"Until when are you going to look ugly like that? I feel sorry for my eyes." Sam sighed as he sat beside me. It was free period, and I decided to get some fresh air outside, while resting under the shade of a big tree.

"If you're going to complain, then scram."

I wasn't in the mood to be called ugly. I already know I'm ugly - inside and out. Nobody needs to remind me.

He didn't move an inch. "It's okay. You're not that ugly for me to not want to sit next to you."

I made a mental eye-roll. I know he was just kidding around, but I was just the tiniest bit offended. It just added more to my insecurity. Asshole.

I punched his shoulder - not even lightly. "Sorry I'm never gonna be as pretty as Emma."

"What?" He asked, laughing a bit and while rubbing his arm. I didn't hold back on that punch. And then I realized what I just said. I bit my lip. Shit. Didn't mean to say that out loud. "You're jealous of Emma?"

Evade. Evade.

"No. I'm not." I replied defensively.

After staring at me with a wide smirk, I gave in. I technically gave it away already so there was no point in denying it. Plus, I could actually talk to somebody right now. "Okay fine I am. But who wouldn't! She's pretty, she's girly, she doesn't hit guys whenever she likes, she's hot, she's smart, she's funny - "

"Except for the part where you don't hit guys whenever you like, aren't you most of those things you just mentioned?" He interrupted. I gave him a look. I didn't like being interrupted. And I hated getting compliments or empty words of flattery or fake words of comfort.

He sighed heavily. "Again, you don't believe me." He stretched his legs before scooting a bit further from me so he could talk to me face to face. I still wanted to punch him for calling me ugly. "Maybe someone already told you this, but Mira, you're pretty. And not just pretty. You're really pretty. And you're hot, admit it. Why else would I have a crush on you before? Plus, you're smart - "

Smart? Has he heard my thoughts lately? Has he any idea how dysfunctional my brain is? And another thought:

First he tells me I'm ugly, then he tells me I'm pretty? Wow, is my face like, self-renewing it's features every minute?

I snorted at his attempt to comfort me but he continued. "C'mon! You're one of the smartest people I know. You're always in our Math's topnotchers."

I interrupted. "That's because solving stuff with figures is so much easier than memorizing names I can't pronounce much less spell."

He sent me a look. "I know you hate Biology, but putting that weakness aside, you have more A's than B's in all your subjects."

I rolled my eyes as I waved an airy hand. "Stop flattering me Sam. It's not helping. And how do you know all these?"

He grinned sheepishly. "Hello, I liked you before, remember?"

"Stalker." I made the ugliest, most disgusted face I could make before I scoffed. It was his turn to roll his eyes.

"And that, right there, is what made me unlike you. But I still like you of course, in a non-romantic way. You're cool."

I smiled at him. "I know."

"Okay then," he said. "Then let's get to the maint point here. Stop beating yourself up. Grow some balls and just talk to him."

Well, that was abrupt.

Yesterday's conversation with Brandon attacked my mind. Talk to him? Yeah-no. It's a suicide mission for a brain-dead gorilla like me. Yeah, I'm getting more depressed.

I released a frustrated sigh. "I don't know what I should tell him. Even when I think long and hard about what I'm gonna say, even if I already thought about over a hundred conversations with him in my head - it's pointless. You know why? Because as soon as he's here, my brain stops functioning. I can't even look at him in the eyes anymore. I lost my balls, Sam. I never thought I would, but I lost my balls."

"Well get them back." He insisted. "It's not like you had an actual pair to begin with, but theoretically speaking, you can still get your balls back. If you let yourself. And stop blaming your brain."

I suddenly burst out laughing. He looked at me confused for a bit until I explained. "You realize how weird this discussion sounds, right?"

Sam groaned, shaking my shoulders back and forth in the process. "Listen to me! Just stop stalling and stop letting your negative emotions get the best of you. Just tell him you like him and tell him you're sorry. That, my friend, will be the only guaranteed way you'll get your balls back."

I stared at him for a few seconds, thinking. Wow. Simple as that?

He looked disturbed. "What?"

I smiled happily at him. "You're such a girl. At heart." He glared at me, but I just ignored it. I sighed again before letting a quiet ten seconds pass.

He made so much sense.

It's true I wanted to talk to Brandon, but I just lacked a bit of coaching, which was usually Nichole's job, but she was kinda busy with her own dilemma at the moment.

