Chapter 41:

Oliver's Point of View

The nurses come by and take Caleb back to his room half an hour later and I go back to walking around the hospital. I look at the directory and see the morgue is on the bottom floor. My eyes fill with tears and I slide down the white hospital wall.

I feel my throat seize up and I question my existence as I've been doing since Beckinsile left the world. I feel like I don't deserve to be here but Beckinsile does. She deserves to continue on. I'd do anything to switch with her.

I run my thumb under my eyes in a failed attempt to get rid of my tears. I picture her face in my mind and suddenly I can't move. All my muscles are in lockdown and I have no will to move them.

"I guess I'm not ready to see her..." I think and take in a deep breath.

"Oliver,"

I blink a few times and the person in front of me comes into focus. My nurse sets her hand under my chin and pulls my chin up so I'm looking directly at her.

"This is never going to get easier, I know that, but you really need to rest...You aren't ready to deal with this right now and you aren't ready to revisit what happened...I know you want to hold onto her but you can't right now...She'd want you to take care of yourself; she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself all the time. Please just rest and wait until you are completely sure you're ready and then deal with this..."

I just nod in response as the nurse helps me up and escorts me back to my room. I know I'm not ready but I want to see her so badly, just so that I'll know that this isn't some sick, twisted joke but a reality. I can't take not knowing.

"Hey Oliver..." Victoria walks into my room with a bag of Chinese take-out and an extra-large coffee.

She hands me the coffee and takes out a white container of noodles. She knows I won't eat but she tries to offer me some anyways.

"No thanks..." I mumble and take a swig from my coffee.

"Oliver, you have to eat something...You haven't eaten for at least three days straight..." I throw my hand up in protest but my mom silences me. "Pills and coffee don't count, sweetheart..."

"That's what you think..." I take another drink from my coffee and then sit down on my bed.

"Oliver," My mom says in a warning tone.

"I'll eat something when we get home tomorrow, but no take-out..."

"Deal," My mom pats my shoulder and takes out some food from the bag by Victoria.

~~~~~

It's about midnight and I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm too wrapped up in my thoughts to even fathom closing my eyes.

"What's on your mind, sweetheart?" My mom asks as she closes her book and looks over at me.

"Besides what happened last week?" My tone is sarcastic but I don't care right now.

"Yes, besides that..." My mom sighs and sits on the end of my bed.

"I can't believe that I could be the one in the morgue right now but I also can't believe that she's the one in the morgue...It's just unreal..." I wipe a tear away and turn so I'm looking my mom right in the eye.

"That's what's been running through my mind too...This whole thing is just so unreal..."

"I can't believe that I'll never get to see her again...I'll never get to take her to another prom or take her out again...I'll never get to do anything with her again..." I feel like my whining is getting a little annoying but I need to vent to somebody.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart..."

"This sucks...why even continue? There's nothing I can do to change this situation...I watched her hit the dash...I didn't know it in the moment but I watched her die...I held onto the hope that she was still alive but part of me knew...Except that part was overshadowed by pain and adrenaline...I thought they would save her but there's nothing they could do..." My throat burns with anger and self-loathing.

I shouldn't've been driving down a back road at 1 o'clock in the morning. I should've just taken the main road and maybe just maybe Beckinsile would still be here. Maybe I wouldn't be in this position right now, loathing my own existence, if I hadn't been so damn stupid.

"Oliver," My mom says in a surprised tone. "Beckinsile would want you to continue on...I don't think I need to remind you that she can't...She would want you to be strong and continue on for her. Oliver, you are an amazing person and you deserve to be here right now... I know you think life would be better if the roles were reversed but the reality is that then Beckinsile would be in this position right now and her parents would be telling her the same things that I'm telling you...They would tell her to stay strong because Oliver can't...Oliver, I know you'd do anything to protect her but now she would want you to protect yourself..." My mom rubs my back but it doesn't comfort me at all.

"I need her back...I can't continue on like this...What am I supposed to do now? Pretend that none of this happened and try to go back to normal life? Forget that my own girlfriend is lying six feet underground? Forget that it was my fault she died? Forget how much I love her? What am I possibly supposed to do now?" I scream and shove a pillow in front of my face.

"Oliver, a drunk driver killed her, not you and I never expect you to forget her but you will have to adjust to life without her...She'll still be with you, every day for the rest of your life, but you will have to learn to cope without her physically being there...I know it won't be easy, I realize that but you will have to do it because she can't...If you have nothing else to live for, live for her..." My mom moves the pillow from my face and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "Now get some sleep...I love you, Oliver."

"I love you, mom..." I roll over and close my eyes.

~~~~~

It's noon and I'm dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a gray t-shirt. My doctors have cleared me and my parents are filling out the last of my paperwork so I can leave this hell of a hospital. All this place does is remind me of what I don't have and I can't take that. I have to leave this place if I'm ever going to become emotionally stable again.

