Chapter Thirty Three: Scars
As soon as I was close enough Poe grabbed hold of me, sweeping me off my feet as he spun me round in the air. He laughed excitedly, and in relief to see him back safe, I pushed my lips to his, fireworks going off inside me. Except our happiness seemed to be disturbed by BB-8, the little droid rolling straight into Poe's leg as he pulled out of our kiss.
"Didn't fancy electrocuting me this time?" he teased as he set me back down on the floor, and his reference to my lightning made me narrow my eyes at him.
"Didn't fancy following orders?" I hit back, raising my eyebrow at him and I saw him frown in confusion. "You could have been killed!"
"But we took down a dreadnaught, Luce!" He tried to justify, but I just shook my head at him. "You know how much damage they can do, I saw an opportunity to take advantage of our situation up there and took it,"
I shook my head again, unsure of how to articulate the mad rush of worry he'd put me through, but by that point it was too late to say anything else to him and know it was just between the two of us, as that was when Izzy and Erika ran over. The Antilles' both grabbed hold of my arms, grabbing hold of me in an excited embrace, ruffling my hair, and yet again I was too relieved to see my friends alive to recall just how angry their situation had made me. I smirked at them both, sighing as I hugged them back.
"You're all a bunch of reckless nerfherders," I sighed in exasperation, hoping that maybe one of them would sense how I'd felt during their attack considering their Jedi training was just as extensive as mine.
"Get over it, Amidala," Izzy rolled her eyes, stepping away to stand with Poe, both of them wearing the same proud expression. "Mission accomplished, we're evacuated from D'Qar, heading far away from the First Order, and we took down one of the biggest threats they have in their fleet, what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is you all could be dead, and how many others died because of the mission?" I sighed, suddenly wishing that I'd stayed with my Mum on the command deck just so I knew the full extent of the attack. "Doesn't matter though does it? When was the last time any of you actually listened to me?"
Izzy let out another laugh, hitting my arm before she ran off to join some of the pilots. Erika hesitated, offering me an apologetic smile, and I sensed that she'd felt how worried I'd been, as well as the fact that she also didn't agree on the attack. Even back at the Academy Erika and I had always understood each other more than Izzy and I, the latter more set in her sarcastic ways, whilst Erika was more willing to see my point of view on matters. The two were so similar I barely noticed at the time, but Erika was always much more tolerant to my opinions, whereas Izzy was quick to shrug them off. That seemed to be true right now, as Erika's expression told me nothing but the fact that she felt guilty for following Poe and going against direct orders from me and my Mum.
"Hey," I nudged her with my elbow, offering her a reassuring smile. "Go with Iz, we'll talk later, alright?"
"Alright," she nodded, flashing me a grin before she turned and followed her sister.
As soon as the Antilles' were gone, Poe took hold of me once more, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, and kissing my cheek gently. Desite everything he'd just put me through I smiled, and I wanted to hug him properly, except before I got the chance to BB-8 had rammed himself back into Poe's leg. With a small chuckle, the pair of us squatted down, Poe rubbing his spherical body, tickling him as if he was a cat. The relationship between man and droid had always amused me, the pair of them having such a sweet dynamic.
"Hey, well done, pal!" he exclaimed, grinning as the droid beeped back at him, BB-8's response making the two of us frown.
"What are you saying, Beebee?" I frowned, running his statement through my head as I glanced over to Poe.
"'Finn, naked, leaking bag'? What?" Poe repeated, both of his eyebrows creased together as he looked between me and the droid. "Did you fry a chip?"
"No, no, Poe, look!" I elbowed him, looking beyond the droid and out into the corridor where I realised BB-8 was right. "Finn, naked, leaking bag!"
The two of us shot to our feet, amazement playing across my face, though Poe just seemed to be shocked before we both took off at a run because BB-8 was right. In the corridor, looking particularly lost, was Finn, my injured friend, standing in the middle of the busy corridor in a flexpoly bacta suit. The suit must have expired though, since the healing liquid was leaking, and it wasn't a particularly flattering look for my friend. That didn't stop me pulling him into a hug as soon as I got close enough though, thrilled to see him up on his feet after being injured by the man that was once my brother.
"Finn!" I gasped out, fighting a grin as I felt the ex-Stormtrooper hug me back.
