Chapter 20

Fear of Losing

Fatima nuzzled closer to Rigo as they both laid on the soft and velvety couch on the first floor of the rest house. Everyone was already upstairs and retired for the night dahil nagkakapikunan na sa table games na ginagawa nila, and it was mostly Jachin being annoyed that Abe and Mila kept winning against him and Evie.

Naramdaman ni Fatima ang paghaplos ni Rigo sa buhok niyang nakatabing sa gilid ng mukha niya. She was lying on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and steady breathing while also being hyperaware of the fact that this hasn’t happened in a long while. Hindi na sila humihiga sa iisang kama. Hindi na niya hinihintay na makatulog si Rigo para bigyan ito ng halik sa pisngi. Hindi na niya inaabangan bumukas ang mga mata nito sa umaga para batiin ng good morning.

“Inaantok ka na?” Rigo asked softly. Naramdaman ni Fatima ang paggalaw nito para tignan ang mukha niya.

He was about to lift her head to remove his arm underneath her, probably so she could sleep better, but she tightened her arm around his abdomen, pressing herself a little more on his side. Bahagya itong natawa at hinila siya palapit pa lalo hanggang sa maramdaman niya ulit ang init ng katawan nito.

“Hindi ako makatulog,” Fatima murmured after a while. “Iniisip ko pa rin ‘yong kanina.”

“Kanina?”

“Iyong. . . ‘yong ano.” She pressed her head on his chest, suddenly shy. Pakiramdam niya lahat ng dugo niya ay napunta na sa pisngi niya. Hindi maalis sa isipan niya kung anong nangyari kanina, and they even did it despite knowing their friends were just inside the house.

“Ano?” Rigo laughed and rose a little from his lying position to kiss her hair. “Hindi ka naman nahihiya sa ganyan dati ah?”

Fatima smacked his chest. “Fine! Iyong paghahalikan natin sa labas kanina. Kung saan saan pumupunta kamay mo!”

Rigo broke into a fit of laughter, his sides shaking in delight. He wrapped his other arm around Fatima, fully embracing her body, before he sighed. “Sorry, nakakamiss, e.”

“You love kissing me?”

Tumango ito. “Pero sorry din kasi baka naipit ko si budiday. Was I rough?” And then he gently moved his hand towards her belly before pausing just an inch from touching her skin. “Can I touch?”

Fatima felt her breath catch at the question. She didn’t think she’d ever get used to it, but eventually, she reached for his hand that was still hanging in the air, and guided it towards the part of her belly where her baby girl was mostly leaning on. She could already feel her body moving inside her and oftentimes, she’d feel her strong kick too. Gusto na yatang lumabas.

“Iwan mo lang kamay mo, mamaya mararamdaman mo na siya.”

Rigo kept his hand on her belly, giving it a gentle stroke, and waited until he could feel strong kicks. Napasinghap si Rigo at mas lalo hinawakan ang tiyan niya, and Fatima felt comfortable enough to let him. Madalas kasi ay ayaw niyang titigan nang matagal ang tiyan niya dahil mas lalong lumaki na ito, and the changes in her body felt more obvious now than ever. She was heavy, her skin was often irritated, and her belly often gets in the way of moving and bending down to put her shoes.

She felt mostly indifferent to the image that would appear in front of the mirror.

Bumangon si Rigo para abutin ang cellphone niyang nasa center table ng sala bago binuksan ang flashlight at itinapat sa tiyan niya, and Fatima couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of her, hearty and genuine. “Ano ba, Rigo! Baka masilaw naman anak ko sa ginagawa mo.”

“Tinitignan ko lang kung gumagalaw nga. To see is to believe!” He smiled and continued to poke her belly until her baby moved. She kicked so hard that Fatima wasn’t able to stop herself from laughing.

“See! Galit na siya,” she pointed at her belly where her baby was moving, her tiny body stretching her skin out. “Inistorbo mo tulog niya kaya ayan.”

The corners of Rigo’s eyes crinkled with amusement. “Mukhang kaugali mo na kahit ‘di pa man din lumalabas. Galit agad.”

Fatima didn’t have the energy to argue, and besides, it was true anyway. “So what?” She folded her hands and rested her head as she laid on her side. “Anak ko ‘yan kaya sa ‘kin magmamana ‘yan.”

“Tama. Mas gusto ko nang magmana siya sa ‘yo,” Rigo agreed and leaned on the couch with one elbow propped up to support his weight. “Maganda.” He stopped and glanced at her for a few seconds longer than necessary. “Iyon lang pala sasabihin ko.”

