Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time.. it's the return of the Dick Wizard.

Ps-
Look at the happy family.
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Y/n: "*blurgh*"

I was looking straight at Auntie Morgan checking out Raynare while everyone else was trying to process what had happened. Meanwhile, Father was being berated by Mia as he offered her food which she rejected saying she didn't like it.

Merlin: "Please say you like daddy Mia?"

Mia: "No"

Merlin: "*Dies inside*"

Y/n: "*choking on more water* BLAHAHA!!"

As for me, I was in the middle of drowning as Issei held my face under a fish tank.

Raynare: "Wait, you're going to kill my friend!!"

She rushed past everyone and was looking at me.

Y/n: "Hello. How are you. I am unda de watar. Please help your *non understood word* is *another non understood word* Uuuu"

Issei: "DON'T CHANGE YOUR ACCENT AND JUST DIE BASTARD!!!"

Y/n: "Why?!"

Rias: "How are you talking underwater?"

Merlin: "He can't drown"

Y/n: "I am OP and a main character BUHUHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

Merlin: "You're a caster not a damn GOLDEN ARCHER!!!"

Y/n: "I reign supreme in this story you feeble old man"

Merlin: "*exaggerated gasp* He's too POWERFUL!!! He's aware of whom he is and what's his specialty"

Y/n: "Of course!! Did you forget? THE MAIN CHARACTER ALWAYS SURVIVES DUE TO PLOT ARMOR!!!"

Issei: "Did YOU forget?"

Y/n: "You ain't the main MC in this universe champ, maybe next time"

Issei: "Akame Ga Kill.."

My grin turned to sheer terror upon hearing the forbidden name.

Y/n: "NANI?!"

Issei: "YOU SHALL DIE!!!"

Y/n: "NOOOO!!! I am going to die-!!!"

The body turns to flowers as I stand behind him.

Y/n: "NOT!!! I was behind you the whole time~"

I put my arms around his waist and supplex him through a table.

Merlin: "That's my boy.. and who's daddy's special little gir-?"

Mia: "No"

Merlin: "*Grand Caster dying noises*"

I lift myself up from the plants of woods to say the magical lines.

Y/n: "Gurand castah Ga SHINDA!!!"

Issei: "DIE!!"

I am immediately tackled from behind by the Red Dragon Emperor in his fit of rage.

Merlin: "My daughter.. why must you forsake me?"

Mia looked away to Merlin's pain.

Merlin: "Raising children is a tough life.."

Y/n: "It appears I must defend myself"

I unsheath Excalibur and pull it out.

Issei: "The fuck is that?!"

Y/n: "EXU.. CALIBAAAAA!!!!"

I drop the beam of light over Issei but it does no damage as the attack turns to [F/T].

Issei: "Huh-?"

Y/n: "You're open!!!"

I land a nut shot that incapacitated him and throw my hands up in victory.

Y/n: "YEEAAAA!!! Alright enough with the fighting!!!"

Rias: "You two are the only ones fighting?!"

Y/n: "You have a point"

I look at Issei and point at him.

Y/n: "Stop!! Bad dragon gauntlet boy"

Issei: "What?"

Y/n: "*sighs* I didn't revive her to anger you or anything like that.. I remembered how sad you were about your first love and wanted to give it back to you"

I scratched my cheek a little at voicing the second reason.

Y/n: "Also, she's my friend you know?"

Issei didn't know what to say.

Issei: ".. I'm happy at the thought but I'm not into her anymore.. I can't. After what she did to me, I don't think I ever could"

Raynare was looking confused at the situation until Morgan told her to ignore us.

Y/n: "Sorry I caused you pain buddy.. friends?"

I extended my hand out to him as an apology which he looked at for a few seconds before taking it.

Issei: "Friends"

I pick him up and we give each other a homie hug to make up for what we did to one another.

Issei: "What weapon was that?"

Y/n: "Oh, this?"

I pull out the real Excalibur and hold it up.

Y/n: "This is Excalibur. The REAL Excalibur given to me by my father"

Rias: "That's Excalibur?!"

Merlin: "Yes. That's the original sword I train Arthur with which according to your legend, was broken up into pieces?"

Morgan: "The one that you all are familiar with was one God created trying to mimic when he bore witness to this one. Artoria also has one but is sheathed in Avalon. She won't use it since she wishes not to exit Avalon"

Merlin: "Yes, I know. Atleast she has Shirou there to prep meals and be a good housewife for her"

Rias: "Shirou?"

She was visibly confused as she tried to comprehend what I had explained before.

Y/n: "Shirou is my teacher and Artoria is gender bent Arthur in your history. Except they are actually that. Artoria is also my teacher who happens to be King Arthur. Shirou is her boyfriend who knows archery and how to project weapons and stuff. He's also a hellavu cook and homedad!!!"

Merlin: "You know your father's next to you right?"

Y/n: "Eh"

Merlin: "Carla, all of our children despise me.."

He looked down until my sister patted his head.

Merlin: "Mia.."

Mia: "Just for now.. I love you papa"

Merlin: "OH MY DEAR DAUGHTER!!! PAPA ADORES YOU AND LOVES YOU AS WELL!!!"

He was smothering her face with his as he lifted her in the air.

Saji: "Wait, isn't Merlin an old mage now that I think about it?"

Merlin: "I am, but being half incubus makes me stay youthful~"

Sona looked over to me as I smiled at her.

