"Damn you guys look like shit" Beck said to Holten and I as we walked to my locker the next morning. Holten said he was actually hurting some this time because we were on the ground. Ha!

"Thanks Beck" Holten said sarcastically.

"No problem. So what happened?"

"Uhm, video games all night" I replied smoothly.

"Cod?"

"What else?" I said in a dur voice. I noticed Kellan looking at Holten weirdly. Holten was staring back creepily. I laughed and he turned to look at me.

"Fuck you looking at!" He said in a deep voice. Which only made me laugh harder.

"Ryder did you do drugs?" Beck asked.

"Nope"

"O.....Kay?" He said confused. Yeah, I didn't know what was up with me either. I was just in the mood to laugh and have fun and I was going to because I didn't know how long this was going to last.

(After school because its boring)

"Beck!" I yelled.

"What!" He snapped. He was making out with Kellan and I needed to get home but he needed a ride.

"Why don't you give the dick your keys and ill take you home" Holten said irritated. I threw my keys at Beck and followed Holten.

"He is being a dick. How the fuck am I supposed to get my car back?"

"We could drive to his house and you drive home from there"

"No I wanna hang out"

"With me?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh okay"

"We can go to my house. I just wanna get Hannah first. If that's okay"

"Yeah she doesn't bother me"

I felt like my body was shaking from the inside.

"Ryder? You okay? What'd you take?"

"Nothing" I said immediately.

"Ryder"

"I had an Amp .....or two"

"The energy drink. Are you serious?"

"Yup"

"Wow. I should give you sugar more often. You're fun. But no more energy drinks. Your freaking out"

"It's my body and I will drink them if I want to. I love them!"

"I don't know what to say to that. I like Amp too though"

"Yayy! Amp buddies!"

We were now at my house. Hannah had been so happy to see me and come home. Now she was upstairs playing. Holten and I were on the couch. Stephen King's It on.

"Stupid damned clown" I muttered.

"Uh?"

"I hate clowns"

"Aw Ryder's scared of clowns"

"Shut up" I growled.

"Don't growl things at me"

"What are you gonna do about it?" I challenged. He smirked. Uh oh. He pushed me down on the couch and had a grip on my hips. He crawled on top of me.

"Let's see if you're ticklish" he grinned and I tried to protest but he attacked my sides. I busted out laughing.

"Holten!"

"Are you gonna stop growling at me?"

"Maybe?"

"Well I'll just have to tickle you"

"That won't stop me from doing anything. It'll make me kick you though"

"You want something don't you?"

"Uh no. Just get up"

"Ryder just tell me"

"I want you"

"Your little sisters here"

"To kiss me" I whispered. His eyes grew big. I felt his muscles tense.

"I don't know Ryder. I don't kiss" he whispered so softly I hardly heard him.

"Oh I'm sorry. Lets forget this ever happened. This isn't going to change our fucking right?"

He busted out laughing.

"I've gotten you addicted". Boy he didn't know how true that was.

"And no Ryder, everything's okay. It doesn't change that I still wanna fuck you every time I see you"

"You're that sexy too"

"Is that you're way of saying you want me just as bad"

"Yes it is" he grinned.

"Ryder!" Hannah called running downstairs.

"Yes boobear?"

"Can I eat?"

"Sure" I got up and walked to the kitchen.

"Mac n cheese please" she said giggling. I smiled at her. I fixed her some and she headed to the living room.

"Holten turn the channel" I yelled. I got Holten and I some and went to living room. Hannah was sitting in Holtens lap watching Spongebob.

"Get off Holten"

"She's fine" he said and took the bowl I handed to him. After Hannah finished she jumped down and faced us.

"I like him better Ryder"

"Than someone or better than me"

"Than Conner" she said before leaving.

"I love her" he said grinning huge. My mouth was open.

"Close your mouth before you catch flies." I stuck my tongue out at him before snatching his bowl and getting up.

Holtens Pov

He stuck his tongue out at me before taking my bowl and leaving. He shouldn't tempt me like that. He had no idea how bad I want to kiss him. I just couldn't make myself do it. I was to screwed up mentally to kiss him. Plus it meant to me that I had feelings for who I kissed. And if I kissed him, I'd have to stop lying to myself. I can't get hurt again. Not until I'm more emotionally stable.

I couldn't believe Hannah liked me better and she just met me. I guess she could tell Conner was bad. I knew he was. Ryder came back and sat down. He changed the channel back to IT and he flinched when the clown popped up. I scooted closer to him and put my arm around him. He automatically leaned into me.