Fatima narrowed her eyes at him. “Maganda lang?”

His mouth twitched, itching to kiss her again for saying that. Talagang hindi ito nagpapatalo. “Alangan naman sabihin ko mapasensya? O kaya mahinhin? ‘Di naman ikaw ‘yon.”

Fatima gave him a dry look, not finding it quite funny. Minsan kung mang-asar ito ay wala talaga sa hulog. Although, it wasn’t really far from the truth. “Bahala ka na nga riyan. Matutulog na ako.” Tinalikuran na niya ito pero marahan nitong hinila ang bewang niya para yakapin siya. His chest felt warm on her back, and his breathing tickled her ear in the most intimate way that had her clenching the sheets beneath her fingers.

Then, Rigo’s hand crawled to her chin to tilt her face sidewards bago sinalubong ng mga labi nito ang kanya. She craned her neck as far back as she could and reached for Rigo’s face with her free hand. Diniin niya ang sarili sa labi at katawan nito, angling her ass against his lower body so that she could feel him, and Rigo immediately let out a satisfying groan that reverbreated through her entire body and made her toes curl.

He placed a hand on her hip and pulled their lower bodies together before pressing harder. Fatima moans involuntarily so Rigo’s hand flies to her mouth to cover it. “Shh. Wala tayong kwarto.”

They both laughed at their realization. They had to stop because they were in the living room area and anyone could come down and see them.

Fatima turned to face him and placed her hand on his jaw, before pressing her mouth to his one last time. Pinatakan niya ito ng ilang halik. “Okay. Goodnight.”

☂

When Fatima opened her eyes the next morning, she was alone on the couch, a thin blanket laid over her. May unan din sa tabi niya kung saan nakahiga si Rigo kagabi. The dining area was buzzing with conversation kaya bumangon na rin si Fatima dahil maingay na sila.

“Alam mo bang sobrang mahal nito sa Pilipinas?” Fatima overheard Jachin as he helped Mila unpack a smaller balikbayan box. Puno ito ng pasalubong sa kanila at sa ibang kaibigan nito. There were chocolates, gummies, wafers, and then clothes, shoes, and bags.

“Here!” Mila extended her hands to Fatima, pushing a huge dustbag to her. “This is for you. I know you don’t need it pero gamitin mo na.”

Binuksan ni Fatima ang dustbag at marahang hinila ang bag na nasa loob. It was a luxury bag, but less like those small ones she often sees online. It was spacious inside and surprisingly looked durable. “This is too–”

“Ah, ah! Don’t say it’s too much.”

“Sasabihin ko sana masyadong malaki para sa ‘kin.”

Mila shrugs. “Para rin magamit mo ‘pag nandyan na si baby. I’m sure kailangan mo lagi ng malaking bag ‘pag lalabas kayo.”

That’s fair, Fatima thought. Tama naman na kailangan na niya ng malalaking bag dahil for sure ay laging may laman itong gatas, diapers, at pamalit. She dreaded the packing she’d have to make everytime they needed to go out.

Nang matapos magbigay si Mila nang pasalubong ay nagsimula na silang magbihis para lumabas at magswimming. Abe said that they can do a bit of water activities if they were willing dahil may alam itong diving group sa area. Fatima wasn’t going to join anyway, so she let the boys do the planning.

Malambing na nag-uusap sina Jachin and Evie sa sala habang sila naman ni Mila ay naiwan sa kusina. Rigo and Abe went out to ask for the water activities kaya sila lang munang apat ang naiwan sa bahay.

Fatima’s eyes flew from Jachin and Evie to Mila, who seemed to distract herself by putting all the bubble wrap and plastic inside the box. Tahimik din itong naglilinis ng kusina, completely ignoring her presence.

So Fatima pulled her chair closer to where she was, drawing Mila’s eyes. Kumunot ang noo nito nang lumapit siya. “Why?”

Discreetly, Fatima nods towards the two. “Okay ka lang makita sila?”

Mila gave her a dry laugh, confirming what she already knows because Mila is pretty easy to read for her. Whether that’s because she’s her best friend or that’s just who she is, Fatima didn’t care. She knows when she’s hurting, and this is one of those times. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Kanina mo pa nilalagay pabalik-balik ‘yang mga plastic. Pwede mo namang gawin basurahan na lang.” Fatima pointed at her box. Agad nitong isinara ang box nang mapansin niya.

