Chapter 31

This Love

Rigo held his breath until he was able to reach the hospital that Fatima went to with Clementine. Hindi niya sinagot ang text nito kanina dahil alam niyang pipigilan siya nitong pumunta, and he knew that she wasn’t asking for him to come. Sinunod lang nito ang gusto niya na i-text o tawagan siya ‘pag may nangyari.

The decision to leave was his alone.

His gaze travelled around the emergency room at nakita niya itong nakaupo kasama si Clemie. She was strapped in her chest in a carrier and was asleep. Mapupula ang pisngi nito, more than her usual color, which told Rigo that she still has fever.

“Fatima,” he called for her attention and quickened his steps towards her.

She turned to him, eyes wide and questioning. “Anong—Rigo, anong ginagawa mo rito?” Her voice shook with every word, as if she was holding on to a very thin thread, and perhaps she was.

“How’s Clemie?” tanong niya nang bumaba ang tingin sa bata.

Fatima’s mouth opened, but no word came out, and just as he was about to explain, tinawag na ang pangalan nito. “Miss Riarte? Let’s go.”

Agad ito tumayo at lumapit sa nurse, leaving him behind without another word. Clemie’s cry rang around the room, and as soon as she was placed down on the bed and was surrounded by even more people, mas lalong lumakas ang iyak nito.

Rigo stood just outside the half-drawn curtains and watched as multiple doctors started to surround Fatima and Clementine, but mostly, Clementine. She was poked and prodded and Rigo couldn’t do anything but stand there. Nadudurog ang puso niya sa iyak nito dahil alam niyang may dinaramdam ito.

“We’ll keep her fever down and run some tests, ma’am,” one doctor said and smiled a little. “‘Wag po kayo masyadong mag-alala. Babalikan namin kayo so we can confirm what’s causing her fever.”

“Premature po siya,” Fatima swallowed hard, her eyes fleeting from one person to the other around the room. “Baka ‘yon po ang dahilan?”

The doctor didn’t nod, but her lips thinned. “Could be. But we have to run tests to be sure.” She gave both of them a nod before she left.

Fatima stepped out and turned to him, her eyes painted with a storm he knew were all for him. “Ano bang ginagawa mo rito, Rigo? You’re supposed to be there!” She pointed at the double doors of the emergency room. “Dapat nasa exam center ka!” Her breath came out in harsh puffs in an effort to control her emotions. Her eyelids were red, probably from crying, and yet she stood there, furious and upset because of what he did, and like she always did, she never gives up on giving him a piece of her mind when she knows he’s wrong.

“Fatima, I couldn’t—hindi ko kayang mag-exam na alam ko—na alam kong hindi okay si Clemie, na hindi ka okay.” He licked his lips and ran a hand over his face. He didn’t know what more to say; what more could make this right. “I know—alam kong mali.”

“Then why?” she asked and lifted her gaze to meet his. The hurt in her expression made his heart crumple like a used paper. “Bakit nandito ka and not—not out there like you’re supposed to?” Her voice breaks along with Rigo’s heart, at nang marahas na pinunasan nito ang luhang kumawala sa mga mata nito ay gusto na lang ni Rigo na lumapit sa kanya para siya ang magpunas. He never wanted to be her reason for crying, and yet here he was.

Her breathing stuttered. “Rigo, this is your life. Bakit mo ba sinasayang para sa ibang tao?”

Even if I love the person? He wanted to ask her, but the question sat at the bottom of his heart, and he fought to keep it there. “I just—I can’t sit there na alam kong may problema. Dahil alam ko na wala ro’n ang atensyon ko. I will just fail.” Everything that came out of his mouth felt like an excuse to a situation that he had every power to change and didn’t.

Kasi mahal ko siya. Mahal ko siya. Mahal ko siya. Those words echoed in his mind like a broken record, like a hollow room inside his mind that only kept her name. But it seemed that no matter what he did, he was only hurting Fatima and making it difficult for her.

