Chapter 44:

Oliver's Point of View

"Dear Beckinsile, How are things up there? Is everyone being nice to you? Is God taking good care of you? I hope you're making some nice friends up there to spend eternity with. Things down here are going fine. We all miss you like crazy but we'll live, we have to, I guess. Everything has changed now that you've left. There always feels like there's something missing. The world feels just a little bit more lonely, my world in particular. You were my world. All I could ever think about was how I was so lucky to have you and how much I loved you. Most people think that teenagers don't know what love feels like but I think we know it better than anyone else. Teenagers may be stupid and impulsive sometimes but we feel our emotions with everything that we have. I know what love feels like because I felt it with you. Every time I held you, every time I kissed you and every moment I spent with you showed me what love was. I could feel your love even when we weren't together because you had such a deep effect on me. You were always so funny and so loyal and you loved with everything you had. Every time we were together I'd wish our time would last forever. Things with you always seemed brighter and I could never be in a bad mood around you because you were like a light in the dark. So, I can't understand why God would want to take the light away but I guess he has his reasons. I still remember the night you left the world like it just happened a few minutes ago. I remember the jolt the initial slam sent throughout the car. I remember watching the light leave your eyes. I remember frantically searching your neck for a pulse before realizing that there was none. I remember feeling so hopelessly lost when my mom told me that you didn't make it. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and all I could think about was you. Nothing mattered anymore, I needed to see you, and I needed to feel you in my arms but the fact that I'd never be able to do those things kept hitting me over and over again. I didn't know up until my mom told me but you died right in front of me. I watched you die, Beckinsile and I'm truly sorry that there was nothing I could've done. I wish every day that I'll wake and this'll be just some cruel dream. I wish that I'll go to school and see you sitting at your usual place in class, waiting for me to come. I know it's stupid to even think these things but it's the only hope I have left. I'm so jealous of the people who get to pretend that their dead loved ones are still here because I can't do that. I felt your neck, I knew there was no pulse but I held on and that hurt me even more. I can't even pretend that there's any hope that you'll come back because I know you won't. I know you're gone and that's killing me from the inside out. I remember when I first saw you at the soccer game. You looked so bored and spent the whole time looking down at your phone. I remember laughing a little at that but you looked so beautiful that I couldn't even joke about you. It hurt when you decided to date Kyle. I know you didn't know me but I felt like I had a chance with you. When I found out what he did to you I felt like beating him up for hurting you because you didn't deserve to be treated that way. The minute you sat down behind me in math I decided that this was the year I was going to make you mine and I feel so lucky that things went that way. You taught me what it was like to love someone with all my heart and you taught me what true happiness is. I can never thank you enough for being my everything, even for the little time we had together and what we had will stick with me for eternity. You restored my faith in love and in humanity and even though you aren't physically here anymore, I believe that this effect that you left will stick around longer than anyone sitting in this very room. I'm sorry you're missing out on the rest of your life. I'm sorry that we won't get to continue our story. I'm sorry things didn't go the way you planned. I'm sorry there was nothing I could do to save you. I wish with all my heart to go back to that night and change everything so that you could still be here but I can't do that. Someday we'll be together again, Princess but until then please take care of yourself. Just promise me that when I die you'll be up there waiting for me. I love you, Beckinsile and I can never tell you that enough. I wish I could still tell you this and have you respond but I guess this letter will just have to do. I'll love you with all I have, forever and always, Beautiful. We'll be together before you know it, Oliver." I look at the crowd of faces again and see everyone has tissues out and tears running down their faces.

The preacher pats my shoulder and I slowly walk back to my seat. Victoria pulls me into a hug and I can feel her shaking as she buries her face in my shoulder. We sit down again and I let her rest her head on my shoulder as the preacher finishes off the service.

After we pray one final time for Beckinsile and her family, her brothers, father, grandfather and uncle lift up the casket and carry it out of the church to the tune of "In The Arms Of An Angel". Each row follows out behind the casket and we all watch as the family slides the casket into the hearse.

I take in a few deep breaths and blink back tears. My parents lead me into the car and we follow the car in front of us, creating a funeral procession. When we arrive at our destination, I realize that we are all going to watch her be lowered into the ground.

"Great, just what my messed up emotions need..." I think to myself while my dad pulls into a park.

My heartbeat speeds up as my whole family gets out of the car and walks over to where the casket is already being set up. Beckinsile's parents, brothers and grandparents are standing over the hole in the ground with tear stricken faces.

My mom pulls Mrs. Williams into a hug and holds her there as everyone else arrives. We pray again with the preacher and sing one last song before the casket begins to be lowered into the ground.

I watch in horror as the casket reaches the bottom of the grave with a soft thump. More tears rush down everyone's faces and Mrs. Williams practically collapses as she looks down into the grave.

I can feel my heart do a million back flips as I walk over to Mrs. Williams and embrace her. I hold her close and try to focus on my breathing. We release a few minutes later and she just covers her mouth as she catches a glimpse of the headstone standing at the head of Beckinsile's grave.

It reads, "Here Lies Beckinsile Madeline Williams, a kind soul who was called home too soon, September 2nd 1993- April 10th 2010, may she rest in peace..."

My eyes begin to water as I think about the fact that she was only 17 years old. She wasn't even an adult yet and now she will never get the chance to be one. How could God take a child away from the world? Why would he do this to everyone that loved her so much?

"He can't be trying to teach us a lesson; I mean what could we possibly learn from losing her?" I think to myself as people begin to pass around some bouquets of flowers to toss into the grave.

Someone passes me the bouquet and I take a couple of flowers before handing it off to Victoria. I walk over to where the Williams family is standing and stare down at the dark brown casket. I feel like throwing up at the fact that I'm the one staring down at her casket.

I wish with all my heart that the roles could be reversed. I wish I didn't even have to be staring down at a casket at all. I want to go back to the night of prom and just not go at all because then we'd both be standing right here, holding hands and enjoying the sunny spring weather as opposed to one of us being six feet under the ground. I feel my mom put a hand on my shoulder as we stand near the grave.

"She'd be just as upset as you are if the roles were reversed..." She whispers and my eyes widen at the fact that my mom just read my thoughts.

"How'd you know that's what I was thinking about?" I ask sullenly, my surprise subsiding.

"It's my sixth sense, sweetheart." She gives me a kiss on the cheek before going off to find my dad.

I stuff one hand in my pocket and stare down at the cheery pink flowers in my other hand. I want to stomp on them for being so cheery at such a depressing time but I can't bring myself to because I know for a fact that they'd make Beckinsile really happy and that's what's keeping me going.

"Hey Becks, I hope these flowers cheer you up...They aren't doing much to help us down here so maybe they'll make your life up there a little brighter..." I whisper as I toss the flowers down on top of her casket.

Victoria walks up next to me and tosses her flowers next.

"So, what are we supposed to do now?" She asks in a choked up voice.

"We have to continue on, I guess..." My eyes burn and hot tears of anger roll down my cheeks.

It's like I'm realizing for the first time that I'm never going to see her again. I'm never going to get to hold her again and that this is where our story really ends. I feel my throat burn as I push through some guests and walk back to the car.

When I first found out, I still had a little hope that maybe she'd miraculously come back to life or that maybe this was just some sick joke that people were playing on me. However, when I saw the body today at the funeral it felt like reality was hitting me right in the gut.

I guess I'd never subconsciously realized that this was really happening until today when the whole service cemented it. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride right now and I have a feeling that I won't come out on top. I slide down the side of the car and bury my face in my knees as thoughts of her run through my mind like a broken record.