Chapter 10

Hurt People

Fatima peeled her kiat kiat slowly, making sure she was removing the pith before shoving a piece in her mouth. She just got out of a three hour long class and she was so hungry that she could feel her temper starting to rise. But she didn’t like whatever was served in the canteen so it was a good thing that she brought her fruits in case she got hungry, which was always.

She was hungry after class. She was hungry in between lectures. She was hungry even after eating a full meal just this morning. It drove her mad that she couldn’t control her increasing appetite, but she at least had to take in a small snack in between or she would go ballistic.

Nakabukas ang laptop niya sa harap niya habang nakaupo siya sa library. Her hands were busy peeling underneath the table while her eyes moved along the screen as she read an article for a paper. Bawal kasing magpasok ng pagkain sa library, pero hindi niya kaya ang init sa labas kaya inilagay niya sa pinaka-ilalim ng bag niya ang prutas.

A tap on her head made her jerk in surprise. She lifted her head to see who it was and found Rigo grinning at her. He ran a hand through his hair before pulling out a chair to sit beside her. “May klase ka kanina?”

Tumango si Fatima. “Yeah. Ikaw? Kakapasok mo lang?” She tried her very best not to look at Rigo because he looked extra handsome right now. More than usual. Hindi pa rin nagpapagupit ito kaya mas mahaba na ang buhok niya, almost below his ear already. And while he keeps it neat as best as he could, there’s still a different charm whenever it’s a mess.

Humikab ito bago bumaling sa kanya. “Oo. Ala-una pa klase ko. Inaantok pa nga ako pero may kailangan ding tapusin para mamaya.”

“Si Jach?”

Rigo shivered and shook his head, as if disgusted. “Ayun. Kasama si Evie. Magso-solo muna. Lalabas yata saglit ng campus para mag-lunch.”

“Inggit ka lang,” Fatima commented before shoving another piece of her kiat kiat in her mouth.

Inagaw ni Rigo ang kiat kiat niya at akmang aangal na si Fatima nang bumaba ang tingin niya sa mga kamay nito at nakitang binabalatan nito ang kiat kiat niya. He placed the pieces on her waiting palm afterwards.

“Excuse me. Meron din ako ‘no? ‘Di lang ‘yon ang swerte sa pag-ibig.”

That made Fatima freeze. He had someone already? It wasn’t unusual for him to tell her that before everything that happened between them, but for some reason, hearing it from him now made Fatima’s stomach twist in uneasiness. It was wrong and selfish, so she masked her feelings by slowly munching on her fruit.

“Paborito mo na ‘yan no? Alam ko na ireregalo ko sa ‘yo sa birthday mo. Isang box ng kiat kiat,” pagbibiro nito at kinuha ulit ang isa pang kiat kiat para balatan. “Tapos iba pang citrus fruits.”

Fatima bit her lip as she waited for Rigo to finish peeling. “By that time, baka hindi ko na cravings. Malapit na akong manganak no’n.” By her birthday in October, she’d probably be a month before her due date already. Her pulse raced at the thought of giving birth. She hadn’t thought about it extensively because she was more focused on getting through her first trimester than thinking about giving birth.

“Kailan due date mo?” tanong nito.

“November-ish. Around that time.”

Lumiwanag ang mata ni Rigo at ipinatong ang baba nito sa palad niya. “Excited akong makita ang bebi. Bebi muna tawag ko kasi hindi mo pa alam kung babae o lalaki.”

Despite what she was feeling for the past couple of weeks, Fatima finally allowed herself to smile a little. She was happy that someone was looking forward to her baby’s birth other than her. Sometimes she would lie awake at night and wonder if Jacob ever thinks about them. Kung iniisip ba nito kung maselan ang pagbubuntis niya at kailangan niyang mag bed rest. Kung iniisip ba nito kung anong size ng mga damit ang bibilhin para sa anak nila.

But everytime she thought of it too much, she would have nightmares. And sometimes, Fatima can no longer tell apart whether she was dreaming about it or living in it.

“Okay ka lang?” she heard Rigo’s voice cut through the tangled wires inside her head. Diretsong nakatingin ito sa kanya, concern visible in his round eyes.

“Yeah,” Fatima breathed out. She smiled and tapped Rigo’s leg. “So who’s the unlucky girl?”

Napataas ang kilay nito. “Maka-unlucky girl, ah. Pero kilala mo na.”

