calmingfire

Author: Yeah, I know...the emergency is now handled and taken care of....fully! So here I am back and ready to complete this lovely, request for torture and slick tongue BLAH! ANWAY...LEGGGGGGGGOOOOOOO SSSSSSIRS!

SUMMARY:

At twenty-three years old, Iris Alleyene isn't known to any government institutions around the world. At the tender age of eight, she was stripped of her fairly normal life after her mother's cover was blown as one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Now with the career of a high-profile thief, her identity remains hidden with the help of people she knows, and those she never knew existed.

One day, a man who is notorious for extreme hijacking and aquatic terrorism is assigned to work with Iris. Even with their differences and clashing personalities, they have to make it work for they will be enduring the next year side by side.

All the while, a sinister hidden agenda is brewing within the darkness.

Together they have to get to the bottom of the threat that opposes everyone's mere existence within the Ghost Society, and beyond it. Tensions will sharply increase, causing everyone to question the ones closest to them, and who is truly on their side.

However, the most underlying question is...who is even real?

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PRELUDE...GUH SO MAYBE THIS IS WILL GO TO FOUR CHAPTER TECH-TECH.

.... suggestion one...

"All it takes is one strike." His statement hung in the air, capturing the attention of those below, seeing they were all now looking at him he continued. "And a dealer is out, being an artifact dealer...etc. etc."

I don't know if you meant to have sentences hanging in the air...its makes for awkward reading.

So far interesting opening.

So far I'm interested...but, I will say If you trying to grab a certain age rain the only thing I would suggest is adding an almost dark fantasy aspect to the story. And by story, I mean more along the lines of storytelling.

It's interesting...but stiff. <<<<Like you worried about each word.

CHAPTER ONE

...When you said "Accident" it would have been fun for another character to mention she'd broken her other trainer's arms.

Show me, don't tell me.

.... A list of her accomplishments....no, I don't like it. Show me she's amazing. Give me a flash back of her childhood.

I.... Um, everything so far from the work out, to sex, to her hair getting done makes me feel like I'm being dragged away from the genre of the story.

This...this is...*pauses, and sighs* no matter how I say this, this will sound bad but.... I don't really care about her hair or her sex life.... What I want to know about is the agency. Why she works for them...and a head dive into the plot line.

Suggestion.... I need you to open with something a lot more focused on her job. Sex talk and a work out scene can come later, plus you can even give me flash backs and use other characters to tell me about her life style.

I don't have an issue with sex lmao last one to have the issue, but....but, I do have this thing when in the first chapters of the story the black female lead is already speaking about how she needs a man in her life. It's a personal pet peeve of my own warped personality.

A little bit too much added information...

Okay....I'm glad we're in my favorite part...WEAPONS!!!

WAIT!!! She has family?!

CHAPTER TWO

..Now she has friends...um >.> I thought she was some super, secret, un known thief who worked solo dolo...?

Their relationship is interesting...

I feel like this Author bumps against something that could be interesting, and bypasses it and then delves into something that readers don't really need. Like it would have been hilarious if Rehmi and she were arguing, and something crazy happened but they still were arguing.

Action!!! Is what I need....I need it!

Everything is being explained...but I need us there already, I need us walking into the Agency, and busting heads.

I need meeting these annoying people, in fact I don't need to know about them till they are in the scene, and then, then have their behavior tell their personality and relationship with Iris.

I can't enjoy the story, when I 'm being told everything and we haven't laughed, or been annoyed along with the character towards the other characters.

YES!!!

ACTION!!!

...She's also geek head...tsk!

...Well, she's been there a minute lol, must be like a deserted area of Thailand.

...She killed all of them?? *Squints eyes*

CHAPTER THREE

If this character "surprisingly" develops one more SKILL...I WILL RANT...I SWEAR I'LL RANT!

Rehmi is funny but...if she was a little bit more air headed I think that would up the humor for me.

Honesty 1000>>>>

I'm not having fun as a reader, reading this for the simple reason that it feels like aside from the obvious mystery. Everything is being handed to me. Background, character stats every single, little thing is being slid towards me on a silver trey.

The story isn't bad! First and foremost, it's interesting, and it has amazing potential. But when you tell me it's action, and Thriller. I expect the story to open with Action and Thriller, it felt more along the lines especially in chapter one, like the opening to an erotica novel, (not knocking those novels kekekeke) but as a reader if I clicked on this story, I want to immediately meet the face of the genre.

Doesn't mean you have to give all the "bad ass" scenes right away but, as I suggested earlier this story would have probably an influx of readers if the opening started with her stealing something, or her at work talking to Gabriel.

(If you need a loose, very loose example check out Case of Miss Five )

YAY She's doing thief stuff WOOHOO!! *SMILES* but seriously, woohoo...ah, very...technical...umm, I need some spice girly, I love that you know all this stuff, but...I need entertainment.... entertain me.

Anyway *WAVES ARMS!!

Okay, soo here we are at the end of the review rode....

Love it, Hate it.... tell me what you think in the comments below.

This story is building up to be one of the serious Action stories, that I feel with a little work will become popular.

SYWAR OUT!!