Contrary to what her friends believed, someone in their friend group knew what happened, and it happens to be her. When it all fell apart, Jachin had Evie and Rigo, but Mila only had her. Siya ang kasama nito nang biglaang mag-ayang uminom nung Pasko, at kahit ayaw niyang tumatambay sa mga gano’ng lugar ay sinamahan niya ito dahil wala naman itong gustong lapitan na iba.

So Mila told her everything, from what made her do that, down to where it all went wrong. . . or right. And at first, Fatima was angry. She herself didn’t want to be in a situation where she’d be questioning someone’s love, and it pained her to think that Jachin was hoping all along. But after seeing Mila cry and try to stitch what was left of her heart, along with the guilt eating her alive, she understood that Mila’s decisions were born out of fear of losing someone she thought was hers. It was unfair, yes. But she, of all people, knew what that felt.

Mila took a step closer to her and lifted herself up to sit on the kitchen island. “I’m okay. Promise. And even if I wasn’t, don’t worry about me. Mas alalahanin mo ‘yang si pukangking sa tiyan mo.”

“Pukangking?”

“It’s my pet name for her, okay!”

Napailing na lang si Fatima sa narinig niyang palayaw ng anak niya. She wasn’t even born yet and her friends already gave her weird, but very adorable nicknames. Rigo often calls her budiday, and now Mila calls her pukangking. No doubt, Jachin, Evie, and Abe will also come up with some unique endearments.

“But. . . ikaw?” Mila asked. “How are you and Rigo?”

“Wha–”

“And ‘wag ka nang magpalusot kasi ako ang unang nagising kanina. Jet lag, remember? And I saw you two na magkayakap diyan sa sofa. You didn’t even go up sa room natin kagabi kaya napansin ko.” Pinanlakihan siyang mata nito ng akmang bumukas ang bibig niya para magdahilan.

Okay, maybe they didn’t think far ahead that someone might wake up first and see them. Masyado silang nakampante na mas mauuna silang magising, forgetting that somebody in the house was still operating in her internal body clock.

“Well—”

Mila narrowed her eyes at her and raised one brow. “Don’t even try to lie, Fatima.”

Fatima pushed a heavy sigh off of her chest and tucked her hair behind her ear. “We kissed. Ayun lang, I promise.” They probably did a little more than that, but Mila didn’t need to know. Even Fatima felt her cheeks warm now that she was reminded of what they did last night.

“So. . . you’re back together? Kayo na?”

Dahan dahang umiling si Fatima. She was unsure what to make of the situation. “Maybe. Yes?”

“Tinatanong mo ba ako o sinasagot? Seriously, Fatima.”

“Hindi ko alam,” Fatima took a huge breath before closing her eyes. This was much more difficult than her job. Was this another bout of their impulsiveness driven by their fleeting desire? Alam niyang kung may sarili lang silang kwarto kagabi, they would have slept with each other—with no regard for the consequences.

She did not want to think about this right now.

And as if the universe heard her prayer, bumalik na ang mga kaibigan nila para ayain sila mag-swimming at diving, but not before Mila made her promise that they’d continue this conversation.

Fatima felt Rigo before she sees him. Pumwesto ito sa likod niya at marahan na hinawakan ang bewang niya. “Hi. Sorry hindi kita ginising. Himbing ng tulog mo, e.”

She stopped herself from smiling because she had been doing that more in the last 24 hours than she did her whole life. The universe might as well have crucified her for it after resisting his presence for months, only for her resolve to crumble away the moment their lips touched.

“It’s okay. Hindi rin ako ginising nito, e,” she pointed at her belly. “Usually, siya ang alarm clock ko. Naninipa na ‘pag mga 5 AM na.”

Rigo pulled his upper lip between his teeth, and smiled. “Gutom na ang bata. May niluto kami kanina. Kain na tayo?”

Fatima nodded and watched as Rigo picked up a plate and utensils for her. Then, inabot nito ang rice cooker at nilagyan ang plato niya. He pushed the serving bowl of corned beef to her. “Sa’n supplements mo? Nasa bag mo sa taas?”

He didn’t even wait for her answer and just quickly ran upstairs to get it for her, and Fatima didn’t miss the small smile Mila gave her when her gaze flew to her friend who was standing a few feet away from them, pretending to be busy, but was actually eavesdropping.

Despite feeling like her chest could burst from happiness, Fatima knew they were far from being back to the old them.

#smdysnwp