Even though I know no one here, I still feel self-conscious standing in the baby section, looking at the rows of books on the shelves. My mind is reeling at all there is to know. There are books about trying to get pregnant, what to do and not do once you are pregnant, what you need before the baby gets here and what to do once the baby has arrived. Not to mention books on health, diet, and exercise, the baby section just goes on and on and on.

Another pregnant woman comes up next to me, her baby bump already protruding slightly. "It's all a little overwhelming, isn't it?" she asks shyly.

"Very," I say, and she laughs.

"I know the feeling," she says, resting her hand on her belly, and then I laugh too.

"I guess so."

"So, how far along are you? If you don't mind me asking?"

"Very beginning," I tell her. I am not even sure I really am pregnant. What am I doing here again? I look back to the coffee shop that's part of the bookstore and see William waving at me and shake my head. Oh yeah, that's right.

"How about you?" I ask the woman who is scanning the shelf as intently as I was a moment ago.

"In my second trimester. I'm just starting to show. Still getting used to the whole idea."

I don't mean to, but I glance at her hand and notice she's not wearing a wedding ring. She smiles and lifts her hand. "Doesn't fit anymore with the weight I've gained. Hopefully, it will after the baby is born."

I discreetly hide my hand with the other. If she notices, she chooses not to say anything, and I am eternally grateful.

"There are times I think of buying one of those cheap cubic zirconia sets just so I don't have to explain, you know?"

I don't, but the thought has merit, at least when I am off campus. It may help me avoid more of those "awkward" situations... like I'm having right now.

"You get morning sickness?" I ask.

"Oh yeah! It was bad for the first three months. I couldn't keep a thing down. It worried me that I wasn't eating enough for the baby, but my OB said I was fine and that things were likely to settle down in the next trimester and well, she was right. Now I have to stop myself from eating everything in sight." The woman giggles, and I can see she's actually enjoying all this. "Any food cravings?" she asks.

I shake my head no.

"Oh, they'll come, and at the most annoying times, too. I have sent my husband out in the middle of the night for Mexican because I just have to have a taco and I hate spicy food." She laughs even harder this time. "Sometimes I swear I'm possessed."

I can't imagine any of this. "So," I ask, "for someone who's at the beginning, do you have any advice?"

She smiles. "Don't overthink it. It's impossible to plan out every detail. You'll quickly learn just how little of this process is in your control. Just help your body do what it's created to do. It may seem crazy, but the best advice I can give is to become totally self-absorbed. The more you do for yourself, like proper diet, exercise, and just mentally being good to yourself, the more your baby will thrive. Or at least that's my opinion," she says with a shrug.

"Sounds like excellent advice to me," I say.

She pulls a book off the shelf and hands it to me. "Start with this one. It gives you all the basic information you'll need to know and keep track of. Oh, and get a journal. You may not think of that right away, but it will be really useful to record your thoughts. Even if it's just to offload them when you're feeling overwhelmed... which is pretty much all the time."

I take the book and hold it against my chest like some precious tome. "Thank you."

"Sure, us preggers got to stick together, right?"

Before I can answer, William and Alex return with some drinks and some goodies. "Who's your new friend, Cat?" William asks, and I suddenly realize I never asked her name, but to be fair, she didn't ask for mine either.

I look at her apologetically and she offers, "Candice Wright," and she reaches out to shake William's hand. "You know I run a Prenatal Yoga class in the next shopping center over. Dads are welcome too."

I look over at William and can't help but giggle at his shocked look that someone would think he could be the father. He's currently dressed in Italian leather shoes that are pointier than a Santa's elf could wear, purple skintight jeans, belted with a black Gucci leather belt with a silver buckle, a sweater with a pattern that Bill Cosby would have envied. If that was not enough to scream I'm gay, he's layered it with a brown faux fur coat that reaches down to about mid-calf.

Alex reaches over and shuts William's mouth, saying, "How about uncles? Can uncles join in?"

Candice looks them both over and blushes, now realizing her obvious mistake. "Absolutely!" she says and pulls out a card and hands it to Alex. "Anytime. Just call the number for the studio or jump online and you'll be able to find out the schedule and register for a class. It would be great to see you there. Hope you'll come, Cat."

I take the card from Alex and see a cool logo and the words Mother Heart Studios.

"I'll definitely look into it," I say, placing the card in my purse.

She grabs the book she was staring at earlier and says goodbye to my little group.

"So you ready to get started?" I ask the boys. I already have my book, so they each quickly grab one of their own.

I link my arm with William and laugh, as he still seems a bit dazed. He puts a lot of effort into not being mistaken for a straight guy. Alex comes up behind him and whispers. "Who's the daddy, now?"

He looks grumpily at Alex. "Not funny."

I pinch my fingers slightly. "Just a little funny."

"You too!" William says and waves his hand to encompass his form. "Do I look like I could be some baby's daddy? I ask you? Seriously?"

"There are worse things to be mistaken for, you know."

