It was the beginning of a new world order. I was friends with Billy Collins. There were no vague references to missed opportunities for love or lust; there was just camaraderie built on a shared mutual experience of growth, pain, and resurrection. It extended beyond that day of watching movies and eating pizza in a Portland hotel room. There was near-constant communication between texting and calls. It felt like having it all was within my reach, but Sam still wasn't calling.

"Hey," I answered in a whisper as I made my way out of the library.

"She left me." There was empty disbelief in Billy's voice.

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. Something about 'we were going down different paths.'"

"How can you be going down different paths? You've only been together for a couple of months. There are no paths yet." My mind whirled through all the recent anecdotes Billy had shared about Sarah.

"Right?"

"Did you come on too strong? Like, did you propose or something crazy?"

"No, and thanks for assuming this was my fault."

"Sorry, I mean..."

"I didn't come on too strong with you, Lil. Hell, after our first night, I barely spoke to you for months."

"True," I acknowledge.

"Geez, Lil. Way to make this about us," he sighed.

"Well, at least it got your mind off her for a few minutes." I leaned against the wall of the library. "Right before Christmas, too; that's cold."

"I'm used to women crushing my heart on major holidays."

"I'm sorry, Billy. I know you were really into her."

"Mmhmm," his mind was elsewhere. "You want to come up to a cabin after Christmas?"

"Cabin?"

"Yeah, I rented this place between Christmas and the New Year. I planned on flying out with my mom, Tim, and Tess to spend some time with Sarah. That's obviously not happening."

"I don't know, Billy. While the friends thing is going remarkably well, I'm not sure if we should push it."

"Mmhmm, think about it. My mom would love to see you." There was an annoying smugness to his voice, as though he knew I'd crumble. "It's in Greenville."

"Greenville like Maine? Like Moosehead?"

"Yeah," he let out a laugh.

"You were bringing your new girlfriend to Maine? Of all the places you could take her, Maine?"

"Can you not make everything about you?" There was a jest in his voice.

I let out a laugh. "You're the one coming to Maine. Can you not make everything about me?"

"Oh, shut up. Just for that, I'm going to make Tim pick you up," he shot at me.

"I didn't say yes," I argued.

"Sure you did; we can be breakup buddies."

"Billy, I don't think we should..." my voice dropped out.

"Geez, Lil, straight to sex? I meant we could be friends helping each other through breakups. You're so vulgar."

"I'm vulgar? 'Breakup buddies' is universally friends having casual sex," I shot.

"Well then, many people are doing it wrong because sex with me is anything but casual."

"Wow, maybe you should be breakup buddies with your ego."

"That's what I like about you, Lil. I can't get away with anything. I got to run; I have a thing." Billy always went light on details when he had to work. It was like he thought I might forget he was a rock star if he obscured it as much as possible.

"Okay, call me if you need me. I'm sorry about you and Sarah."

"Yeah, it sucks. Any word from Sam?"

"Nope, I think that ship has sailed." I sighed.

"Sorry, Lil. Love you; talk soon." And then the line was dead.

I knew no wouldn't be an option for the cabin, and even as I tried to convince myself it was a terrible idea to go, I got more excited about spending a week with Billy, Tim, Tess, and Mary. It'd be a good test for the resolve of our friendship. I was feeling confident. Something changed when Billy was there for me through Sam. It was as though seeing me love Sam and wanting to be with someone else was jarring enough for him to know that I meant it when I said I wanted to be friends.

It would've been even better if Sam had called. I knew I couldn't reach out to him; it wasn't my place. Sam knew I didn't want him to leave; I didn't want to break up. His silence meant that he was done. My lie of omission was too much for him to overcome. It didn't stop me from looking around more when I was getting lunch or immediately checking every message in case it was him, but it never was.

I distracted myself with Billy, Tim, Tess, and my classes, particularly the final push of papers for the fall semester. A couple of days and all the work would be behind me. I had already planned my winter break; I was going to send out copious amounts of resumes and hope someone, anyone, would want to at least talk to me.

Still, as the days ticked closer to Christmas, a small hope that Sam would at least send a holiday well-wish stubbornly clung to the back of my mind. With no word from him, the arrival of Christmas snuffed out the hope.

"I think you should call him." My mom's tone was more chiding than helpful as she passed the rolls to my dad during Christmas dinner.

"Yes, Mom, I'm aware of your thoughts. You've shared that suggestion numerous times," I reminded her. "It's not my place. He walked away. He knows where I stand."

"Maybe we should talk about something else; it's Christmas," my dad futilely offered.

"Agreed," I smiled.

My dad settled into a conversation on some Ken Burns documentary with my brother and sister as my mom and I listened in awkward silence.

"He might think you're still hung up on your ex," my mother murmured.

"Well, he'd be ridiculous for thinking that. It was pretty clear he was the one I wanted," I quietly snapped back to her.

"Well, maybe he was taken aback by your previous taste in men." She said it in a tone that made a flare of defense for Billy rise in me, but I pushed it back down.

"You only met Sam once; maybe you should stop conjecturing about what a guy you met once thinks," I reminded her.

"Well, we've been in touch," she added in an annoyingly smug voice.

"I'm sorry, you've what?" My voice came to full volume, drawing the attention of my dad and siblings.

"Well, we had texted a few times before you broke up, and he's been in touch a bit, here and there." She pushed her peas around her plate as though her statement didn't change the entire world. "Your father stays in touch with that Billy; I thought it was allowed." The way she said Billy made my skin crawl.

"Well, for one, Billy didn't dump me," I reminded her.

"Sam didn't dump you. He just needed some time to digest." Her tone was baiting.

"He did dump me, and it's been weeks; he should be at the sludge phase of the digest by now." I stabbed a piece of roast harder than needed before giving up and letting the silverware fall to my plate with a loud clang. "What have you been talking about?"

"He's checked in a couple of times to see how your job search prep and classes are going." She looked at me as though her answer was obvious.

"You talk about me?" My mind whirled.

"Yeah, of course. What else would we talk about?" My mom looked between my dad and me.

"Billy and I never talk about you, Lil." My dad murmured.

"Sam has been asking about me?" I stammered again.

"Of course." My mom was shaking her head.

The conversation fell off as I dropped my face to hide my smile. Sam was asking about me. He was in touch; he still cared.