"Brought you some casserole that Carol made."

Abby handed it to me as I lowered my rifle. I've been on patrol for a couple hours now. Took down a few walkers but other than that, it was quiet.

"Thanks," I opened the container, "shouldn't you be at school or something?"

I leaned against the watch tower wall and started eating. A hum of delight left my lips at Carol's cooking. The woman knew how to cook.

Abby smiled. "In the afternoon."

Her hair was braided into one long braid. I didn't have to ask to know it was Dakota who had braided it. She was always more skillful in it than I was.

"Anyone caught your eye? I think Carl mentioned an Enid." I spoke up.

Abby rolled her eyes before leaning on the wall opposite of me. I took another bite and glanced at the walls making sure everything's in order.

Last thing I need is something going wrong on my watch. I'd never hear the end of it.

"Carl mentioned Enid because he totally has a thing for her." She explained.

Huh, I don't think I've ever seen that boy interested in anyone before. But to be fair, I was rooting for him and Abby most of that time.

"And you don't?" I shot back.

Abby shrugged. "She's kinda odd, not my type."

I hummed before putting down the container with casserole so I could shoot down a walker I saw coming closer to our walls. Abby waited for me to do one more sweep of the area before speaking again.

"I've been hanging out with Tara a lot, though."

My eyes narrowed as I continued eating my food. I didn't think I'd have to worry about Abby's love life for at least a couple more years but it was bound to happen eventually.

"Uh-uh, way too old for you." I argued.

Not that I could throw much of a fuss there, Rick was older than me. It wasn't a huge age difference but it was there. Maybe we just had a thing for older guys. Or you know, girls.

Abby groaned. "Hanging out as friends, you pervert."

I shrugged at her annoyance. If she wanted to make gay friends that were older than her, she could've gone with Aaron and Eric.

Though Aaron and Daryl had gone on their first recruitment trip together already.

Abby looked around before sighing. I finished my casserole and wiped my mouth. That was a sigh that I was quite familiar with. There was something on her mind.

"Do you think we can live here? Everyone seems kind of... soft." She said.

Soft, weak, pushovers. If they were put outside these walls, they would be struck down immediately. Yet they got lucky with this place.

"They're different, haven't had to go through what we did so they live by different morals." I said.

Or as I like to call it, living by the standards of a forgotten world. Their morals, though somewhat admirable, weren't fit for this world.

Not anymore.

Abby frowned. "What if we can't adapt to them?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat as she asked the one question I've been asking myself this whole time. The truth is, I was scared to find out what they would do to those of us who couldn't play along.

"We have to try if we want something better. I don't agree with most of their propaganda but if we can keep this as our home, then it's worth it." I said.

Dorian and Rhea deserve this place. I didn't get the chance to promise Ryan that I'd take care of them, but I'm going to act as if I did.

He wanted to be a good father to them. I would make sure he always is in their eyes.

"Rick thinks they need to change, doesn't he?" Abby said.

Rick looks the part of this place, but he doesn't like it. His tense stare at the residents and the fake smiles, they all give away how much he wishes he could do things his way.

But he's also trying not to be what he had to be outside these walls. A ruthless killer protecting his family.

"Yeah, he does. And he's not wrong about that."

Living the way they do, they're going to die. Might even take us with them. But pushing them to change too soon will cause them to kick us out.

So trying to adapt to them, it is. Until we figure out a better plan.

-----

"How is she doing?" I asked.

Rick sighed before leaning in to kiss my cheek. The urge to kiss him on the mouth was strong but I held back due to Glenn and Maggie being in the hospital room.

"Stable for now." He replied.

Tara laid unconscious in her bed with a gauze wrapped around her head. I didn't think their first ever run with Deanna's crew would go so badly. Tara injured, Noah and Aiden dead.

According to Deanna, Glenn and Nicholas had different versions of the same event. She said neither was to leave Alexandria until she figures out what to do. Or more specifically, who to believe.

"Have you gotten anything to eat?" I asked Rick.

