Dido-belle32

Another one...back to back bros, and sisters. LOL I want to focus on my stories this weekend, so here we go

{Summary: A young Haitian native questions her sexuality she doesn't desire men or women yet she tugs on her tie and puts on her slacks. A manhattan male model crossed her path questioning wether she was a female at all. A drunken night with one of his co models decides a challenge is in order to change this cross dressing tomboy into a sophisticated gorgeous woman at all costs.

But they don't know a thing about her or why she's even the way she is.}

Chapter One

Hatian...I've no back ground with it, so this will be fun for me *Smiles brightly*

Truth, about those taxes.

I'll be super honest, there something off in the writing like...

"Jessana sighed over her state in life. It wasn't that she didn't wish to support her family back in Haiti, but it was beginning to weigh on her, the pressure that it. She couldn't seem to catch a break. With another sister needing to enter a protected school, and her mother's near hysteria over the ebola break out. The weight of responsibility on her shoulders was becoming a crushing weight around her neck.

Tucking a piece of her hair under her cap, she let out a frustrated growl, when the same piece of hair fell once again.  It was as frustrating as having to repeatedly tell her mother not to panic, and to stay calm, and that everything would be okay. Not to mention, "No, you won't catch ebola." The words had become her catch phrase.

The door behind her opened, she didn't bother to turn around.

"Jessana," A heavily accented voice spoke, "Have you fixed you appearance yet?"

Turning her eyes away from her tired expression in the mirror, Jessan face her Spanish friend Saucy, the curvy, rave haired beauty frowned at her.

"I wish you'd wear something sexy once and while." Saucy said in annoyance.

Jessena gave her a blank look, "At work?"

Saucy rolled her eyes, sucking her teeth, "You know what I mean." ETC

Ist  chapter is very, very...so long in fact that I'm literally glancing at the clock.

I will say the tense needs to applied all along the way. If it's too hard to right from an omnipotent view, you can switch to 'I'  I would suggest you read it aloud.

I hate that I'm being rushed out, bu~~~T I did enjoy the first chapter. And I do love the fact that our character isn't you're regular heroine, if anything it's going to be interesting to see how the two actually come together.

ANYWAYS!!!

SEXY WINS!! GO CHECK IT OUT, THIS GIRL IS A HEFTY WRITER. SHE WON'T DISAPOINT YOU IN THE AMOUNT MODE. SO ENJOY IT...ALSO I WILL BE DOING A PART TWO TO THIS LOL COMPUTER HOURS SUCK!

SYWAR OUT!

PART TWO OF A MOST ANTICIPATED REVIEW...BLAH, BLAH , BLAH LEEEE~TS  GET TO IT!!

CHAPTER TWO

So to start off....it's the same thing...it's past tense, and present tense mix that throws off the story telling. Surely, a few it's or I's and adding of 'eds will move this story from causing me to re-read, and catapult me forward.

But alas I mentioned that earlier, that verbage is being misused, and that going back and reading it aloud would dispel certain mistakes. 

EXAMPLE...IF I MUST....

Original: Jessana stared blankly, her hands forming into a tight fist in her pockets. Black shoes shining from hours of polishing last night hunched over a small white sink. Suit jacket ironed for hours, she even replaced the buttons on her white oxford shirt because they looked dated. All for this inconsiderate boy who tried to embarrass her about her wardrobe.

NEW VS:  Jessana stared at him blankly, her hands forming into tight fist in her pockets. Her black shoes were shining from the hours she'd spent shining them, hunched over a sink. Her suit jacket held no wrinkles, after she'd spent nearly another hour ironing it to perfection. She had even taken the initiative in switching her buttons out  for new ones for her white oxford shirt, because they had looked dated. She'd done all of that for the very man who'd tried to embarrass her earlier.  

*****Moving on...~~~LALALA

AHA!!! I now know whats throwing me for spin...the switching between the povs isn't smooth. The writer,( from my holy view point) is attempting to tell you everything that's going on in the room, plus, PLUS! the characters view point. 

Yah, gotta choose whose head you want us in...plus, if your going to move from vp to vp, your have to do it casually and its shows your not by the rough tense exchange.

>.< I'm...not getting their holier than though attitude, towards dory...but~~~ knowing me...I'm missing something.[>_<]'....as usual lol. 

Note: when this author goes into reminisce mode...I'm honestly draw in, the lyrical writing about her grandfather shirt, she has to pile up to create a pillor...loo~~~VEd it!

OOOH Saucy yoooooze a hoe mmmmMMMMMM, see she was too quick to point that finger.Guuuuurlll, nope, not today!

Saucy. Is. Not. My friend. I repeat, hoe'is not my friend...*Stank face*

Soo...its official, I've read this story and might've liked it...alittle...some...anyway! the point is this story leaves me this sensation called, "I wish more..." which is like there is something, a dash of something this young writer could d to make it go bam!...yet, I have no earthy idea what it is...

I know lame right...I'm just a lowly reviewer. 

ANYWAY! WITH ALL THAT SAID AND DONE, SYWAR OUT BUUUU~T FIRST, CHECK THIS STORY OUT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK....OKAY! YAH BETTER!!