• Eliza •

I couldn't wait to see Alexander today. Ever since the day of our fight, I've missed him an unusual amount. I missed being able to sit and talk about everything for hours. I just needed to push through the end of the school week and I would get to see him.

My Alexander-less week was filled with homework and tests. It seems as though every teacher I have thinks that Fridays are great for tests, meaning the majority of my classes end up with back to back tests. As soon as I finish one subject, I'm on to another.

Despite not talking about the anxiety with Alex, I feel more of a sense of peace surrounding me throughout my week, something I've been aching and longing for for quite a while. Of course, there are still moments that occur often in which I find myself beginning to panic, beginning to worry, but the thought of my boy calms me. The thought of talking to him again calms me.

I haven't heard too much from him the past few days, other than a couple things here and there. I know that his treatment and recovery is extremely taxing on him, and I'm fine with the fact that he needs his rest. I'm more than happy to sacrifice a little talking time if it means he feels a little better.

He mentioned new meds and more therapy, but never really got into it. I'm planning on asking him about it once we get a moment to ourselves. I don't want to make a big deal of it in front of the others, especially because they don't know a whole lot about some of those issues that he's going through.

These thoughts travel through my mind as I drive in my little blue car to the hospital. I'm convinced that at this point, I could get there with my eyes closed. I've been here far too much in the past few months. We all have. I'm sure Alex is by far the most ready to get back home where he wants to be.

It's just so risky for him to leave the hospital right now. His immune system isn't great, and if he were to catch even a cold from someone in his apartment complex or at my house, it could be really bad for him. If it happened at the hospital, at least we know that the doctors would be able to get him help as quickly as possible.

I owe so much to Alex's doctors for all they've done these past few months. Sometimes, I leave the hospital and one of them will catch me on the way out of Alex's room and tell me about how he's doing or how great he has been, despite some of the anger problems that have been coming up recently. It makes me glad to know that a lot of the time, they get to experience my charismatic Alexander and that they still love him - obviously, not quite the way I do, but still - when he's being difficult.

I turn into the parking lot and squeeze my car into a space between Angelica and John's cars. We're still waiting on Hercules and Laf, but everyone else is in the waiting room. I join them and greet them with some small talk. We're all excited to see Alex.

Despite the dreariness of the hospital, having everyone here to visit makes the place seem a whole lot nicer. When the group's laughter or talking fills Alex's room, it just seems right. Almost as if something wasn't really wrong at all. That is, until you catch a glimpse of Alex's bald head and IV's, and realize exactly why you're in a hospital room instead of one of your friends' basement.

Everyone finally arrives in the waiting room and we get the okay from the front desk attendant that we can head on up to Alex. I feel excitement rising in me, so ready to give him a kiss on the head and have a conversation with him.

We all enter the room and he seems confused for a moment. He seemed like he was rubbing his head or something. He must've just woken up.

We gather around him, softly asking how he is. Something seems a little off, though. He almost seems to wince away from all the words, as if we're all yelling to him from across the room. He probably has a headache.

I kneel beside his bed and reach for his hand, which he gives me after a moment of what looks like reluctance. Maybe something really is wrong?

He slowly starts talking, shakily and softly and I squeeze his hand gently in reassurance. He looks over at me for a moment before taking a heavy breath and continuing to talk to the group, laughing a laugh that doesn't seem at all genuine when they tell him about the antics everyone's been up to at school, home and in between.

A little while later, the group decides to clear out for a little bit. We all know that with all the treatments, Alex gets worn out way faster than usual. At that point, it's usually good to start taking a one-on-one approach when it comes to visiting him. Everyone heads out and rotates through each member of the group. I'm usually always first and last. Today is no exception.

Once the door is shut after the last person leaves, I look over to him. His eyes look glassy and spaced out, and his hand trembles slightly in mine.

"Alex, are you okay?" I ask, moving to sit at the side of his bed. He shifts a little to make more room for me.

"I'm okay, just... thinking." He tells me, meeting my eyes for a moment before letting his head fall back against his pillow.

"Are you sure? You've seemed off since we got here."

"I had just woken up, like, four seconds before you came in. And I had a weird dream, so I was thrown off. No big deal." He shrugged, brushing it off. I began to answer before he took a deep breath and opened his mouth again to speak, so I stopped my answer before it came out.

"Can I ask you a question?" He said softly. I nod and he continues, "do you think I've become awful? A monster?" He looks heartbroken as he asks this, looking so deeply into my eyes, and I know he's about to be hanging on every word I say. I feel my heart begin to break into pieces. As if a hammer just ever-so-slightly tapped against it, enough to create a tiny crack, an instability.

"Of course not, love. You're nothing close to a monster." I told him, giving his hand another squeeze.

"I don't know, Liza. I've been so angry lately, so terrible to all my doctors and nurses. What if I'm doing the same to you and I just don't realize?" He says. Another tap on my heart with that little hammer.

"Where is this all coming from, sweetheart? You have moments where you get upset, but that doesn't mean you're being a monster or being bad to me. And besides, you deserve to be as mad as you want to be at this point. You've been through so much." I said. He sighs and lifts his hands weakly in exasperation.

"I had this dream... nightmare, really, I guess. We had broken up because apparently I told you that I wished you just let me die instead of having the surgery, apparently I had told you that I didn't love you anymore because of it. And you called me a monster for it. How can I not be a monster?" He asked. Oh boy, the hammer is swinging and swinging now. My heart begins to crack in spiderwebbed patterns, barely holding up.

"Do you really wish I had said no to the surgery?" I asked gently, moving closer to him. He sucked in a breath.

"You know... sometimes, when things are just unbearable, when everything hurts and I'm stuck in bed and they make me talk to all these doctors all the time... sometimes. Sometimes I think of what it would be like if I never had the surgery. That I'd be better off... not here, I guess." He said. Yeah, the heart is just completely shattered now. Shards of glass explode inside of me and it feels like they're digging into my chest.

"But Liza, you come in here and you hold my hand and you remind me of how you love me and then I think, 'you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that I stayed,' I'm not angry the way I was in the dream. At least, if I were to be angry at anything, it's the surgery being successful. I'm not upset that you told them they could do it." He finished. I put my forehead to his gently.

"Alex, I know how difficult things are right now. And I know that I'll never understand it all the way, but I am so, so glad that the surgery was successful. You have such a life yet to live. And I'm here for you every step of the way, okay? Anything that's wrong, I'm here for you. You're not a monster, my love. You are incredible, you always have been, and all of this doesn't change that." I whispered, keeping my head close to his. He nods against me, eyes closed. I give him a kiss on the temple and squeeze his hand before someone knocks at the door.

"That's my cue. I'll be back in a little bit, okay? I love you, Alexander." I told him, kissing him again.

"I love you too, Betsey. Thank you." He said, a small smile moving across his face. I feel myself begin to beam, seeing this tiny display of happiness from him.

a/n: wow alexs struggles just never end oops