• Alexander •

Another good day in the books for me. My headache was a little bit better, I had finally gone on different meds so while I was still throwing up pretty much everything, I was at least feeling emotions while I did that instead of numbness. Physical therapy is going so well, we've finally started walking around and continuing working on my leg strength. Even better, Eliza is coming to visit at some point today after her first ballet class.

I really did feel like I was getting better. The only thing that was bringing me down was missing my normal life and my stupid feeding tube.

Apparently, it's not good to throw up every single time you have a meal. The doctors seem to get very concerned when an already half-dead 18 year old with cancer starts puking everything up and losing more weight than he already has. Which means their last resort is to insert a feeding tube so I can get my nutrients with a little less vomit on the side.

Eliza didn't know about the feeding tube or the med change yet. I didn't want to freak her out or make her more anxious by telling her about it, so I was just planning on explaining it when she came in to visit.

I did have good news for her, though. My doctors and I had a very long meeting discussing the continuation of my treatment and finally came up with an estimate end date sometime in the early summer. So I still had quite a while to go, but they told me that I would likely be in remission and back in my feet for the most part by what was looking to be June 10th.

I knew that a million things could change by then and more problems could arise and that I could be stuck in the hospital for even longer, but I was so hopeful. I immediately added the date into my calendar on my phone, titling it "Home". Simple and something that wouldn't break my heart to push back. If I had named it "Celebration" or "Dancing with Eliza" or anything other than "Home", I knew I'd struggle with the idea of being in this hospital room for any longer.

I was so ready for this whole thing to be over. I knew that my life would never be the same, that in the next few years I could be dealing with this all again. But for now, I just wanted to close this chapter and move onto the next. Go back to my normal life and have fun and not have to lay in bed all day.

I heard a knock at my door, knowing it was Eliza and calling out to tell her to come on in. She opened the door and I could see someone with her who I didn't quite recognize.

"Hi love, how are you feeling today?" She asked as she came into the room and ushered the other girl in with her. She hadn't yet realized that I had a feeding tube in as she was busy putting down her bag and setting a restaurant box on a small table. She had yet to introduce me to her friend.

"Better than usual. There's some new updates that I'll tell you about after we catch up and stuff. How are you? And sorry I didn't say hi right away, I'm Alex." I told Eliza before greeting her friend.

"Theodosia Bartow, but you can call me Theo. We go to the same school, I just met Eliza at dance today but I'm friends with Peggy, too." She told me. I made small conversation with her before Eliza finally turned to me and realized the elephant in the room that was my feeding tube.

"Wait, what did I miss? When did that get there, what's going on?" She asked, anxiety immediately filling her voice. Theo told us she'd give us a couple minutes to catch up and went across the hospital to get us all some coffee so Eliza and I could talk.

"That's what the updates were. It's nothing terrible, don't worry. I wasn't lying when I said I was feeling better, there's just a lot of side effects of some things." I began to explain. The fear didn't leave her eyes so I continued.

"I didn't really tell you because I didn't want you to worry, but after all that stuff that happened before when I got to that really low point, they put me in some anti-depressants and things like that to try to help." I began.

"Is that why you're feeling better? Are they working?" She asked hopefully. I didn't want to burst her bubble but I knew that it would be fine once I told her about the med switch.

"Not exactly. Those meds that they put me on originally made me feel... just awful. They didn't help, I just felt numb and they made me super sick all the time." I continued.

"So what about now?" She asked.

"That's what I was getting to. I actually spoke up for once about how I was feeling and told Doctor Rosario about how awful they were. Then they decided to switch me and the new medications are much better. The side effects aren't nearly as bad." I told her.

"Well, that's really good to hear. But that doesn't fully explain this whole feeding tube situation, where'd that come from?" She asked, scooting her chair a little closer to my bedside. She glanced back at the table where the takeout box was sitting.

"The only thing we can't figure out is the whole nausea thing. The old meds had me throwing up every single thing I ate or drank, so they were pretty worried about that. But with the combo of that and chemo, they sort of expected it at first. When I started dropping weight super fast was when they got worried." I explained. She nodded before I continued again.

"So now, the new ones aren't as bad with that but I'm still getting sick a lot more than I was before any of this medication stuff. So they thought that a feeding tube was the best bet for getting my nutrients and stuff without getting really sick. They placed it a few days ago." I finished. She gave me a look that I couldn't fully interpret.