Okay.

So I made up my mind. It sounded simple. Even if it really wasn't, I don't always need a complicated solution to solve a complicated problem right?

I mean, this all started from a simple phone call, and it turned into some complicated shit. I can do vice versa and solve some complicated shit by doing something simple. Right? "Okay. I'll talk to him."

He smiled.

"Great." Sam said, relieved. It was like he had completed his mission (read: to convince me to seriously talk to Brandon) because as soon as I agreed, he crawled to the spot right beside me and laid his back against the tree. Then he closed his eyes and took a nap.

Ah.

Well, whatever. He helped me out again today. I owe this guy a lot. He's a sweet and thoughtful guy in his own way, and it's so easy to talk to him. He moved on so fast and now he's acting like the best friend I never had. I can't believe he used to like me. I can't believe he's okay with all these - he's even helping me go through this shit. He's a great guy.

If I never met Brandon, then maybe...

Nah.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as well. It'll be an hour until lunch, which is the only hour I can actually see Brandon.

I released a breath. I'm going to tell him this time. I swear it.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"Hey," I said as Sam and I sat down on our usual table. Nobody but Leo was here. "Where are the others?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I went ahead."

I nodded slowly, not taking my eyes off him. He wasn't looking at me at all.

"And Nichole?"

The mere mention of her name dulled his eyes and formed a small crease on his forehead. I hid a pained smile. "She's... She'll come."

And not a minute later, she did come. She sat in her usual spot beside him, but keeping an obvious distance. She looked so fresh, but I could tell she was stressed. She was just covering it with some make-up and cute clothes.

A heavy silence fell and I couldn't take it. Whenever I encounter this kind of silence, I remember my last phone call with Brandon, and that will just make me want to punch myself.

So, I decided to ease the tension and open up a conversation. Just... just make this heavy silence disappear.

"So Leo," I said, gaining his attention. "Mom asked how you and aunt Maine were doing."

Aunt Maine was his mom. She and my mom worked in the same bank, and she was also the one who offered us to live with them while we looked for a new place to stay back when dad and mom got divorced. We owe her a lot.

He looked a bit surprised, but a quiet smile formed on his face. "Tell her I'm failing Biology. I need her to make me some of her special lasagna to make me pass."

I released a chuckle. Oh yes. My mom's lasagna was the best. She used to make that all the time when we were little. Specifically, when I beat Leo in a fight, verbally and physically. She'd make some lasagna to cheer him up and he'd smile with a missing tooth (courtesy of yours truly) and eat the whole dish in tears.

Ahh, the good ol' days where the only problem was where the tooth fairy put Leo's dollar (again, courtesy of yours truly).

"Sure." I smiled. "Hey, I'm no good at that subject too, but I know a few stuff that'll probably be helpful. Want me to teach you?"

It was a genuine offer. Leo used to help me with my maths before I got really good at it. It's time I returned the favor.

His eyes lit up as he took my hands. "Really? Seriously? You'd do that?"

I laughed. "Of course. You're my best friend, dickwad. I'd at least do something like that."

Plus, I still feel bad for taking the dollar under his pillow when we were kids. I just really wanted to try that new-flavored gum I saw on TV.

He was this close to hugging me, if not for the table blocking his way. He just shook my hands a few times. "Oh man, thank you. Thank you! You're the best gorilla best friend ever!"

I made a pout. Only I was allowed to call myself a gorilla. But I let it slide.

Leo and I were deciding on when and where we were going to study when Sam nudged my shoulder. I knew that gesture. It meant the potato was coming.

I quickly turned around and saw him and Emma casually chatting while walking towards our table. They looked so engrossed in their conversation. They looked good together. They looked so happy.

No. Stop it.

Damn it Mira. You already made up your mind to talk to him today. Stop dragging yourself down.

I took a deep breath. I needed a few more encouraging smiles from my friends before I go through this. I need moral support damn it.

When I glanced at Nichole, I was expecting to see a look of good luck, but my anxiousness about Brandon quickly faded away when I saw her smile.

That smile again.

I sent her a look asking what's wrong, but she just smiled wider. It hurt seeing her force a smile for me. "Do your best Mira."

Maybe she meant it, but her voice was shaking.

Sam nudged my shoulder again. "They're almost here! They're almost here!"

