Your past may
be dark but it doesn't
define
who you are.
Forget the unpleasant,
put the
cherished ones
in your heart
while moving
forward.

/28/ Memento Vivere

[LULU]

HAVE you ever committed a sin and you never came back to redeem yourself? As if the sin defined who you are. It consumed your whole being; you live a life of guilt every day.

It happened to me.

That's why I don't have any will to live.

I just wanted to die and get over with everything. I found my life... meaningless.

I didn't know my reason to continue living.

Nobody noticed, even my family and friends. They didn't saw my suffering. Ang akala nila I was just having a certain phase of my youth—na karamihan ay tingin ay pag-iinarte lang.

They didn't know what happened because I chose to remain silent.

I chose to remain silent because I was afraid.

I was afraid to be blamed even if it's not my fault.

I don't know why but it felt that way. Kahit na ikaw ang biktima pero kasalanan mo na may mangyaring masama sa'yo, gano'n ang pakiramdam. Siguro... sadyang mahina lang ako.

Kahit na pumipikit ako tuwing gabi ay naaalala ko pa rin ang lahat.

Unang taon ng high school, Grade 7, nang makilala ko ang homeroom teacher namin na si Ms.Raine. She's a rookie teacher with two-years of experience in teaching.

She's really kind and almost everybody adores her. Nagsimula 'yon nang magpagawa siya ng exchange diary sa amin kung saan ay nababasa niya at nagrereply siya. I shared my inner thoughts. And for some reasons, we became friends.

Outside the classroom, she became the older sister I never had. Akala ko noon sa lovers lang ang konsepto ng 'soul mate' pero pwede rin pala 'yon sa friendship.

Naging aware ang mga kaklase ko sa closeness namin ni Ms. Raine and I know that they kinda hated me for the favouritism, hindi kasi maiiwasan sa loob ng classroom.

Aside from that, I really did well on her class kaya madalas akong makakuha ng highest grade. Actually... Parang doon nagsimula ang pambubully sa'kin ng mga kaklase ko dahil ang tingin nila sa'kin ay sipsip.

Kaya sinabi ko kay Ms. Raine na huwag na lang kami mag-usap sa loob ng classroom. We used to hang out a lot in the public library, coffee shops, talking about books and life.

Ms. Raine suddenly got married the following year and she had to stop teaching.

She married a charismatic man; he is Wilfredo Consuelo, the principal's son and also a teacher in our school.

And right now, I'm standing at the front of his house.

I pushed the doorbell and waited for seconds when the door opened.

When he saw me, he smiled.

"What a surprise, Lulu. Hi!" he cheerfully greeted me before opening his door.

Niyaya niya akong pumasok sa loob, bumungad sa'kin ang bahay nila ni Ms. Raine, hindi pa rin nagbabago ang ayos nito.

Pinaupo niya ako sa sala at inalok ng maiinom. Pagkaupo ko ay pumunta siya sa kusina. Memories began to come back in my mind. It still haunts me.

Maya-maya'y bumalik si Sir Fredo at inilagay sa ibabaw ng lamesita ang isang baso ng orange juice pero hindi ko 'yon ginalaw.

"Napadalaw ka 'ata, Lulu?" he's now sitting in front of me.

Pinagmasdan ko ang maamo niyang mukha. No one knows that this man is a wolf hiding in a sheep's clothing. Kung makangiti siya ngayon ay akala mo walang nangyari noon—he's a monster—a psychopath.

"I know that you're the one who exposed Golda, Sir Fredo," I said while looking directly at his eyes, I can't afford to show any weakness to this man.

"Wait, wait," itinaas niya pa 'yung kamay niya. "Sir Fredo? You used to call me Kuya Fredo, Lulu."

I gritted my teeth when I heard that. "That's when Ate Raine is still alive."

Sumandal siya sa sofa at kampanteng-kampante na tumingin sa'kin. "So, what's this? Are we going to talk about your besty Golda, or are we going to have some cheesy throwback about Raine?"

I'm feeling that I'm about to cry because of the surging emotions. Hindi ko na 'to pwedeng patagalin pa. "You abused her..."

I saw an annoyance on his face when I said that. "She was my wife and she's dead, there's nothing you can do about it. Now, what's this, Lulu?"

Everyone from school adores him because of his reputation as a good teacher, I won't deny that he's good at his career; all students are interested in his lessons.

Ms. Raine married him because she thought of him as a 'prince charming'. But Fredo showed his true colors when they got married.

Nang malaman ni Sir Fredo kung gaano kami kalapit ni Ms. Raine, he tries to be good to me inside the classroom. Na naging dahilan na naman ng inggit ng mga kaklase ko, they all saw how Sir Fredo is giving me a special attention.

