Chapter 19

Gesture of Peace

Aalis na siya. Iiwan na niya ako. Rigo’s head was swimming with dangerous thoughts that his chest was compressing painfully inside his ribcage, rendering his breaths to come out in puffs of labored air.

He stood there, unmoving and frozen like his head was dunked in cold water. Kinuyom niya ang mga palad niya at ibinalik ang tingin kay Fatima. She looks dejected, and rightfully so. Her brows were furrowed and her eyes held a deep pain that he knew he was responsible for.

Unconsciously, Rigo placed a hand on his chest, careful not to show Fatima, and rubbed it in the middle. It was becoming harder to breathe the more he was trying to wrap his head around the pain that was cutting through between them. Alam niyang kasalanan niya, alam niyang napuno na si Fatima. But how do you explain to someone something you also don’t understand?

He was scared of himself.

He was scared to lose her when he fucks up, and he knows he will. Hindi man ngayon, pero alam niyang magkakamali siya at ayaw niyang madamay si Fatima. No matter how careful he was, he knows that at some point, he’ll ruin everything. And what happens then? An even more complicated situation might arise. Worse, their friendship might crumble underneath all the weight of his mistakes.

But Rigo now knows that there's an even more tragic fate for them than losing their friendship.

It’s losing her.

Rigo pressed harder on his chest with one hand and bent his head down, eyes casted on the floor. He was a mixture of shame, fear, and something else he can’t pinpoint. He was a coward for never wanting to admit this to her, and he was cruel for even stirring their feelings in this mess.

But my God, he loves her.

The admission relieves his chest from the pressure. It made breathing a little more bearable, livable. It made him unclench his fist despite the red marks denting his palms. It steadies the tremors threatening to engulf his whole being.

“I understand.”

She wanted an out, and Rigo was more than willing to let her. Kahit iyon man lang, hindi na mahirapan si Fatima. She was already tired enough–tired of him. The thought halts Rigo as soon as it hits him. How can a few words feel like a knife being driven in and out of one’s chest? It feels that way for him and he blames nobody but himself.

He was always too loud, too friendly, too opinionated, too annoying, too angry. He was too much of everything for everyone. . . including Fatima. And it was that thought that made letting her go reasonable. He was a burden she didn’t need. He was a burden that only he should be carrying.

☂

Rigo stacked the next wood on its rightful place and angle before dusting his hands on his jeans. Minsan sobrang dumi na ng damit niya dahil sa mga materyales na ginagamit nila, at madalas puro alikabok. It was the reason why he had colds almost every week.

“On the way na raw sina Mila.” Jachin looked up from his phone while sitting on a random monobloc they borrowed from the adjacent room on this floor.

Napatigil si Rigo sa paglalakad at nilingon ang kaibigan niya. “Ha? Bakit?”

“Anong bakit? Sabay sabay tayong uuwi ‘di ba?”

Rigo shook his head. He sure as hell won’t do that. Because where Mila was, Fatima was guaranteed to be there, and he didn’t know if she wanted to see him just yet. “Mauuna na ako. Kailangan ako ni Papa sa talyer. May malaking project pala.”

“Akala ko ‘di ka busy?”

“I am,” Rigo insisted. “Lagi naman akong busy. Una na ako.” He picked up his bag and made sure to pull out his new pack of cigarettes. Kabibili lang niya kanina nito and the look of disapproval on Jachin’s face made it worth it. Para namang minsan hindi ito humihingi sa kanya. He was just jealous that Rigo could do anything without Mila hounding his ass. Swerte niya dahil hindi sa kanya nakatuon ang pansin ni Mila.

“Labo mo. Iniiwasan mo ba sila?” Jachin urged and stood up from the chair.

He doesn’t know anything, Rigo reminds himself. Kapag nagtatanong kasi ito minsan hinihintay na lang na kumpirmahin nila. Sometimes he just knows.

“‘Di, busy lang talaga. Masama bang umuwi agad?” Rigo let out a dry laugh. “Para namang hindi ko sila makikita bukas. Lunes pa lang, uy. May buong linggo pa ako.”

Jachin met his eyes and held his gaze. He was far too observant for his own good. Iniwas ni Rigo ang tingin niya and it was probably a mistake to do so because Jachin slowly shook his head in disappointment. “Alam mo pwede mo naman kasing sabihin sa ‘kin para ‘di ganyan na nahihirapan kang magtago.”

Rigo wants to. Kaibigan niya si Jachin kaya alam niyang mapagkakatiwalaan niya ito. But out of respect for Fatima, he didn’t want to divulge anything she didn’t say he could, and they’ve not spoken to each other for over a month already kaya hindi niya alam kung okay lang bang banggitin ito kay Jachin.

The sound of the door creaking made Rigo snap out of his thoughts and back to the present where he needed to escape now. Nagmamadali niyang kinuha ang bag niya at lumingon. He was right. Mila and Fatima came through the door holding cups of their favorite frozen yogurt.

“O, sa’n ka pupunta?” Mila asked, licking her spoon clean. Rigo felt Fatima’s gaze on him but he didn’t try to look at her. Diretso ang tingin niya kay Mila.

“Uuwi na. Kailangan na ako sa bahay.”

“Huh? Akala ko sabay sabay tayo?” kunot noo na tanong ni Mila at inilipat ang tingin kay Fatima. “‘Di ka papahatid kay Rigo? Mahirap na mag commute.”

