Day 168 in the hospital

My camera, a sturdy Canon Rebel I got during junior high school four years ago was filled with white things. Photos of lights filtering through windows, objects against white walls, nurses in their white uniforms walking in the halls like chalks, the white hospital bed as my only backdrop for the different books I've read throughout my stay here.

But it's not all white. There were times when my life here has splash of colors. Like whenever we have certain celebrations, doctor's birthday, patience's birthday or special celebration like being cancer free or in remission or something.

There were days when we collectively watch the huge flat screen TV on the lobby for an event like Miss Universe or cheer for a certain sports game.

I have friends in here too. Mostly nurses and patients who have been staying here for quite some time. There were time my camera would be filled with burst of colors, balloons, cakes, and dozens of flowers and trays of food, which most of the time we couldn't eat.

We also have nights when the nurses allowed us to go outside and we would light up some of those sparklers on sticks and watched every flicker fade.

I love those days the most especially when the night sky is clear and the wind is chilly and I can pull my mask down and breathe it in. But those days are rare and most of the time it's just me in my room.

I crossed my legs, crumpling the newly wash sheets on the bed with my red plaid pajamas. I've been scrolling through the photos and videos in my camera deciding on what to transfer on my laptop so I could make a video sequence.

My endless scrolling took me way back to the set of pictures taken four years ago, when this camera was still brand new. It's mostly filled with the faces of my high school classmates. Those naturally goofy, wacky faces of lanky, bare face people who are now very different from who they were years ago.

Whenever my camera wasn't raided by my classmates, I was the designated photographer of the class during school events. It's like an unwritten responsibility of someone who has a proper camera whether you like it or not.

But I did love it.

I love catching those candid moments through my lens. Those happy faces, dull moments, stares of people who were in love with someone seats away from them.

I love capturing moments when we were pulled out from our routines. When classrooms became practice places for school dances, when the bare walls were being decorated for Christmas competitions, and those last days before vacations and we know we wouldn't see each other for quite some time. I'm in love with those days when we're lost in a familiar place.

That's why when I got accepted in college, in my dream course of arts and films, I was over the moon. They were the happiest days of my life, waking up and knowing you've got to learn and do what you love. Until everything spiraled down.

Binaba ko ang camera nang makitang pumasok ang nurse sa kwarto ko. Binalik ko ito sa pouch. Lumapit ang nurse na nakatutok sa hawak na clipboard habang naglalakad.

"Good morning, Gabriela. Check lang ako ng vitals mo."

Umupo ako ng mas maayos, dangling my feet off the bed while a different daytime nurse, Nurse Jade, checks on me. We did the usual routine.

She wrapped the thing over my arms and squeezed in pressure until it feels like my arm is gonna explode. She held the thermometer gun before my forehead to see if I'm having fever today. She unwrapped the set of needles to extract blood from my arms for blood test to check if the medicines are doing their thing. She checked on my back with the cold metal of the stethoscope against my skin to make sure my breathing is normal, and a few more stuff.

"Ito ang mga gamot mo today."

Binaba niya ang maliit na tray sa mesa sa tabi ng kama ko.

In there was seven different colored tablets which I have to take in set at least three times a day, other than the bag of chemotherapy they infused through my IV every week.

"Nandyan na ba si Mama?"

Nurse Jade was adjusting the thermostat attached on the wall nang sumagot siya. "Yes. Madami siyang pasyente ngayon sa clinic pero mag-r-rounds siya mamaya."

Lumabas si Nurse Jade. I grabbed the remote control of the TV then turned it on.

Mom basically lives in the hospital just like me. In a different circumstances. She's a doctor, a hematologist to be exact, someone whose expert on blood.

That's why she put me in here to be closely monitored. It's free by the way because she's one of the resident doctor. But still, all those medicines aren't.

A cartoon show was on the TV so I grabbed my phone under the pillow and I took a picture of the green platypus and send it to my younger brother.

This looks like you hehe.

It's Saturday morning and he wasn't online. I wonder what's he's doing.

Bili ka potato chips and chocolate chips when you visit.

A moment later a bubble appear that means he's typing.

Wala ako pera!

I typed with a sinister smile. Bayaran ko dito.

Lies, lies. Of course hindi ko babayaran. I have money here but that's for sneaking some coffee from the vending machine or some stale chips in the cafeteria.

Bandang hapon bumisita si Iñigo, ang fifteen years old kong kapatid. Naka-simangot siya nang pumasok sa kwarto while rubbing his hands with sanitizer.

Sinilip ko ang mga dala niya sa paper bag. But it was all Tupperware containers of oatmeal cookies and oven baked potato wedges. Sumimangot ako.

"Walang potato chips?"

