I don't believe in god, nor any other gods. I don't believe in Karma, I like the idea, but it can't be true. I don't believe in anything, except that we're all very lucky to be here. But I didn't believe that, and you didn't either. Life was a chore: something we were forced to do without really knowing why. I was so convinced I was going to die, not even by my own hands, but I still had to go and I had accepted that. The last thing I wanted to do was drag anyone else with me, or make them sad that I couldn't be around anymore. So I tried too distance myself from everyone, and then I fell in love with you. Just my luck, trying to leave painlessly and I meet you, my little saviour.

I told you many, many times: "Don't catch feelings" and I'm so sorry. I didn't think that you already had them, I was just too busy wishing it was a one way thing. I still left, I'm so sorry I had to. I know it hurt you so damn much, to be alone for so long, I didn't know even if I could get back, I'm glad you didn't feel the physical pain I did, not the hunger, the freezing cold, the muscle pain nor the pain given to me. But I couldn't save you from the pain of being alone, and so afraid for me, which was exactly what I didn't want . . . I'm really sorry. I'm also so very sorry that I never really told you how I changed. I'm more possessive, I'm sure you've noticed that, but there's only one reason for that: I'm so fucking scared of losing you. I don't know what I can do if I lost you, i'd never forgive myself. I push myself a lot harder, both physically and emotionally, and I can't help but notice how hard it is to keep going like this, but I'm so scared to slow down, because if I can't get to you in time, how can I save you?

All these things race through my head, and I can't ever stop it, but every time I hold you, it makes everything ok. You make me crazy, but you keep me sane. I don't really get it either, but I know that if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be anything good. So thanks, thank you so much for staying with me through everything I've put you through. I really do love you more than anything, my gorgeous little angel.

goodnight.