It was their usual routine. Si Jachin ay isasabay si Mila at ihahatid, habang kasama naman niya si Fatima. It was to save gas and money for transportation kaya nila hinahatid sina Mila at Fatima, but since that night, they’ve successfully avoided their friends’ prying tendencies.

Until now, apparently.

Rigo scratched the back of his head as his brain jumbled the multiple excuses he had thought of for this moment. “Mabaho sasakyan ko. ‘Di ko pa napapalinis.”

Mas lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo ni Mila, and Jachin jumped into the conversation. “Hatid mo na si Fats. Padilim na rin. Magsuot ka na lang ng facemask, Fats.”

Fatima didn’t appreciate the joke as much as Jachin hoped for, but it was only because she was already staring at him by the time he turned to her to finally meet her gaze. Her expression was indifferent, if not mildly interested. But she stood a little straighter, a little more tense than before.

Was she uncomfortable in his presence? Kumalabog ang puso ni Rigo. Fatima was never uncomfortable with him. Malaya itong nakakasandal sa kanya kapag inaantok na. Malaya nitong nahahawakan ang kamay niya. Malaya itong nakakatulog sa harap niya kapag nag-aaral sila.

Rigo rubbed the space between his brows and flipped the cover of his cigarette pack to reach for one. “Okay. Kung gusto—kung gusto mo.”

Bumaba ang tingin ni Fatima sa mga daliri niyang hawak ang sigarilyo. And then she nodded. “Yeah. Ayoko na rin makipagsiksikan.”

Hindi mapigilan ni Rigo na mapalingon kay Fatima habang nagmamaneho. She didn’t seem to mind that his car was a little dirty dahil busy siya sa school at hindi niya malinis. Diretso lang ang tingin nito sa daan at tahimik na pinagmamasdan ang mga sasakyan sa labas.

When they arrived at a stoplight, Rigo squirmed in his seat, trying to fight the urge to say something. He was never one to be comfortable around silence. Mas gusto niya may kausap siya o may napapangiti, especially if that person was Fatima.

“You’re a bad liar,” Fatima beats him to it. Her eyes didn’t leave the road ahead, but her voice wrapped around Rigo and he didn’t realize how much he missed it until now.

Tangina. “Ha?”

“Pwede mo namang sabihin na ayaw mo akong makasama. You didn’t have to lie about going home.”

“Hindi ko sinabi ‘yon, Fatima,” Rigo sighed and gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Ayoko lang—ayoko lang mahirapan ka na umiwas sa ‘kin. Para alam mong pwede kang sumama sa kanila na hindi ka maiilang dahil nando’n ako.”

“Bakit ako maiilang? Kailan ako nailang sa ‘yo?” Fatima countered him. Rigo backtracks in his mind if there ever was a time in their friendship that they didn’t enjoy each other’s company. Even when they disagreed at times, kaya nilang pareho na umupo katabi ang isa’t isa nang hindi naiilang.

Rigo bit his lower lip and stretched his hand on the console between them. “Sorry. . . sorry if it felt that way.”

Rigo turned the wheel to park in front of Fatima’s dorm. He pulled the keys out to turn off the engine and leaned back a bit on his seat so he could look at Fatima. Her hair was up in a loose bun, with some of the wisps falling out on the sides of her face, and her white croptop hugged her frame fittingly. Her light brown skin tone looked even more rich as the setting sun hit it from his windshield. Ang ganda, tangina.

He wished he could run his fingers along her arms, rub his thumb on the palm of her hand, and place a lingering kiss on her forehead.

Fatima took a deep breath before turning to meet his eyes. “Hindi tayo pwedeng ganito, Rigo. Hindi pwede na mailang tayo sa isa’t isa kapag kasama sila kasi magtatanong sila. They will figure it out.”

If they haven’t already. It’s not as if they were careful with it anyway. They moved and spoke to each other like they did when they were just friends, and it was no surprise to their group when they’d sit next to each other on every occasion or when the other person would answer on behalf of the other if they weren’t in the same room.

But that was the thing, their relationship made no difference on the outside, but they both knew what had happened between them.

“I know,” sagot ni Rigo. “Gusto mo ba na sabihin sa kanila?”

Mabilis ito umiling, her fingers pulling on her jeans. It suddenly felt embarrassing to talk about it when it’s just the two of them now. “Madaldal ang mga ‘yon. I don’t want them finding out just yet.”

Bahagyang natawa si Rigo, and the sound made Fatima smile a little despite her better judgment. “Si Jachin ang magkakalat ng sikreto natin sinasabi ko sa ‘yo.”

A hearty laugh bubbled out of Rigo, unrestrained and free. “For sure.”

When Fatima reached for the door handle, marahang inabot ni Rigo ang pulso niya. Bumaba ang tingin ni Fatima sa hawak nito sa kanya, gentle and just enough to make her miss it.

“Magpahinga ka na sa taas, and cook something decent for dinner. Alam ko puro ka prito at sabaw ‘pag wala kang oras para magluto.”

Fatima’s eyes narrowed at him, and Rigo couldn't help but grin, his head slightly falling back. “Oo na, kakain ako nang maayos. May natira naman akong dinner kagabi.”

“Okay,” Rigo nodded but didn’t let go of her hand. Instead, he bent his down a little to kiss the back of her palm. It was sweet and feather-like, his lips barely even touching her skin. It was a gesture of peace–that after everything, Rigo wanted her to know that he’d always put her feelings above his own.

He’d try his best to.

#smdysnwp