“Is it Amara?” Fatima tilted her head and pretended her heart wasn’t beating so fast. She knew there was a possibility that Amara followed through with what she said, but she didn't think it would be this soon.

Fatima wanted to slap herself, kasi ano naman kung iyon ang mangyayari? What is it to her? This is what she wanted. This is what she longed for for Rigo. It doesn’t make sense for her to act like she didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. It’s unfair to Rigo and Amara.

“Mm-hmm,” Rigo bit his bottom lip. “Siya nga unang nagtanong. Sabi niya kung gusto ko pagkatapos ng project namin na lumabas. Kami lang dalawa.”

“So you’re going to go on a date?”

Tumango ito at nagsimulang buksan ang bag nito para kuhanin ang laptop niya. “Yeah. Tignan ko lang. ‘Di ko naman ine-expect na may mangyayari. Pero ‘di ko rin naman malalaman kung ‘di ako papayag ‘di ba?”

Fatima nodded in understanding. “That’s true.” She gripped the fabric of her pants underneath the table to stop herself from saying anything further. Wala siyang tiwala sa sarili niya at sa maaari niyang sabihin.

“And you know what? Malay mo, magustuhan ko rin siya.”

Fatima felt a cold hand squeeze her heart. Malay mo, magustuhan ko rin siya. She felt as if those words were meant for her, the old Fatima. The old Fatima who once hoped that they’d end up together. She could imagine hearing it from Rigo as he tucked her hair behind her ear. She could clearly hear the way he had said it, one night in February: gusto kita, just after their lips part and only a sigh of pure pleasure was left between them. And then, she heard it in the way he used to repeat it to her every time since. Gusto kita. Gustong gusto kita.

Until it all stopped. Until she could only make out silence.

Ipinikit ni Fatima ang mata niya in the guise of being sleepy, but in truth, she just didn’t want to see the happy smile painted on Rigo’s lips and know that she isn’t the reason for it.

“Tell me what happens after ng date n’yo,” Fatima whispered and leaned her head down on the table, turning so her face was facing Rigo who was now busy typing on his laptop.

She watched Rigo work while listening to him about the silly stuff that happened to him, while telling her about Amara. And Fatima let him because for once, she felt them cycle back to the old them, the one without a messy history written on the palm of their hands.

☂

Fatima didn’t tell anyone, but she had bled at 13 weeks. Like usual, after class, she would go to the comfort room to relieve herself and try as best as she could to preserve her makeup because she didn’t have the energy to reapply, but her heart dropped to the floor when she noticed that she had bled.

Panic rose from her throat and she bit her lip to stop herself from crying. This is not the time to lose her shit! But her thoughts immediately went to the worst possible scenario. Did she—did she just lose her baby? Did she miscarry? Why? What did she do?

It’s her fault. It’s all her fault. She was careless and stupid!

Agad niyang nilinis ang sarili at lumabas ng cubicle para punasan ang luha niya. She quickly grabbed her bag to shoot a text to her OB. Nang malaman nito ang kalagayan niya ay agad siyang pinapunta sa ospital.

Fatima could barely walk without feeling like the earth beneath her would give way; without feeling like her knees were so weak that she could just crawl.

As soon as she arrived, the first thing her OB made her do was to sit and drink water. Namumutla na raw kasi siya and the last thing they need is another complication to occur while trying to solve the first one.

Fatima laid there on the semi-comfortable reclining chair, staring at the blank white ceiling as she waited to be examined. Her thoughts haunting her to no end until she could feel the cold temperature of the room bite her exposed skin. It was the only thing that brought her back to the ground and reminded her that she was here.

Her OB did an ultrasound and even though her face showed no signs of alarm, alam ni Fatima na sanay ang mga ito na hindi magpakita ng reaction tuwing may examination na ginagawa sa pasyente nila. She could have lost her baby and her OB will still find a way to break the news to her gently.

“Fatima?” she heard her say, and Fatima immediately turned to her. Her OB turned the monitor in her direction so she could see what her doctor was seeing. “Bleeding occurs during any stage of pregnancy and what happened was very normal. It wasn’t excessive and to my observation here, the baby’s not in distress. And your IE showed a little bleeding that is normal.”

The baby was alive. Her baby was alive. That’s all that matters.

A sigh of relief slipped out of Fatima’s lips along with a soft sob that came from the deepest part of her heart. Her hands went to her face to hide her sobs.

“It’s okay, Fatima. You were overwhelmed.”

“I’m sorry po,” she cried softly.

