DakotaBrown5

Another one...After another one. Anyway another RFM for you people...ENJOY!

Let get straight into it! LEGO!!!!...I meant Leggo!

Title: GenuAlucard

Summary: In the year 2175, Genetic Vampires have become the slaves of humanity. Igor is just trying to live a life of simple servitude, but his master's daughter 'Maisie' has other plans for him.

Chapter One:

I'm always a fan of short and sweet Summaries...but I feel like there should be more writing here for the readers to want to press "read".

I'm confused as to why Igor cares whether their real or not. I feel in all honesty that the character who is a servant or slave to these people, would only concern himself with their well-being if it affected his standing.

I feel like I'm getting a lot of insignificant detail on one end, but being cut short on places where detail is greatly needed.

EX..(of how I would have written the opening.)

"Igor...be a dear, and bring me my makeup."

Moving quietly, with his head lowered Igor quickly picked up the silver tray that sat on the stool at the edge of the bed, and walked over to his mistress who sat staring at herself in the vanity mirror. Avoiding her eyes, he set it down and took a step back.

The only sound after, was the occasional tinkle of laughter from his mistress as she began applying the make-up he'd set next to her. He had only been ono the job for six months, yet he still felt anxious, unsure when he may be fired and sent back to the mines.

The very thought of such a thing happening, caused his stomach to turn. The mines were cold, it didn't matter what you were mining, the mines would always be cold, dark and the smell was always horrendous. Luckily, despite being a mining GenuAlucard, he'd been chosen to serve a household.

"Igor..." Hearing his name, he jerked his head up only to find his mistress eyes settled on him. She lifted up two tubes of lipstick, "Which one Igor...the black...or red?" She wiggled her brows, a naughty look coming to her face.

Seeing this, Igor dropped his gaze and stoically spoke, "Mistress it is your choice, but...," He licked his lips in hesitation, before he continued, "the red one would match your hair."

EX:ENDed

Author: Weave everything together, don't try to pour out information...weave, delight. There is difference between telling a story, and talking a story.

The bit about him reading those books, could have been shown after he retired or went to bed, that's a scene you've missed out on. That would have given you the ability to delve into his character and personality more.

The first chapter is meant to "Flash" the reader, just enough to make them want to know more, and more about your story...if you give everything away the who, what, why, when and where in the first chapter it's not exciting and falls flat.

DON'T RUSH!

And that bit about the brother being an Organic Chemist...please take it out...make him a phys ed major or something...it just doesn't seem believable.

I don't know if you've written fanfiction before...but this has the feel of fanfiction...not bad, but it's habits that a lot of fanfiction writers have that I'm seeing in this.

Chapter Two:

...Separate the paragraphs...I'm sorry but I don't enjoy block paragraphs.

Okay...so you're basically using the character to rant...Again a lot of information, but not enough story to make me care about said information.

I've reviewed someone recently who was good at "writing" but wasn't good at "telling a story" it dragged, and every scene she basically cut out by dumping information on the reader.

You don't want to do that...information dumping that is...Everything you right should have a point, the color of the walls...the feel of someone's hand...and always think "Is there a way I can show this, instead of telling this."

Even a melancholy story still has to be lively, and pull the reader in. I can't just be a pool of dark thoughts, and conversations...even darkness can be lively... (I think I had a point somewhere in there)

Chapter Three

The Problem I have with this chapter, is that...the romance between Maisie and Igor isn't believable...in fact I don't really see how it came about. Sure, he could be attracted to her...and sure she could be attracted to him...yet, it's not believable...and then again it is only the third chapter...maybe if there were more scenes that actually had breathless moments, and heated gazes I could believe it.

That's why I think this author is transitioning from fanfiction to Original work...because in original work you have to explain everything...whether by action, or reaction...you have to explain and have context.

In fanfiction you don't have to worry so much about the why, because everyone understands the context somewhere or at least the bases of it.

I really want this author to try to take an idea and have scene explain it. Instead of telling about how rough it is for the Genu's show me a scene of one getting beaten, or maybe have Igor receive a letter.

Show me!

In conclusion...

I really think the idea is interesting, because it's told from a males view instead of the females. So that's exciting, but I really feel like the first three chapter could be spread to five chapter if the writer decided to go back and show me and flash back me...stop focusing detail in the wrong areas, and turn you attention to putting detail in the right places.

Aske yourself..."Do they really need to know all this...can I just show them this later?"

SYWAR OUT!

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