Chapter 29

Second Chance

Nagising si Fatima sa malakas na iyak ng anak. Agad siyang napabalikwas at tinignan ito sa crib sa gilid ng kama niya. She fell asleep around 3 hours ago and forgot to set an alarm for her next feeding, kaya ngayon ay gutom na ito.

She turned to glance at the bed and didn’t find Rigo beside her kahit na magkatabi silang nakatulog kagabi. . . or at least she did. Hahanapin niya sana ito nang dahan-dahang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto at sumilip ito. His hair was a mess and a pen sat on the back of his ear, telling her that he was probably up studying again.

“Okay lang kayo?” he asked when he saw her. Bumaba ang tingin nito sa kuna ni Clemie.

Fatima wanted to tell him that no, she wasn’t okay. That she could barely function with the sleep deprivation that she was going through. Nahihilo niyang kinarga ang anak bago muling umupo sa kama. “I’m okay. Nakalimutan ko lang gumising ulit kaya nagugutom na siya.” She wiped the tears that formed on Clemie’s cheeks sa sobrang pag-iyak nito at marahang hinalikan ito sa noo. “Sorry, my little darling.”

She immediately latched on her as soon as she was in her arms and Fatima smiled a little nang napapapikit na rin ito sa antok kahit kumakain pa.

Clemie was already gaining weight through her breastfeeding and nothing could’ve made her happy than that. Alam niyang kahit pagod at puyat siya, may kinalalabasan naman. Her baby girl was growing strong and healthy!

“Ako na magpapatulog ulit,” Rigo whispered and pointed at the sleepy Clemie in her arms. Fatima smiled a little, her brain still fuzzy with sleep, but then it quickly faded as she realized what he was doing.

“Nag-aaral ka ‘di ba? And why are you still up?” She paused and glanced at the clock on the wall near the bed. “It’s 3 am.”

“Magaling ako mag-multitask,” kumindat ito at dahan dahang yumuko para kuhanin ang anak niyang nakapikit na, her lips still moving, but she was barely conscious. “Bumalik ka na sa tulog. Kami muna ni diday.” Kinarga nito si Clemie sa bisig niya at pinatakan muna ng halik sa noo bago lumakad palayo.

Fatima drifted in and out of sleep, pero tuwing bumubukas ang mga mata niya ay nakikita niya si Rigo na hinehele ang anak niya. Sometimes, she’d open her eyes to him holding her in one arm while his other free hand held a notebook as he read. Nakakunot ang noo nito pero agad na nawawala kapag umuungot o gumagalaw si Clemie.

It’s like he’s wearing two hats at the same time: the one the world needs, and the one she and her daughter needs.

☂

Nang magising siya kinabukasan ay nakaalis na si Rigo. She hunched over Clemie’s crib and found her still sleeping, her chubby cheeks begged to be kissed, pero ayaw niyang masira ang tulog nito kaya hinayaan muna niya.

Iniwan niya nakatutok ang baby monitor habang nag-ayos muna ng bahay, and she was about to close the washing machine when she heard a knock on the door.

Fatima twisted the door open and came face to face with a smiling Jacob. Prenteng nakasandal ito sa hamba ng pinto at nang makita siya ay agad siyang sinalubong ng yakap. Sandaling napatigil si Fatima nang maramdaman ang init ng katawan nito. She was no longer used to his warmth.

“Hey,” he breathed out near her ear. “Good morning. Kumain ka na? May dala akong breakfast.” Jacob lifted his hand that was holding a paper bag from a known fast food chain.

Fatima opened the door wider to let him in. “Mag-aalmusal pa lang. Ngayon pa lang ako nagising kasi kaninang 6 kailangan kong pakainin si Clemie.”

“Eat this then. Favorite nuggets mo.” He smiled at her again, and a year ago, she might have appreciated the effort more. But now, it didn’t have the same effect on her.

Just as Fatima was about to get a plate, narinig niya ang iyak ng anak sa kwarto kaya agad siyang napatakbo, with Jacob hot on her tail.

Akmang yuyuko siya para abutin ito mula sa kuna nang mauna si Jacob. “Ako na. Kumain ka na muna.”

“Kailangan niyang kumain din, hindi ‘yan titigil sa pag-iyak ‘pag hindi ko kinuha.”

