Chapter 49:

Oliver's Point of View

I wake up to the blinding lights of the hospital. I'm hooked up to at least three different machines and my arm and head are bandaged. I don't feel any pain or misery; I don't really feel anything at all. The nurses must've drugged me with something strong. I blink a few times and realize that I'm alone. The room is a hideous beige color and besides my bed and a chair, there isn't really any other furniture. That's when realization hits me like an earth quake.

I'm still on earth, and she still isn't here.

I feel my heart speed up and the tears begin, though I'm not convinced they ever stopped since her death. A sob escapes my lips and I clutch onto the sides of the bed to try and keep myself calm.

I can't be here.

I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to be with her.

I was supposed to die.

Why am I still here?

A nurse comes in and grabs a file from the table beside my bed. She clicks her pen and begins to write down some notes on my file.

"Hey sweetheart, how you feeling?" She sets a cold hand on my forehead. "You're burning up." The nurse pulls out a thermometer from her pocket.

Her facial features relax when she sees the numbers it displays.

"All normal; we'll just take off one of your blankets." She pulls off the top blanket and corrects my IV needle.

Her pager beeps and she gives me an apologetic look.

"I need to go but I'll come back and check on you soon. We'll send your family in though, so you won't be lonely for long." She gives me a small smile before leaving.

I'm going to be lonely no matter who you send in.

My mom comes into the room slowly and a teary smile spreads across her face. She walks over to me and wraps her arms around my neck. I can feel her shoulders shaking and the hot tears falling all over her face.

"Oliver, I'm sorry you aren't happy here. I'm sorry you feel like you can't live without her. I'm sorry about everything but please stay. We all need you down here whether you think we do or not." My mom kisses my forehead before releasing me and taking a seat in the chair next to my bed.

My dad comes in next and surprises me by giving me a hug. I can feel his tears too but he's more reserved about showing his emotion.

"We love you Oliver and we need you, no matter what you think." My dad takes the seat next to my mom and gives me a small smile. "I'm just so glad you're still here."

I'm not...

Victoria and Luke rush into the room next. Victoria's cheeks are streaked with tears and she's got dark shadows under her eyes from not sleeping. Luke's eyes are puffy and red with emotion he couldn't contain. She wraps me in a hug and honestly, if she held me any tighter she could suffocate me.

"Thank God you stayed. I don't know what I'd do if you'd left us." Victoria places a kiss on my head and then lets Luke hug me.

I look around at their happy faces and feel even more pain. Beckinsile's parents will never get to have this moment. They'll never get to see her open her eyes or get to hold her or tell her how much they love her. I'll never get to do those things again, either.

I was supposed to get to see her. I was supposed to be with her. That's what was supposed to happen when I hit the concrete ground. I wasn't supposed to live; I was supposed to let go, just like she did. I don't want to be here. I don't want to see everyone with their happy faces full of relief that I was dragged back here. I don't want to be here with people who've forgotten her, who've moved on from her. I want to be with her.

"Oliver, I know you want to be with her but just remember, she'll always be there waiting for you." Victoria states as tears fill her eyes. "We need you here with us right now."

"I don't want to wait; I want her back." I croak out and take in a deep breath.

"I know, sweetheart." My mom pats my hand and then the room falls silent.

~~~~~

I'm sweating out of my mind. I've tried to close my eyes and sleep but nightmares are the only things that wait behind my eyelids. The nurses have come in and adjusted everything but nothing is making me feel better. My vision is becoming splotchy and I'm shaking violently. My heartbeat speeds up and I hear my mom, who's been next to me the whole night, screaming for a nurse. More footsteps come barreling into the room. I feel a pair of cold hands on me, disconnecting me from my IV needle.

"He's seizing," The nurse shouts. "It's from the fall."

I feel her turn me onto my side and place her cold hands on my back. Then she moves me onto my back again and hooks me up to another IV. I feel calm for a few seconds before I start shaking violently again. My vison is spotted and my heartbeat has sped up again. I feel myself slipping and then I completely black out.

