Chapter 40:

Oliver's Point of View

I open my eyes and blink rapidly due to my change in surroundings. The last thing I remember I was in the back of an ambulance on some back road while the paramedics rushed off with Beckinsile.

"Oh dammit, Beckinsile..." I think to myself as the full effect of the night's events hit me once again.

My heart is hammering in my chest as the paramedics rush me through the doors of the hospital. They move me onto another bed and then wheel me down to another room where they put me in a hospital gown. A team of nurses come in and then rush me out of the room. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness from hitting the steering wheel during the crash.

My hospital bed bursts through a set of double doors where there are at least five people, all wearing blue scrubs, sterilizing surgery tools. I almost pass out at the sight of the needles but it's more likely because I've lost so much blood. They move me onto a different bed and prep me for surgery.

As the other nurses leave I hear them talk about calling mine and Beckinsile's parents. My heart shudders at the thought of our parents and the looks on their faces when they get the hospital's call. Next thing I know I'm out cold thanks to anesthesia.

~~~~~

I open my eyes dazedly and try to make out the numbers of the clock on the wall. It reads 12:00 P.M. My arm is in one piece again and now attached to my shoulder as it should be. I feel my head and find a bandage wrapped around it protecting the gash I must've gotten last night. Then it hits me again; Beckinsile. What happened to her? Where is she? Is she okay after last night?

I can already feel my tears which causes my head to throb a little. My mind flashes back to the initial jolt and watching Beckinsile hit the dashboard. The sound her head made against the dash still rings in my mind.

A nurse comes in with a large cup of water and a handful of pills.

"Take these," She instructs and hands me the pills.

I do as I'm told and my head feels a little better.

"Do you know what happened to my girlfriend? She was the other one involved in the crash..." I give the nurse a curious look and she just stands in the doorway with pity in her eyes.

"Get some rest, Mr. Marshall...That's what you need right now..." She gives me a small smile before leaving the room.

~~~~~

I've spent the past few hours trying to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see her hit the dashboard over and over again; that's enough to make me never want to sleep again. I flip through TV channels but nothing catches my interest. All I can think about is how Beckinsile is doing. I take a sip of water and then go back to channel surfing.

"Oliver," I hear my mother's voice as she and the rest of my family come into the small hospital room.

My mother leans over and kisses my forehead. Victoria gives me a hug and then hands me a giant teddy bear, which I'm guessing is her way of trying to ease my pain. My dad kisses my forehead too and then Luke pats my shoulder lovingly.

"Sweetheart, I don't even know what to say..." My mom takes a seat in the chair right next to my bed. "I'm so sorry this happened..." She covers her mouth with her hand and I can see the tears sparkling in her eyes.

"I'm okay, mom...It's all fine..." I pat her thigh as best I can and she gives me a small smile.

"Sweetheart, we could've lost you last night and I'm just so thankful that you're still here..." My mom is choked up and has tears running down her face. "I'm just so thankful that you're here..."

"I am too, mom..." My mom smiles and takes my hand in hers.

"Mom,"

"Yes, Oliver?"

"Do you know how Beckinsile is?" My mom's expression sinks a little and she bites her lip.

"Victoria, Luke, why don't you and your father go get Oliver some frozen yogurt? Oliver and I need to have a little chat one on one..." The rest of my family leaves but my mom remains.

I feel my heart speed up as I wait on what my mom needs to tell me. A million things run through my mind but none of them are bad. I'm looking on the bright side which is probably what I should be doing after last night's events.

"Sweetheart, there is something I need you to understand..." My mom gets up and takes a seat on my bed.

She holds my hand and looks down at her lap. Her eyes are filled with tears as she continues with her news.

"She didn't make it..." My mom breaks down sobbing and I can literally feel my whole world stop.

I feel dizzy; I've ceased all movement and I'm almost sure I'm going to throw up. My tears come down fast and soon drip down onto my hospital gown.

"How did this happen?" I shout through the tears.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart...The doctors tried to revive her but she was already gone. She was dead even before they got to the scene. They tried; they really did but there was nothing they could do..." My mom tries to pull me into a hug but I can't bring myself to do anything but breathe.

Everything feels wrong. I should be the dead one, not her. I should be the one in the hospital morgue, not her. I have no right to be here if she isn't.

"Why did this happen? I loved her so much; she meant everything to me." I shout and throw one of the pillows from my bed at the wall.

"I know," My mom is still crying but she's got grip enough to talk to me in a soothing tone. "There is nothing about this situation that's fair, nothing at all. This whole mess sucks..."

"I'll never love another girl the way I love her...She can't be gone..." My voice cracks and I feel more hot tears rush down my face.

"I know, sweetheart..." My mom sets her hand on my cheek and stares into my eyes. "I'm so sorry this happened...Beckinsile was an amazing girl and I could tell how much she loved you...I'm just so sorry she had to go like this..." I cringe at my mom's use of the past tense.

"Everything I had planned, everything we had planned...none of it can happen now..."

