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                                        Chapter 2 Squared

               “Limits to Rationality As Logic Approaches Zero”

Maybe I Love You - Lenka 

 Smalle 

Jeremy Smalle – Match Maker.

That was me. That was I.

I took my two sexless – borderline spinster – best friends, who also happened to be gay  and smashed into one another until they exploded; a gay big bang, one could say.

 Except instead of creating an entire universe, I created love. Love that will be represented by the metaphor of a volcano; an active volcano that spews hot homosexual love made of soft kisses and molten lava.  

Rory kissed Price’s cheek and handed him the yellow tulips. Price was smiling. He was smiling so hard it didn’t even look real. He didn’t even seem bothered by the fact that he was allergic to those. Sure, I’d have to dump those things later so he didn’t get hives, but still. The gesture was majorly coolio.

It was so incredible fabuloso that even the earth was agreeing with it.

The sun was in the correct position; way up in the sky, dangling by threads. It was this bright yellow ball of perfect; rays streamed down on Price. His eyes flared like to big brown orbs. I could almost see Rory’s face in them. He looked like he was glowing.

Even Price’s Dad’s garden seemed to look more alive today. The yellow hibiscuses were dancing the tango under the sway of the wind. The red roses danced the flamenco while the purple periwinkles just swayed lightly, observing the others like the wallflowers they were.

Rory whispered something into Price’s ear. Price’s smile faltered a bit. His eyes ignited and narrowed. That made me cock my head. But then they softened and my smile grew back.

This was happening. Because of me.

Rory turned around and faced me. “Thanks, man,” he nudged Price’s shoulder, “for making me step up and ask him out.”

“I’m one of your best friends, Rory,” I commented, waving him off, “it’s in my job description.”

Rory threw an arm over Price’s shoulder. My stomach did something weird. It felt like it folded in on itself.  I hadn’t eaten since Price’s little lunch, so maybe I was just hungry.

“So, uh, how about you go home and get ready and I help Price get ready and you two can go on a date tonight?”

Rory looked at Price. He was smiling so widely that it looked like his mouth was preparing to suck this entire street corner into some dark abyss. “Sure…” His Adam’s Apple moved; he swallowed. “Tonight.” He cleared his throat. “Why not?” He turned to Price and pinched his left cheek. “Why not take this…cu-,” he paused to clear his throat, “cutie out tonight.”

Price laughed and then coughed out something that sounded weirdly like, “go fuck yourself.”

Rory waved back at me and started crossed the street. I didn’t even notice his silver four door parked in front of the Mooners’ house.

Mrs. Mooner was in the garden just staring off into the sky. If that wasn’t alien behavior, then I don’t know what was.

Price folded his hands across his chest and started walking towards me. “Close your mouth, before you swallow a fly,” he said bitingly, as he pushed passed me, bumping my shoulder. “Again.”

“Holy shit,” I exhaled, tailing him, nearly taking off his sneakers from behind, three times. “You guys are going out tonight.”

“Yup,” he mumbled and ran up his stairs, with me not far behind.

“Jesus H. Christ, sound excited Peanut Butter,” I laughed.

“I am excited, Jelly,” he replied.

Price zombie walked into his room, while I skipped in. I slammed his door and posted myself up against the frame. “This is so awesome. My two best friends are going on a date.”

I swung from his door, and hoped like the floor was lava, jumping onto a pillow that was on the floor and then hopping one more time to the front of his closet.  I tore it open like they did in the movies and peered in. I threw my bag on the ground and started sifting through it.

It’s pretty amazing how different our clothes were. I mean, sure, mine were never going to fit Price. I was too tall and too skinny. He was too short and a bit round in the gut (that’s what midnight Nutella got you).

But still, all of my things were plaid. I had on a plaid t-shirt right now. Red and white. Price liked a lot of hard colored clothing. And T-shirts with math jokes that I didn’t understand, that he’d wear ironically.  

Even his shoes were different from mine. All of his were at least in good condition. Mine were beaten down and covered in mud, most of the time.  I don’t even think the shoes I wore could be considered shoes anymore. 

I had to pick out something great for him. That would make Rory see just how cool Price was.

Price was an awesome guy. Sure, he was a closed in freak sometimes, but he was also…just…shit…I don’t how to put it really. It’s like…okay, if Price was some kind of storm, he’d be a twister.