"I'm glad they could figure out a solution." She said, forcing a half-hearted smile onto her face. Her voice sounded off and distant, laced with concern.

"Betsey, what's the matter?" I asked. She sighed and shook her head, squeezing my hand gently.

"It's nothing important. Don't worry about it, it's just dumb." She told me, waving it off.

"No, no. If something's wrong, it's important. Nothing you say is dumb to me." I told her. She shrugged and hesitated a moment before looking back to me and answering, picking at her fingernail a little as she spoke.

"I dunno. I feel silly because I know that you have so much going on and so much to deal with but... I guess I just don't know why you didn't tell me about any of this sooner? I mean, from what you've said, this whole thing has been going on for a good amount of time. And through all this treatment so far, all these months - we've always been very transparent about it and you've told me things as soon as they change or happen. It seems almost selfish to feel upset that I didn't know sooner, but I just feel like I'm being kept in the dark a little bit and I don't know why." She explained, her voice soft and non-confrontational. She looked up at me with those gorgeous dark eyes and I felt guilty for not being more open with her.

"Hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't want you to stress about any of this or any of these changes so I thought it would just be better to wait and tell you all at once. I won't keep things from you anymore though, I'm realizing now that that's unfair to you. And you're right, we have been really transparent with the treatment and we gotta keep that up. I'm sorry, love." I told her, kissing the back of her hand because I couldn't quite reach her lips. She leaned down to me and softly pressed her lips to mine.

"It's alright, Alex. I'm just glad to hear everything's going okay. But don't worry about me worrying, alright? Even if I knew you were the healthiest you've been in your life, I'd still worry. So don't occupy your thoughts with that." She told me. Before I could comment, Theo knocked on the door and entered with some coffees in her hand before she sat next to Eliza.

"Sorry, I hope I didn't come back too soon. I hope I'm not intruding or anything by being here, we just thought it would be nice to have me visit and tell you about how much we all miss your presence at school." She explained with a small smile. Eliza began to smile too and moved her chair back a little so Theo coupled get closer.

"Why don't you tell him some of the things you told me at lunch?" Eliza asked her. Theo nodded and began to speak, her voice bright and gentle.

"I think there's a lot more people that miss you than you really realize. I feel like I hear your name so many times every day. I know we don't have any classes together, but some of my friends had some with you and they're always telling me stories about how the teacher said something that they just know you would've commented on or how they miss you starting debates to fill up class time." She said. I laughed a little to myself, knowing that if I could be back in school, I would absolutely be making comments left and right. Theo took a breath before she continued.

"We're all really hoping and praying for you, whether you know it or not. The entire school is behind you during your fight, and we all believe you're gonna beat this. Everyone knows how strong you are and your resiliency, so we know you'll be back with us again soon enough." She said with a smile.

I couldn't stop my eyes from filling with happy tears. This was exactly the thing I needed to hear, exactly the thing that was getting me to just push a little more every day.

My friends and I - other than Eliza - didn't spend a whole lot of time dwelling on the fact that I was dealing with an aggressive form of cancer and all the ins and outs of my treatments. We liked to keep things lighthearted and fun, so we didn't talk a lot about anything really relating to my cancer. I didn't hear a lot about things like this, about the support I had behind me. I knew it was there, but when it was vocalized, it meant so much more than anyone knew.

"Thank you. Tell them all I said that it means a lot to know they're thinking of me." I said quietly, looking up at the bright hospital lights to keep the tears in my eyes from falling.

"Of course. And if you ever need anything, I know so many people who'd be willing to drop everything to help out. Just let someone know and we'll get it all figure out." She told me. I nodded and thanked her again.

The three of us talked for awhile about Eliza's first day of dance, the girls in her classes that seemed a little odd and maybe mean but otherwise fine, and the girls' lunch experience. Eliza told me as they got ready to leave that they'd brought me some food and I thanked her profusely for it. She knew how much hospital food sucked once you'd had it for so long. I'd have to ask the doctors later about me eating it with the feeding tube and how that would work since I hadn't tried it yet.

I found myself worn out but blissfully exhausted by the time the door shut behind Eliza and Theo. Seeing my gorgeous girl and another visitor has really lifted my spirits and reminded me that I had people to keep fighting for.

I drifted off a little earlier than usual with the image of my classmates warmly welcoming me back to school, Eliza by my side.

a/n: depression level is an 11/10 which is why this chapter is genuinely not good. sorry everyone