Victoria is standing in my doorway wearing sweats and a pitying expression. She looks like she might break down crying if I move a muscle; that's how everyone seems to be now that I think about it.

"I'm fine right now..." I whisper and even have myself convinced for a second.

"I know you aren't." Victoria walks into my room and takes a seat on my bed.

"Well who would be after what's happened?" I snap and then feel guilty for forgetting that everyone is as emotionally unstable as I am. "I'm sorry; I'm just mad at everything right now."

"It's fine; I understand, Oliver..." Victoria sniffles and pulls me into a hug.

My parents come in and give us a small nod. My mom is holding a paper bag and a brown file.

"You're free to leave now..." My mom smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes as it used to.

"Let's go..." I mumble and walk out the door.

We reach the car in five minutes and I slip inside. My dad slips into the front and backs out of the parking lot. I look out the window and see nothing but gray skies which matches my mood perfectly.

I lean my cheek up against it and try to block out the world. I can sense my parents sharing a silent conversation as they continue driving towards our house. It's spring break this week, well it was considering it's now Friday and I've spent my spring break in that hospital, being told no and wondering what actually happened to my girlfriend.

I have to go back to school on Monday and truthfully, I'm not even close to ready for that. I bet I could ask my parents if I could stay home for a few days for emotional reasons but I guess I should probably show up. I mean if I stay home all I'll do is mope around and contemplate what I'm still doing on this earth.

I look out the window and see the familiar surroundings of my neighborhood. The houses all look the way I left them but nothing feels right anymore. My fists clench at these peoples' normal lives, at these peoples' happiness, at the fact that they can enjoy their lives, a thing that I won't be able to anymore.

My mom grabs a duffle bag from the trunk and then motions for me to follow her. I slam my door shut and follow my parents up to our front porch. They unlock the door and I slowly walk inside. Everything looks just the same but again, it doesn't feel right at all. I take a few slow steps up the stairs and walk down the hallway to my room. I slam the door behind me a collapse on my bed.

I still remember when Beckinsile came up here and I sang to her. She looked at me with so much admiration that I had to continue. I had to see that look on her face for as long as possible. I feel the tears streaming down my face as I think about us falling asleep together on this very bed and holding each other close for the whole night.

I'm remembering everything so vividly that I'm scaring myself. I feel an angry scream escape my lips and then I sit up. I'll never be able to make this work; it just isn't going to happen. I stumble over to my laptop and log in. I search through all the pictures I have of her and just spend as much time as I need to memorize everything about her. Her beautiful brown hair, her sweet green eyes and that smile that could make me feel better no matter how upset I was. I try to smile through my tears but all I can do is cry about how she isn't here.

"Damnit, this isn't helping..." I mutter and slam my computer shut.

I don't know why I ever thought that would help but I'm desperate. I need to see anything connected to her, anything that could make me feel like she's still here, I need something to hold onto but I can't have that, not since I saw her die right in front of me.

I try to calm myself down. I take in a few deep breaths and then turn on some music. Nirvana blasts through my speakers and I crash on my bed. I fold my hands behind my head and stare up at my plain, blue ceiling.

~~~~~

"I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me, sharing pillows and cold feet, she can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat, under blankets and warm sheets..." Beckinsile's favorite song comes blaring through my speakers and I feel my heart break in half as it has every time I've thought of her since the car crash.

"Really bad timing," I mumble and skip the song; I'm not ready for that yet, nor will I probably ever be.

"Oliver," My mom knocks on my door and then opens it after I don't respond.

She's carrying a tray of chicken, vegetables and rice along with my painkillers and water. I take the tray from her and set it on my desk.

"Sweetheart, I need to talk to you about something..."

"Shoot," I say and collapse on my bed again; the sentence that just came out of her mouth reminds me too much of the one she said right before she broke the news about Beckinsile but it doesn't scare me anymore.

I've already lost practically everything so there are only so many things that this can be about.

"The funeral is next weekend," My ears perk up at that sentence and I sit up. "And the Williams would like you to make a speech..." I feel my mouth drop open and I fall back on my bed.

I can't do this. I can't get up there and talk about her; I'll just choke up and pass out right in front of everyone.

"I can't do it...I can barely deal with it myself; how am I supposed to get up there and talk to people about her?" I feel my mom pull me into a hug and I bury my face in her shoulder.

"Just pretend that you're talking to her...Don't think about it; it's Beckinsile, no one else in the room matters, just talk to her..." I hear my mom whisper before releasing me.

My mom leaves after seeing me eat a few bites. I actually finish my meal and then I down my nightly dosage of painkillers. It numbs the pain in my head and everywhere else. I fall asleep easier than I have in days but I have no idea what I'm in store for after I close my eyes.