ethan

"Ethan, are you okay?"

"NO!" I looked back at the clock for the millionth time that night, my eyes watering as I added another hour to the already too many of me panicking. "Tyler hasn't been home since 4 and I'm really worried."

"Oh, crap." Amy stayed silent for a few seconds, the other line filled with commotion and ending with her getting in her car. "I'll be right over, I'm at Mark's house right now. Just try and calm down a bit, bud."

I took a deep breath, hanging up the phone, putting my face in my hands.

Tyler had been gone since 4 o'clock, it was already 10 at night.

I couldn't remember a time where I was more worried.

The scenarios that went through my head were terrifying.

What if he got in a car crash? What if his kidney messed up again? What if he was sitting in a hospital dying and I was just sitting here doing nothing? What if-

I gasped at the thought that came into my head. I started spiraling into a state of constant panic, hot tears stinging my eyes, my throat felt like it was all closed up.

What if Tyler killed himself?

I broke from the inside out at the possibility. I mean, it wasn't out of the picture. He's been looking for his soulmate, and I haven't fucking told him.

-(Christmas at Tyler's)-

I cowered behind the door of my room, seeing two figures outside in the hallway. With the door slightly ajar, I couldn't see much, but I heard my name from Tyler's dad and my attention was caught.

"Tyler, I know this is something you might not want to talk about with your old man-"

"What's up, Dad? You look... worried."

"Oh, it's nothing. I was just thinking about your soulmark and..." I heard him take a deep breath before continuing. "When you brought Ethan home, I was so shocked. I couldn't believe that you found him. So, I'm just asking for clarification...Is Ethan your soulmate?"

I held my breath when his dad asked that, hoping and praying that Tyler doesn't have to break his dad's heart.

I can't keep going on like this. I have to tell him. I'll tell him after he's done talking to his dad.

I tried to not draw attention to the fact that I was listening in as Tyler stayed silent. My stomach was killing me it was twisting so much.

"I...I don't know for sure. I keep waking up and hoping that it's the day that he'll tell me, but it never happens." I could hear the uneasiness in Tyler's voice as he kept talking. "I've never gotten the chance to see if he has MSD or ASD, I don't have the courage to ask him."

"Why not? What if he's the one?"

"What if he isn't?"

I felt my eyes brimming with tears at the shaking in Tyler's voice. He sounded so torn up about it. I wanted to walk out there and make it all better. To be able to tell his family and meet them properly, as his soulmate and not as his friend.

"What if I ask him and he says I'm not his soulmate? Do you understand how hard that would be for me? To fall in love with someone who is destined to be with someone else? I can't..." I froze as heard Tyler choking up, sniffles coming from him as I heard his dad pat him on the back. "I can't go through that, Dad. I love him too much. I really hope he's my soulmate but I can't tell you that he's 100% mine."

My heart broke as I heard Tyler painfully crying with his dad, holding back the urge to cry myself.

"You're gonna be okay, Ty." Tyler's sniffling was muffled, I figured he hugged his dad at that point. "The chemistry between you guys is...I don't want to get your hopes up since you're so worried, but... You guys just work so well together. You care about each other so much, like when you were constantly asking if Ethan had Epipen when we were making gingerbread houses."

I smiled at that memory, remembering how horrible mine was and how great Tyler's was.

"Thanks, Dad, that means a lot."

I freaked out and ran to make myself look busy as Tyler walked into my room, blushing as he knocked on the door. I nearly knocked down a few things as I told him that he could come in.

"You okay?"

"Fine. Just tired."

Tyler smiled.

"I'm pretty sure it's just because you're clumsy, but whatever you say." I was relieved that my lie worked. "I'll let you get to sleep."

My heart jumped as Tyler started walking out of my room.

"Tyler?" I cringed at how needy my voice sounded. "Are you not sleeping with me?"

Tyler came back in with a smirk on his face.

"I can."

"Will you?"

Tyler nodded and came back in PJs. He surprised me and picked me up like a bride, carrying me to bed like I was helpless.

I loved it.

-

What if I never get to cuddle with him again? What if I never get to kiss him again? What if I never get to fall asleep to him playing with my hair again? What if I never get to watch football games and Marvel movies with him again?

What if I never get to see Tyler ever again?

I could barely comprehend what my body was doing. I didn't care what was happening around me. I only held my phone in my hand, waiting for Tyler to send me a text or walk through our door. I never remembered falling on the ground, but I didn't have the energy to get back up.

I couldn't handle the fact of the possibilities of Tyler being gone.

Why can't I just tell him?! I want to be with him without secrecy. I want to tell him! Why can't I?!

Knocking pounded on the door, tearing my attention for a few seconds, disappointment washing over me as I realized it wasn't Tyler.

"Ethan? Let us in!"

I ignored Amy, even if I needed her comfort. I just kept crying, to the point where I could barely breathe.

"Ethan? It's Mark, please, we can't help you if you don't let us in!"

I pulled the blanket that I made Tyler off of his bed, wrapping it around myself as I curled up onto the floor.

Amy and Mark kept banging on my door, I just drowned them out.

Nothing mattered if Tyler wasn't here.

The door swung open with a bang, Mark handing a service lady her keys while Amy ran over to me.

"Oh, Ethan...Honey..." She pulled me onto Tyler's bed, sadness written all over her face. She pulled me into the biggest hug, cradling my head as I groaned at the pounding it was enduring. "You're gonna be okay."

Mark walked up next to us, his face a wreck as he saw how broken I was.

