"You should eat something."

I jumped at the sound of his voice. Daryl lowered himself on the ground next to me. We made camp for the night and I volunteered to hold watch. I couldn't sleep either way.

I glanced at Daryl. "Did you eat?"

He didn't have to answer that. We both knew he didn't. Our food supply was almost nonexistent. Carol was able to snatch enough baby formula from Terminus for the twins but any other food just wasn't there.

No home, no supplies, just the road. Again.

"I'm glad you're alive." I spoke up.

That sentence was a huge understatement. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, that I thought he had died just like my brother. And that just thinking of it made me want to die.

But I couldn't say any of that. I could never say it to him ever again. Even if I wasn't with Rick now. He had given me his heart and I crushed it in the name of family. Only for it to not even matter.

"I'm glad you're alive, too." he replied.

A hint of a smile formed on his face as he looked at me. It took me by surprise. It's been so long since he'd looked at me in that way. Or any way, really. But there was a softness there now that I had lost the privilege of having.

The feelings stirring inside me made me get up. "I'm gonna go check on the group."

He nodded as I walked past him. Upon seeing me leave my post, Carol got up from her spot at the camp and replaced me. I was grateful for it. I don't think I can be in the same space as Daryl right now.

No matter how much I might want to.

I settled down next to Abby who was sharpening her knife. It was the same one that I got for her a long time ago. I didn't think she'd keep it for this long.

"Don't you want to get some sleep? It's a long day tomorrow." I said.

She didn't even flinch as she continued sharpening her knife. Every now and then she'd stop to inspect it. As if though it was the most important task at the moment.

"Did you put him down?"

It took me a second to realize who she was referring to. Ryan. My eyes closed as I gathered my strength to talk about it. Abby was with him before it happened, but it never occurred to me that she didn't know about it.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Michonne did."

Her hands stilled for a moment before she continued doing what she was doing. I noticed the way her chest went up and down. She was trying not to cry. The sight made my eyes fill with tears.

We never did get to talk about it. Three sisters with no time to mourn their dead brother. I didn't want to talk about it and neither did Abby. Dakota busied herself with the twins so she'd avoid thinking about it.

From what I gathered, Glenn was the one to break it to her about Ryan's death. When he escaped the prison, he saw his body and tried to get to it. But there were too many walkers so he couldn't.

Ryan would never have a grave.

"We can't dwell on it, Abby," I mumbled as I laid down on the ground.

She nodded before copying my actions. Under any other circumstances, her behavior would've concerned me. It was unlike her to shut down in any way. Arguably, she was the most sane member of the Malloy family.

But thinking about it would force me to face my own demons. And that's not a fight I'd win. Not now.

-----

"Who's the new crew?" I asked Maggie as she held Dorian close to her chest.

The baby cooed at Maggie as she shifted him into a more comfortable position. I held in an annoyed sigh at the sounds he was making. Both him and Rhea were proving to be quite a hassle when in the wild.

They take turns crying and attracting every walker in the vicinity. The smelly diapers and constant need to be held were also pretty bad. No one seemed to complain though and it made me feel crazy for thinking it.

"Abraham, Tara, Eugene and Rosita." Maggie replied.

I glanced at them only to frown. Not the biggest fan of new people. We don't know if we can trust them. They all seemed pretty shady to me. Especially the redhead, Abraham. His buddy Eugene was weird, too.

I glanced at the woman glued to Abraham's side. "I don't like the Rosita chick. Seems sketchy."

Maggie snorted at my comment. I was being serious. The new people were suspicious. Always huddling together and talking so quietly that a nearby eavesdroppper can't hear what they're saying.

Or so I've heard. I would never dream to eavesdrop on anyone.

"That's weird, you and her are quite alike, actually. I think you'd get along."

I hummed in response though I highly doubted it. Even the friends that I do have were gained by chance and not choice. I wanted nothing to do with anyone here and yet here I was.

"Help, anybody! Help!"

The yell for help startled me enough for me to automatically grip my knife. It sounded close. Whoever was calling out was screaming at the top of their lungs.

Carl urged Rick to follow. But after everything we've been through, all of this sounded like a trap. Rick looked to me for guidance. I shook my head in disagreement.

We had children to protect. Saving strangers at the cost of their lives wasn't worth it. However, Carl's pleas wore down Rick and he rushed towards the yells. I let out a groan of frustration before following.