"Oliver," My mom crumples and then starts to weep again.

"Dammit!" I scream and clench my fists.

"This isn't how it was supposed to go; I can't believe this happened and while I was supposed to be responsible for her, too..." I can feel the anger take over me and I have a sudden urge to drive my fist through a wall.

"I know. This is not how life is supposed to work and I will never understand why God let something like this happen." My mom places a kiss on my forehead and then goes back over to her seat by my bed; she looks emotionally drained.

"Have you seen her parents?" I ask, my voice cracking again.

"They came in with us...Her family is in looking at the body right now..." My mom props her head up on her fist and tries to control her tears.

"They didn't deserve this..." I mumble and then start crying again.

I'm imagining her parents and her brothers standing over her lifeless body sobbing the way my mother is but a million times worse. I can't stand that she was taken from this world at only seventeen years old. I can't stand that her parents lost one of their kids. I can't stand that she can't continue her life. I can't stand anything right now.

Victoria comes back into the room and the minute she sees me, she crumples into a mess of tears.

"I'm so sorry, Oliver..." She mutters and takes a seat on my bed.

Victoria pulls me into a hug and we just sit there on my bed trying to comfort each other.

"It isn't fair," she screams. "She had so much life ahead of her..."

"I know," I hold Victoria tight as more tears stream down my face. "I loved her so much...She shouldn't've died...She should still be here!" I hear Victoria sob some more before we let go.

Her face is covered in makeup and she has tears tightening on her face.

"I just can't believe it..."

"I was there...I saw the whole thing..." I say in an angry tone as my eyes prick again.

"Oliver," Victoria whimpers and starts to cry again.

~~~~~

I feel empty, lifeless, almost like a ghost passing through their former life. I'm still in the hospital but I can walk around now and the doctors are mostly keeping me here for the PTSD I'm suffering.

I'm supposed to be released tomorrow but it doesn't matter. There's no point in going back home and going through the motions if she isn't here with me. I can't leave the hospital without feeling like I've forgotten something and that something would be the love of my life, Beckinsile Williams.

I've asked my doctors multiple times if I could see Beckinsile but they keep on saying that I'm too emotionally unstable. I have no idea what they mean because I feel strong enough but that's probably because of all the drugs the nurses are shoving down my throat.

Ed and Fiona came to visit me a few days ago. They'd heard the news and we commiserated together but that didn't ease my pain at all. If anything it made my pain worse because now I see more people that are affected by the loss of Beckinsile.

Fiona was a sobbing mess and Ed was trying to hold it together but nothing could hide his pain. I avoided all the gory details of the crash; I'd figured it'd be better to spare them then scare them. They'd brought me some candy but I'd neglected it like every other piece of food that's been brought to me.

I'm meandering around the hospital at a slow pace. My parents have gone home to get me some of my own clothes to wear tomorrow and some dinner even though they know I won't eat. I've spent most of the past few days trying to find the morgue or at least the last room Beckinsile was in but no such luck. I've asked so many people if they know where she is but apparently my jerk of a doctor gave everyone an order to not give me any information.

All the nurses and employees just tell me to go rest. I usually respond with a snide remark about being told that a million times before walking off in the opposite direction. I sat outside a few times and tried to come to terms with what happened but I don't think I'll ever be able to.

People say the pain gets easier with time but I don't think it does. However, the people who say you never get over your first love know what's right. Your first love is special and after what's happened I don't think I'll ever get over Beckinsile. I still love her and I don't believe that'll ever change.

I turn down a few more hallways and come to a play area for the kids in the Cancer Ward. There are a few kids on the ground playing, surrounded by nurses and some parents. Their heads are covered in knit caps and they all have little smiles on their faces.

I can feel my heart tie itself up in knots at the sight of these little kids. They're still happy despite their situation. One of them walks over to me and grabs my hand. They pull me over to a pile of blocks and give me a small smile. I sit down on the ground and help them build a tower.

"I'm Oliver; what's your name?" I ask as I add a block to my tower.

"Caleb..." The little boy gives me a cheeky grin before knocking over my tower.

He claps his little hands together and I try to smile but I don't feel my face change at all.

"You little bugger," I pat his shoulder. "How old are you, Caleb?"

"I'm six," He says with his eyes completely focused on rebuilding the tower.

"Cool, I'm seventeen..." I choke up a little at the thought of a six year old being treated for a terminal disease.

Caleb smiles up at me and I go back to helping him build the tower. His whole attitude is so moving . A person so small going through this and still holding their head high amazes me and somehow gives me the strength to go on.

Things will never be the same as they were before and I don't think I'll ever move past this but I can at least carry on. I've been given the chance to live so I should take it because there are some people like Beckinsile and Caleb who won't be able to.

My heart stops the minute Beckinsile crosses my mind. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

"Are you okay, Oliver?" Caleb smiles and takes a seat in my lap.

"Yeah, I'm good for now..." I whisper and give Caleb a weak smile.