As the hot water washes over me, Alex holds me close, and my tears flow freely. Despite all the various emotions clashing inside of me, I honestly just feel numb. I wish I could get back Alex's magical healing powers to make me feel better, no matter how bad the situation, but now he's become part of the problem.

I don't doubt that Alex loves me. Since he is currently sitting in a shower barefoot but otherwise fully clothed, holding me. He obviously loves me, but so does Liam, and so does my dad. I have these men in my life who love me, but don't get or don't understand how to love me.

Maybe I am the problem? Maybe I expect too much? I want someone who loves me for me. Not for what I can accomplish, not for what I can do for them, not because I fill some void in their lives, but because I am me and I deserve love.

I deserve love, damn it!

I reach up to shut off the water and Alex lets me go. I love them all. Repeatedly, given them whatever they may want, but I am not enough, my love just isn't enough. I stand up and step out of the shower. I don't wait for Alex, who has to contend with the fact that he's now sopping wet. I wrap a towel around myself and walk out of the bathroom.

By the time he joins me, I'm in my nightgown, curled up in bed with my bear and tiger. My eyes are closed. I hope and pray Alex will believe I have fallen asleep and just leave me be.

I hear him shuffle around for some clothes. I hear him over at his side of the bed, but he doesn't get in. Instead, he comes over to my side of the bed. He tucks my hair behind my ear and gently kisses my forehead. 

"I'm so sorry, Cat," he whispers, and then to my surprise, I catch the sound of the bedroom door opening and then closing.

I turn over and see he took his pillow. He's chosen to sleep on the sofa bed tonight. Part of me is relieved because I'm still mad at him for breaking my heart, but there is also a part of me that wants him here, already missing his warmth and his touch. I feel so alone.

Maybe that's my problem in a nutshell. I've never been alone. I lived with my parents until I moved here with Liam to attend college. Liam and I break up, and I move in with Alex. I never was alone, ever. I hug my animals a little tighter, thinking maybe it's time I tried.

I want to be ready for this baby. My focus needs to shift my health and the baby's needs to be my priority. I have to stop depending on others to take care of me. I'm a single mom, and it's time I decide on exactly what that means to me.

I get an hour or two of sleep, possibly before I'm woken up by a horrific scream. I leap out of bed and go running into the other room. Alex appears to be literally wrestling his demons this time. He's thrashing so much in bed, mumbling to himself, that I don't dare go near him for fear of getting caught in the fray.

"ALEX!" I yell, but it's not enough. He really isn't going like this, but I have no choice. I grab a glass, half-filling it with cold water. I rush back and splash him with it. He gasps, sitting up immediately in bed. He's panting hard, and once again the telltale tears are coursing down his face.

I put the cup down as I grab the dishtowel and hand it to him. "You were dreaming again."

He takes the towel and dries off. "Sorry I woke you. Why am I so... wet?"

"Sorry, you were thrashing about too much for me to get close enough to wake you. Splashing you with some water seemed safer."

He wipes off his face and chest. "Thank you," he replies.

"Thank you for throwing water in your face?" I ask, trying to add a little levity to the situation.

He tries to smile, but I can tell the images of what was going on in his dream are still replaying in his mind. They have a way of contorting his features into a man who looks both lost and in pain. It tears at my heart to see him this way.

"No, thanks for ending that nightmare."

"Then I guess you're welcome," I say.

He rubs a hand over his face. We are both exhausted, but thanks to me, his bed is now wet. I reach over and grab his pillow. "Come on," I command and walk back towards the bedroom.

"Cat I..." 

I turn back. Although I'm not entirely sure what my look expresses, he chooses not to argue and follows me into the bedroom. I change his pillowcase and place his pillow back on his side of the bed before climbing back into my side.

"Are you sure?" Alex questions me, pausing a moment beside the bed.

"Your bed is too wet for you to sleep in ... and I did promise," I add reluctantly.

Alex gets into bed, but he doesn't cuddle or hold me. I sigh, knowing it's not enough that he lays here with me. I don't want him suffering through another of those dreams, not to mention that should he thrash about again, he is liable to knock me out of bed, and I have sustained enough injuries for one night.

I bite my lip as I rollover. He's on his back, with his arm over his face, but I can still see the tears trickling out the side of his eye. My hesitation ends as I move closer. I can't stand to see him in pain. I lay my head on his chest and cuddle up next to him, draping an arm and leg over him.

Alex's breath comes out in a rush at my touch, and I pull him even closer to me. His breathing is ragged. He says nothing, probably to overcome by his emotions. He doesn't touch me, but lets me hold him. For me, this task is emotionally painful, but I don't care. I know it's what he needs.

I close my eyes, attempting to reclaim sleep, but my thoughts and emotions refuse to cooperate. I can't say how much time passes with me lying there holding him, but his breathing is finally peaceful, coming in and out in slow even breathes.

Good, he's finally asleep. I try to move back to my side of the bed, but his arm comes around me, locking me into place. "You asleep?" I whisper into the dark.

"No," Alex responds.

At least he's honest about that.

"Please don't go," he says, his voice pleading.

"Alex, I've been lying here, unable to sleep for hours. Every bone in my body aches. I just can't get comfortable, and now I'm hungry."

He lets go of me and sits up in bed when I do. "That's not what I meant."

I pause for a moment while sitting on the edge of the bed. His words cause my shoulders to slump. "I know."

I get up, grab my clothes, and walk into the bathroom to get dressed. Normally, I wouldn't care. I would just dress in front of him. I used to enjoy the way he'd look at my body. He always made me feel sexy and wanted. I swipe away a tear. As I brush my teeth, I spy the dress in the trash.