Maggie adjusted Tara's blanket without saying anything. Both her and Glenn were silent while Rick and I spoke in hushed voices.

"I have to go deal with something first, but I'll see you later, okay?" He said.

I nodded as he left the building. This whole situation was getting messier by the second. It wasn't going to be easy coexisting with these people. Even less so than expected.

"Have you seen Nicholas?" Glenn asked.

I frowned. "He was near one of the cars."

Maggie glanced at her husband with wariness written all over her face. I shared it, but I didn't think Glenn would do anything rash. He wasn't the type.

However, he did see Noah die in front of his eyes. That was bound to mess with a person.

"Glenn, I don't think that's a good idea." Maggie warned.

His shoulders tensed as he glanced at Tara. It wasn't his fault that any of this happened, but I knew he probably didn't believe that right now.

"Well, I'm all out of good ones." He mumbled.

He walked past me and I resisted the urge to go after him. It wasn't my fight, but his. Whatever happened between Nicholas and him won't be solved by me meddling. Even if I really wanted to.

Two of our members had been harmed because of people from Alexandria. It was more than enough to rile me up. But I had to keep holding up the mask, to ensure our stay here.

I sighed. "I miss the days where I could just punch people who annoyed me."

Maggie smiled as I lowered myself dramatically into the chair on the other side of Tara. People call me a bitch to my face and behind my back, but the truth is, most of the time I'm not wrong.

Violence isn't the answer and etc., but it's the fastest solution. It doesn't require you to overthink your decisions and how it'll affect others.

Being a bitch has been the most freeing experience of my life. And yet if I want to keep the people I care about in my life, I have to learn to sit with this giant discomfort that negative emotions leave in me.

Most of the people in my life seem to understand that. It's why no one has truly ever turned their back on me even though I've deserved it. I didn't think a group of random strangers would ever learn to accept me the way this group has.

"You never could, you just did anyway." Maggie pointed out.

I smirked. "Yeah, well, I always got away with it."

Thinking back on it, Rick allowed a lot of my attitude even though the smart move would've been to put me in my place. The only person who ever called me out on my bullshit was Daryl and my family.

But with time, even Daryl sided with me and supported my decisions. It worried me, sometimes. That I had corrupted the only two men I had ever been with.

Or perhaps they've made me better. It was difficult to tell.

"I know it's been difficult for you, adjusting to living here." Maggie commented.

Her eyes softened looking at me. I fidgeted in my seat not liking that it was so obvious to everyone that I was trying and struggling. It felt like a magnifying glass on me at all times.

"It hasn't been easy for any of us. But I don't want to mess this up for our group." I admitted.

Each and every one of us has a part to play in our group. If even one goes off track, then we're fucked. Because this group isn't the type to leave people behind.

So if ones goes, everyone goes. I didn't want to be the one to mess it up. Even if that meant painfully constricting who I am as a person.

Maggie shrugged. "If they can't handle Josephine Malloy, then they don't deserve her."

A lump formed in my throat as I remembered Woodbury. More specifically my conversation with the Governor in which I said I didn't care what happened to Glenn and Maggie when he was trying to get information out of me.

The scariest part is that I meant it. Caring about others is a liability, always has been. If it meant protecting my family, I would've let them die.

Turns out, my brother died despite all that I did to barricade us emotionally from the others and their alleged weaknesses.

"There was a time I would've let you die if it meant saving my family." I spoke up.

Silence filled the air at my confession. It took years for me to even consider putting her life or the life of others in the same category as my family.

She didn't even flinch at my words. I know I wasn't being subtle at hiding that fact, but I thought she'd show at least some anger or resentment directed at me. It feels like I deserve it.

"You think that was a secret? Everyone knows how fiercely you love them." Maggie finally spoke up.

My shoulders relaxed a bit at her words. All this time I thought there had to have been a part of them that resented me for it. For choosing my own family over them time and time again.

"Yeah, but... you're my family, too. I just can't always see that clearly." I said.

When shit hits the fan, I kind of go back to my factory settings. Also known as, family comes first. It always had to.

