tw: self harm, suicidal thoughts

It's just a triggering chapter all in all so be careful <3

SOPHIE POV

I was awake in a room, but what's weird was i wasn't in pain. Dad wasn't here. No one was. Just then, I heard a voice.

"Soph." Mom.

"Mom, I don't get it. Did I die?"

"Oh no, you're just heavily medicated jaan."

"Oh good, how are you?"

"How are you love? You just had two surgeries and two very painful ones at that."

"I don't feel pain here."

"Yeah, 'cause you're asleep."

"Mom, why did you have to die so soon?"

"I don't know that Sophie, and you have to understand that. Don't be a failure for your dad. He needs a successful daughter. Not a failure like what you're becoming."

The voices in my head. Not that good mom, the bad mom.

"You're becoming a failure ,Sophie, your dad doesn't deserve that, he's gone through way too much to go through having a failed daughter like yourself."

"But i'm trying my best, why don't you understand?"

"That's not enough, and you need to try harder, you need to do more and self-harm, Sophie? Do you think he deserves it? He gives you everything. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to deal with a fuck up of a daughter. You know when I looked at you earlier I saw a girl who was going to succeed but now I only see a failure. I see a fat girl who can't get anything right. Kill yourself or fix yourself because your dad doesn't deserve this. It's either four flatter words or a three-letter word and one letter is the difference."

I opened my eyes and saw Dad. My chest was tightening. I was sweating badly.

"What's happening, baby?"

"I can't breathe Dad."

"You're okay, you're okay come on." He hugged me immediately.

I listened to his heartbeat, as he whispered things in my ear. Things that helped me calm down. But he didn't deserve me he deserves someone stable, someone who's perfect. And I had every flaw that a human could have.  He helped me calm down and once I was okay he started telling me what was happening outside as I wasn't opening my eyes due to them still hurting. He pulled away from the hug.

"Now baby talk to me what happened?"

"Nightmare. It was Mom's voice telling me stuff I can't talk to you about."

"Okay, just know I'm always here for you yeah?"

"Did you look into the therapist thing?"

"Oh yeah, just wanted to ask if you'd be comfortable having the same one as me."

"As long as he's good."

"He's amazing."

"Can I meet him?"

"I booked you in for a session 10 days from now."

"Oh okay thank you Dad I love you."

" I love you too."

"And ah dad?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Nothing just wanted to say it. You know."

"You've done nothing wrong, you're so perfect and I'm so proud of you love."

"Thank you, Dad."

I hugged him again. He was the best. He deserved way better. I thought about a way it could be better for him, for me so that I didn't have to go to therapy and just be fixed.

I could just makeup that I was in pain and take extra medication. I was bound to overdose and then die of it.

Or I could just cut a nerve or something.

Quick painless death and dad would be free of me. It would be a burden off of him.

"What are you thinking about?" Dad tapped me on my shoulder pulling me out of my train of thought.

"Hi hello how are we doing?" Dr. Shawn.

For the first time, I was thankful that a doctor came.

"A bit sore, but okay."

"Okay if I check the incision?"

I nodded.

I felt him lift the gown a little and take the bandage slowly he felt around for a while before putting it back down.

"You're all good. I'll see you tonight after dinner."

"When can I go home?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Okay thanks."

"what's the time dad?"

"Around 7: 30. Now what were you thinking about?"

"nothing, I'm just really tired."

"Ah well what do you want to eat? I'll get you something then you can sleep."

"What can I eat?"

"Something light prolly, my tablet's at home or I would see your chart and bring it."

"You have to chart that as well?"

"Oh yeah, nutrition intake."

"What else do you have to chart?"

"Medicines given, allergies, family history, surgeries, vaccine records, complete information about insurance, previous doctors, will, any health issues, date of last checkup and a lot more."

"Don't you get tired of doing all that for every single patient?"

"It's easier now that it's digital, it gets stored. I just have to enter a name and everything will come up. Earlier, it was hard we had to find the paper charts and if that was lost we had to do it all over again but yeah now too it takes time so whenever i'm seeing a new patient I just get the tablet work done and then interact with the patient."

"When do you get time to update them?"

"Between visits or surgeries like when you go to a doctors office, you'll see a patient come out and then after a few minutes you'll be called in, and I always have my interns and residents."

He loved talking about work so this was a good way to distract him. I knew I had to face him but not now and I was going to delay it as much as possible. I didn't want to burden him anymore.