Everything around me in the Falcon seemed to be chaos, as Finn wrestled with Chewie trying to bandage his wound up, and Rey and my father fought with the ship to get it to work. I, however, felt separated from it all, disjointed from the mayhem as I sat by one of the smuggling pits across from BB-8, wrapping a bacta-bandage around my injured ankle, biting my lip to stop myself from cursing. 

I felt useless. I wanted to help, but yet I couldn't. I'd trained as a mechanic in the resistance, and I knew basic first aid, but Dad refused, telling me to just clean myself up. It was as if he was trying to side-line me, keeping me away from any of the action, and I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous as I glanced down the corridor of the ship, knowing he had Rey in the cockpit instead of me. She was more use than I would be given my injury, and it'd probably help to have fresh eyes on the Falcon given the repairs it needed, but I'd spent so long waiting for my dad to turn up for me to still be sat alone. 

I'd gotten used to being alone, but that didn't mean I hated it any less, which was why I was thankful for BB-8, the droid occasionally nudging into my side gently as I worked on the bandage. It was as if he was trying to remind me that he was still there, and as I finished up, feeling the healing fluid flow around my twisted ankle, I glanced up at the droid, flashing him a small smile as I patted his head. 

"I missed you too, buddy," I sighed, leaning my head back to rest it against the wall, trying to focus on the droid and not the crushing emotions of loneliness and nostalgia weighing down on me. "It still feels weird, being back around people. I always thought... I dunno, I always thought after I found my Dad it'd be much simpler. We'd go back to the resistance and... And I always thought Poe'd be waiting for me..."

It had been something I'd thought about a lot, my return to the resistance. I didn't expect it to correlate with such an important mission. I thought I'd just return quietly, my father and Chewie with me, only my mother and Poe waiting for us on our return. It was a nice little fantasy I'd made up for whenever I felt particularly alone or despairing over my decision to leave the resistance, but now Poe was dead, it was a fantasy that would never come true. 

Knowing that he was dead felt like a part of me had gone too, the exact same it felt in the aftermath of the academy, and maybe it hurt that much because both times I hadn't been there. I hadn't been there for Poe for the last few days and he'd been alone in death, and I hadn't been at the academy for nearly a year before Ben turned. 

I'd been off travelling the galaxy with Izzy and Erika, under Luke's orders. He wanted us to practice using the force in the real world, explore what it was like as a Jedi outside of the academy. It was tricky, given the fact that I was a target of the First Order, but even with the fact that I had to hide my true identity most of the time, it was the first experience of freedom I'd had since the resistance had started. To go out with my two friends as liberating as well, the three of us seeing things that none of us had ever experienced before, but even with all the excitement of the adventures, we were all relieved to be heading back to the academy after so long. None of us had been way for that long, and we all missed out friends and Luke, and I missed Ben more than I thought possible. We thought we'd come back to a hero's welcome, our classmates waiting for us. I thought Ben would be waiting for me. 

Our return wasn't what we expected, the grounds of the academy was silent, usually a place full of life, and as Izzy and Erika went off to find everyone else, I went to find my brother. He had been waiting for me, outside my dormitory hut, but he wasn't Ben anymore. The voices I'd told him to ignore for so long had finally gotten to him. If I'd have not gone travelling, perhaps he wouldn't have gone to the dark side, a thought that had tortured me for years. Snoke, the sith supreme leader had finally gotten hold of him, but Ben was determined to turn me too. He'd turned, but swore he could not do it alone, that he needed me at his side. 

Maybe I'd considered going with him, even if it was only for the briefest of moments, but I was brought back to reality by the destruction Snoke and the Knights of Ren had brought to the Academy. The temple was burning, the dormitory huts were all destroyed, and the grounds were littered by the dead bodies of my friends. Seeing my friends was a sight that haunted over me, but what seemed to damage me worse was how Ben turned on me. 

"Ben, please! Let me help you, I love you!" I had screamed at him, backing away from him as he advanced on me, a glint of madness in his eye as he pointed his flaming red saber at me.

"I don't need your help! I don't need your lies either," He had snarled at me, swinging his weapon, and it was only then that I extended my own lightsaber, meeting my purple blade with his red one in defence, my vision blurred by my tears. "Our family have betrayed us, they lied to us our whole lives, don't you betray me too!"

"You're my brother, I'd never betray you," I cried, my voice shaking as I was forced to fight back against his might. We'd fought together before in practice duels but never like this, never for life or death the way he was pushing me.

"If you won't join me, then too late," he affirmed furiously, and though I knew he would always be my brother, something in his expression changed, and I knew I'd lost him. 

We fought, Ben refusing the help of the Knights of Ren saying that I was 'his' to defeat. We'd always been stronger together, and it was a practically impossible fight. Neither of us was winning, until he managed to stab his saber through my left shoulder blade, damaging my fighting arm. I didn't know at the time it was permanently damaged, deciding to keep fighting until I was close to passing out, my entire body coursing in exhaustion, and maybe I'd have died that night at the hands of my brother if not for my Uncle. He managed to break the two of us apart, carrying me away to the safety of his ship where the two of us fled. 

I pushed my head down onto the tops of my knees, trying to focus on what was happening now, not what had happened in the past. That felt practically impossible though, my mind feeling like an echo chamber of all my past traumas, especially the memories of getting back the resistance. Poe had told me that the only way to accept what had happened was mourn, but mourning had gotten me nowhere. 