"Ethan, get this blanket off of you, you're sweating bullets-"

"NO." I clutched it to my person, afraid that it was the only piece of Tyler that I had left.

"Ethan, are you sick? Your skin is as cold as ice." Amy pressed her hand to my forehead, Mark going to grab a bottle of water for me. "Jesus, Mark, he's shaking."

Mark handed me the bottle but I didn't feel like I could keep it down. My stomach felt like it was being stabbed from the inside out.

"Ethan, tell us what you're feeling so we can help you."

"My..my head..." I could barely breathe. "I can..barely breathe-" My chest shot with pain, my heart was pounding in my ears. "I-I don't know what's going on-"

"Mark, pick him up, we're taking him to the hospital."

I closed my eyes as my head started pounding worse, the tears coming back not from Tyler but from the immense pain.

"I'm going to call Kathryn and have her meet us there." Amy ran ahead of us to start her car.

"Everything's gonna be fine, Ethan. I promise."

Mark sat in the back seat of Amy's car, hugging me to his chest as I only got worse.

"Ethan, buddy you gotta tell us what's happening."

I looked up to Amy in the rearview mirror as she anxiously drove.

"My head hurts, my chest hurts, I can't breathe..." Mark shifted so I could sit up better. "Thank you. Uh...the nausea is going away. My heart is beating a little too fast..."

I felt a little light-headed, curling up into Mark's arms and closing my eyes, hoping that it would all just go away.

"He's sweating like crazy, but his skin is really cold. God..." Mark hugged me a little tighter. "The shaking has gotten worse."

I don't remember anything after that. I suppose I fell asleep or fainted after that because I woke up in the hospital.

I instantly sat up at the excitement that Tyler could be there, my head spinning and catching the attention of everyone around me.

"Hey, calm down, bud."

"Slow down."

"Lay back down, hun."

I smiled as Amy, Kathryn, and Mark all helped me lay back down, giving me caring gestures as I got comfortable.

"What happened?"

"Well, the doctor said you had a severe panic attack. You fainted with Mark on the way here."

"That was terrifying." Amy gave Mark a hug from behind, I reached for his hand to squeeze. "I'm just glad you're fine now."

"Did they know why I got it?"

"They figured it was because Tyler didn't come home and your brain was coming up with terrifying situations because of it."

Amy got tense at the mention of Tyler, worry starting to stir back into me.

"Where is he?"

"We don't know."

I closed my eyes at that statement, hoping that he wasn't where I thought he was.

"I'm sure he's fine-"

We heard panicked footsteps slam down the hallway, a body flickering into my room.

"Ethan?!"

We all looked to Tyler standing in my hospital room. The way he looked made me cringe.

His hair was way more messy than usual, his clothes looked like he slept in them, and he had huge bags under his eyes.

"I-I was at a party last night, I'm sorry-"

"Do you fucking understand what you did to him?!" We all gasped as Amy said that. She's usually not the one to swear nor yell at people. "Your little dumb party gave Ethan a severe panic attack, Tyler! Mark is traumatized because his friend fainted in his arms! He thought Ethan was going to die! We had no idea what was happening!"

"Do you realize what could have happened if he didn't call us?!" I was alarmed that Kathryn was yelling too. "He fainted, Tyler! Because you decided to go to a party without telling him- hell, I was worried about where you were! We all were! You can't just ignore all our calls and texts and expect us to be okay with that!"

I saw how upset Tyler was, I hope I was hiding how upset I was well enough.

Mark didn't have anything to say to Tyler, he was just emotionless.

"I know, I was so stupid last night, I don't know what to do to make it better-"

"Apologize to that young man RIGHT. NOW."

I was a little surprised by how angry Amy got, the way she pointed at me was filled with pure tension.

Tyler walked over to me, sadness filling his eyes, sitting on my bed while taking my hand in both of his.

"I'm so sorry, Ethan, I should have told you-"

I pulled Tyler into a powerful hug, not being ashamed of the tears that slipped out.

"I forgive you." I smile as Tyler hugs me back. "I'm just glad you're safe."

We managed to get the rest of the gang to forgive Tyler, whether they thought he deserved it or not. Amy and Kathryn went to go get food with Mark, Tyler insisted on staying with me.

"How far is the cafeteria from here?"

"Ethan's last room was right down the hall, now it's a couple of floors down," Amy told Mark and Kathryn to go ahead. "We should be back in about 5-10 minutes."

As soon as Amy walked out, Tyler instantly pulled me into a kiss. He hesitated after and slowly pulled away, almost ashamed that he did that.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't feel like I have the right to do that after what I did to you."

I shifted to give Tyler room to lay down next to me, smiling back to his sad one. He was as gentle as possible as he laid down next to me.

"I'm fine now. The doctor is gonna give me medications in case this ever happens again, I don't have any of the symptoms that I had last night, and you're here now so I don't have to worry."

I wrapped my arms around Tyler as he cuddled up next to me, tucking my chin into his lovely curly hair.

We just laid there, thankful for the time we're able to just spend sitting like that.

I hated seeing Tyler so upset, even if he gave me a panic attack. That doesn't change that fact that he's...well, him.

I decided to make the first move for the first time in like...ever. I laid my finger under his chin, pulling his eyes to look at me, smiling before giving him a passionate kiss. He responded immediately, as he usually does.

We both were exhausted after a few minutes of kissing each other, Tyler just done with living because of a hangover, and I was just tired, so we decided to just take a nap.

Just laying there, together.