"I mean no offense, Cat. If I ever decide I want a child in my life, I'll seriously consider you as a surrogate if you like, but I think adoption would be a far better option for me."

"Ya think?" Alex says, frowning at William.

This conversation has taken a really weird turn and for once I'm happy to bring it back to talking about the baby. "So, where do you think we should begin?"

"We can make this like a formal study group. Either each picking a topic to study and sharing our notes or each picking a chapter on the same subject and discussing what we've figured out," William offers.

"Well, we each picked a book so..." Alex holds up his book. 

"Independent study it is," I say, already spotting a good chair to settle down in. "See you in... 20 minutes?"

"Cat," Alex calls me over before I can disappear. He hands me a low-fat, decaf Chai latte and a granola bar. "You know, to keep the brain going."

I smile and breathe in the Chai. It definitely agrees with me. "Yummy. Thank you!"

"See you soon!" Alex says with a mock salute.

I settle in and crack open the book, reading about the early signs of pregnancy. I'd be shocked to hear on Monday that I'm not pregnant.

Missed period? Yep.

Tender swollen breasts? Got that.

Morning sickness with or out without vomiting? Both.

Fatigue? Constantly.

Food Aversions? Definitely.

Food Cravings? Not yet.

Headache, bloating, mood swings? Experiencing them all.

Faintness or dizziness? Thankfully, no.

Raised Basal Temperature? What's that? I'm looking it up when I see Alex leaning back in a chair and looking at me from down another aisle. Our eyes meet and he suddenly startles and flounders a moment before he can stabilize his chair without falling over backward.

I laugh and raise my eyebrow, wondering what prompted all that hilarity. He comes over, looking at me rather sheepishly. He pulls out another chair and sits next to me.

"Question?"

"Shoot," I say.

"How far along do you think you are?"

"This is the third time today I've been asked that question. I'm really not sure. Four... five weeks, maybe? Why?"

"I read it takes 5 weeks for the HCG levels to show up on a pregnancy test, so I figured that would be a good place to research. Do you know as early as 5 weeks the baby's heart is already developing?" He asks in awe.

"Really?" I say, pretty amazed myself.

"Yeah." He scoots over closer to show me his book. "It says here that the first system to be operational is the circulatory system, or blood — along with its companion organ, the heart, which you may even be able to see beating on an early ultrasound, though it's more commonly visible at week 6 or 7. When you're 5 weeks pregnant, your baby's heart is made up of two tiny channels called heart tubes and they're already hard at work."

"Isn't that amazing?!" he says, and I have to agree. My baby's heart is already beating. Suddenly this takes on a whole new level of seriousness. In that instant, the baby inside became real. My hand presses against my stomach.

"Cat? You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just..." I quickly make a grab for my book and look in the index. My finger scans until I see ectopic pregnancy and I flip to that page and quickly scan the contents, reading...

An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the main cavity of the uterus. Pregnancy begins with a fertilized egg. Normally, the fertilized egg attaches to the lining of the uterus.

I scan further and find—

SYMPTOMS

You may notice nothing at first. However, some women with an ectopic pregnancy have the usual early signs or symptoms of pregnancy — a missed period, breast tenderness and nausea.

If you take a pregnancy test, the result will be positive. Still, an ectopic pregnancy can't continue as normal.

Once again, I feel the onset of panic gripping my heart. My baby's heart may have already stopped beating and there's nothing I can do about it. I am not sure how I will feel about the results the doctor will give me, but suddenly I fear the worst.

"Hey," Alex tucks that stray hair behind my ear. "It's going to be okay."

I just shake my head no. "You don't understand. The doctor told me that there's a chance for the baby... that I... even though I tested positive that the baby may not be...," I couldn't bring myself to say it.

Alex picks up the book and reads what I was looking at. The understanding reads in his features when he looks at me and our eyes connect.

"I'm so scared right now. I thought it scared me before, but it fells nothing compared to this."

"Okay, let's get a little more informed before jumping to conclusions."

Alex continues reading the book and looks up and asks, "First sign of an ectopic pregnancy is pelvic pain. Do you have any pain?"

I shake my head no. "Good. Another symptom is light bleeding. Have you been bleeding at all?"

Again, I shake my head no.

He puts the book down and takes hold of my hands in his. "So, you know what we've learned from all this?"

I shake my head no for the third time.

"We learned it's a possibility, but you don't have any of the symptoms that make it definite. We also figured out one more thing, which is probably the most important thing we've learned today."

"What's that?" I say, still feeling terrified.

He smiles that smile I love and says confidently, "You REALLY want this baby."

A half laugh escapes my lips and I squeeze his hand when I admit, "I guess I do. I REALLY do. It just didn't seem real to me until you read that part about the heart, and I just... I can't bear the idea of it not beating."

"Oh, Cat!" Alex kneels in front of me and crushes me in his embrace and I just let him hold me, for at this moment his hug is the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

"Ahem!" We hear and Alex pulls away from me. I look up to find William looking down at us with a quizzical brow raised. "Someone care to explain what's going on here? Or should I just guess?"