~~~~~

I open my eyes and see a kingdom of gold. People with smiles and bright eyes are everywhere and I seem to be one of them. I feel my mouth upturned and for the first time I believe my own happiness. I walk down the streets and take a left turn into a garden. There's a girl there, clothed in white with flowing brown hair. She turns around and I feel my breath catch in my throat. The girl has green eyes and a smile that could bring world peace. I walk towards her and the minute she touches my hand I know that it's Beckinsile.

"I thought I'd never see you again," I mumble as I pull her close to me.

"I always knew you'd come back but I never expected you so soon." Beckinsile whispers in my ear as she leads me deeper into the garden.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" I ask with a saddened expression.

"Of course but I've been watching you...We were never as far apart as you thought we were." She says in a sweet voice, the voice I've been missing for the last four months.

"I've been lonely and empty for the last four months, Beckinsile...You were the only thing that kept me alive for as long as I was but I decided I needed to see you in more than just pictures." I feel ashamed admitting this to her, I feel like I've betrayed her in some way.

"Oliver, I would've waited for you..."

"I know but I couldn't wait, Beckinsile." I feel a few tears make their way down my cheeks.

She runs a thumb under my eyes.

"There is no sadness here, Oliver." She smiles and grabs my hand again. "I want to show you something."

Beckinsile leads me out of the garden and over to the edge of the kingdom. She takes a seat on the edge and swings her legs down into the sky below.

"Oliver, I have been watching over you since I left earth, every day for four months. I saw what you said at the funeral; I saw you crying over me for days on end. I saw you going to the therapist and talking about me. I saw all the pain my death put you through. I watched as you threw yourself off the building and I watched you hit the pavement. I felt my heart break a little as I saw the light leave your eyes. I didn't know that missing me could drive you to this but I want you to know something. I will be waiting for you. I will wait for you for the rest of your life and when it's your turn to die, I'll be up here waiting to embrace you. It was not your time to go. You still have so much life ahead of you and I want you to go live it. I want you to fall in love and have a family and spend time with the people who love you and want nothing more than to have you back. Look down there." She turns my head so it's angled at something on earth.

My eyes fill with tears when I see my mom sprawled across me sobbing. My dad's standing above her, and Victoria and Luke are standing in the corner with pain dominating their expressions.

"Oliver, they need you right now...I will be fine up here. I've made enough friends to last me until you get back. I'll still be here when it's your time. I'm here for eternity and when you come back, we can pick up right where we left off. That's a promise." Beckinsile holds out her pinky to me.

I grasp it firmly and look into her beautiful eyes. They're shining just the way they had on earth. She looks happy, at peace almost. Beckinsile gives me a smile and leans in close to my ear.

"I'll be with you forever," She whispers and places her lips softly on my cheek.

I close my eyes slowly and savor this moment because I won't be able to feel this for an extremely long time.

"I love you," I mumble as I feel her soft lips lift from my cheek.

"I love you too," Beckinsile's voice is calm and sweet. "Now it's time to go back."

~~~~~

I feel a shock and I'm startled awake. My eyes adjust to the bright light and I slowly realize that I'm back in the hospital, surrounded by my parents, siblings and best friends. My eyes widen when I see Beckinsile's family standing near the door. Her mom has tears in her eyes as she makes eye contact with me. She's clutching onto her husband and sons while she continues to look at me.

"I'm glad you're back," She mouths.

I give her a small nod because I understand that she'd much rather have her own child back. That's when I remember my conversation with Beckinsile in what must've been heaven. I place a hand on my cheek where Beckinsile had kissed me and I feel the warmth her love had left there. A small smile forms on my lips as I remember all the things she said to me. She loves me. She wants me to live. She will be waiting up there for me until it's my time. A tear trails down my cheek at the thought.