The Past

Hi everyone, I finally updated. Just a note that this chapter deals with self-harm and drug use and Rose finds out a lot of things about her father's death. I do not recommend skipping this chapter because there is a lot of info that will be alluded to later on. 

Songs of the chapter:

1. Obstacles by Syd Matters (the song attached. I reallyyyy recommend giving it a listen)

2. Moments by One Direction

3. Human by Christina Perri

4. I Know Places by Taylor Swift

5. Happy Little Pill by Troye Sivan

I smiled warily, "Hi, Mami." She put her hands on her hips, and I could see her nostrils flare a little. I scooted away from Niall. "And just what do you think you are doing?" she asked in her thick Spanish accent. I swallowed and said, "I wasn't feeling well. Niall came to check if I was alright." Niall opening his mouth to speak but I gave him the don't-do-it-unless-you-want-to-die look. He shut his mouth and looked down at his lap. Mami sighed and said, "Fine, go to bed because you're going back tomorrow morning. Good night, cariño," and with that, she left. I went and locked the door for good measure. 

I leaned back into Niall and he played with my hair. I giggled, "What are you doing, Niall?" A small smirk played on his lips as he replied, "I'm wondering how your hair can be this soft." I rolled my eyes and plugged in my earbuds and turned on my 'movie soundtracks' playlist - it always calms me. Niall took one of the earbuds and listened to it as well. I don't quite remember when I fell asleep, but what I do know is that it was in Niall's embrace.

*******

I woke up to the sun shining through the curtains. Niall's arm was tight around my waist and I spent a few minuted trying to detangle myself from him without waking him up. I'll be honest, when I realized that he was shirtless and only wearing sweats, I stared a bit (admit it, you'd do it too). I'm proud to say it worked. I slipped into the bathroom and got ready for the day ahead - packed my suitcase in silence, took pain relievers, all while Niall was still sleeping. I swear, that man is not sleeping, he's hibernating. 

At one point he stirred awake and groggily opened his eyes. He muttered something along the lines of, "What time is it?" I checked the wall clock, "Almost nine. We should probably get ready to go back." He nodded, still half asleep. He slowly sat up and I blushed at the sight of him. He felt around the side table for his glasses. Curious, I asked, "Why don't you wear glasses more often?" He rubbed his eye and placed them on the bridge of his nose, "People don't like it that much." Quietly, I said, "I think it brings out your eyes." 

"What was that?" he mumbled. "Nothing," I answered, probably a bit too quickly. He smirked, pulled a black sweatshirt over his head, flexing in the process. God, what is with me today? Must be the hormones... "You a'right?" said the Irish man, pulling me out of my daze. "Uh, yeah. Perfectly fine," I answered.

I grabbed my bag and he followed suit, not forgetting his guitar. We went downstairs and I could hear chatter and clattering silverware and plates in the kitchen. We set down our things by the door and I heard a bit of the conversation in the kitchen, stopping me in my tracks. 

"What if it is him they found?" Papi said. Who?

Mami answered, "It's been years. It can't be." Her voice sounded broken, as if she was crying. I drew in a breath when Niall's hand connected with mine. I put my finger to my lips to show him to be silent, and I kept listening. 

Continuing, Mami said, "No, cariño, two years. It's impossible. I hoped he was alive somewhere, but I never thought this would happen." She paused. Papi said, and I could hear the shuffling of his feet, "They identified him with DNA samples. It is Felipe."  Mama Mia, I could practically hear Mami thinking. 

My Tata.

I let go of Niall's hand and stormed into the kitchen. "What happened?" I asked, furiously. Mami looked like she was about to have a heart attack, while Papi cursed in Spanish. "Rosa, cariño, sit down. We need to talk about this." 

"About what?" I snapped. Niall came into view and he put a hand on my shoulder and whispered, "Listen to them. They're your grandparents." I nodded and pulled out a chair from under the table, sitting down. Everyone sat down too. Mami's eyes looked sad, and Papi's face didn't have it's usual glow. Papi said, "Do you remember how your dad was tracking down the drug lords in London when you were in high school?" Papi asked me. I nodded. Tata was a seasoned police officer, and he was a chief even. "Well, they think they've found him. He was captured by one of the men he was detailing in the woods. Felipe's partner - Alex, I think his name was - found him in the basement of a drug dealer yesterday."

No this isn't happening. Finally when my life, Michael's life, are coming together, it's being ripped apart at the seams. Monotonously, I asked, "Dead or alive?" 

"I'm sorry, cariño, but he died right after Alex found him. The man who got him overdosed him," Mami said, a sob escaping her lips. This really isn't happening. It can't. Nobody would do that to my Tata. Of all people that this could happen to, it had to be my father. I got up and walked out of the room, and walked straight to the stables. 

But what surprised me is that I didn't feel pain. In fact, everything felt numb. Maybe my life crumbling down on me all at once was too much. I'm only human. I can't take this. Once in an empty horse stall, I sat against the wall. I pulled up my shorts, and stared at my inner thighs.