Nang tawagin si Fatima ng doktor ay agad ito lumapit sa anak na nakahiga na at tulog na. An IV was already hooked on her little hand. Rigo blinked back his tears and pulled his lower lip between his teeth. She looked sick and frail and he knew that for once in his life, he did right by her. Being here, ready to help with whatever he can for her, his decision wasn’t for nothing.

“Fatima—” he started as soon as he saw that she was done talking to the doctor. Pero mariin itong pumikit bago lumakad palayo sa kanya. The words he carefully picked in his head were now lodged in his throat, with no way out.

“Umuwi ka na, Rigo,” she said, her back still facing him. “I can manage.” His heart drops at how the simplicity of the words felt like a knife running clean through his chest, and no matter how much he justifies his decision, he was bound to always disappoint her.

He gently pulled aside the curtain that was covering Clemie’s bed and took a step towards her. Mahimbing na ang tulog nito and a nurse was beside her, checking if she was okay. She looked extra small lying above the big hospital bed, and Rigo smiled when her nose wiggled as he steps forward. He bent down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Pagaling ka diday ko.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Sana sa susunod na makita kita, masigla ka na ulit.”

At napatawad na ako ni Fatima, he silently wished for.

☂

Fatima leaned her head down beside Clemie’s sleeping figure to try and get some sleep dahil kagabi pa siya walang tulog and she would really appreciate a few minutes of sleep. But her mind couldn’t erase the look on Rigo’s face when he arrived. . . and when he left her. No, the better term was, when she asked him to leave.

His eyes held recognition of his mistakes and a silent emotion that seeped through. Was it love? She didn’t want to think about it right now. Pinaalis niya ito at kailangan niyang panindigan ang desisyon niya kahit gaano niya pa ito kagustong makasama. Her soul bled at the thought of never being able to be with him again—that this, this might have just broke them.

She squeezed her eyes shut and reached a hand towards her little darling. She was feeling a little better and was able to feed on her an hour earlier. Gutom na ito and that was usually a good sign that at least her appetite was back. When the results came out, the doctors didn’t find anything that warranted concern, and it was just a normal flu that she probably caught over Jacob’s house.

“Do you feel better now, my little darling?” she softly asked Clementine and as if she heard her even in her sleep, her lips curved in a smile. “Namiss ko naman ‘yang ngiti na ‘yan.” Saglit lang ang nakalipas ay agad na bumukas ang mata nito, as if she was just pretending to be asleep, so Fatima moved her head closer to her and kissed the tip of her tiny nose.

After an hour, Mila called her, frantic to know about Clemie’s health. Sinabi nito na pinapunta niya si Abe para magdala ng prutas even though Fatima told her that they probably won’t be staying overnight at makakalabas din ang anak niya. But no, she insisted and told her na kapag hindi niya tinanggap ang tulong ay siya mismo ang uuwi para pagalitan siya.

True to her words, Abe arrived not long after at sinalubong siya sa labas ng emergency room. Clemie was already on her stroller dahil bumuti na ang pakiramdam nito, but her pedia still wanted to see her before she leaves.

“How’s Clemie?” Abe asked and fell into step with her. Kinuha nito ang baby bag na dala niya. “Okay na siya?” He was still wearing his black-rimmed glasses and his big backpack still sat on his back, so Fatima assumed he just got out of class.

Fatima nodded, her eyes fleeting from Clemie to Abe. “Yeah, pero pupunta muna kami sa pedia niya for her medicine.”

“Hintayin ko na kayo,” he tightened his hold on her bag. “Then, I’ll take you home. And no, hindi ako pinilit ni Mila. Dadaan talaga ako bago pa siya tumawag.”

Fatima leaned in a little closer and bumped her elbow against his. “So. . . you and Mila? Anong mayro’n sa inyo ng best friend ko?” She heard him click his tongue and stepped away from her. “Akala mo ba hindi ko napapansin na ikaw lagi niyang kausap? Tumawag si Abe. Papapuntahin ko si Abe. Nagpabili ako kay Abe,” she mimicked Mila’s voice to tease him.

“There’s nothing going on,” he answered, but turned his head away from her.