Noong una akala ko rin mabait siya. Sinasabay niya ako pag uwian papunta sa bahay nila para dalawin si Ms. Raine, he said I was like a little sibling to them.

"Sinabi sa'kin lahat ni Ate Raine ang ginagawa mo sa kanya," sabi ko. "You're manipulative, obsessed and paranoid."

Fredo blankly stared at me.

There's more to that.

"Of course, you found out. Y-You tried to take advantage on me, and you used it to make me shut up," pagkasabi ko no'n ay tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ko. "Na kapag pinagkalat ko ang alam ko... You'll tell the whole school that I seduced you."

I'm shaking terribly.

I am currently facing directly a perpetrator who can absolutely control the situation by manipulating everything.

"You told me that even if I asked for help no one will believe me." Lahat ng alaala na pinipilit kong ibaon sa mahabang panahon ay biglang bumalik sa isang iglap. "I was so scared and I felt alone because my friends left me, they bullied me because they're annoyed to me—sipsip daw ako, bida-bida. Then... Ms.Raine died."

"I didn't kill her," he flatly said.

"You pushed her to death... She killed herself in order to be free from you."

Dead silence.

Ms. Raine was found lifeless in their bathroom, overdosed, there's also slashes in her wrist.

I never knew that someone like her, a wonderful and kind person would do that. If only I was strong enough, to tell the truth, to fight him, Ms. Raine would be alive today.

I don't know but I feel responsible for her death because I'm the one she told about the abuse. Maybe she wants to ask for help... And I didn't do anything because of fear.

Tumayo ako at tumitig sa kanya. "I'll sue you for harassing me. I was a minor that time, so—"

"No one will believe you," he said in a firm voice. "You will lose. Don't even try. And before you even file a case, it will leak, Lulu. I recorded it, remember?"

I clenched my fist. Alam ko naman na sasabihin niya 'yon. He always plays dirty.

"I don't believe you."

"Try me," panghahamon niya.

Then suddenly I remembered her face. I remembered the woman I met that showed me how to live even you're literally dying every day.

Golda.

I hated her when I first met her because she ruined my plan for killing myself. And she's right, ginusto kong mamatay noon para sa atensyon—para makita nila ako, para sisihin nila ang mga sarili nila.

Pero dahil sa kanya... Nakita ko kung ano ang kahulugan ng mabuhay ng malaya—ng totoo sa sarili mo.

Upon remembering all of Golda's memory in my mind... An unfamiliar feeling of courage flowed in my vein. A little voice whispered inside me that I shouldn't be afraid of this man, he's just scaring me all this time, he knows he can control me by fear... because I'm a foolish youth who would always believe what adults will tell me.

But not anymore.

Taas noo akong lumabas ng bahay na 'yon at walang lingong naglakad.

Pero nang marating ko ang kalsada biglang nanginig ang dalawang tuhod ko at bumagsak ako sa kalsada. I mustered all my strength to grab my phone inside my pocket and dial her phone number.

And thank goodness she answered.

"I-It's Lulu." Hindi ko mapigilang umiyak nang marinig ko 'yung boses niya.

"Anong nangyari, Lulu?"

"Please... help me."

*****

IT rained earlier. The irony is, a rainbow shone above the sky. A literal metaphor.

Malapit nang lumubog ang araw at nakatayo ako habang nakaharap doon. While feeling the warmth it gives, I'm certain that she'll come. She'll save me.

Bumukas ang pinto ng rooftop at narinig ko ang mga yabag.

"Lulu!" my heart jumped when I heard her voice. Lumingon ako sa kanya at nakita ang sobra-sobrang pag-aalala sa kanyang mukha.

It feels like yesterday... Parang kahapon lang nang minsan niya akong maabutan dito sa rooftop at pinigilan ako sa balak kong pagtalon.

Ngayon, narito ulit kami.

Dumating si Golda para iligtas ako.

"Ano na namang pumasok sa kukuto mo?! Magpapakamatay ka na naman?!" galit niyang sigaw. "Bumaba ka nga riyan!"

Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti dahil gano'n pa rin talaga siya. Tama si Blake, Golda is Golda.

Napakunot siya nang makita akong natatawa. Pagkatapos ay sumimangot siya at pumanewang.

"Lulu! Hindi ako natutuwa sa kalokohan mo. Kung magpapakamatay ka, huwag mo akong idamay—"

Dali-dali akong tumakbo sa kinaroroonan niya at niyakap ko siya. Halatang nagulat siya at hindi 'yon inaasahan.

