Day 1 out of hospital

My room was nearly empty except for the things that's been there noong dumating ako. Wala na ang mga nagkalat na libro at notebooks, o ang mga nakadikit na pictures sa pader. Ang natira nalang ay maliliit na mantsa ng pen ink sa mesa at mga pinag-alisan ng tapes sa pader.

"Oh, I won't miss you," I said as I pack the last clothes on my bag. Even the IV that's been connected on my hands since day one was now removed. My hands were now free and ready to punch someone.

The nurses and staff of my unit congratulated me. They even gave me a bouquet of pink tulips. As much as I don't want to see them again because that means bad news, I'd surely miss them.

"Sigurado ka ba hindi na kita ihahatid?" tanong ni Mama nang bumaba kami sa lobby. Every few seconds, someone-- a nurse, staff or patient-- would greet her.

"Shane would pick me up."

I was sitting on the wheelchair, just the protocol. Though I feel completely fine. Katabi ko ang natitirang bag ng mga gamit ko and my cozy blanket.

"Okay then. Derecho sa bahay," paalala niya.

I watched her leave the lobby to attend to the patients waiting for her in her clinic. Nang makaalis siya, I quickly texted Shane. Punta tayo mall. May bibilhin ako.

I was grinning the entire time while sitting on the passenger's seat of Shane's car.

"Ang sabi ng mama mo uwi agad," paalala ni Shane na nakatingin sa daan.

"Bakit? May bibilhin lang naman ako ah," inosenteng sinabi ko.

"Tigil-tigilan mo ako, Gab. Alam ko 'yang ugali mo."

Humagikgik ako. "E'di sasamahan mo ako?"

He let out a short, defeated sigh. "Ano pa nga ba?"

Nang nasa parking lot na kami ng mall, hindi agad kami makaalis sa sasakyan dahil nag-aaway kami.

"It's a public place, Gab. Isuot mo ang mask mo."

"Ayoko. I'll look like a sick person."

"You are a sick person."

I crossed my arms, which still has the cotton balls and tape from the wound of my IV, and gave him a sharp gaze.

"Ayokong itakbo ka pabalik sa hospital."

Tinitigan ko siya. I released the breath I didn't know I've been holding during the entire argument. "Okay whatever," sabay irap.

Inalis ko ang seat belt saka ako may naalala. Hindi ko pala dapat siya inaaway.

Umusog ako palapit sa kanya nang may ngiti. That angelic smile he knows too well lalo na tuwing may kailangan ako sa kanya. Kaya hindi pa ako nagsasalita, napapakamot na siya ng ulo.

"Pwede pautang? Wala pala akong dalang pera."

We were in the book store. I was wearing a mask. I hate it, honestly. If I could, I would remove the damn thing. But that also means exposing myself to harm and I couldn't afford that for now. Lalo na kalalaya ko lang.

"Doon ka muna," sabi ko kay Shane habang nakasalampak ako sa sahig ng bookstore sa gitna ng aisle ng mga libro. Isa isa kong tinignan ang mga gusto kong bilhin. "Magtingin ka muna sa ibang shop. Matagal pa ako dito."

Paano ba naman, nakatayo lang siya at naghihintay sa'kin. I don't want that kind of pressure. I'm in a bookstore for pity's sake. I could live in here if I could.

Lumapit siya at nag-squat sa tabi ko. "Dito lang ako, maghihintay. Baka takasan mo pa ako."

I peeled my gaze away from the excerpt of the book I was holding saka bumaling kay Shane. Nakatingin siya sa card na hawak ko sa isang kamay. A debit card with his name, Shane Arguelles.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya saka binalik ang atensyon sa binabasa. But honestly, he looks extra presentable today. Shane's the blue jean, sweatshirt type of person, but today he had his hair styled up and he brought back that silver dot of an earring on his left ear na matagal kong hindi nakita. Naka-itim din siyang Vans ngayon, instead of his usual white sneakers.

Iba talaga kapag heart broken. Pakalbo na din kaya siya? I silently giggled at the thought of bald Shane.

Matapos ang halos isang oras sa bookstore, nakapili na din ako ng bibilhin. I bought six books. Three of them a trilogy, and the other three were stand alone. I also bought disposable 35mm film and polariods in the nearby photo shop.

Nagbayad ako sa cashier gamit ang debit card ni Shane at siya din ang nagbuhat ng mga binili ko. Kunwari nag-insist ako na ako na ang magdadala pero syempre kunwari lang 'yon.

"Dinala mo lang ako dito para maging alalay," sabi niya habang naglalakad-lakad kami.

"Narealize mo din," ngisi ko.

After the book store, we went inside the department store to check on their make up section. I've been seeing a lot of new products on the internet these past few months and I was excited to try those dark lipstick shades. Who knows, baka nga expired na 'yong mga make up ko sa bahay.

We were on a kiosk of my favorite brand and I grabbed the testers with such giddiness that Shane, who's been sighing heavily, grabbed it from my hands.

"What?"

"Madumi ang testers."

"No one dies from dirty testers," ismid ko. Arte arte.

"Just grab the colors you want. Bilhin mo na."

My smile when I turned to him was devilish. Inside my head I was cackling like a witch. "Talaga? Kahit ilan?" Nagsimula akong mamili ng mga kulay. Plum shades, brick reds, wine red. Oh, so many to choose from.

"Dalawa lang."

I choose three shades of lipsticks and a waterproof mascara anyway. Kuripot na tao ni Shane so if the opportunity knocks, I would shove everyone out of my way to the door.

After thirty more minutes of walking endlessly through the department store we decided it's time to grab some drinks before heading back to the parking lot.