When I'm finished dressing, I reach down and grab the trash bin and I return to the bedroom. Alex isn't there. I pick up my heels and throw them in the trash on top of the dress. As I open the bedroom door, I see Alex making coffee. It smells heavenly. Too bad I can't do caffeine anymore, as it would a godsend at this moment.

I continue to ignore Alex as I grab a large trash bag from under the sink and walk over to his backpack. I pull out my coat, remove my keys and wallet from the pockets and throw the coat into the bag along with contents of the trash bin that contains the rest of my outfit.

Alex says nothing as he watches me moving about the apartment. Once I have everything together and return the bin to the bathroom, I leave the apartment, walking down the hall to the trash room. I shove the bag into one of the communal trashcans. Knowing it will burn in some incinerator somewhere gives me a brief flicker of happiness.

I come back and grab Alex's backpack again and walk into the bedroom with it. I dump the contents onto the bed, looking for my phone. The first thing I see is the wraps Alex uses for his wrists and ankles, along with his cut-off shorts he wore when dancing. I push them aside and find my phone. His bag reeks of vomit from my coat sitting in it all night, so I grab his clothes and some other items to wash and toss them with the bag into the laundry basket.

Alex has two cups of coffee, along with some scrambled eggs and bacon made by the time I come back out of the bedroom. "I have some food ready," he tells me.

"I'm just going to wash a few things," I reply, reaching for the door.

"It will be cold by the time you get back."

I sigh, knowing he's right. I'm just not ready to sit still or to have the conversation I am dreading, but I guess there's no point in putting off the inevitable. Placing the laundry basket down, I go sit at the counter where Alex has our meals set out.

I'm starving, yet I have no appetite for food. It's a strange contrast to be feeling, but I know the baby requires nutrition, so I try not to toy with my food too much.

"Would you like some toast?" Alex asks, as if we are simply sharing a meal on any normal random morning. Is he seriously going to ignore that it is the day after my birthday, the morning after I have discovered he's a stripper and assaulted that night?

"No... thank you," I say, and take a long sip of my coffee.

"Cat, there's a reason I work at the strip club."

Okay, he's just going to jump right into it.

"Alex, I can't really say that I care," I reply sharply, feeling my anger surfacing again.

"Please allow me to explain."

"Explain?" I snap. "So you're going to tell me you have a good reason to allow other women to ogle you, touch you, fantasize about you sexually? Or are you going to give me a reason to believe you when you say you love me but are perfectly okay with allowing all that to happen daily?"

"I don't let them touch me."

I cast him a look of disinterest mingled with disbelief. "Despite my demeanor, Alex, last night wasn't my first time in a male strip club and although I don't take part in what goes on at those clubs, I have seen it with my own two eyes. So I don't know if you think I'm that stupid or that naïve, but I assure you I'm neither."

He pushes his plate aside and turns his chair to look at me. "I work at the club as a pole dancer. Period. I don't strip and I don't offer private dances." Alex states.

"Good for you. Nice to know you have some standards, but I still cannot see how that makes this is all okay?"

He sighs. Alex looks both physically and mentally exhausted, and I'm sure I look the same.

"Can you dial down the sarcasm just a tad?" he asks in frustration, and I'm surprised to see he actually looks angry with me.

"You're seriously trying to turn the tables on me?" I get up from the counter and walk away from him.

I'm not doing this. Every argument with my father or with Liam has gone the same way. I'm hurt with damn good reason, but suddenly they're offended. So my feelings go right out the window, as I'm forced to defend my actions and myself. They always dodge dealing with the situation at hand, which should be to address my feelings. I'm not having it, not this time.

Alex stands up. "Where are you going?!"

"You played the wrong card, Alex. I know this reversal game inside out and backward. I refuse to play." I walk into the bedroom and pull out my travel suitcase.

"So, you'll just leave? Without giving me a chance to explain myself? You can walk away from us that easily?"

"Life isn't about me anymore!" I exclaim. "Do you understand that? I no longer have the luxury of waiting around to 'see' what happens. I will not subject my child to someone else's whims and fancies. I have failed to protect myself on several occasions, but I will not fail my son or daughter."

Alex responds, as if I just slapped him in the face. He even flinches. "You see me as a threat? To you, to your child?"

"You are a threat, to my heart and my mind. I love you, Alex, and I want to trust you, but the very thought of you and what you can do to me terrifies me. I can't go down that road again. Someone else that depends on me now. Self-preservation is a must."

"What are you talking about?" Alex asks, clearly exasperated.

"If I stay, what happens then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Let's say you somehow convince me to stay. Are you going to quit the club? Even if you do, how do I trust you? You were perfectly okay with knowing how I feel about you and continuing to work there. Where does that leave me, or us? I love you, Alex. I want a future with you, but I just don't see how that's possible, not anymore."

While I finish packing, he's just staring at me, which I find very unnerving. I'm used to being yelled at and beaten over the head with whatever point Liam or my dad has to prove, but Alex doesn't do any of that.

I shut my case. "Say something, damn it!"

"You've already deemed I have nothing worthy to say," Alex replies. His words sting. How many times have I felt the same way because of other people? Too many. I want to fix this, but I just can't see how.

His phone rings, and he frowns as he looks at the screen. "Hello? Yes, this is Alex Bragin. Yes, I know where she is. I'll let her know, thank you."

Alex hangs up the phone and gives me a strange look. "That was the police. They believe they caught the guys that assaulted you last night. They can't hold them unless you press charges."

My legs give way, and I sit on the bed. I had hoped never to see them again.

"What do you want to do?" Alex asks.