"Hey, buddy! It's so good to see you!" Poe greeted happily with a small laugh as I pulled out of the hug, laughing even more as he noticed the suit had leaked onto my clothes, showing a wet patch on the parts of my shirt that hadn't been covered by my jacket. "Lets, uh..."
"We should go and get you dressed, I have your jacket in my quarters," I suggested, Poe nodding along in agreement, even though Finn still looked lost.
"Come on, buddy," Poe wrapped his arm around Finn's shoulder, using his free hand to take hold of mine, squeezing it gently. "You must have a thousand questions,"
"Where's... Where's Rey?" Finn asked, a slight frown on his face.
That was the first thing he'd said since we'd approached him and I wasn't surprised that he'd ask about Rey. The two of them were close, they'd been through so much together, so no wonder he'd be worried for her. It seemed like a long story to tell Finn everything that had happened since he'd been hurt, especially considering how wild it all was. Rey, a scavenger girl from Jakku, off to find the last Jedi master in the Millenium Falcon. It sounded a tall tale, and one that I wasn't sure how to begin retelling, so instead I offered him a reassuring smile as Poe and I began to lead him off to our rooms.
"She's safe," I promised him as we moved to the other side of the ship where our rooms were. "Poe'll fill you in, alright?"
Poe's quarters were right across the corridor to mine, the way they always had been, regardless of what ship we were on. It had always been that way, and made it much easier for us to be close by back in the early days of me being at the resistance following the fall of the academy, considering he was usually the only one to pull me out of my anxiety-ridden nightmares. Poe took Finn into his room to find him some clothes, so rather than follow them I went into my own room to change. I decided on a dark grey shirt with a high collar, adjusting my necklace so it hung neatly over the top, choosing a black skirt coming to my knees to go with it, pulling my jacket back on top. I changed my boots too, considering I'd been wearing them since I'd left Jakku, switching the worn, old leather for a newer pair that came up to my mid-thigh, the high length perfect for hiding small blasters in them. After reattaching my weapons belt, I took a moment, holding the sleeve of the leather jacket up to my nose, savouring the fact that it still smelt like my dad.
So much had happened since I'd watched him fall from the bridge, so much chaos to the extent I'd barely had a moment to sit and think about him. Maybe that was good, maybe being a General and being caught up in the middle of a war was the perfect distraction from my grief. The only times I'd had chance to think through the pain had been when meditating when seeing my Uncle, and after our last encounter I'd decided I was better off not reaching out to him again. Clearly my dad was not the only stubborn man in my family, and I had spent too much of my life trying to change the minds of stubborn men. Now was the time to think of those who I still had around me, now was the time to think of the resistance.
I spotted Finn's jacket hanging up on the back of a chair propped up against my desk, so I grabbed it before leaving my room, crossing the corridor to Poe's. Out in the corridor it was almost peaceful and I found myself forgetting we were at war. There were ocassionally moments like that in my life, they were common on Jakku when I was completely alone, and now I was alone again, even though it was for the briefest of moments I found myself craving to forget everything happening outside of this ship.
That was impossible though, because as soon as I was stood outside the door to Poe's room I could hear the two talking with hushed voices. Poe must have explained the whole situation to Finn whilst I was changing, but their conversation had drifted onto something else, something that included them mentioning my name.
"Did you know? About Luci's brother?" Finn asked, sounding as if he was still in shock, and who could blame him.
"Yeah, of course I knew," Poe answered, his voice sounding almost shaky. "I knew him too, back when he was still Ben, but after he... Well, after he became Kylo Ren, we just stopped talking about him. It hurt General Organa, and it hurt Luci, so much so that she took herself off from the Resistance. It's why she was on Jakku, to try and escape the memories of her brother,"
"To think all those years of serving under him..." Finn's voice drifted off, and I could tell he was thinking back to his time as a stormtrooper, thinking of all of the trauma that came with his past life. "I never once thought he would have a family, or people who cared about him, but Luci and Han..."