"Thank you... Thank you for coming here..." bulong ko habang nakayakap sa kanya. Pagkabitaw ko ay bigla niya akong sinapok sa noo, hindi naman gano'n kalakas pero napaatras ako. "Ouch!"

"Anong thank you thank you?" naniningkit niyang sabi habang nakaturo sa'kin. "Alam mo bang sinuhulan ko pa 'yung gwardiya para lang makapasok ako rito sa bulok na eskwelahang 'to?" she said in a disgusted tone.

I didn't answer and we stare at each other.

Pagkatapos ay bigla akong naiyak. Bigla namang nanlambot 'yung itsura niya.

"Hoy, huwag mo 'kong iyakan diyan, anong nangyari sa'yo? Anong masakit?" naiinis pero nag-aalala niyang tanong.

Umiling ako at pinahid 'yung luha ko. I smiled again at her.

"I'm sorry kung inabala kita para pumunta rito," sabi ko. "Let's go, come with me."

"Huh?" nagtataka niyang sabi at hinila ko siya paalis ng rooftop.

Hindi na siya umangal at nagpunta kami sa old building at nang nasa harapan na kami ng SOS Club room ay bigla siyang huminto.

"Teka lang," sabi niya. "Huwag mong sabihing..."

"P-Pinapunta namin sila ni Blake dito..."

It was all part of my plan. I planned this all.

After Golda left us behind that day, we didn't win the graduation song competition. The whole class was in a bad state. Clearly, they're all upset and sad but no one dared to talk about it.

Christmas vacation came; I got a call from Blake. He told me that he knew about Golda all this time and I couldn't help it but to tell him the truth, na alam ko rin ang tungkol kay Golda, maliban sa sakit nito. Pumasok sa isip ko no'n na ikwento kay Blake ang tungkol sa nakaraan ko, siguro dahil kailangan ko nang makikinig sa'kin noong mga panahon na 'yon.

Blake listened.

Blake was, of course, stoked.

I also told him that I had a plan in my mind.

To get revenge to Sir Fredo, for Ms. Raine, for myself, and for Golda.

After obtaining the evidence earlier in Fredo's house, I sent it to Sir Gil attached with a long message asking his help. That was the first time that I made a move to fight for myself—by asking someone's help. I decided to trust Sir Gil.

Now, Blake and I called them all to gather here. We told them to come if they want to know the truth or... to have a formal closure with her.

Golda's eye widened when she heard what I said. Parang nabigla siya at hindi malaman kung anong gagawin.

Hindi ko rin alam kung pumunta ba sila... Kaya pinapanalangin ko na sana nandiyan sila ngayon sa loob.

"Sinabi n'yo ba sa kanila?" dahan-dahang niyang tanong.

Umiling ako. "No, I didn't. Hindi pa rin alam ni Blake." Ayoko siyang pangunahan. It's not for me to decide.

I offered again my hand to her. "Let's go... Let's meet them."

She's hesitating but in the end, she accepted my hand. Binuksan ko 'yung pinto at dahan-dahan ko 'yong binuksan... Nakita namin...

"H-Hi, guys," awkward kong bati sa kanila.

Kahel, Jao, Ruffa, Waldy, and Paul are sitting across each other. While Blake is standing near the window, he gave me a nod—sign that we both accomplished what we wanted to happen.

Tahimik lang ang buong silid, kanina pa siguro sila naghihintay at ngayon... Nandito na kami, nandito na si Golda.

Biglang tumayo si Waldy na naglikha ng ingay. "G-G-Goldyyyy!" bigla itong ngumalngal na parang bata. "I'm sorryyyyy!"

"Huwag kang umiyak, para kang tanga," inis na sabi ni Golda. "

Lumapit ako sa tabi ni Kahel at umupo ro'n.

"Blake and Lulu told us to come here..." sabi ni Ruffa.

Napabuntong hininga si Golda at sumulyap siya sa'kin. Muli siyang tumingin sa harap, seryoso lang siya.

"Pumunta ko rito kasi akala ko magpapakamatay na naman si Lulu," simula niya. "H-Hindi ko ineexpect na makikita ko kayo rito," huminga ulit siya nang malalim, "hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin. Alam n'yo na kung sino ako," sabi niya. "I'm Golda, the businesswoman, successful, etcetera etcetra. Alam ko rin na lahat kayo naloko ko sa pagpapanggap ko, at... ang totoo kasi," huminga ulit siya nang malalim, she'll tell them? "Ang totoo—"

"It doesn't matter," pinutol siya ni Paul, nakangiti ito. "We came here because..."

"We don't want you to leave without saying a proper goodbye," sunod na nagsalita si Jao.

