My mom never had the best luck with men, and it seemed that June was no different in that regard. Despite attempts not to, I felt this realization deeply. I worried. 

I need a lobotomy. 

Rest was restless that night, but Snowman was patient with my persistent tossing and turning, switching positions as needed with a purr and a blink. My favorite was when he laid across my neck, and he smelled like a warm baby. I inhaled. 

By about two, I was regretting bringing in the newspaper crossword with June's loopy scrawl at the top, because I couldn't stop staring at it like a weirdo. Seriously. Eyes closed popped back open to catch a glimpse of tangible proof that she existed. It had felt like years since I'd seen her - years since I'd kissed her and left her there, like a total weirdo. I didn't need or want a relationship, but panicking and storming off was seeming more and more immature. Being high wasn't an excuse, either; I should've apologized by now. 

When my eyes did rest for a moment, a portrait of June painted itself in broad strokes on the insides of my strained eyelids. Her new hair was adorable; alone, I could admit that much. The pure blonde was cute, angelic almost, but the red streaks brought out the dark flush of her cheeks, even in the dim car. Outside, streetlights lit up her shimmering blue eyes, glittering with green and hazel flecks. Tie-dyed and tide pooled; she sparked my ever-present curiosity. 

And my guilt. 

She remained on my mind as I drifted off into a dreamless, exhausted slumber. 

BEEP BEEP BEEP

"Fuck," I croaked with a stiff-legged stretch. Snowman groaned and stood from where he lay on my chest, yawning as he crawled down in pursuit of breakfast time. Orange light streamed in through my parted black-out curtains, casting a brilliant haze over his long, white coat and I sighed. Most mornings went this way. 

Coffee and a shower were an absolute necessity this morning, so I hopped to it. I stopped for Taco Bell on the way home yesterday, so I woke up feeling like I looked, smelled, and tasted like a stale Beefy Five-Layer Burrito. It was deeply unpleasant and needed immediate attention. 

Happens to the best of us, I suppose. 

Luckily, I always left plenty of time in the mornings and I was typically one to the first to clock in, so I tried to enjoy my morning despite the persistent nagging in the back of my mind.

When should I text her? What do I say? 

The decision paralysis of it all remained until after I'd arrived at work, as I looked through my day and sighed with relief to not have any scheduled euthanasians today. That lightened the load, at least. 

In came Sam; she was early, way earlier than I was used to with her. The trap was laid and I fell right into it. 

"Hey, Nate," she said as she approached the counter, a bohemian style backpack hanging from one of her bony shoulders.  

"Good mornin'," I replied. I looked around for an escape route, but there wasn't one. We were the only two people there, so far. 

"I'm going to make this quick so apologies for the bluntness." Her big brown eyes wore deep bags and veins, and they were deathly serious. I shuffled with discomfort, nodding. "Something happened last night. You know that. Thank you for helping her, Nate."

"Oh, yeah, uh. No problem." 

Sam placed both palms flat on the counter. "I'm done intentionally keeping her away from you and I'm done pushing her towards anyone. I introduced her to Moose-"

Moose? The fuck? 

"- and I'm taking this as a sign to just stay out of it with that. Be supportive but not involved, ya'know? So that being said, if you want to tell her about what you overheard last week, fine, but just hear me out." I watched Sam carefully, but I tried to keep my expression neutral. "I'm going to tell her that I fucked up, but right now she's in the process of... some life changes. Please just let me help her get on her feet first. I love that girl, Nate. Please." 

"Life changes?" The words tumbled from my mouth before I could stop them, breath hitched in my throat. 

"Yeah, um. I'm not gunna go into detail because it's not my place, but the idea of her situation that I gave you recently wasn't... isn't what we're dealing with now. Hopefully that helps with your decision too." Sam's starch-white teeth gnawed on the right corner of her bottom lip, deep in thought with her brow furrowed. Her purple smock rippled as she rocked on her heels. 

"Oh."

"So what do ya think?" She peeped with a grimace. 

