My legs were shaking as I attempted to stand to limp out of the Falcon. Chewie offered me a hand up, but I shook my head, gesturing to where Finn and Rey were.

"He needs you to carry him, I'm fine," the wookiee hesitated, even with my words. "Chewie, Uncle Chewie, I can manage, please, just help Finn,"

The wookiee stroked my hair for a moment, and I realised why he wanted to help my so badly. With Ben lost forever and dad... I was the last part of my father he had, and he wanted to keep me close. I realised other than uncle Luke, if that Hermit was still alive, I was all my mother had too. At one point, Chewie, Dad, mum and uncle Luke were like a family of their own, and with Ben and I we finished it off into a real family. Now though, it was as good as gone.

"Luce, come here, let me give you a-" Rey offered her hand out to me, but I shook my head.

"I'm fine, Rey, please..." I drifted from my words as I thought about how far from fine I really was. That didn't matter now though, I needed to put on a front, not let the Resistance see how hurt I really was.

Rey followed Chewie out but I hesitated. I glanced to the cockpit, where I'd left my father's jacket. Shivering, I realised I wasn't cold, but was starting with a panic attack. I needed the jacket to pull me back to reality, to ground me. Once I'd got the thought in my head, my legs were already moving, not shaking anymore until I had the leather jacket on. It smelt like Dad. I never realised he had a smell before but he did, the oil from the Falcon's engine acting as a cologne. I wish it wasn't just his smell that was left.

I carefully made my way out of the ship, the overwhelming sound of cheering and celebrations meeting me ears. I flinched, the sudden change of atmosphere getting to me. All around me everyone seemed to be celebrating, and even though I understood why, I wish they weren't. At least wait until our dead have been mourned.

My dead. He was dead because of me.

Was this what it was like when the first Death Star was destroyed? No, uncle Luke had told me about that. The way him and mum ran into each other in pure joy, wrapping their arms around each other. The way Dad whooped and cheered, engulfing them into a tight hug, hitting Luke on the back. The way they walked back to the control centre, arms around each other's shoulders, still laughing. The way that they never really let go of each other since, bonded together through one act of destruction which would lead to the liberation of the Galaxy. This wasn't like that.

I didn't realise I'd kept walking, walking through all the celebrations, until I felt someone grab me, wrapping their arms, holding me tight and close. If Dad's smell was the Falcon, Mum's smell was the gentle flowers from her perfume, and I recognised it instantly. Hugging back, I buried my face into her neck, shaking as she stroked my hair. I was slightly taller than her, so as I bent over she was on her toes.

"General Organa," I spoke, pulling away from her. I was still shaking slightly as I pushed my hair away from my face.

I examined her face, the hurt in her eyes she was trying to hide. The front I was trying to put up unsuccessfully was working for her, saving her true emotions for when she's alone. Of course, she was good at hiding her true emotions, she'd been practicing it since she was nineteen, since Alderaan. You'd think as a Jedi, I'd be just as good, but no. No matter how hard I try I can't hide my emotions completely.

"Thank you for coming back to me," she said simply. I wasn't expecting much more, I knew she'd say what she really thought when we were alone, when she could be my mother and not General Organa too.

"I'm sorry I couldn't complete the mission," I knew that if I spoke like a member of the resistance, the loss would hurt a little less for the time being. Well, maybe not, but we could mourn later, when we didn't have to be the front runners of the resistance.

"You're here, that's all that matters," she smiled sadly, and as she stroked my arm, I saw a glint in her eye as her true feelings threatened to show through.

"Luci!" I heard a shout, and turned around to see Poe practically  running into me. 

His arms were around me then, holding my tight. He buried his fingers in my hair, planting kisses on head as I stood shivering. I didn't really know what to do, not speaking, not moving, starting to get overwhelmed.

"Poe," mum spoke. She normally called him Dameron. Right now, she wasn't talking to the best pilot in the resistance, she was talking to my childhood best friend. "Look after Luci,"

"Always, General," he promised. I watched as he looked around, spotting faces in the crowd, and then noticing who was missing, the truth dawning on him as his face fell. "Luce... Oh, Luci, I'm so sorry,"

"It's my fault," I said simply, the words catching in my throat.

"No it's not," he shook his head, his face displaying a kind, reassuring smile.

That's what made me snap.

"Yes it is! You weren't there! You don't know what the hell happened, so don't you dare tell me I didn't kill my father!" I screamed at him. Everyone nearby went quiet, but I didn't care, especially when I began to sob. "It's my fault my dad's dead, and my brother! It's my fucking fault!"

I felt two more pairs of arms around me, being pulled into an embrace with the Antilles. One of them was stroking my hair, the other my back. Poe, however, stayed where he was, frozen.

"Dameron!" I heard one of them hiss. I wasn't sure which. "Get the hell over here!"

"Breath, Luce," I heard the other tell me, and I did as she said, shaking. I was a wreck.

"It'll be okay, it's okay," the two told me repeatedly.

I was too tired to argue, although I knew everything wasn't going to be okay. Nothing was okay anymore, since Snoke was winning.

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