"Hindi kami galit," sabi ni Kahel. "Sorry kung hindi ka namin pinagtanggol no'ng araw na 'yon."

Namayani ulit ang katahimikan. Pagkatapos ay tumakbo si Waldy palapit kay Golda para yakapin ito.

"Hindi ka na namin magiging classmate," sabi ni Waldy na umiiyak pa rin. "Hindi ka na namin makakasama hanggang graduation?"

"Tanga, siyempre hindi na," sagot ni Golda at hinimas ang likuran ni Waldy. "Bistado na ang mama mo," biro ni Golda. Kahit na gustuhin kong makagraduate kasama kayo, hindi pwede."

Golda hugged them one by one. I heard their sniffs.

They're crying.

Blake and I just stared at Golda, parehas kami ng iniisip—hindi na niya sasabihin sa kanila 'yung tungkol sa karamdaman niya. Pagkatapos yakapin ni Golda si Blake, sa'kin sunod na lumapit si Golda.

Nang yakapin niya ako ay may ibinulong siya sa'kin, "Akala ko kaya kong sabihin sa kanila 'yung tungkol sa sakit ko. Pero hindi pala."

Lumabo 'yung mga mata ko at sunud-sunod na bumagsak ang mga luha.

Bumulong ulit si Golda habang nakayakap pa rin. "Susubukan kong magpagaling. Kaya ikaw din, huwag mo na ulit susukuan ang mabuhay, ha, Lulu?"

Tumango ako at bumitiw siya sa'kin, pinahid niya 'yung luha ko.

"We have something for you," sabi ko. Lumapit si Kahel at inabot kay Golda ang isang makapal na envelope. "Buksan mo kapag nasa bahay ka na."

"Sige," sagot niya nang kuhanin 'yon. Humarap siya sa kanilang lahat. "Hindi man ako makakagraduate kasama kayo—salamat... Salamat sa mga alaala na nakasama ko kayo. Hindi ko kayo kalilimutan... Kaya, huwag n'yo ring kalilimutan si Boss Golda."

Tumalikod siya pero lumingon siya ulit.

"Huwag n'yong kakalimutang mabuhay."

*****

I told my parents about what happened to me years ago.

They couldn't believe it. And before they can speak, I told them that I want to fight for myself, I want justice. I asked if they could help me.

"Anak ka namin, Lulu, we will do anything to protect you. Bakit ngayon mo lang 'to sinabi sa'min ng daddy mo?" when my mom said that, my heartfelt joy, tears poured.

They listened. They finally saw my suffering. And it took tons of courage to tell them everything I've been through alone.

I was just a kid, it wasn't my fault.

Now, I feel peace. I feel safe.

After New Year, my parents quickly made a move, they called a lawyer to file a case.

Sir Gil and the principal cooperated; they decided to file against Fredo as well, for stealing the school's funds. They also supported my cause.

Fredo found himself facing multiple charges. It was too late for him to run away because he never knew that I'll do what I warned him before. He didn't even see that his own family would sue him. He's busted.

And his threat to me?

It was just a scare. There wasn't a video.

When we finally faced again in the court, he called me names, he spouted lies about me—that I seduced him and so on.

But I didn't listen.

I didn't give him permission to destroy my peace. I remained firm and calm. While I found myself being surrounded by adults who swore to themselves that they'll protect me.

Nagbago lahat nang dahil sa desisyon kong maging matapang na harapin lahat.

Ang akala ko noon na mga taong nagbubulag-bulagan sa sitwasyon ko ay nakatayo na sa tabi ko para alalayan akong bumangon ulit.

She started it all. Golda made me believe that I can still trust some adults. She made me realize that I can't do this all alone, I need somebody to guide my way.

I'm still going to school while the case is still on-going. At first, it wasn't easy to deal with the attention. Fortunately, my friends are supportive. Though the whole school can't believe what happened.

And Golda?

Golda became a myth in our school.

Hindi na siya pumasok nang magresume ulit ang klase. But I know, everybody is still talking about her. The mystery remained, but our class—STEM 2-C, kept our mouths shut; they never utter a bad thing about her. I know eventually the gossipers will get tired of asking questions, they'll eventually forget her.

Golda's traces in William Consuelo High School may fade.

But for us, Golda will remain in our hearts.

Kung nasaan man siya ngayon alam kong lumalaban siya katulad nang sinabi niya sa'kin, "Susubukan kong magpagaling. Kaya ikaw din, huwag mo na ulit susukuan ang mabuhay, ha, Lulu?"

"Huwag n'yong kakalimutang mabuhay."

I owe her so much...

I wanted to die before... but she made me believe in life again.

I want to live.

Memento, Vivere.