Y/n: "Yes. I too am part incubus. My mother was half elf, half human so.. math"

Issei: "A third human, a third elf, and a third incubus"

Y/n: "Yep"

Saji: "So that means your sister is part succu-"

Y/n/Merlin: "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT"

I had pulled Excalibur out and my father was unleashing his deity level powers while glaring at Saji.

Morgan: "Will both of you stop it?"

Y/n/Merlin: "Yes ma'am"

Morgan walked over to Saji and looked down at him menacingly.

Morgan: "But really.. DON'T. Or I'll just have to torched you for all eternity in the most brutal and painful ways possible, okay~?"

Saji nodded rapidly as she moved away from him.

Y/n: "She is terrifying"

Merlin: "Tell me about it"

I noticed the Gremory knight looking down and decided to walk over to him.

Y/n: "You okay man?"

Kiba: "That sword, or atleast.. whatever prototype of it that exists. It destroyed my life before meeting Rias"

I pat him in the back as I listen to his backstory and how he came about to being in Rias' peerage.

Y/n: "That's tough.. can I be of any help?

Kiba: "I wanna do this on my own.. but I can't lie to myself. Having you around will help me get revenge to those who lost their lives to save mine"

Y/n: "You can count me in"

He seems to cheer up a little as I bring him over to the rest.

Rias: "You okay Kiba?"

Kiba: "Better now Lady Rias"

Shirou: "Yo"

Y/n: "SHIROU?!"

Shirou: "Hey kid"

He pats my head as everyone stares at him.

Rias: "So he's King Arthur's boyfriend?"

Shirou: "You can call her Saber if you want"

He sees Morgan and narrows his eyes.

Shirou: "Morgan"

Morgan: "Shirou"

Shirou: "How's Mia and Mordred?"

Mia runs up to Shirou with a big smile on her face.

Mia: "Shirou!!"

Shirou: "There's my little wizard. How have you been?"

He lifts her up as she hugs him.

Mia: "Good!!"

Merlin: "This world shall know pain.. or maybe just me"

He falls to the ground after seeing her so excited to see her "father" rather than her actual dad.

Mia: "Can I cook with you again?!"

Shirou: "Of course!! Saber will be the judge"

Mia: "Okay!!"

Sona: "Your sister's a lot more energized when it comes to meeting that man?"

Y/n: "She loves Shirou, we all do. He's an incredible person that I'd like you to meet"

Sona: "You do?"

Y/n: "Yea. Come, let me introduce you to him"

Merlin: "I'M YOUR FATHER!!!"

Y/n: "Yea, but your wow factor already left after they met you. In the words of Toy Story, I don't want to play with you anymore"

Merlin: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

We leave my saddened father to meet the man that actually raised me.

Shirou: "Hey, don't mess up my hair~!!"

The two were enjoying each others company until they noticed us.

Shirou: "Y/n-"

Mia: "You can't have him!! I'm going to marry Shirou"

She pouts while hugging him as Shirou chuckles to himself.

Shirou: "So you're going to challenge Saber for that?"

Mia buries her face onto his chest with a blush.

Mia: "No.. I want to marry both of you"

Shirou smiles as he hugs her.

Shirou: "That's Mia for you. Very affectionate when it comes to Saber"

Mia: "She's beautiful.. and strong"

Shirou: "Yes, yes she is. Hello there, I'm Shirou Emiya"

He extends his hand out to Sona as I proudly stand next to her.

Sona: "Sona, Sona Sitri"

Y/n: "She's my girlfriend"

Sona: "No I'm not"

Y/n: "Future girlfriend~"

Sona: "*sighs*"

Y/n: "I don't hear a no~"

Shirou looked at the two of us a laughed to himself.

Shirou: "It's like Rin and Archer at the beginning"

Y/n: "Archer? You mean that cool, future version of yourself?"

Mia chops me over the head with disappointment.

Mia: "Shirou's cool too!!"

Y/n: "Ow, I KNOW THAT BETTER THAN YOU!! AND I TOO!! AM GONNA MARRY SHIROU AND SABER!!"

Mia: "NO!! ONLY ME!!!"

Y/n: "No, ME TOO!!!"

Mia: "NO!!!"

Merlin: "What about daddy?"

Mia/Y/n: "Ew, no"

He collapses once more as his body begins to dematerialize.

Morgan: "You continue to be weak to those children who simply don't seem to care enough about you"

Merlin stopped the joke but didn't look up.

Merlin: "They're my children.. Of course they are my weakness. I've been a shit father for letting others take care of them for me but still.. I'd go to war with any God for them.. I'll love them even if they hate me"

We both turn around as Shirou speaks to us in a low voice. He puts down Mia and smiles before nodding.

Y/n: "You know we don't hate you right?"

Mia: "Without you or mom, we wouldn't be here"

Merlin: "Hm?"

We both walk over to him as he sits up.

Y/n: "We simply like to troll you a little, that's all"

Mia: "I'm sorry if we made you feel that way.."

Father looked at the two of us and brightened up.

Merlin: "Come here the two of you"

He hugs us both as he fondly remembers a single memory of the two of us with him. It was a cold day and father wanted us to be warm. To do so, he wrapped us up in his special cloak while he braved the winter snow without once losing his smile. All for the sake that if we woke up, we wouldn't have to see our father freezing or sad.

Merlin: "Yes.."

He lifted us both as he had a big grin on his face.

Merlin: "I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR BETTER CHILDREN EVEN IF WANTED TO!!"