Upon finding the source of the yells, I faltered in my steps. The others went ahead as I stared at the priest on top of a rock. Walkers surrounded him and one of them had grabbed his foot.

Abby grabbed a walker pulling it away from the rock and stabbing it in the head. My eyes narrowed at the swiftness of her actions. Like she'd done it a hundred times.

"We're clear. Keep watch." Rick said.

I looked back towards the rock to see the others had cleared it. I still lingered at the back of the group, desperate to keep my distance. The last thing I needed was another man of faith.

His choice of career reminded me of Hershel. He reminded me of the prison and the prison reminded me of Ryan. As all things did. The irony of a priest reminding me of death wasn't lost on me. I kept trying to forget Ryan's demise and all I've been given is reminders.

As the priest climbed down, his first reaction was to throw up. The entire group seemed to roll their eyes. It was kind of amusing. With everyone's eyes on him, I decided to slip away into the forest. Last thing I wanted was to be there.

While they're interrogating him, I can take a look around. Make sure we're not going to get ambushed. Daryl glanced at me from the corner of his eye as I disappeared from their view.

He was the only to notice.

The thought did not comfort me. Nothing did though. Especially not if it was connected to Daryl. Whenever I thought of him, which was often, I'd just feel guilty. For choosing to take a step forward without him, for not being able to tell him that I've picked another for myself.

Then I think of Rick. And how guilty I feel that my first thought was Daryl. The inadequacy of our match troubles me even more in those moments. Rick Grimes was the equivalent of a moral compass.

I was the opposite.

These last couple of years, I'd tried to grow and become better. In some ways I have, I suppose. Yet my thoughts were still there. No amount of good deeds ever made the selfish part of me shut up.

Every time that happens, every time I'm selfish, I look to Rick and expect disgust. Or resentment. The understanding and love he shows scare the shit out of me. Not even Daryl condoned my shitty attitude.

So having both of them just... there and willing to be there for me is too much. A few months ago, I might've been ecstatic but now there's just eyes on me all the time while I'm at my worst.

And I'll fuck up.

They'll see something they don't like and I'll be even more alone than I am right now. Physically surrounded by family and friendly faces yet completely and utterly alone in my head.

-----

"I've been back for a couple of days and you're already sick of me?" Carol teased.

I was sitting on top of a car surveying the nearby creek. A couple of hours had gone by, enough for the sun to start to set. All that time on my own and yet I still felt like I needed more.

The group, the kids... It was too much sometimes. Just too much.

"I could never be sick of you," I turned my head to look at her, "who else would put up with my bullshit?"

She climbed on top of the car with me while I glanced behind her. Daryl and a couple of bottles of water were lingering in the back. With his crossbow in his hands, he held watch to make sure nothing snuck up on us.

"A surprisingly large number of people." Carol replied.

I snickered at her words before looking down at my hands. It didn't take a genius to realize that Daryl had tracked me down. Not that I was trying to make it difficult to find me.

It just made me conscious of the fact that I really shouldn't be wandering around like that. My sisters could be worried. Maybe even Rick, but I think he understands that I can take care of myself.

Even if he doesn't like it.

"What happened to Abby?"

The question hung in the air as Carol tensed up next to me. My sister was different. At first I thought it was the time spent apart that made it seem like she was.

But now I know something changed.

Carol frowned. "I don't wanna talk about it. If she wants to speak to you about it, then that's her right. But I cannot."

I looked at Carol before taking her hand into mine. She squeezed it before motioning for us to go. Whatever happened wasn't pretty if it affected her and Abby that much.

The thought of asking Abby was nauseating. When she was younger, I could pretend to be wise but she could see through my bullshit easily now. I can't preach about things getting better if I don't believe them.

I got off the car before following Carol who was picking up the water bottles. Daryl lifted his head at the sound of my footsteps. I offered a mere nod as a greeting before we started making our way to the church.

The sight of it didn't affect me as much as I thought it would. I took one step towards it. Then another. Until I was inside with the rest of the group. If anyone had any questions about my disappearance, they did not ask them.

Though I did catch the look of disapproval on Dakota's face. She masked it when giving me food and wine but I saw it. I contemplated on a place to sit.

All I wanted was to sit next to Rick, feel the warmth of his body next to mine. But there were too many eyes that I didn't want on us. So instead I chose to sit down next to Glenn who was feeding Rhea.