No one usually paid attention to twisters. They were the wallflowers of the big weather anomalies. America didn’t fall into some panic when someone announced a twister was happening, not like they would if a hurricane was brewing. They went through a town and then disappeared. The only people who’d even notice it, or cared, were the people in that small town.

I guess I was those people. At least for Price’s sake. He pretended not to care about not having friends, but Price’s eyes always dimmed whenever I said I was going out with a couple of my own. If this went right, Rory could join me as a member of that town.

“Can you get out of the closet already?”

“Soon,” I mumbled and grabbed a green shirt and a pair of black jeans. I threw them over my shoulder and picked up a pair of green tennis that I left here.

Price peered and got up. I turned and extended him the clothes, resting the shoes on the ground next to him.

“You’re okay with me dating Rory?” he asked.

“I practically pimped you out to him, I murmured. “I’m going to have to be okay with this.”

He waited. “Okay.” He took the clothes and started looking them over. He rested the shirt on the bed and held out jeans, surveying it.

“Oh,” I said. I paused and waited for him to catch my eyes. “And can you…I don’t know…sort of.” Blah. This was stupid.

Price’s eyes tightened, he darted them between me and the clothes. “What is it, Jeremy?”

“It’s…uh, nothing really. It’s really fucking stupid really. It’s fucking dumb.”

“Is it never not?” he laughed and sat back down on the bed. “Tell me before I lose interest in your thoughts and opinions.”

I stuck out my tongue at him, but still hesitated. “This is weird, but, uh, can you tell Rory to not throw his arm over your right shoulder?”

“What?”

I laughed, or exhaled, or cried, who knows really? “It’s…just that I’m always on the right of you. It’s like my post. You know, right hand man.” I paused when he folded his arms over his chest. “I’m not a psycho, obsessive creep, I swear. But, you know I’m a bit territorial.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “I don’t think I have to bring up the Owl Incident.”

“Oh, God, please don’t,” I gagged. That got me thinking. “Hey, and no bad mouthing me either.”

He raised a brow. “Really? Because that’s what I planned to do the entire date.”

“Ha-Ha,” I laughed, without a single dose of humor and averted my gaze from the smirking math nerd to the yellow flowers sitting next to him. “You should throw those things out.”

Price raised a brow. “What things?”

“The tulips,” I said. “You’re allergic to tulips, babe.”

He shook his head. “I’ll put them in the living room. And don’t call me that.”

 “Am I not allowed to call you by any cute nicknames anymore?” I asked. “Now that you’ve got a man that can whisper sweet nothings into your ear?” 

“It’s just a date, Jeremy,” he tried to remind me. “This isn't serious. We’re…going to test the waters. See what happens. No one’s getting married.”

I pointed. “Bro, never say things like that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s like foreshadowing. If you say something isn't going to happen, chances are it’s going to happen. Irony.”

“Jesus,” he sighed, “I don’t think I can deal with all this literature shit.”

“Well,” I yawned, it had been a long morning. I sat down next to Price and fell backwards on his bed. I closed my eyes, but I could still picture Price sitting next to me, staring off into his closet. “I love you enough to put up with your math equations and your squares and your roots, so you can put up with a little English.”

“I love you, too.”

“Huh?” I reopened my eyes. Price was staring into his closet. I got up enough so that I could lean on my elbows.

He looked at me. I could see my messy hair on his eyes. “I love you too, you fucking moron.”

I chuckled and fell back. “Obviously.”

When I got home, I  went into my room to get some sleep before I went back over to Price’s when he got back home.

But, before I could drift off, my door flew open and in stomped the single worst thing that has ever been created. “Dude!” I shouted. “Fucking knock! I could’ve been rubbing my chunky monkey in here!”

Micah snorted. “Dude, fucking Finland knows when you’re skinning your snake!” he yelled, nose flared up, eyes covered by his hair.  He headed over to my dresser, “You’re as loud as a whale and the wall separating our rooms are really thin.” He scattered a few game CDs out and picked up a few. “I’m probably scarred for life.”

“What did I tell you about fucking cursing, Micah.”

He spun around, dull eyed. “You’re one to talk. You using the F Word every chance you get.”

“I’m sixteen, you’re eleven.”

“What are we, spewing random factoids?” he shot, standing at the foot of my bed with a few games tucked under his arm.

I sneered at him. “What did Mom tell you about using big words to try and make me feel inadequate.”

He blinked. “To not do it when you’re around?”

“Can you just get out of my room, you little worm?”