"Pulang pula ang sasakyan," puna ko nanaman nang mapansin ang bagong kulay ng sasakyan ni Shane. "Buti pumayag ang Kuya mo na ipa-modify 'yan."

Sa pagkakatanda ko, ayaw na ayaw ng Kuya niya na baguhin ang ano man sa sasakyan kahit pa binigay na ito kay Shane noong college freshmen year,

One time, Shane got the driver's seat refurnished and Kuya Tristan was so furious Shane ended up commuting for two weeks.

"Kuya's busy stressing his ass off for the bar exam to even care." Shane started the engine.

Five months in the hospital was quite long and Shane rarely tells anything about what's happening with him unless you prompt him to. Like during my college freshmen and I was video calling him about my orientation. We were talking like normal until I noticed the cast on his arm. If I didn't point it out he would never tell me he got into a minor accident with his brother while driving.

"How about Tito?"

We we're heading out of the mall to the national road when Shane snickered. "Busy kissing people's ass for the next election."

"Hey!" I nudged him and nearly spill the cup of iced caramel macchiato inside the car. He'd kill me if I did.

"He's a good congressman. Siya ang nagpa-ayos ng daan sa baranggay malapit sa village natin." I remember hearing about his projects bago ako naconfine.

Shane scoffed. "Because the village would benefit more than the local people in the area. Come on, Gab. It's not like you have no idea about politics."

"Whatever," ismid ko. Naaasar ako pag tama siya.

Pagdating namin sa bahay, nagpark si Shane sa driveway at nagmadali akong lumabas ng sasakyan. Binuksan ko agad ang pinto at nagsisigaw sa loob ng bahay.

"Welcome back to me!"

Umiiling na sumunod si Shane. "Baliw na talaga."

Tahimik ang bahay. Mukhang walang tao. Napansin ko agad ang pagbabago dito. There's obviously a change in paint color on the windowsill, added wooden chairs on the counter, and colorful quilt pillows. Grandma really made this rather bleak home cozy.

And there's the familiar ones welcoming me. The worn-out sofa with cushion pushed deep because of all those jumping up and down while singing It's My Life by Bon Jovi on New Year's Eve. Ah, what a tradition.

Then there's the white cabinets of tea cups my mom stops collecting years back. But still, forty something pair of tea cups and saucers was really something. The house plants! I'm glad they're still alive. Hinawakan ko ang mga dahon nila isa isa habang nakabilad sila sa mahabang mesa malapit sa bintana.

I didn't know I would miss the things I usually disregard in every day basis.

"Tapos ka ng i-welcome ang sarili mo?"

Shane was on a corner, rubbing sanitizers all over his calloused hands. Of course, the sets of sanitizers, alcohol and disinfectant. They're in trays attached to the wall. Meron sa front door,  sa kusina, sa hallway, at bago ka pumasok ng kwarto ko. They're everywhere.

"Where are they?"

Pumunta ako sa back door ng kitchen at nakita si Mamala sa ilalim ng mango tree habang inaayos ang ilang pagkain sa mesa. There's a huge strawberry cake in there and dozen of chocolate chip cookies. There's also a tray of potato chips, vegetable sticks and humus. Kung wala lang gulay, maluluha na talaga ako.

"Mamala!"

I run and hugged her small frame. Why Mamala? Shorten version of Mama Lola. From the back gate of the garden, Iñigo came biking from the back street and parked his tall bike against the fence.

"I miss you, bro-dah!"

I open my arms for a hug pero sumimangot lang siya at hindi ako pinansin. Ganyan 'yan. Sarap sapakin kung minsan. Umupo kaming lahat sa garden chairs. Parang picnic!

"Dumaan ka nanaman sa bahay ng crush mo, no?" pang-aasar ko sa kapatid ko. 'Yon lang naman ang dahilan kaya siya dumadaan sa likod ng village.

Umirap siya. Grabe. Mas magaling pa siya sa'kin umirap. "Ikaw kasi single habang buhay."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko habang sumusubo ng strawberry cake. Aba, aba! Personalan?

Tumawa nang mahina si Mamala. Hindi siya kumakain maliban sa fresh lemonade na nasa mason jars. Hindi siya masyadong mahilig sa matatamis.

Me? I couldn't imagine life without sweets.

Inabot ni Shane ang panyo sa'kin because I was making a mess from the white icing of the cake. "Kumain ka muna bago magsalita. Nagkakalat ka."

"Single daw ako habang buhay?" sabi ko kay Shane.

"Nandito naman ako," sagot niya na pinunasan ang labi ko. "Para ampunin ka kung sakaling wala ng gustong mag-alaga sayo kapag matanda ka na."

Sinapak ko nga. Isa pa e.

After we eat and clean after ourselves, nagpaalam na si Shane. At six in the evening, Mamala was at the kitchen cooking a healthier dinner of beef broccoli while Iñigo was at the living room, slumped on the sofa, watching a basketball game while chatting someone on his phone. Mang-aasar sana ako pero baka bumalik lang sa'kin.

Kumuha ako ng maliit na slice ng strawberry cake na inakyat ko sa kwarto ko. I was wearing my strawberry print pajama set and happily humming random tunes.

Nilapag ko ang plate sa kwarto, tinabi ang ilan pang nakapatong dito tulad ng mga libro, marble ornaments and clear bottles of dried flowers and stems.

Pinagmasdan ko ang kwarto ko habang ngumunguya ng cake. The thin white curtains, the dream catchers hanging above my bed frame, the corner of black wall painted with huge soft pink flowers and the vintage looking dressers.

Pabagsak akong humiga sa kama. I stared at the familiar ceiling and the familiar lightnings and the familiar smell of the soft sheets. Ngumiti ako na parang baliw. I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss the house and everything in it.

I miss living.

***