Sup my dudes, I live. There will be a whole rant in the end note about why I was gone and where I'm going from here, but for now just enjoy the chapter

[This chapter has a few separate events taking place. If you are in any way in a state where reading a segment about dissociation could cause you to dissociate, please skip the first two parts, or come back to the chapter later. The first part was written when I was dissociating myself and the character's thoughts and actions heavily relay that.]

Virgil jolted up from the bed, hyperventilating as the memories of his nightmare swirled around his head. He sobbed when something (someone?) moved to his right, freezing in terror as he clenched his eyes shut. "Hey," a voice spoke up said (loudly, so loudly). The next time the voice spoke, it was softer, "It's okay, Virgil, you're okay," Virgil whimpered a little, unable to see who was speaking. "Oh!" The voice exclaimed, "It's me, Virgil, it's Patton. You're safe." Patton? Who was Patton? The name sounded familiar but not really. Everything felt fuzzy or, no, what was the word? Fl... fluffy! It felt fluffy. Virgil was so confused. What was happening. "Can you open your eyes for me, sweetheart?" The voice, (Patton?) asked. Wait, his eyes? Oh, yeah, his eyes were closed. He should open them.

Virgil tried, he really did, but it was so bright he just had to close them again. After a few moments, a voice spoke up again, but this time sounding deeper, "Try again now." Virgil listened because— well, maybe he didn't really know why, he just liked the sound of the voice. It was nice. Virgil opened his eyes. It was less bright which was good. He still didn't know what was happening.

"Virgil?" Someone asked (the prince— a prince— princely, princey, princey, princey—) "Are you...okay." Virgil. He was Virgil. Virgil nodded at the prince, heading feeling heavy.

"'M dreaming." Virgil stated, words slurring together a bit. The three men (Princey, Patton, and.... Leah? No. Landon? Lo something. Logic? Logic sounded right. Kinda. Everything still felt fluffy) seemed surprised, looking at each other.

"And why would you say that, Virgil?" Logic asked, pushing his glasses up. Virgil shrugged. He was tired. He wanted a hug. Turning his head a little, Virgil saw Patton sitting next to him on the bed. Virgil leaned towards him, losing his balance half way through and falling onto the bed, head in Patton's lap.

"Oh!" Patton exclaimed, surprised, "Can I help you, kiddo?" Virgil nodded into Patton's leg. "Uh, what can I do for you!" Patton asked, voice high. Even though Patton was kinda short. That was funny. Virgil snorted, laughing a little. Why was it funny? Virgil couldn't remember. He wanted a hug.

Patton has asked what he wanted. "Cuddles." Virgil told Patton.

"Oh!" Patton exclaimed again, "Are you sure kiddo?" Virgil nodded. If he didn't get a hug soon he was gonna cry. "Okay, imma lift you up a little bit, Virge, is that okay?" Virgil wanted a hug. Where were his dads? He wanted to ask but talking was too much work. Virgil was tired. He wanted to sleep. Suddenly Virgil was being moved. How? Was he floating? Virgil realized Patton's hands were pulling him up, so Virgil's head was on his shoulder. Virgil sighed happily, relaxing into Patton's hold.

"Virgil?" Patton asked, starting to run his fingers through Virgil's hair. Virgil hummed, tired and confused. "Do you want Roman and Logan to cuddle too? Or do you not want them to touch you?" Virgil turned to look at Patton, words swimming around in his head, but not able to come out. "Um," Patton said, thinking for a moment before lighting up, "Do you want Roman and Logan to cuddle with us," he held up one hand, wiggling the fingers. Virgil giggled almost silently. "Or do you not want them to touch you?" Patton held up his other hand. Virgil looked between the two before settling on the first option. "Cuddle with us?" Patton asked, double checking. Virgil nodded.

Virgil wasn't really sure what happened next but then there were people holding him and they were all laying down under the blanket. It was warm. Virgil liked it. Quickly, he drifted off to sleep, satisfied.

——

"Dis-ah-so-see-whata?" Patton asked, blinking at Logan in confusion.

Logan sighed a little, rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses, "Dis-a-so-ci-ation" he pronounced slowly. Patton nodded, scrunching his face up a little.

"Are you going to tell us what that means, specs?" Roman asked, sounding annoyed. But, considering he was cuddling into Logan's chest while holding onto Virgil's hand, Logan knew he meant no harm.

"Certainly," Logan murmured, before turning his gaze to Virgil, "Simply put, dissociating is the act of someone disconnecting with their body and mind. It allows the person, in this case, Virgil, to "disconnect" from their awareness of their surroundings. It is often done as a defense mechanism, especially when people, such as Virgil, have had, or are currently expirencing, serious trauma."

"What can we do?" Patton asked, clearly distressed, as he slowly ran a hand through Virgil's hair.

"We just need to be here to help him. Dissociation can happen in many different forms. We simply need to practice recognizing it in Virgil, and helping to ground him."

The room was silent after that, although it was clear nobody but Virgil was asleep. After an amount of time no one was certain of, Roman sighed and squeezed Logan from where he was spooning the other man, burying his face in Logan's hair. "Goodnight, my loves." He said quietly.

