
Chapter Seven- A Father's Arms
Noelle sat just inside her bedroom door, her head on her knees, and her arm wrapped around her legs. Her uncle had just called her a monster, in front of everyone, saying that she didn't belong there anymore. And what he had said about remembering the victims......She remembered. Oh, she already remembered, and the screams haunted her, echoing in her ears. She heard a gentle knock on the door.
"Go away. Whatever you say, it's not going to help. You don't get it. I'm a monster." She hissed, and then heard a quiet thump. They had sat down on the other side of the door.
"Monster, huh? And yeah, I think I do get it." She choked down a sob, hearing her dad's gentle voice.
"How....how do you make it? How do you get up every morning, remembering what you did? I just.....I can't. I can't do this. Tony's right. I'm a monster." She felt a small thump as he lay his head back against the door, and she heard him sighing softly. Bucky took a deep breath, and then he spoke again.
"I know, Ellie. It's so hard, especially at night. Every single night, when you close your eyes, you see them again. You hear their begging, the screaming, the cries and pleas for mercy, the begging for them to be able to live. And then......you feel the pain of what they did to you. You feel that pain rushing through your body, burning, excruciating pain. And you know what you do when that happens? You let yourself feel the guilt and remorse......because of you can feel that.....Being able to truly, honestly feel that guilt.....the shame, pain, sorrow, remorse.....all of that....Let yourself feel that. Because that is proof that they don't have control over you anymore. You aren't coldhearted, you aren't their soldier who feels nothing. You are still human. You're still a child, Ellie. A little girl whose child and innocence were taken away from you. you shouldn't have to feel these things, but since you know you can.....Don't let it go." She choked down a sob, rolling away from the door. Bucky opened the door, coming in, and sat down beside her. She started crying even harder, and he wrapped his arms around her.
"I've got you, Ellie. You're going to be alright." She shook her head, sobbing now.
"I can't. I can't do this. I can't keep going, and I can't.....There are some people here....I killed people they love. How am I supposed to face them?! They'll hate me!" He sighed, holding her close as tears trickled down his cheeks. He gently kissed her forehead, and then started singing softly in Romanian, a lullaby he had sung to her every night before bed.
"Blackbird cântând în moarte de noapte....Ia aceste aripi rupte şi să înveţe să zboare. Toată viaţa, Ai fost de așteptare doar pentru acest moment să apară. Blackbird cântând în moarte de noapte....Ia aceste ochi scufundate şi să înveţe să vadă. Toată viaţa, Ai fost de așteptare doar pentru acest moment pentru a fi liber." (Translation in the song up top). She let out a shaky breath, closing her eyes, and just listening to her father sing, as she had done so many times when she was a little girl. She managed a weak smile, closing her eyes, and finally allowed herself the comfort and peace that she had been searching for so desperately for so very long......She found that peace in her father's arms, at long last. As he sang, she started having trouble keeping her eyes open. She was exhausted. A few minutes later, Bucky looked down, smiling when he saw her asleep, but at the same time, his heart broke. She looked so peaceful now.....So different from the pained, haunted look on her face that he had been seeing, but he recognized it. The look on her face....He had seen it so many times on his own face when he was looking in the mirror. It was a familiar expression, especially with the memories of what the Winter Soldier had done. It was nearly unbearable sometimes, waking up screaming, hearing their cries.....He hated that his daughter was having to deal with the same thing.
"I'm with you till the end of the line, Ellie. I promise. I'll protect you, even if it means I die." He whispered, gently picking her up. He took her over, gently sitting down on the bed. He leaned back against the headboard, leaving her in his embrace, and after a few minutes, he fell asleep as well, finally somewhat at peace. He could help her get through this. He felt like he could do anything now, because finally, after so long, his family was together again, and he would keep them together this time, or he would die trying. A few hours later, he woke up to Noelle crying out in her sleep, begging for someone to stop. He gently shook her, waking her.
"Ellie? Ellie, wake up. It's okay." Her eyes shot open, and she clawed at him blindly, forgetting that her metal arm was gone. Her flesh hand closed around her throat, and he gasped for breath, refusing to fight her for fear that he would be too rough with her.
"Noelle! It's me! You're safe!" He gasped, struggling to breathe, and her eyes widened in realization, and she fell back, tears pouring down her cheeks. He gently wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, crying, and he shook his head.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. He finally had his daughter back, and he would fight for it to stay that way, no matter how broken she was. If he could be fixed, so could she.
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