Her doctor gave her a pat on the shoulder. “Do you have someone with you? I can call them para pumasok dito at alalayan ka.”

Fatima shook her head as another soft sob racked through her chest. She didn’t have anyone and that was the reality that she was living in. She just didn’t know if she wanted to blame herself for it.

Maybe if she was a better girlfriend to Jacob, he wouldn’t have left her.

Maybe if she was a better friend to Rigo, they wouldn’t have this complicated relationship.

Maybe if she was a better person to everyone, she wouldn’t be this alone.

But she was just Fatima.

Nang matapos siya ay dahan dahan siyang lumakad palabas ng hospital, she had the bill on one hand and the other one was gripping her shoulder bag tightly. Fatima froze when she saw a familiar figure waiting outside, just beyond the open parking lot.

Nakakunot ang noo nito habang nakapameywang at ngumunguya ng chewing gum. It was a new thing he acquired after he quit smoking, palagi na itong may baon na gum kahit saan ito magpunta.

Fatima contemplated whether she should turn her back on him para hindi na siya makita nito, but before she could even make up her mind, nagtama na ang tingin nila. Agad na lumambot ang ekpresyon ni Rigo. His shoulders, which were tense just a second ago, suddenly dropped in relief.

It was a mistake to tell Abe where she was, even when she didn’t disclose why she went to the hospital. Alam naman niyang makakarating ito kay Rigo kahit anong gawin niya. And she was right.

Mabilis itong humakbang papunta sa kinatatayuan niya. “Anong nangyari? Okay lang kayo?” Kayo. Fatima wanted to sit on her heels and cry as soon she heard him say that. Not just her or her baby. But both of them.

“Yeah,” she replied and started to walk towards the parking lot’s exit. Doon din kasi ang sakayan ng jeep. “Umuwi ka na. I’m okay.”

Narinig niyang pumalatak ito at masuyong hinawakan ang pulsuhan niya. “Ihahatid na kita.”

Fatima pulled her arm away and squeezed her eyes shut. She was losing her temper again. She turned to face him and gritted her teeth. “Rigo, I’m okay. I can manage. Wala namang problema.”

“The fact na pumunta ka sa hospital tells me na may nangyari. Hindi pwedeng hayaan lang kitang umuwi mag-isa.” Rigo insisted.

“I said I’m okay!” Fatima’s voice rose in anger. “Kaya ko namang lumakad. Kaya ko ring mag-commute.”

“Tangina, ang tigas ng ulo mo!” Rigo couldn’t help but match her temper. Napahawak ito sa sentido nito. “Ang sakit mo sa ulo.”

Fatima pushed him hard, but Rigo was fast to brace his feet on the ground. “Then umalis ka na!”

Rigo caught her arms before she attempted to push him again. Hinawakan niya ito at hinayaan si Fatima na huminga. She was breathing so hard that she could feel her face heat up at the effort to catch her breath. “Fatima. Fatima.”

“How do you think Amara would feel kung dis-oras ng gabi sinusundo mo pa ako? Kung dis-oras ng gabi pupunta ka sa ‘kin para tulungan ako sa mga bagay na kaya ko namang gawin?!” she screamed at him, not caring if people heard them. Wala na siyang pakialam.

“Fatima–”

Fatima felt her tears threatening to fall. She bit her lip so hard she thought she tasted copper. “You don’t fucking care about how she would feel! Wala kang pakialam sa ibang tao, Rigo! And ‘yon ang ayoko!”

Napatingala si Rigo. He didn’t want this conversation to happen. It was too soon. . . and also long overdue. “Fatima, kaibigan kita. Kahit anong gawin mo, mas lamang ka sa kanila. Alam ‘yon ni Amara.”

“Does she really?” Hinabol ni Fatima ang mga mata ni Rigo. “Alam din ba niya na once upon a time we almost fucked each other?!” she cried in frustration, unable to stop herself.

Natahimik si Rigo, the shock reverberating through his body. Fatima was chasing her breath, her chest heaving in a mixture of anger and adrenaline and the waves of what transpired today. She was scared out of her mind, and angry, and anxious, and now her heart hurt even more.

“‘Wag mong. . .” he trailed off and sighed heavily. His brows furrowed together in a tight line out of frustration. “‘Wag mong gamitin ‘yong nakaraan natin para takbuhan ako.”

Fatima shook her head and refused to hear what he had to say next. “Umuwi ka na, Rigo.”

#smdysnwp