We met a few hours before the party began to pregame with a couple of friends. Pia, her brother and his girlfriend were there, my best guy friend in class, Nate, Celine, and Cat, my good friend outside of school, who brought another friend.

There was so much alcohol and I didn't think long before having my first drink, and the next, and the next. With every drink, I thought that I needed more alcohol to be able to confront Nolan with the truth. Eventually I started telling everyone present about my mission tonight. First, their reaction was supportive but the more I drank the more they started doubting it was a good idea to go through with the plan.

* * *

Music and sweating people all around us, dancing, making out, drinking, all the things teenagers do at parties like this. I was laughing, dancing too, having the time of my life and so much fun. The alcoholic liquid in my blood helped me forget my doubts and fears. As soon as I saw Nolan though I half walked, half danced towards him, hugged him tightly and screamed a way too high pitched "Heyy". He pulled away quicker than usual when we hug, and suddenly the doubts flew back into my brain.

"Go on! Dance with him, what are you waiting for?", Pia screamed into my ear and took my hand in order to pull me in his direction, but I wasn't as confident about the plan as before. He really seemed uncomfortable hugging me. I shook my head, twisted myself free and tried dancing as enthusiastically as before.

"Hey! You need help?"

Nate appeared next to me with a grin, wrapped one arm around me and pulled me towards Nolan. I tried to act as naturally drunk as possible while he sneakily put Nolans arm around me and gave me a little push. We ended up in this "couple slow dancing" position, which totally did not fit in well with the music. Nevertheless, I started moving my hips to the rhythm of the song and smiled when I felt his hands laying on them. Biting my lip, I looked up at him and my smile faded. He didn't even look aware of me dancing with him, his eyes rather swivelled through the crowd of people, never noticing me right in front of him. Disappointed, I let loose, turned around to my friends and continued dancing with them.

Even though my hopes have been constantly sinking tonight I still stayed in his vicinity. I wanted him so bad, but he acted like he didn't know me at all.

"WHO WANTS A SIP?"

Luke, a senior student, walked through the crowd, a few friends on his side, with a huge bottle standing between ice cubes in a bowl in his hand. Lots of people ran towards him, but I remained on my spot. Luke was famous for mixing with harder stuff and I intended on coming home safely tonight.

By the time he reached me, I almost already forgot he was there.

"Hey, you sure wanna try this!"

"Ah no thanks"

"I want to", Pia, who suddenly stood next to me took the bottle and led it to her mouth.

"Mhm, that's good"

She handed me the bottle and looked at me eagerly.

Maybe I did it because I already was pretty drunk, or because I was so desperate to fulfill my expectations for tonight.

The burning liquor intensely ran down my throat. I swallowed heavily, but then took another sip and gave the bottle back to Luke.

Wow. Suddenly I felt life and bravery run through my veins again. My eyes were searching for Nolan and when they found him I could already feel my unsteady feet bringing me to him. Without any thinking I threw myself at him, my arms around his neck. I needed it to happen. Now. Not for a second I realised his blank eyes and that he again didn't recognize me at all. The alcohol or whatever was in that drink blocked my brain completely.

"TESS!"

I didn't even hear my own name. I was in my own little world.

Brutally I was pushed aside and grabbed by my arm. "What the hell!?", I screamed and tried to escape the grip, until I realised it was Celine holding me.

"Oh god, Tess, your eyes!"

"What about my fucking eyes, why did you do that?"

"No really, your...your eyes just overtwisted, Tess, your whole body's shaking, did you drink that thing from Luke?"

"Maybe? Now let me go!"

Annoyed because she just destroyed my possible chance of making out with Nolan I wrested myself free, turned around and froze midway.

There was Nolan. And another girl. Practically swallowing each other.

Pain. Pure Pain spreaded through my body. I grabbed Celine and ran down where the toilets were. There I broke down crying.