The other two parroted Roman's "goodnight" before settling in. It was no surprise when none of them slept well.

——

"It's.... Fine, Logan." Virgil yelled, fuming, "Will you just fuck off!"

Logan didn't look perturbed, simply raising an eyebrow at Virgil's outburst, "I am simply trying to tell you that we are concerned about your coping mechanisms."

Virgil snorted, "I'm sorry that the way I live my life offends you so much." He huffed, turning and locking himself in the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Virgil!" Logan called, annoyed, "That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Yeah," Virgil said softly, sliding down the bathroom door, "I know." 

Logan sighed, shifting before turning to back away from the door, "I'll... give you some privacy." He said softly, footsteps fading gradually.

Once he was sure Logan was really gone, Virgil sobbed, pulling at his hair as he began to hyperventilate. Virgil spent the next hour just like that, sobbing on the bathroom floor as he mentally berated himself for his actions

——

Virgil glared at the window as he scrubbed at it angrily. Footsteps began to echo down the hallway, and Virgil tensed up, prepared for a hand to brush against his back, or someone to come up and whisper something undesirable in his ear, both of which had become recurring events during the past months. 

"What did that window ever do to you, Stormcloud?" Roman lightheartedly exclaimed. Virgil froze, before continuing to scrub the window, ignoring the man behind him despite the panic at having his back to someone. It was silent for a moment, and Virgil was sure that Roman would leave. He should have known better. "Logan told me what happened." Roman stated, voice soft. Virgil scoffed, not bothering to respond. "He's worried about you... it's, all of us are, V."

"Fuck off, Princey." Virgil grumbled, quickly moving to grab his supplies and move on to the next window.

"I'm trying to help you!" Roman exclaimed, following behind Virgil, "You don't have to be so... so rude about it!"

"Aw," Virgil pouted, "Did Princey get his feelings hurt? I'm so sorry your highness." Virgil bowed, smirking.

"Why you... you." Roman spluttered, face turning red from anger. "Fine." He said, voice cold, "If that's how it's gonna be, I'm leaving. I'll see you later Virgil."

It stung. Roman was prone to use nicknames more than anything else. Hearing his name come out of Roman's mouth was already a shock but the anger behind it stung. Virgil bit his tongue, not letting himself dwell on it as he angrily returned to scrubbing the windows. Sometimes he really hated that he had let himself befriend the three. It was an endless cycle of lashing out, getting angry at himself, and then having to apologize. Again. And again. And again. How had the one nice thing in his life become a part of the routine he hated.

It was supposed to be over after that. Virgil could collapse on his bed and cry himself to sleep, or maybe stare into space until nothing made sense anymore, or fantasize how, if his family's lives weren't reliant on his, he would end it all. However, before Virgil could make his way to his bedroom, a servant walked up to him, sharing that the King had requested Virgil's presence.  Virgil didn't even respond, simply moving to follow the servant leading him to what he quickly recognized as Damien's bedroom.

Entering the room quietly, Virgil looked at Damien, who was seated at the small couch in front of the fireplace, "Ah," Damien said, looking up, "Come sit, Songbird." He said, patting the spot behind him: and Virgil froze. Almost instantly, he was sobbing, hyperventilating as he attempted to navigate the terrible emotions flooding his thoughts. Damien was being so nice and Virgil wanted, he wanted that, he needed it. He knew that Roman, Logan, and Patton wouldn't forgive him another time. And then, that would be it. The end of the nice feelings; the end of the hugs; the end of it all, but Damien was right there and fuck he needed someone to hold him and tell him it was all right.

"I, i need, please, I can't," Virgil stammered, attempting to share his need for anything.

Damien slowly stood, tutting at Virgil, "Aren't you a pathetic little thing?" He asked, staring Virgil down. Virgil trembled, looking like a kicked puppy. Damien smirked, "Come here." He stated calmly, pointing to the spot right in front of him. Virgil obeyed instantly, scrambling limbs fueled by his panic. "Good job" Damien said, rewarding Virgil with a hand gently scratching through his hair. Virgil shuddered in a breath before relaxing, leaning into the hand. "You want more, darling?" Damien asked, voice silky as he continued to pet Virgil's hair. Virgil nodded, presenting up against Damien's hand once moreo. The king smiled; the Virgil he knew would have never said yes. It was perfect. Virgil was completely and utterly broken. "Excellent."

Okay. Hi. I know it's been almost 3 months. I'm sorry. My mental health got worse, to the point of me having to pull out of school for a while. Now I'm still mostly pulled out, and I'm currently down to only 3 classes. But I'm getting there. I'm now taking homeopathy meds that have actually really helped with my brain fog and I'm finding I have more motivation to do things now. I can't make any promises about uploads and responding to comments since I'm still a mess but please know that I love talking to you guys and writing this, I'm going to do everything I can so it doesn't stop. So uh yeah. I appreciate you guys sticking around, you really have no idea how much it means to me. Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to comment, I'll do my best to reply :))
Love ya guys,
-apollo