Umiling si Jacob. “Let her cry a little. Maganda ‘yan para sa kanya. Masasanay lang na laging binibigay ang gusto if you jump immediately to help her.”

Was he seriously lecturing her about how to raise her baby?

Fatima felt her face heat from frustration and oversensitivity from Clemie’s loud cries. “Just give her to me.” Hindi na niya hinintay itong sumagot at agad na kinuha ang anak mula sa bisig nito.

She turned around and immediately opened her pajama blouse to feed her little darling. Nang tumigil ito sa pag-iyak ay doon lang nakahinga nang maluwag si Fatima. Her back hunched from the effort as her daughter latched on her, at habang kumakain ito ay hawak niya ang maliit na kamay.

“Sorry,” she heard Jacob apologized after a beat of silence, with only Clemie’s soft feeding sound between them.

Fatima only nodded in response. She didn’t think he’d want to hear what she had to say.

“How is she? How are you?” tanong nito makalipas ang ilang minuto. Fatima sat on the bed after feeding her at nakangiting hinahayaan maglaro ang anak niya habang karga karga niya. Clemie was fascinated with her hand as she tickled her tummy softly.

At the question, Fatima felt her brain closed off. She had no immediate answer to his question, partly because she couldn’t recount the things that happened in the last month, but mostly because it was Jacob who was asking.

“Why do you care?” The words were out of Fatima’s lips before she could even think twice, and as if her heart wanted to say more, she followed it with a question that she had been wanting to ask him. “Bakit ngayon lang?”

Her soul that had been scarred by his decision to leave was begging to be answered.

“Bakit hindi no’ng sinabi ko sa ‘yo? Bakit hindi no’ng buntis ako? Bakit hindi no’ng sobrang natakot ako dahil baka nakunan ako?” sunod sunod niyang sumbat. Her heart held a vise-grip on her grief that everything that came out of her mouth was pure hurt.

Sandaling bumaba ang tingin ni Jacob sa kamay nito bago humingang malalim. When he met her eyes, it was full of wounded regret.  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

But that was the thing. He never made the effort to figure it out. He never made the effort to try and overcome his fear to be there for her, while she had to rearrange her whole life, her whole being to emerge as someone her daughter can depend on once she was here.

Fatima ran her finger on Clemie’s cheek while her daughter was drifting to sleep, her eyes fluttering close. “Hindi na mababago ng sorry mo ‘yong pag-iwan mo sa ‘min.”

She stood up from the bed and placed Clemie back on her crib, and thankfully, she didn’t fuss and immediately closed her eyes. Hinagod ni Fatima ang noo nito at tahimik na nagpasalamat sa anak. She silently thanked her little darling for holding on and staying with her.

Fatima then turned around to face Jacob, who was now standing with her. “Kung ano man ang kailangan mo sa ‘kin, hindi mo makukuha ‘yon.”

Like he expected her answer, Jacob ran a hand on his face, frustrated. “I don’t need anything, Fatima. I just want a second chance.”

“Para sa’n? Para iwan mo ulit ako?”

“I’ve already said sorry for that. What more do you need?” Jacob exasperatedly threw his hands up. “Nandito na ako, Fatima, but you’re being unfair. You’re being unfair by not giving me a chance to be a father to Clementine.”

Nalukot ang mukha ni Fatima sa galit. But she pressed hard on her anger, putting a lid on it. “Bakit? Tinanong mo ba kung deserve mo?”

“Then why are you giving him a chance? Pareho lang naman kaming sinaktan ka. Whether or not we were in a relationship, we both fucked up. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Jacob didn’t need to say his name, but as he threw those accusations to her face, Fatima’s solid decision broke in shards of pure confusion.

Rigo had hurt her the first time she admitted her feelings. Rigo had hurt her the longer he kept her tethered towards him without ever committing to her. Rigo had hurt her by not honoring her own decision.

“I can help, Fatima. You know that. Tutulungan kita palakahin ang anak natin. And despite what you may think about me, I’m willing to try now.” Jacob reached for her hand, the second time he did in the last couple of weeks, and gripped it tightly, as if promising her of a better life with him, of a stronger man than the one who left her.

And she was scared.

She was scared of her heart’s decision.

#smdysnwp