Scars. 

I have no idea how many, there's too much to count. I traced them silently, a tear slipping out of my eye and falling onto my finger. I thought about all of the lies. All of the games. Falling into the trap out thinking there was a way to get past everything. But no. Life is never easy, nobody said it was. I could hear footsteps coming closer and closer. Only Niall would come after me in a time like this. I didn't move. I felt like I couldn't. The only thing I did at the moment was press my nail into the scarred area to just feel pain, drawing blood to the surface of my skin simultaneously.

"Rose, I know you're hiding in here somewhere," He said. A horse neighed nearby. Thanks, Des, for giving me away. At this point, I could care less if he finds me. Fine. So be it. The door to the stall I was in opened and he ran to me, stopping abruptly, probably when he saw what I was doing. I didn't care to look up. I knew the look of surprise I would find.

He dropped to sit next to me. "Rose..." he whispered, trailing off. "What are you doing?" he asked softly. I kept on pressing my fingernail harder into my skin. I sighed and said, not answering his question, "You see? I told you I'm already messed up. Hell, I'm a fucking train wreck. This is what happens when life screws you over," I pointed to the scars, blood seeping out. "I never told anyone. Because nobody would have been stop it. But you want to know when I stopped?" I paused and his face was blank, he looked torn. "When I met you. You gave me a reason to stop. My life finally got better about a month ago. But until then, my life was a living hell. And here I go again, one more little thing sends me over the edge back into that pit of darkness that haunted me for so long." I laughed coldly, with no emotion. "I'm done with life as it is. I don't care about anything anymore." My subconscious was telling me, you love Niall though. I ignored it. My body and my soul felt cold, rigid, and vulnerable. 

Niall shakily reached over to me and pulled my hand away from my leg. "Please, stop doing this to yourself," he whispered, his voice weak. My heart crushed at the sound of him saying that. "I know you've been through a lot. Hell, more than I'll ever be. But... just please promise me you won't hurt y'self." I still sat there motionless. I didn't say anything, I just got up, covered the scarred area with my shorts again, and went back inside to get my bag. I heard Mami and Papi on the phone with someone, probably Mum. I have no idea how she must feel.

The entire ride back to the place where the buses were, I said nothing. Niall respected and knew me enough to not pry. Once the car parked I left and ran into the bus where the girls and I were, praying they wouldn't be in there. Which thankfully, they weren't. I laid down on my bunk, and stared at the ceiling. What am I even doing? Someone came in, so I quickly closed the curtain so they wouldn't see me. Whoever it was got closer and closer, and when the curtain was ripped open from the outside, I saw Niall's face. He looked broken - his eyes looked more grey than their usual bright blue, and his hair was all messy. I just stared at him in silence. Why was he like this? 

He opened his mouth to speak and said after a few seconds, "Rose, I know this is horrible for you, but please talk to me. You're going to have to interact with people sooner or later, and it's going to be very soon, when we have to go to the airport for America." I got out and stood next to him. He reached out to me, pulling me into a hug. 

I held on for a bit and only pulled away a few minutes later. We sat down in the back lounge - the same place we were a few days ago. When everything was fine. 

Since we had time, I told him everything. The story of my life, if I may call it that. It's a horrid story, really. Depressing too.  I told Niall about my childhood, high school, even Wesley. I went into the details of when my father disappeared. There were tears, yes, not many, but what I knew is that Niall is there for me. And he's proved that he cares. 

I want to stop hurting myself for him. As pathetic as it may sound, it's true. Niall told me about himself a little too. At least his face and happiness-level seemed better. He looked at his watch, "Shit, we have to get ready. Everyone's going to be back soon an' we need to pack to go to the airport." I asked him about the buses, but he told me that there were other ones for the American leg of the tour. I nodded and threw stuff into my suitcase. When I was finished, he asked, "Is that all you brought?" I shrugged and nodded, "Yeah. I don't care that much for a lot of clothes or anything." I took my pain killer because I felt my stomach twisting in pain already. 

Right after Niall left, Lou, Lottie, and Kelsey walked into the bus. Kelsey and Lottie tacked me in a hug and begged me to tell them about what happened. They were completely excited and asked things like, "Did you and Niall hook up?" "Are you dating now?" "Did you guys have a romantic dinner?" I shook my head and allowed the mood to lighten up a bit. 

I've mastered hiding my sadness for years, so what bad can this do?

So, uh, sorry if this chapter hit you in the feels. It seriously hurt to write it. 

Anyways. If any of you readers are going through a tough time, and you hurt yourself or consider doing it, please don't. I love you, the wattpad community loves you, and most of all, you are strong. I know life may seem pointless at times, but if you power through it, everything will be okay in the end. If you need to talk to someone, please feel free to message me privately. 

All the love as always,

Juliet