Day 3 back in the hospital

I woke up feeling tired. It's like I'm getting more and more tired the longer I stay here. I went into the same morning routine, but it doesn't feel like what it used to be.

Mamala and Iñigo came to visit me in the morning. They brought food I've been asking for since day one and since the food in here is so bland. By ten o'clock Iñigo had to leave for his class and Mamala and I were left alone.

She's slicing fruits when she asked me about Shane. "He's been asking about you. Bakit hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag niya?"

I keep my eyes on the TV even though the movie isn't that interesting. "I'll text him later," was all my reply. Though I know I wouldn't do it. All his texts and calls were stuck on my phone, unanswered.

"Nag-away ba kayo?"

"No," sagot ko. "Just tell him I'm okay. I don't want him to worry."

"Siguradong mas nagaalala siya dahil hindi mo siya kinakausap."

But how could I tell him I'm here? Shane would drop everything and go here. I know, I've seen him do it a hundred times. How much does he have to bare being with me?

After having lunch together, Mamala had to go too, and I'm left again in my room. I tried to watch movies and do stuff but nothing seems remotely interesting. When did things get bland as we grow up?

My phone buzz from the table. I checked it to see Shane adding another text from dozen of his unread texts. Gab, please answer my calls.

I put my phone back on the table, face down. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing.

When Shane's mom died, we were in our English class. One of his father's worker knocked at the door and went straight to the teacher. Nag-usap sila sandali and then the teacher went back in front of the class.

"Shane, pwede ka ng umuwi."

Shane was my seatmate then, because he insisted so. Nagbibiruan pa kami noong tawagin siya.

"Birthday kasi ni Mama ko," proud na sabi niya at bumungisngis pa.

Nakangiting pinuntahan niya ang tauhan ng Papa niya. Pagalis nila, humarap sa'min ang teacher na may malungkot na mukha.

"Class, patay na ang Mama ni Shane."

Two months siyang hindi pumasok matapos 'yon. Teachers and school staff were asking about him. One day, the congressman came into our school and told our homeroom teacher that Shane would temporarily stop from schooling.

Paguwi ko, tumakbo agad ako papunta sa bahay nila. As a kid I always find his house huge and looming and the congressman and Shane's brother to be intimidating. May mataas silang gate at mas mataas na pader na bubong nalang ng bahay ang nakikita mula sa labas.

Ang Kuya niya ang nagpapasok sa'kin. Kuya Tristan was this straight-A snobby, high school student who's basically the opposite of sunshine Shane. Whenever we play inside their house lagi niya kaming pinagagalitan dahil ang iingay namin at hindi siya makapag-concentrate sa ginagawa. So we always end up going to my house where we could laugh, shout, and run around all we wanted.

"Ayaw niyang magpapasok," sabi ni Kuya Tristan. "Hinarangan niya ng mga gamit ang pinto."

"Shane?" Kumatok ako.

"Hindi ka niya pagbubuksan," sabi ng Kuya niya sabay alis.

But it didn't bother me. I sat on the floor in front of his room. "Shane, alam mo kanina sa school..." Nagkwento ako sa mga nangyari sa school noong wala siya. I was talking alone, but I wasn't entirely talking to myself. Alam kong nakikinig siya.

"Shane, buksan mo na kasi! May sasabihin ako."

I started knocking again, repeatedly until I was slamming my entire arms against the door.

"Aray!"

Tumama ang braso ko sa door knob, and it was so painful I had to sit back on the floor while holding my arms. I was in the onset of crying when Shane opened the door.

He peeked from the narrow space, eyes red and swollen. Payat na siya noon, lalo pa siyang pumayat. Tumayo agad ako at pumasok sa kwarto bago pa niya maisara ang pinto.

"Hoy, sandali!"

I sat on his blue bed as if I was an invited guest. "Papasok ka na sa Lunes?"

"Hindi na ako papasok." Nakatayo siya sa tapat ng mga gamit na pinangharang niya sa pinto. May mesa, upuan, and even a small drawer.

"Bakit?"

"Wala na si Mama... sana sumama na lang ako sa kanya. Ayoko dito... wala akong kakampi-"

In that moment, I hopped down the bed, walked towards him and slapped my little palm against his cheeks. "Kapag sumama ka... sino na ang kakampi ko?"

Natulala siya at tinitigan ako. Then he started crying like the wimpy kid he was. He wailed and cried and he told me he hated me. He hated me for being selfish, for not thinking of what he felt, for barging in his room and slapping his face.

And then a week after that he started going to school again.

I never told him that I broke my wrist because of the incident. Because I was glad it happened. The thing about Shane, whatever he's going through, hindi niya natitiis kapag nasasaktan ako. And even though I was selfish and rude and fucked-up, he remained by my side until now... a promise we both made.

I had a long nap. Hapon na noong magising ako. When I woke up, someone was sitting beside my bed, head against the cushion, his eyes closed. The low setting sun was behind him from the window. But I would always know... Shane.

He was breathing deeply as though even in his sleep, he's anxious and worried. I raised my hand to touch his hair, pero agad ko ding binawi nang makita ang mga nakakabit na bagay dito. All the tubes and needles and bruises.

"Shane?"

Agad siyang nagising nang marinig ang boses ko. "Gab..."

Inayos niya ang sarili, pilit inaalis ang antok at pagod. "How do you feel? Do you need the nurse?"

"Why are you here?"

"You were ignoring all my calls and text. Do you even know how worried sick I was knowing I'm two hundred kilometres away from you?"

I sat on my bed. I couldn't face his question so I asked for other things. "How's your project. Tapos na ba?"

"No. I'll drive back this evening. Iñigo told me you're here kaya ako nandito."

"Shane... Pangasinan is three or even four hours away from Quezon City."

"I could drive for hours, you know that."

For the first time I couldn't bare him being in front of me. Shane, no matter where he is, once he learn I'm here he would come.

"How's you and Cheska?" I asked, filling in the silence.

"Nakausap ko siya noong isang araw. She's asking if we could get back together."

"Did... did you get back together?"

I was searching for reluctance on his face but there's none. "No. You're my priority."

I stare at him as words left me.

We always throw these words around. I know you love me. I like being with you. You're my priority. But it's like I only realize the heaviness of it.

"I told her before we even start dating na kung may mangyari, ikaw ang uunahin ko.

Umiling ako. "That's not what I'm asking you to do, Shane. No wonder people leave you because you're chaining yourself with me." Huminga ako nang malalim, because I couldn't bare to say the words. "You don't have to worry about me. Just go and live your life and I'll be here just fine."

Naningkit ang mga mata niya. "What's wrong with you?"

It was the type of conversation we never had before. A conversation so heavy it's sinking me down. Kinagat ko ang labi ko, humiga, at tumalikod mula sa kanya.

"Gabriel."

"I'm tired."

If there's one thing I learned being sick this long, it's the use of magic words. And one of them is to say you're tired. Because they'll never know what you're tired of. Tired for the day? Tired of the conversation? Tired of living? Breathing? Fighting? No one knows that's why they leave you be.

"Babalik ako bukas."

"I hope you don't."

Huminto siya sa may pintuan. I could feel him standing there, watching me. Then he walked out and closed the door.

***