"Listen, just don't mention Ren or any force stuff to Luce, alright?" I heard Poe tell Finn quietly, as if it was a gentle warning. "I know it was a shock, but she's still really hurting over it all, especially her Dad, I don't want-"
That was when I'd had enough. I hated knowing people were talking about me, let alone two of my best friends, but I didn't like knowing they thought I was hurt. I'd spent long enough after the fall of the academy dwelling on the emotions of it all, and even though the thought of my dad's death made my chest constrict in anxiety I didn't want Poe and Finn worrying over me. We all had enough to worry about without my grieving process weighing any of them down.
I opened the door with a wave of my hand, and as I walked into the room I saw Finn shirtless, examining the scar Kylo Ren's lightsaber had left on his arm in the mirror, whilst Poe was sorting through his wardrobe to find our friend a shirt. That was until they realised I'd just walked in on them both talking about me, with Poe turning to me wearing an expression of alarm. Finn didn't look shocked, as he seemed to instead be looking at my face as if he was seeing it for the first time. He'd done it before, when we first met up with my Dad, and I knew he was trying to find the physical similarities to Kylo Ren.
"We have the same eyes, same big nose and we're both tall like our Dad was, but other than that we're completely different," I stated bluntly, rolling my eyes to distract from the pain of mentioning my Dad. "And I'm not as delicate as Poe makes me sound. Kylo Ren killed my friends, and he killed my father. He also happened to once be a boy called Ben Solo too, but he killed him when he went to the dark side. He's one of the biggest threats to the resistance, so just because he was once my brother doesn't mean we have to avoid the topic of him completely,"
"Luci... I'm really sorry about..." Finn started, a small, apologetic smile on his face though I could see he didn't know what to say. "Your dad was a really great man,"
"He was a nerf herder, but he didn't deserve to be murdered by his own son," I shrugged, trying to ignore the pain that crossed my chest, distracting myself by examining the scar he wore, thinking about how similar it was to mine. "I'm sorry he hurt you,"
Carefully, my fingers traced over the scar on his skin, cringing as I thought about how painful it was when I had a similar injury. I'd come to accept the aching, throbbing pain my left arm was often subjected to, my own being far worse to Finn's, but yet I felt so much worse about his. Maybe it was the overwhelming guilt I felt about it being my brother who hurt him. I was the one who taught Ben how to fight, and now he was Kylo Ren he used that knowledge to inflict pain and suffering on those that I loved. Ben and I had shared everything, and now Kylo Ren was manipulating that shared knowledge on his journey through the dark side.
"Here," I muttered, shrugging my jacket off and beginning to unbutton my shirt, and in the mirror I saw Poe's eyes widen slightly when he spotted my bra as I pulled my shirt off over my shoulder to show Finn my own scar. "A least we match now,"
Finn stared at the ugly red scar across my shoulder blade with alarm, and I instanty felt guilty. I'd only shown it to him to make him feel as if he wasn't alone in his pain, but as I buttoned my shirt back up, I realised if anything I reminded him of the First Order and everything else he was trying to run from. I could see he was remembering when we spoke on the Falcon, when I told him about the academy and how I lost my brother to Kylo Ren. He told me I'd avenge my brother, and now he knew the truth I could tell he now saw how difficult avenging Ben would be for me. Except Finn had been there to see him kill my father, not to mention he'd served under him as a Stormtrooper for years and had nearly been killed too. If anyone knew how truly lost my brother was, it was Finn, and to dwell on my loss of a brother when he had become a murderer and a tyrant in front of him seemed poor taste. We'd all gone through so much because of the man who was once my brother and for me to make a big deal over him seemed selfish.
"We should probably go find the General," Poe suggested, passing Finn a white shirt as he took off his own, throwing it across the room as he picked out a clean one from his wardrobe. He caught me looking at his chest and I blushed, remembering all the nights before Jakku when I used to sleep with him, using him as a pillow. "Something you like, Luce?"
"Don't be cocky, Dameron," I rolled my eyes, hoping he couldn't tell how attractive I found him as he buttoned up his clean shirt, leaving the top three unbuttoned so his chain necklace carrying his mother's wedding ring on show. "We should go find my Mum though, she'll be glad to see you, Finn, and I'm sure she'll want to see you too, Commander,"
"Alright, Poe's a Commander, you're a General, Rey's gone off chasing a Jedi master and the two of you are flirting constantly, how long was I actually out for?" Finn exclaimed, shaking his head at the two of us as we laughed, Poe leaning over and taking hold of my hand, squeezing it three times.
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