Letting the others become my family has been expanding the number of people that could get hurt and therefore hurt me. It doesn't come naturally, allowing such feelings.

"You're there when it matters, Josephine. Everything else is secondary." Maggie argued.

I took a deep breath before nodding. It still didn't feel enough, but it has to be. For now, at least.

We stayed with Tara in silence for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts. The sound of a commotion outside made both of us tense up. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

We exchanged a look before quickly running outside. There was a small crowd gathered around two people on the ground.

It didn't take long for me to recognize Rick. He and Jessie's husband were fighting quite violently.

Jessie reached for Pete. "Stop!"

He swung at her making her fall to the ground. Using his distraction, Rick kicked him in the gut before getting on top of him.

My eyebrows furrowed at the scene. I looked at Rick and Pete before directing my attention to Jessie. She was crying while holding on to the side of her face that Pete had hit.

"Dad, get off." Carl said.

He tried to pull Rick off of Pete but in his blind rage, he pushed him away. I snapped out of it and went to help Carl stand up. My arm stood in front of him protectively, keeping him from trying to interfere again.

There's only been a couple of times that I've seen Rick in this state and it has never ended well for whoever was the source of his ire. A pit formed in my stomach as I realized he was fighting for her, for Jessie.

I didn't understand why.

"Stop it," Deanna ran to the scene, "stop it right now."

Her words didn't have any effect on Rick who still held Pete in a deadly grip. His face was covered in cuts that made his face bloody.

"You touch them again and I'll kill you." He grunted.

A frown formed on my face as I glanced at Sam, one of Jessie's kids, holding on to Carol for dear life. As we made eye contact, the look in her eyes told me everything.

At least enough for me to understand Jessie was who we used to be. One version or another. She was being abused, along with at least one of her sons.

"Damn it, Rick! I said stop." Deanna yelled.

Rick pulled out a gun."Or what? You gonna kick me out?

My breath hitched at the sight of it. It was my gun, well his. Ugh, the specifics didn't matter. He wasn't supposed to have it either way.

I couldn't resist the need to reach for my gun only to find nothing. No gun, no knives, no protection. For me or for him. He held my protection while threatening the safety of others.

Deanna hesitated. "Put that gun down, Rick."

Rick's back was turned to me so I couldn't get him to look at me even if I wanted to. In that moment, however, all I felt was a kind of betrayal.

Not only was he risking the safety of our entire group for a random woman that he's known for barely a week, which is infuriatingly in character for him, but he had also been keeping secrets from me.

"You still don't get it. None of you do! We know what needs to be done and we do it. We're the ones who live. You, you just sit and plan and hesitate. You pretend like you know when you don't. You wish things weren't what they are. Well, you want to live? You want this place to stay standing? Your way of doing things is done. Things don't get better because you-you want them to. Starting right now, we have to live in the real world. We have to control who lives here."

I closed my eyes for a moment. How could I have not noticed this for this long? He has never been on board with doing things their way. He wasn't even trying to. Hell, he had somehow gotten a gun from the armory.

"That's never been more clear to me than it is right now." Deanna replied.

I opened my eyes almost immediately. His speech was having the opposite effect. Instead of making Deanna see reason, he's turned her against him. A woman that was already conflicted about us.

"Me? Me? You, " Rick laughed, "you mean me?"

He sounded and looked out of his mind. Only those of us who have seen him like this before know that he just cracked under pressure. It's been building since Terminus, and it's what's kept him alive. What's kept us alive.

Yet right now it might be what kills us. Deanna will not let him stay if he can't abide by the rules and we won't let him go alone. Regardless of the dangers outside these walls.

"Your way is gonna destroy this place. It's gonna get people killed. It's already gotten people killed. And I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen. If you don't fight, you die. I'm not gonna stand by and-"

I watched with a blank face as Michonne knocked Rick out. My hand that stood in front of Carl lowered as I released a deep sigh.

There was no coming back from this. For better or for worse, Rick had chosen for us.