Instead, I'd been seized by endless panic attacks and PTSD my mental injuries being far worse than my physical ones. I'd wake up screaming the names of my fallen friends, not being able to stop myself from shaking, feeling sick to my stomach but not able to bring anything up since I hardly ate. Whenever I had a panic attack, I felt as though my throat was closing, making my chest heave for air, and I felt dizzy, like the weight of the world was crushing against me as silent tears would sting down my cheeks. When it was over, managing to eventually break myself out of the torture of my mind, I'd lay in my bed, questioning my existence. Why was I still alive, when everyone I cared about was gone, dead or disappeared? I'd be caught in an endless spiral of an existential crisis until Poe broke me out of it.

Poe had gotten used to my struggle, understanding just how difficult I was finding adapting to life after what had happened. I didn't expect anyone's help, but Poe wasn't like anyone else. He'd wake up earlier than anyone else in the resistance, coming to my quarters, and if I was still asleep he'd wake me up, pulling me from my nightmares. Most of the time though I was already awake, and so he'd lay with me in silence, his company being a comfort enough. Sometimes I'd fall back to sleep, my head resting on his chest, his hand on my back protectively, and those were the only times I'd be able to sleep peacefully, nightmare-free. Just being with him let me relax at a time that relaxing felt impossible. Regardless of who I'd lost, I still had Poe, though that wasn't true anymore, and only now I'd lost him did I realise just how much I needed him. 

"Hey, Luce, y'alright?" a voice called and I looked up to see my dad, a look of uncertainty on his face until he saw me grimacing, his expression reminding me that I'd not gotten round to wiping the blood off my face. "Actually don't bother answering, come 'ere," 

With that, he knelt down beside me, rooting around the first aid box by my foot until he found an antiseptic cloth. Gently, he began to wipe the dried blood off my face, and I was grateful he didn't meet my eye, not wanting him to see the way I flinched, or how I rolled my eyes at how he was frowning in concern. 

"I can look after myself, y'know," I muttered, crossing my arms across my chest. He let out a single laugh, raising his eyebrows at me. "But thank you," 

"You seem different," he commented, finishing cleaning me up, moving to sit next to me, and at his words I let out a laugh, one that hid the fact that I was on the verge of tears. "What happened to you, Luci? I mean, you were great out there, but you never used to fight with your right hand, and you seemed... distracted, not to mention you left the resistance. I never thought..."

"Yeah, well I never thought you'd leave either," I cut in, shooting him a sharp look, one that I immediately felt guilty for. "Sorry. It's been a while, I know, but a lot's happened, and at the time I was so hurt that I just needed to get away. I needed to find you, because I felt like I'd lost everything else,"

"Your brother..." he muttered, drifting off, the thought of his son clearly hurting him. "What Bala Tic said, about him wanting you... Did that bother you?" 

"Of course it did!" I snapped, before offering him another apologetic look. "If you'd have been there the last time I saw Ben, you'd understand just why it bothered me, you'd probably understand just why I'm 'different', too,"

"Just... Try not to think about it," he suggested, baffling me as I looked up at him oce again with a glare. 

"Try not to think about it?" I exclaimed in shock, fighting back tears. "Is that how you got through the last few years, by not thinking about it? Not thinking about your wife, or your brother-in-law, or your children? Is that how you managed to leave?"

"Luci,"  he began firmly, my words hurting him, but I could see he knew he deserved it. "I didn't want to leave I just... The resistance was your mothers, and it had always been her fight. She'd never had a problem with fighting back against what she thought was wrong, and it was fine with the rebellion, but against the First Order..."

"The First Order is just the same as the Empire, just as evil," I frowned in confusion. 

"No, because the Empire didn't have my children," he told me, and my frown changed to a look of realisation, knowing exactly what he had thought. "You and your brother were always so close, you had a bond that I couldn't understand. Sometimes watching the two of you was like going back in time and watching your Mum and Luke. I didn't think... When I heard about Ben, there was no mention of you, and I just assumed you'd followed him, or..."

My father thought I had become a Sith because of my love for my brother. Without realising it, I let a tear spill down my cheek. Dad thought I'd follow Ben anywhere, even follow him to Snoke, or to the First Order. It wasn't like he thought I was weak-willed and easily manipulated, but he knew my love of family tied me to Ben. Fighting my brother, leaving him behind under the influence of Snoke and the Rens to become Kylo Ren felt like killing a part of me since I'd promised to never leave him. Dad knew my dedication, and assumed it went far enough to the dark side. 

He'd not fought against the First Order because he thought he'd be fighting both of his children. Maybe that's why, when we first reunited, he told me he thought I was dead, because me being dead would hurt far less than knowing I was with my brother, fighting against our mother. Our family was torn and divided across the galaxy, but not in the way he thought it was. 

"I'm not like Ben," I promised him, seeing the sadness in his eyes, a sight I wasn't used to, not as he usually put on such a strong front. "I love him, he's my brother, but I couldn't join him, not after what I saw at the Academy," 

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that, kid," he said quietly, nudging his knee against mine.  I offered him a small, reassuring smile, elbowing him gently in the side. "How's your ankle?" 

"Could be worse, it should be fine by the time we get back to the Resistance," I told him with a small shrug, moving my foot in a circular motion, testing out the pain. It had faded considerably, the healing fluid working perfectly. I looked up from my ankle to see my father's face, his eyes widened at the thought of going home, making me laugh. "Holy Kenobi, Dad, you're so stubborn!"

"I'm not stubborn!" he hit back, before sighing with a shrug. "Okay, I am a little, but it's not stubbornness. I just don't know if I can face your mother again after all these years,"

"You won't be going alone, though," I pointed out, moving my hand to his shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Beebee-Ate has a map to Luke, we have a chance to make everything right again, and I don't want to do this without you," 

"Luce," he began, shaking his head.

"Besides," I reassured with a small laugh. "If you're worried about going back to Mum, I've been gone nearly three years, she's gonna kill us both," 

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