☽ ▬▬ nakaupo, tulala, nag-iisa sa mga
kuliglig sa labas, at baka naman, ako'y
pakikingan ▪ sitting outside, staring into
space, for someone might listen for once

When you have a Filipino parent, they never really call you by your real name. Runa might not have looked like it, but she was. Well, 1/4 of her anyway. Her father was from Italy and her mom's parents were Japanese and Filipino.

Runa's family called them Wana, because their middle name, "Aruna" meant "moon love" in Japanese, and in Filipino, "moon" is "buwan". So, Wana. Her full name is Venice Aruna Beltran. Venice because their dad thought it would be nice. And, of course, her parents met in Venice.

She was finishing up her dinner when her mother put down her cup of water louder than usual and pursed her lips. Runa glanced at her but thought nothing of it. 

"Wana," her mother began, "Are you done? We have to tell you something."

Runa glanced down at her half-eaten dinner. It doesn't look like I am. Why would you still ask? No, don't think that. You're a good kid. 

"Yeah, I'm done." She got up and put her leftovers in a container. As she bent down to put it in the refrigerator, her bangs shielded her eyes from the bright dining room lights. 

"Maria's coming back."

She slammed the door harder than she intended to before freezing, suddenly alert. "Maria? As in Kalinda?"

"Maria Banai, yes."

"When?"

"Next Friday."

"...Okay..."

The next few hours were a blur. Should they have been happy? Her closest friend was coming home. After 4 years, though, was it still home to her? Was Runa still home to her? Wait. Was she ever home to Maria? 

They wondered how Maria's apartment had looked now. Was it dusty? Did anyone still inhabit it? What was it like in Barcelona? Did she still keep the plastic bracelet they had gotten her for her 8th birthday?

She asked herself too many questions. She didn't feel happy, not excited, just...blank. Overwhelmed maybe? Yes, overwhelmed.

"Lina...?" They hesitantly pushed their older sister's door open. She lay on her bed with her hair tied up, surrounded by sheets of paper and textbooks. Runa knew she was busy studying, like always, being a college student and all, but she wanted to ask for advice, at least once. After all, they had always handled things by themself.  

She hoped that Lina would have time, and even if she didn't, that she'd let her in her room. Runa just wanted to be in someone's presence, someone who'd understand them. Of course, Bailey would be her number one candidate but her parents wouldn't let her out after dark. 

Instead, Lina pushed her borrowed reading glasses up her nose. Runa hadn't even said anything, they had just called her name. Lina mumbled a "Later, V. Sorry."

Runa nodded and went outside to the terrace.

It wasn't really a terrace. The second floor of their house was shorter than the first, so the roof of the first floor stuck out at the back. The back of their house was hidden by trees and a few abandoned buildings. A construction site was spread out nearby. No one would see Runa here and no one ever had. It was her little world. 

Her little brother was already sleeping on the bed they shared. After changing into an old shirt and shorts, she took off her slippers so no one would hear her. 

They quietly climbed out the window and reached for the plastic chair that lay down on the first floor's roof. It was always pushed against the wall so no one would see it. As they sat on the chair, a bird flew by, casting a shadow over the rusty roof.

What now? She thought. They felt something on the side of the chair. It was an old, faded sticker, but she knew where it was from. Maria had given her that sticker at a Christmas party. Runa had stuck it on the chair and promised that she was going to collect stickers, but they never managed to. 

Was she about to let it out? Lina was busy and the rest of their family wouldn't understand, so, yes. That was what they would do. Vent to the construction workers a few hundred meters away. Totally a good coping mechanism.

She sat cross-legged on the chair and pretended Maria was there. Her heartbeat sped up, but she didn't know why. She was about to talk to air, it wasn't like anyone else would hear. 

"...So, you're coming home now. Last time I saw you I was, what, nine? We haven't video called in 3 years, Ria. I missed you. I miss you. Present tense."

This was ridiculous. But they felt like they had to let something out, even if no one would listen. 

"Uh, I miss you. I hope you still know me. Maria...I miss your face and the way you laugh and all the nicknames we gave each other. I like you. As a crush. I know that...you know, some people might think it's wrong. I'm still trying to figure that part out, but I hope you understand what I'm getting at."

Runa liked her. She really did. Every time they talked over chat, every time they called each other, every time they'd see a picture of her. They had tried convincing themself that they just needed a friend, but was she ever willing to give everything away for a casual friend? Why did Runa only realize it after Maria left?

It was stupid. So stupid, and yet she let out everything she had kept inside for the past...two years? Three? Hell, the two stopped talking three years ago, so maybe that's why. Out of context she probably looked insane, but she didn't care anymore. She told everything to empty space. She talked about school, family, her volleyball games, her thoughts and the plants that her half-brother Benny took care of. She might have wasted her breath there but she didn't care about that either.. 

"And that's it. I don't know how you'll react, but one, I really, really like you. Two, I'm gonna tell you when you come home. And three, I..."

She stopped, looking down and searching for words to use.

"I don't know. You're just different from everyone else. I don't know what to say when you come home, 'cause I don't know a lot of things, but I hope you still remember me."

It was silly almost. She didn't like it when people called her Kalinda, because apparently, it made her "stand out", but she always stood out to Runa. She let her call her that, though. Was that supposed to mean anything? 

It was probably midnight already when Runa finished. The temperature had started to drop. It was always colder at 1 to 3 in the morning. She had spent so long there, alone. But maybe, when Kalinda came home, she wouldn't be alone anymore.