I could still see the moments Alex died clearly every time I closed my eyes. Every time I blinked an image popped into my head. Every little second that passed made me feel more and more vulnerable.

I could still see how he closed his eyes with a smile on his lips, a tear leaving his eye. A tear of joy. He felt joy whilst passing away and I wouldn't have ever thought it possible that I'd ever see my mate die.

I could still see how Leo started to freak out when he realised something was wrong. I could still hear him trying to get to Alex, I could still feel how I grabbed him and hugged him to my chest. The way I tried to soothe him and held him like he was the most precious thing in this world.

I could still feel, how he let me touch him so easily, I could still feel how he cuddled me and probably tried to get along with the situation. I could still hear my voice whispering into his ear to block his wolf out. That's one thing I learned: If something bad happens, shut off all connections to your wolf, it makes you feel vulnerable and it makes you feel even emptier but you can get through this you can survive.

I could still feel my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces when we buried Alex as if he'd already been part of the pack. Alone in the woods, at night, as inclined with nature as possible.

I could still see how Leo was breaking down in front of me. I could still feel my legs losing all their strength as well. I can still see how we were practically carried back to the house. It was then that I made Leo swear something: We both wouldn't sleep until we passed out of exhaustion. I didn't want to lose him, something told me, Alex would have wanted us to help each other.

And until he left that day it worked out. But when I saw him in school the next time he pushed me against my locker and screamed at me. He screamed his soul out that I had problems thinking that he oppressed his wolf but he was alive so he had to oppress it.

I can still remember how he said "It's all your fault." After he was finished screaming. "It's you who took him from me. It's you that I should smash into tiny pieces." And then he left. With true words he left: It was my fault, if I wouldn't have stepped in and got through to Alex he would be happy with Leo now. Why was I so selfish?

Maybe I should let my wolf in and get it over with. Maybe I should let him in and kill myself because of his emotions.

"That wouldn't solve anything." Someone whispered. And they were right. If I would have killed myself then I wouldn't help anyone. I had a feeling Alex would like me to stay alive. And after all if it's not for him it's for Leo. He's practically putting all the burden on me, but I deserve it. If I was gone, he would have to carry it all himself and I can't let him.

So I knew I had to try and hold out. At least for as long as I could, I needed to hold out for Leo. I was going to be an alpha, I can take a few weeks of sleeplessness. But Leo isn't like me and I wished he'd have stayed with me so that I could watch him, watch over him, keep him safe.

I know the last time I tried to keep someone safe it went terribly wrong but I couldn't let anyone or anything hurt Leo. I didn't know why I couldn't let anyone hurt him but I felt like it was my duty to keep him safe. 'Maybe it's the debt I owe him for Alex'

There was a problem though. Even if it was a debt I had to repay him, I couldn't. He blocked me out, he ignored me, he tried to break off contact and he succeeded. Now I only saw him at school, and it hurt to see his state worsening. I know I had to look similar, given that we both didn't sleep, we couldn't let our wolves back in, not yet.

But even worse than the state he was in at the time, was his ignorance, he didn't even waste a l short glance on me. It was like I was invisible and it hurt. It hurt so much, that I wanted to tear my chest open and rip my heart right out. But I deserved his treatment, I deserved the blame he gave me because it was my fault.

About one and a half weeks after my biggest mistake, Leo reached his limit. He passed out in the middle of class. I knew I was close too but I dragged him out of class, no need to tell the teacher why, everyone knew by now. I dragged Leo into an empty classroom, to make sure he would be safe once he woke up.

I watched him sleep, I watched how he seemed to regain strength and how his skin colour returned from a bloodless white to his slightly brownish tint. I saw all of his features turn to their normal form. It reminded me how much I craved for sleep. It reminded me how much I needed to sleep.

I moved a little closer to him and let a finger trail over his arm. From his hand, over his lower then upper arm until it hit his shoulder. There it jumped to his face, where I let my hand stroke his cheek. The feeling of connecting our skin fulfilled me and I then wished so badly to be able to speak with my wolf for a moment. But I couldn't.

I had to keep Leo safe no matter what. I disconnected our skin, by pulling my hand from his cheek but before it left him, I couldn't stop myself from letting it trail through his hair. It was soft like he had just taken a shower and I figured he had, seeing as I took them more frequently to keep me awake as well.

And when my hand finally left him and fell to my side again, Leo started to shiver. Out of sheer reflex my hands tried to hold him, I rubbed circles on his body to comfort him and his shivering actually lightened. But it only stopped once he had grabbed my arm and dragged me even closer to him, before cuddling into my side and letting me hug him nearly intimately.

The position, the comfort, the intimacy, the warmth his body was emitting made it even harder not fall asleep but out of sheer will power I somehow managed to stay awake. And even though it was hard, I knew why I had to do it, I knew how I could keep me awake. It was all because....

...I need to keep Leo safe. 

A/N: Ok sorry for letting you wait this long.... 

"Update soon" ... sure as if I could do that -.-'

Ok I hope nobody gets pissed after i killed Alex and now drove Leo and Max apart but it will get better, I promise.

So happy reading!