"Why are you scared of clowns?"

"Just am"

"I don't believe that. You can tell me anything"

He sighed and I lifted his face to look at me. I saw tears in his eyes.

"Please tell me. At least stop crying"

"I'm not crying. And i can't"

I sighed. "My dad..." I gulped and felt tears pricking my eyes.

"Holten you don't have to tell me stuff". Most people would've wanted to know but he cared more about me being upset.

"I tell you, you tell me"

"Fine" he mumbled.

"My dad killed my little brother, Logan. He beat him to death and I was at school in detention."

"My dad molested me when I was five. It was Halloween. And he was dressed up in a clown costume that night. He had planned on going tricking treating with me but mom and him got in a fight so mom took me. When we got home he had been drinking and mom went upstairs."

We looked into each others eyes. I knew we both felt sorry for the other but didn't want to say it.

"I'm sorry" we said at the same time. I kissed his forehead, the best I could give him. I grabbed the remote and turned the t.v off.

"Wanna take Hannah home and go get your car?"

"Why drop her off first?"

"Quickie in the car" he grinned and I felt my heart lighten a bit. His smile made me smile. Though I hated it, I liked it all the same.

"Hannah lets go!" He yelled and I laughed.

"Oright see you guys later! Find some where to pull the fuck over" I laughed. I turned the radio on and Backseat Serenade came on. I winked at him and headed to the park.

When we got there he gave me a look. "I am not getting on the ground again"

"Listen to the song dork"

"Oh backseat sex" I nodded and jumped in the back before dragging him back there with me. I pulled him onto my lap and kissed his jaw. He grabbed my hands and put them above my head. He pushed me down onto my back.

"Hey Deja vu?" I asked and he smirked.

"Except this time it's your turn" I told him before flipping us over. I unzipped his jeans and pulled those and he boxers down.

"Already hard?"

"I have been since you said quickie in the car" I smirked.

"You said I could be top"

"There's not enough room...you don't care do you."

"Let's go back to my house then"

"We can sometime Ryder. I promise" I smiled. He was so cute. I mean he was fucking sexy, gorgeous and anything other beautiful word but the way he acted sometimes was fucking adorable.

"Fine" he pouted. I was gonna fix that. I would have him moaning in a few seconds. I kissed his belly and felt him shiver. I held back a smirk. He's given me plenty of blow jobs but he's never seen what I could do. I bit down on his hip and he hissed. I took him by surprise and took him in mouth. He groaned. And I got to work. I sucked, licked and he thrust the best he could for lying on his back. I looked up at him and saw his eyes were closed and he was panting. I reached up and grabbed his hand. Since he couldn't dig his nails in me. I wouldn't lie I loved that he did that. I knew he didn't mean to but it was so sexy.

He intertwined our fingers and I licked my tongue over his tip. It sent him over the edge and he came with a loud moan. I swallowed and sucked whatever was left out of him. I opened my mouth and looked at him. I smirked, feeling proud. He finally opened his eyes. Our hands were still together.

"You okay there?" I asked and he rolled his eyes.

"Is it your turn now?" He asked.

"Why yes it is" I smirked.

Ryder's Pov

"Bye Holten"

"Adios Ryder"

I got out and headed to Becks door. I rang the door bell and he answered it.

"Here's your keys bro"

"Thanks"

"I know you won't believe it but I do feel bad."

"It's okay" I grinned and headed to my car. On the ride home I thought about the talk with Holten. I couldn't believe he lost his brother and because of his own dad. If dad killed Hannah I would kill him. I wouldn't care what would happen to me. I also couldn't believe I had actually told someone what happened to me, especially Holten. Then what Hannah said about liking him better than Conner. Beck ditching me for Kellan. The worst thing was me being a little bitch and asking him to kiss me and getting rejected. I sighed.

My phone buzzed and I answered it.

"Helloo?"

"Hey babe"

"Conner"

"I take it you're still mad at me"

"No I'm tired"

"Oh I'm sorry. I wanted to ask you something?"

"Sure"

"Would you be my boyfriend?"

I'm never gonna get Holten. He doesn't want me in any way but sex. Maybe if I dated Conner I could get over that faster. It probably wasn't anything anyways. I internally sighed.

"Of course"

"Yes!" I chuckled.

"I'll talk to you later I'm driving."

"Okay night Ryder"

"Goodnight"

I hung up with a sigh. Did I do the right thing? I guess I'll see.