"I guess that's fine." I shrugged through my racing heart, my stupid, stupid racing heart. I inhaled long and slow. The air smelled like cleaning supplies and pet dander, with a touch of hamster bedding. 

"Thank you, Nate," she borderline cried as she reached across, grabbing ahold of my wrist. I let her hold it for a moment, despite my stiffening spine, but it burned like mint on lips. Crisp and comforting and her eyes were so warm. 

Are we friends? How long have we been friends?   

To uphold my reputation, I pulled away after a beat. 

It's embarrassing to go soft. 

"Oh, and before I lose my chance. Consider texting her sooner rather than later," Sam said with a wink as she pushed herself back from the counter with a giggle, skipping off to start her day. Her black boots squeaked on the speckled linoleum floor.  

That was all the push that I needed and I speed walked out the front door in search of the crossword, which I'd lovingly - no, not lovingly - tucked back into my center console. My eyes scanned the small parking lot, scattered with palm trees and mulch, until I was sure that the coast was clear. I jogged over; my phone burned a hole in my back pocket. 

The unlock and hop into my driver's seat was quick, and typing her number in was even faster. Pounding thumbs and adrenaline; I hit send. 

7:49 AM

Hey, it's Nate.

It was many hours before I would receive a response, and with each ticking moment and passing appointment, my anxiety grew. To my surprise I didn't feel annoyed, but instead anticipatory: I wanted to hear from her. Time without seeing her made me want to know her all the more, especially with the new information and the way that she'd changed in the short duration away. It fascinated me. At the very least, I owed her another apology. 

I was eating a ham sandwich on a paper plate in the yellow-wallpapered breakroom, horrifically ugly, with both knees trembling under-table when my phone dinged. Bread caught in my throat and I coughed hard to clear my airway, but didn't wait to check.   

12:02 PM

June:

I don't have any money anymore. I'm so sorry! I'll pay you back as soon as I can or if there's anything that I can do for you??? Just let me know! I feel awful.

I thought she was loaded?  

For a few moments, I sat in dead-eyed thought, panicking and unsure of how to respond to that. The only thing I could think of was that I needed someone to care for Snowman this weekend while I went on a short getaway to kayak in the Everglades with Louise and Garrison. I'd planned on asking Johnny today, but maybe June could be trusted. After all, all she'd need to do is feed him and scoop the litter box for two days. I had cameras so I could check in on him, too. 

12:07 PM 

Nate:

You're not allergic to cats, are you? 

I took another big bite of my sandwich before dabbing the corners of my mouth with a paper towel. 

12:08 PM

June:

No, why? 

Chewing through a long inhale, I typed back.

12:09 PM

Nate:

Any interest in cat sitting this weekend? I just need for someone to come by and feed him and scoop his litter box twice a day. I'll pay for your time, too. 

My heart pounded in my hungry chest and I swallowed hard before taking a swig of water. 

12:10 PM

June:

I don't have a car... 😓

My own thumbs hesitated before typing the following reply:

12:10 PM

Nate:

You can stay there this weekend, if you'd like and if you're comfortable. 

Both sandwich and phone were set face-down on the waxy paper plate and I threw my head into my hands, resting my elbows on the table-clothed table. 

Stupid... Stupid... Stupid... 

The next five minutes were torture; I was certain that I'd overstepped. The sandwich meat was suddenly plasticky and the cheese curdled in my mind. When my phone dinged, I almost threw up. 

12:15 PM

June:

Works for me! 

The wind had been practically knocked out of me and I began to cough again. Down the hall, a beagle howled. 

June... June is staying at my place this weekend? 

 12:17 PM:

Nate:

Awesome, thanks! You available tomorrow afternoon? I can come pick you up after work and show you the ropes. Shouldn't take long. 

The thought of seeing her again so soon sent a glow down my chest before settling in my stomach, reminding me that I was in danger - not just me but my fragile balance. Garrison depended on me. I hoped that I wasn't making a horrible mistake, but I really wasn't sure. 

12:18 PM: 

June:

Cool with me! Thank you sm 

What have I gotten myself into?