MykelaBrown

Okay, here we are another one, for someone whose been deep breathing, and having small panic attacks, once she realized what SYWAR really was. Lol, ~~~Anyways lets le'goo!

Summary { Monster- (n.)3. any animal or human grotesquely deviating from the normal shape, behavior, or character. A monster can manifest into anyone or everyone with enough trauma. A monster is always cold. A monster has the ability to spread its sickness. These are the misplaced and misguided morals that we've made ourselves live by. But, everyone is a monster, they just don't realize it. They also don't realize that self recognized monsters feel pain to, they just know how to hide it better.

Maybe when there's enough red, they'll try to understand. Things like being wicked, evil, or a monster aren't ever simple things but, so complex we still aren't fit to recognize them. Love. Love is when you see that person's ugliness and monstrous personality and is still able to love them with all of your heart. This is the tale of a girl who changed. A boy with a discarded name. And another girl who loves him monster and all. It's hard to feel empathy for a murderer. For a person whose commited a sin that makes the "good folk" want to kill them. A sin that's common knowledge of being the worst that anyone can or should commit}

Chapter one

The thought change, from the man telling the story to the boy experiencing should have been done better... lol, like I can talk.

Yet, here was chance to open a world of Israel to us for instance.

The market was being beaten by the sun above, the taste of caramel given by a granny coated my tongue. The sweetness of the treat made me smile, and I waved to another elderly man as I walked around the corner towards the merchant who sold the pomelo. The sand swirled up as the winds caused the overhanging jump and down, as if they were attempting to fly away into the broad blue sky.

After waiting for a heavily covered woman, to grab her items and finish with purchasing her items. I stepped forward, eager to complete this task for my father.

I gave the man the piece of paper my father had written on, to tell him what I needed. The old man, took the paper his heavily tanned face, has wrinkles about the eyes that crinkled as he narrowed them to read. Muttering something in our language, he walked toward the back of his tent. And picking up a bag, that in my young mind I could only assume held what I need he returned, and eyed me kindly. "So, what is the name of the boy who comes here to shop for his father?" His asked his voice kind.

I straightened to my full height, though it barely reached the man's knees, and said loudly, "Benoni!"

The old man blinked, and his eyes turned sad suddenly and a weary form of pity caused his lips to purse. He slowly asked, as if scared to fright me, "Do," he paused and licked his chapped lips, "Do you know what the name means in our tongue Benoni?"

I shook my head, my chest deflating as I felt something bad in the air. Suddenly a cloud crawled forth, and blotted out the sun, "No." I said again, in my child's voice.

He sighed heavily, rubbing a hand over his long beard before he told me, "It means son of my sorrows."

Somehow, I had known it wasn't something to take pride in. The active sound of merchants calling out the customers, and children laughing crying faded and even the sweet taste of caramel turned to dust in my mouth.

I lowered my head, hiding my expression and attempting to hold back the tears and took the pomelo from the man, the nameless man who had unwittingly revealed my father true feelings about me.

You should have taken advantage of the scene, to give your readers a thorough experience, as well as give a little background to his culture, the ways of his people. The melodrama was good, but you didn't take great advantage of it.

Chapter Two

Again, this was too simply done, as if the writer fears to truly take you through the seen.You should talk about what remembering the scene does to him, how the crimson blood of his enemy covering the floor made him feel euphoric like reclaiming his dignity and pride.

I was confused by the line... "That day, that was actually a night when to put it simply my father's pilot was a pedophile without much of a penis."

What? To put it simply, is "Child Rapist." I mean the opening of this scene was confusing, and the rape was excruciatingly quick.

Sure in real life we don't want to drift over it, but this is horror, and the whole point is that these moments in his life created the monster, so in result you have to go over every detail, and extend a moment into an hour.

Like I said before, the writer rushed through ...there seems a bit of fear in the air, *Sniffs, sniffs* sry, that's my turkey burger.

Chapter three

I have to say there is weirdness in the switching between views, between the author telling the story, and the character telling the story. I will advise the author to take a real look at her chapters, and see if she can do a better job with the change overs. Because if you will stick to his view, stick with it, and learn how to describe other people through him, and his ideal.

So as it always come's the end to the review, and as this is horror it does have disturbing scenes, like the rape and murder I mention, this story does need some work, but I am sucker for fucked up male love interest it's my weakness. Anyway I think my horror buddies would love this, RED go check it out!.

Don't just trust my lovable, and honest opinion.

SYWAR OUT!!!