"Hindi healthy 'yon. Mamala made these instead."

My lips turned into a defeated pout. Dumerecho si Iñigo sa pantry at inayos ang mga dalang pagkain. May dala din siyang prutas na nilagay niya sa refrigerator.

"So, kamusta naman si girlfriend?" I teased.

Dahil busy sa school, madalas weekend lang siya nakakabisita kaya weekend ko lang din siya naasar.

But I often saw tagged pictures of him on social media, mostly with friends and classmates. And I know well enough if someone purposely sides with you in a picture o kapag mas nakatingin ka pa sa ibang tao kesa sa camera.

And little Iñigo here, who's not so little anymore because he's basically a towering five foot ten, is obviously crushing with his pretty classmate.

"Wala akong girlfriend!" Himutok niya.

But I was already laughing on how much his face blushes. Ah, high school romance.

Pareho kaming tumigil sa pag-aasaran nang pumasok si Mama sa kwarto. She's wearing her white coat with a small brass pin. Dr. Louisa D. San Gabriel, MD. FPCP, DPSHBT

"Have you sanitize your hand?" tanong niya kay Iñigo.

And even though he already did dahil hindi niya naman ito nakakalimutan, pumunta pa rin siya sa pinto kung saan nakalagay ang malaking container ng sanitizer.

Pumunta si Mama sa likuran ko and placed the cold steel stethoscope against my back. Deep breathes, deep breathes. She adjusted the box machine on the pole pumping the IV and checks on my tongue and the eyes for paleness.

"Iniinom mo ba ang mga gamot mo?"

Pumunta siya sa table kung saan nakalagay ang tray ng mga gamot. I've taken them all. I don't wanna hear an ear-full from her. Other doctors were kind and understanding and have soft voices. My mom was strict and scary.

"Can I go home?"

The question was like an experiment, like testing a probability with little chance of success.

Other patients could go home after every session but I've been here for five months now for my chemotherapy and it's gonna be my last cycle soon.

Home. It's been the rarity for me.

"I'll see."

I blinked, astounded. "Really?" It's better, way better, than a solid no or not yet.

Maybe I won't get to spend my birthday here after all. It was honestly something I've been anxious about.

It was already dark when my mom and Iñigo left. After having dinner of bland broccoli and cheese, rice and lean chicken breast, and a glass or orange juice, Nurse Wendy, my night time nurse, remove the IV tube from the machine so I can take a shower, change clothes, and do my thing.

And when it's already eight in the evening, I fluff on my bed and immediately message Shane.

Hey, Shane. Good news! There's tiny bit of chance na pwede na akong lumabas!

The moment I sent the message, he's already typing a reply.

Makakalabas ka nanaman sa lungga mo. Then he inserted a sighing emoji.

I sent him an laughing evil witch gif.

So how's the single life so far? Haven't felt the atmosphere of independence yet? The air of freedom?

Shane rarely post on social media, but I just saw a post he shared the other day, about hearts being broken and shit. What a pathetic boy. Instead of typing back a reply, bigla siyang nagvideo call. Sinagot ko agad.

His pixelated face appeared on the screen. He was saying something, while finger combing his super messy hair as though he just got back from the shower.

"What?"

The reception was bad and I couldn't hear half of what he's saying. Saka ko lang siya narinig at nakita nang maayos noong maupo siya sa kama habang hawak pa rin ang phone.

"Wear some shirt."

He's wearing a plaid green pajama. We had matching ones Mamala gave us last Christmas. Red for me and green for him, and yellow for Iñigo. Christmas tree.

"Wait wait."

Binaba niya ang phone sa kama and I was face with the ceiling of his room. From the corners of the screen, nakikita ko siyang nagsusuot ng damit. A gray shirt with a logo printed on the middle. The logo of Monkey D. Luffy's crew from the anime One Piece. He's such a dork, really.

Umupo siya nang maayos sa kama at kinuha ang phone niya at muling humarap sa'kin.

"Nanonood ka?" tanong niya nang marinig ang nakabukas na TV. "Patingin."

I let him watch a scene where the protagonist along with his group was basically going through a killing spree with the authorities of the train while making their way towards the water supply to take control of entire train.

"'Yan ang mga paborito mong panoorin," puna niya. "Kung hindi natu-torture, namamatay o nasusunog."

"What? It disturbing but it also talks about discrimination and global warming."  My film student self was ready to fight him.

We grew quiet as we watch together through the video call. Nang matapos ang movie, muli ko siyang tinanong.

"Ano, masakit pa ba ang puso mo?" pang-aasar ko sa pagiging broken hearted niya.

Tumahimik siya bago ako tinignan sa screen. "Sobra."

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