“Why?”

Abe let out a sigh and glanced at her. “Things are. . . complicated. Alam mo naman ‘yong nangyari. And besides, she doesn’t even know.”

Kumunot ang noo ni Fatima at sandaling huminto ng lakad. “Dahil kay Jachin? Nag-aalanganin ka dahil sa kanya?”

“Not specifically,” he pulled the stroller to the side and briefly looked at Clementine who was still sleeping soundly inside. All she did these days was to eat, poop, cry, and sleep. “Pero isa ‘yon sa mga iniisip ko. I don’t want—I don’t want to make a mistake.”

“Pwede mo namang kausapin si Jachin. Napaka-unserious ng taong ‘yon para magalit siya sa ‘yo dahil gusto mo si Mila na ex-girlfriend niya. Question mark.”

“I know. But I’m not sure how to do it yet.”

Fatima could understand. She understood the hesitation and fear that she heard in Abe’s voice like an unspoken prayer. She, too, was scared of what this might spell out for her and Rigo. Hindi niya alam kung paano sisimulan na kausapin ito, at hindi niya rin alam kung anong sasabihin niya. And underneath all that, would he come around enough for her to talk to him?

“Did you know?” she asked her friend as they continued down the hallway.

He glanced at her briefly. “Know what?”

“Na umalis si Rigo sa exam center niya?” she swallowed the lump in her throat. He left for her. He left for Clemie. “Hindi siya sumipot sa second day ng exam niya and I don’t—I don’t know what to do, or—or how I would feel.”

Abe’s eyes widened in disbelief. “But why? Akala ko pinaghahandaan na niya ‘yon? Both him and Jachin.”

“Kasi nag-aalala siya para kay Clemie. Nag-aalala siya para sa ‘kin.”

“Well, that sounds like him,” Abe pressed his lips in a tight line. “Always cared about you more than anyone. Impulsive. But always because of you.”

☂

Rigo didn’t go home that night. And the following night. Iniwan naman nito ang gamit, pero alam ni Fatima na nagdala ito ng damit. She didn’t know where he was staying, but it wasn’t in their apartment; it wasn’t in their home.

She didn't know whether she was happy that she wasn’t going to face him yet or sad because everything felt so. . . empty. Maayos na nakasalansan ang mga libro at highlighters nito sa lamesa, walang kalat sa kusina kapag nagluluto ito ng paborito niyang lasagna, and most importantly, she didn’t come home to his warmth.

Without him, their home feels empty—hollow. And yes, it is their home and one they both made.

Clemie fussed on the bed as she was changing her diaper. She didn’t look happy to be back and Fatima wanted to laugh because it seemed that she wasn't the only one missing Rigo. Kanina pa ito hindi ngumingiti kahit anong kiliti niya, and then when she tried to carry her, sumimangot ito.

“You miss him too?” she asked her daughter softly. “Kahit na ginigising ka niya para gigilan?”

As if she understood what she was saying, she made a sound and opened her arms wide. “Yeah, you do.” Fatima finished wiping her and changed her diaper before lying down next to her, her body facing Clementine.

“Ano bang gagawin ko, anak?” She reached for Clemie’s cheek and ran her index finger against her soft skin. “I love him. He loves me. Pero bakit parang tutol pa rin ang lahat sa amin?” She said to no one in particular, to the void between her and Rigo. When will their someday come? Tomorrow? The next day? Months after this? Because it feels like it never would. And it was so unfair when they were both trying.

Fatima let her daughter grab her fingers and squeeze it. Nanggigigil nitong kinakagat ang daliri niya and she had to laugh a little at her antics. Wala nang bakas ng sakit sa anak niya and she was glad to see back to being herself again. She could finally take that much-needed breath now that they were out of the woods.

She laid flat on her back on top of their bed while holding Clemie’s hand and stared at the white ceiling above her. Her heart mourned for how she took his decision—na agad siyang nagalit dito nang hindi pinakikinggan ang paliwanag nito. Because Rigo was risking everything.

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it was her who wasn’t trying enough.

#smdysnwp