Just when I jumped, in the hell of your heart; dark, unexplored, thrilling; I found it lost, as if it never existed. And You... felt like a déjà vu.

A week passed after that horrible incident. I couldn't drag myself to utter a single word about asking for his wellbeing. However, Mom checked onto me here and there, but she too just like such an intelligent person, didn't mention anything that could trigger the anxiety again. I hadn't gone out of my room ever since that day.

The knocking on the door dragged me out of the daze. It was my mom, so I told her to come in. But something wasn't right, hesitation was evident in her face. As I replied to proceed with whatever she has in her mind, the later part got me.

"Please, I know it is hard for you, but I guess we should, I mean you should too meet Zhan for once." She said, and to be honest I couldn't deny it anymore. Of course it didn't fail to make me anxious but that too was for not reaching out. Something was binding me from going to him, to face him but then again that was the same thing to make me anxious for not meeting him.

"I will go." I said to my mom, and without wasting any chance she dashed out of my room for prepare herself and all.

"I believe you have visited in this meantime... how is he?" I asked leaning on the car window, it was raining outside so we couldn't have the chance to feel the running breeze as we had to close the pane. The droplets of wet clouds reminded me of the day when I hurt him.

"I hate it, I hate violin, I hate music, I hate you, Zhan!"

Thinking of it, I couldn't help but chuckle. How ironic it is that I literally replaced the word 'love' with 'hate' actually. The things I cherished but stated as if I detested. How foolish!

"He is okay, and your throwing wasn't the reason for his fainting." Mom sighed while massaging her temple.

"So?"

"He was sick previously and was supposed to take rest for few days. But he was so impatient to meet you and came all the way that day to gift you that. Thankfully, nothing was serious and even they apologized for being so ignorant and not knowing about your injury."

"he- he came to meet me even if he was sick. And I treated him like that. Huh, jokes on my life." I laughed.

I laughed. So creepily that made my mother flinch away. Obviously, it was so weird for a person to laugh at such moments but I did. And of course, it would seem weird as they still don't know the full of it.

"We are here, ma'am." Our driver said as we entered Xiao territory. The main gate was guarded by security but as soon as they saw our car, immediately guided us to inside. Guess, we are familiar now?

Now that I see, Zhan has pretty big area and nonetheless there ARE sculptures in the garden as well which literally reeked beauty. Some were made of marble, some were of soil... some were just abstract. It was such a huge area that it literally took five minutes to reach the mansion by car.

"Mrs. Wang, I heard you came-" Lulu Xiao stood up with a polite smile as we entered their house, but soon was shocked to see me.

"Hello, sorry for intruding I-"

"No, no you're not intruding at all. Please come." She said while guiding us in. She was considerate probably that was all because how my mother handled it. But I was feeling ashamed. Of course, there are only few things I feel nowadays- guilt, shame, despair, void.

Nabi was drawing something happily on a paper attentively, but as soon as she saw me her expression changed.

"This human will not meet Uncle Zhan." She declared, to which I tiredly smiled.

"Honey why-" Lulu tried to counter nonetheless failed.

"do you know? Do you know how sick he was? Still, he went all the way to visit you. And you? What you did was hurt him?" said she, trembling with tears and eyes unable to keep focus with each whimper.

She was right above all. Nevertheless, I went up to her and hugged with all my courage, I knew she wasn't angry at me as she wasn't a stupid girl. But isn't this what love is? Blinding and painful?

"I am sorry Miss Nabi. I am really sorry for hurting your Uncle Zhan. Please let me visit him once, I won't ask again, I prom-"

"He likes you," She whispered in my ears as I was kneeling to hug her, "I am not the one to forbid you from coming here rather I will suggest you to visit more. I want him to be happy and... you too." She said hiding her head in the crook of my neck.

"Okay, and I have to admit you are really smart of your age. So do not cry from now on, okay?"

Hearing her humming, I flashed a smile that quite didn't reach my eyes. So, she is not yet smart enough to guess it huh? Good.

While mom stayed downstairs to have conversation with Lulu Xiao, Nabi guided me to Zhan's room. It was the corner most room and not so big. From Nabi I knew, it was Zhan's childhood room and he insisted staying there for ever.

The room was mostly dark except those few scented candles smelling like sweet vanilla to sooth mind. Then I saw- a slender figure cocooning himself on the bed silently, a white bandage patched on his forehead. The same forehead I wanted to kiss once now stained in blood all because of me.

Probably him hearing footsteps, he woke up. Nabi instantly went by his side and convincing it was her. She was about to call me as I was standing near the door, still couldn't find any courage to hold his hand without feeling guilty.

"Yibo?" he hummed, confusion and anxiety mixed in his voice. How could he know I was here? Nabi didn't tell him, yet he...

" Yibo? Nabi is Yibo here?" again he said impatiently, trying to get up. Dumbfounded and having not enough strength, Nabi was unable to handle him, so I soon went up to him and held him before both of them fall. And as soon as my hands touched him, he shivered. So, did I.

"I am... here, Zhan." I said, controlling my tears somehow. But he couldn't.

"Yibo. I- how are you? Are you okay?"

"umhm, are you?"

"Yes, is Nabi still here?" he asked, and Nabi hummed. "Nabiya, will you please excuse these uncles for few hours? I need to talk with uncle Yibo, okay?"

"I was going anyways, don't worry take your time and don't rush again. Else I will tell Zen everything. And you too uncle Yibo... I will be shutting the door when I go out." She said monotonously to which we chuckled.

As Nabi left us alone in the room, Zhan studied my hand and guided me to his bed. It was kind of funny how he seemed to plain the already neat bedcover before letting me sit on it. Only if he knew, how crooked, how disheveled I am!

"I am sorry I am late." I said.

"At least you are late, where I am not even in place to say so. How are you Yibo?"

"I am grand. How about you?"
Hearing the word grand by my own mouth made my heart swell for unknown reason. Augustus in The Fault in Our Stars used to say that.

" You know right that it wasn't your fault that I fainted. I was supposed to rest but I went to visit you so bad and had vertigo and... Yibo? Yibo? Yibo, are you crying?"

"I am sorry, God," I whimpered, "please, goodness, I can't believe I hurt you. I am sorry, I am so so sorry."

"Oh my, where are you, give me your hand..." he said impatient, frown messing with his temple.

"Here, Zhan you-you know I- I didn't mean it, it's just the trauma kicked in-..."

Before I could finish, he hugged me tight. And like a melting candle, I gave in his touch as if I was destined to be in. It was warm, soothing, and his alluring scent reminded me of the song Moussolou. A song that connects souls be it kindred or not. The song reminds of your long-lost place maybe from another place.

"Do not cry please, it breaks my heart that I don't have." He whispered near my ears, probably clueless how his voice broke in between.

"You don't have a heart?"

"Metaphorically, yes."

"Uh huh."

"Now let me wipe those tears, they are stopped right now right?"

And saying he went to wipe my tearstained face, but unable to see it his fingers touched my scar. Instantly, I felt how the panic rushed while he just whispered,

"Is it that scar? I heard from your mom."

I hummed.

"Yibo," whispered he, "You are- so beautiful! Damn!"