I took a big gulp of wine as my spot allowed me to have direct eye contact with Rick. His eyes refused to leave me. It had only been a couple of days and we'd barely gotten a single moment just between us.

It was torture. Despite my experience with keeping my relationship with Daryl under wraps, it almost felt worse this time. Because I knew it wasn't just attraction between Rick and I.

He opened up my heart in a way that I don't even know if I'm ready for. But I want to be. For him, for us.

"I'd like to propose a toast. I look around this room, and I see survivors. Each and every one of you has earned that title. To the survivors!"

My eyes narrowed at Abraham's words though I did raise my cup in cheers. Still don't trust him nor his companions. The sound of Rhea cooing made me glance at her.

She was so small, so fragile. Looking at her was oddly comforting. It was almost as if though I was looking at Ryan himself. Split second of relief then anguish all over again.

Thankfully, Abraham's long and boring speech about finding a cure for the never-ending disease distracted me. He believes Eugene can make a cure if we get him to Washington.

However, they need the supplies and the people for such a trip. Specifically, us. It was clear he wasn't trying to convince us. He was trying to convince Rick. And it worked.

All it took was the mention of children and a future in which they are safe and he cracked. Perhaps that isn't the best wording for it. I know he's been contemplating it for a while now.

I wonder what influenced him to change his mind.

After finishing my food, I went into the priest's back room knowing no one was in there. It was silent and dark. Everything I wanted it to be. Well, almost everything.

I counted down the seconds until the door opened behind me. Long enough so it's not suspicious, short enough that I won't die of boredom. I barely had enough time to turn before his lips found mine.

The feel of his beard on my skin was familiar, though I preferred him shaven. I pulled him closer to me. My hand found its way into his hair while the other grabbed the front of his shirt.

When he pulled away to breathe, I let my lips brush his teasingly. "Hello to you, too."

He opened his mouth to speak but I tugged at his hair making him move it back enough for my lips to ghost over his neck. The shudder that went over his body was worth it.

"You're trying to distract me." he accused me.

I smirked as he towered over me. His hands found their way to my hips as our foreheads touched. We fit together perfectly. My body encased with his.

"You kissed me, Ranger Rick, not the other way around."

A grin formed on my face at the reluctant smile he tried to hide. I had a point and he knew it. As lovesick as he made me, I did the same to him.

It was exhilarating. It was terrifying.

My smile faded away and he took notice. "I worry about you."

I bit my lip at his words as my fingers caressed his cheek. He leaned into my touch, his eyes threatening to close. He was the anchor of this group. Without him, we were all lost.

"Would you believe me if I said that I was fine?"

"Not for a second."

A ghost of a smile went over my face. It died out as quickly as it appeared. I could be honest with Rick. Trust him as much as he trusts me.

"I'm afraid of losing people I care about. I always was but now..." I trailed off.

Family comes first. But what happens when there's people you care about just as much as you care about your family? What happens when you can't protect any of them?

I had everything I wanted. And it all crumbled to pieces and I was helpless to stop it. I don't want to lose them again. Whether that's because they die or because I push them away, I just can't handle the thought of losing them.

Tears gathered in my eyes. "It's like this heavy weight on my chest, and it feels like drowning. N-no matter what I do, I can't get air into my lungs, I can't keep you safe-"

The feeling of his hands holding my head and tilting it to meet his gaze made me stop.

"You've dedicated your entire life to protecting your family. Let me keep you safe now." he argued.

A part of me wanted to laugh at his display of heroics. Yet the determination in his eyes only made me ache to kiss him again. For not thinking I was being ridiculous or dismissing my worries.

"We've lost a lot of people, and I can't promise that we won't lose more. What I can promise is that I'll spend every moment of every day doing everything I can so that you don't have to go through that pain ever again."

His eyes softened as I wiped away my tears and nodded. Before he could say anything else, I wrapped my arms around him. He didn't even understand how much his words meant to me.

"Thank you." I whispered.

He pulled away, ready to kiss me again when the door opened.

Thankfully it was dark enough so that Sasha's eyes had to adjust to the room's lack of light and we had enough time to not look suspicious. I wondered if she'd be able to figure it out regardless.

However, she seemed too panicked to notice anything. "We can't find Bob."