“Fine,” he smirked and trotted towards the door, but stopped. “By the way, I couldn't help but notice that Price and Rory are together now.”

“That’s classified information.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He waited. “Are you just going to let them go on a date?”

I scooted closer to edge of my bed. “They are two consenting, teenage boys. Why not?”

Micah shrugged. “I’m just saying. I haven’t heard Rory mention Price once. It’s a bit strange.”

“I helped him noticed that they were perfect for each other.”

“Or”

“Or what?”

“Or…they aren’t actually dating and all of this is just a ploy for you to realize that you’re in love with Price?”

I snorted. “Micah, you’ve got to stop reading those slash stories.” He rolled his eyes again. “They’re warping you’re mind, man.” I thumped my skull. “Making you loco en el caheado.”

“Firstly, that’s not even Spanish. Secondly, you want to make a bet?”

“Well, firstly, it is in Jeremy’s world. Secondly, name your bet, you human pimple.”

Micah smirked. Usually, making bets with my little brother always ended up badly for me (I am still recovering from the last one that involved the band episode of SpongeBob and water based lubricants. Probably not best to discuss that).

“Before this school year is up, you’re going to 1. Try and break up Price & Rory, 2. Try to fake date a guy as well to make Price jealous and 3. Confess to Price that you’re in love with him.”

I wheezed. “C’mon, Micah. You’re making this shit too easy for me. One, I’m not gay and two, I’m the one who set them up.” I stood up so I could tower over him. “You’re going to down, you germ with legs.”

He didn’t flinch. “Loser wears a pink tutu to the mall.”

“Deal,” I answered quickly. “Get that shit in writing so I can sign.”

Jokes on him. I’d do that even if I won.

It was half passed nine when Rory pulled up and got Price. I ran to my window and peered out. It was dark, but Price’s home was lit by the Christmas lights that his parents weren’t willing to take down.

I looked for signs that Micah wasn’t crazy, but when the door opened, I saw Rory smile and Price hug him. Rory threw an arm over Price’s shoulder. His right. And Price didn’t correct him.

My shoulder. “Fucking fucker,” I caught myself mumbling and quickly shook my head. Price must’ve just forgotten. He never forgot, but maybe he did this one time. With something this important.

Or maybe he really was screwing with me.

I shook my head again. No. Micah was screwing with me.  He had to be. That kid was a master of putting thoughts into your mind.

They got into Rory’s car and were gone. I just decided to let this thing happen. Let Price have one night of being with some other than me.

Other than me. Was it…even possible that Price had feeling for me? He never mentioned it. Not once. Ever. And I’m a cool guy. I wouldn’t abandon him just because he wanted to eat things of my naked body. Shit, I'd eat things off of me, if I were that felxible. Hell, I’d tease him about it every day. I’d stick my crotch in his face for kicks.

Maybe I should tail them.  To see if they are actually going on a date or going to a secret lair where they can plan their deception.

No, Jeremy. Just let them go on a date. Micah is just screwing with you. Evil manipulating little brother, remember? Bent on your destruction? Would not be happy until you were strapped to a gurney? Right.

I tried to just sit in my room, honest. I even tried to do this stupid maths homework, so I wouldn’t be rushing to finish it the morning it was due, next week when school reopened.

But, then I remembered that I didn’t pay attention in class and I kind of knew as much as a possum did about it.

U = {1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10}

A = {2, 4, 6, 8, 10}

B = {1,2,3,4,5,6}

Find AUB

What did any of this even mean? Why use U? What were A&B? Why did numbers appear more than once?

This was clearly the reason why I didn’t do maths until Price was as well.

Maybe…I could text him. Just to get the answer to this one question. Real quick.

'0101001101001111010100110010111000100000011

011010110000101110100011010000111001100100000011

010010111001100100000011010110110100101101100011

01100011010010110111001100111001000000110110101100101' I sent.

 ‘SOS. maths is killing me’

I waited for him to text back. I even ran down stairs to get some milk. He never did. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Either he had been murdered, abducted by aliens (damn Mooners) or he was having a freaking great time with Rory.

I don’t know which one of those upset me more.

I knew where Rory took his dates when he was still in the closet. to a cool diner downtown.

I knew I shouldn't go there. But I was hungry…and their burgers were the best in town. And this was a free country to travel where ever one pleased. And, if a man couldn't eat a delicious burger, while bumping into his two best friends on a date by mistake, well, then the terrorists have won.

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