I know! I know! But Nichole!

She pressed her lips together before standing up. Leo glanced over his shoulder to see what was happening to her, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her completely. Nichole shook her head, silently telling me not to worry about her.

"I'll be back in a minute. Talk to Brandon, okay?"

No. She can't ask me to do that. Not while she was being like that.

Brandon and Emma were now a few feet away from our table. Nichole quickly took her leave. Sam was looking at me worried, and Leo sent me a quick, guilty look.

I wanted to yell at him to go after her but both of them weren't in the condition to talk about their issues right now. While they were still insisting on their prides, they might jeopardize their relationship.

Which, they're already doing, anyways. Why can't they just calm down and talk about it?

How absolutely hypocrital of me. People must hate me when they read my thoughts.

Brandon and Emma were here, and as they were about to sit down, Brandon sent me a blank look. I can't deal with him right now. I can't leave my best friend. I can't.

I'm sorry, Sam.

I left my bag to Sam and quickly ran after Nichole without another word.

I was panting when I arrived in front of the women's bathroom, not because of running so fast, but because I was scared. Scared because of how Brandon looked at me like he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, scared of that look on Leo's face when I mentioned Nichole's name, scared of what Nichole might be doing to herself right now and scared that I won't be able to do anything about all those things.

Regardless of these thoughts, adrenaline helped me push the door open and step inside the empty bathroom. I was confused to see nobody at first, but then I realized that one cubicle was shut tight.

I gently knocked on that cubicle, certain it was Nichole hiding in there.

"Nichole?" I asked cautiously. I heard the toilet seat squeak and a few sniffles. Yup. She was in there.

"Why are you here?" She asked, a bit annoyed. "Weren't you going to talk to Brandon?"

I knocked again. "My best friend comes first. Open the door Nichole."

It didn't take a lot of effort for her to come out of that cubicle. As soon as I saw her, I quickly pulled her into a hug. I rubbed her back to calm her down.

"It's okay, I'm here."

I felt her shake her head roughly before breaking out a sob. "No." She slowly broke the hug. "No, I don't deserve to be friends with you."

"What? Why?" I asked, a bit panicked. Don't tell me she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore too?

She shook her head slowly as she faced the floor. "I'm a horrible friend Mira. All you've been to me was kind and forgiving - but I... I thought of some really bad things about you, and I feel horrible about it. Mira, punch me. I deserve at least that."

What? What? But why? Why's she being like this? Did I do something wrong again?

"What are you talking about? Tell me in a way I can understand!"

She quietlty sighed as she raised her head, revealing her blood-shot eyes and shiny red nose. I don't know why I feel so guilty. "You were the girl Mira."

She pressed her quivering lips together before she added, "you were Leo's first love."

I felt my pulse stop at that exact moment. I felt like I was shot, stabbed, punched and kicked. And I don't even know how I should feel about this.

I knew Leo liked me when we were in middle-school. He told me himself. But I told him I'd like him better as my best friend. He took it pretty well and now we're here. We're still friends. He can't possibly like me still, right? I mean, he was with Nichole now. It was impossible.

"Nichole, he's like my brother," I insisted. It was the truth. I wanted to apologize, but then again, I had no direct fault here. Why should I apologize? And damn it. I was the reason for all their fights? Me?

It's me who don't deserve their friendship. All I've done is caused them pain.

"I don't think he sees you that way Mira," she wiped away a tear. "I know I sound like a jealous bitchy girlfriend, and I sound stupid, but I just can't help thinking like that, you know? I mean, you two have been together for years. You probably know him better than I do. And Mira, I can't compete with that. I can't compete with tou. I don't want to compete with you. I love you both so much and I hate myself for thinking like this. I'm so sorry Mira. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"No, no," I felt my voice shake, tears were pooling my eyes. It wasn't her fault she'd think that way. I think that way when I see Brandon and Emma too. I understand. "Don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong. Nichole - "

She shyed away from my hand and shook her head again. "No. I can't compete with you Mira. I'm so sorry."

"Nichole!" I exclaimed, but she already ran out of the bathroom. I stared at the door for a few seconds, then released a frustrated scream. I watched my hideous reflection in the mirror and buried my face under my hands.

Why? Why doesn't she trust Leo? He loves her. I know he does. And I know his feelings for me died years ago. But how can I convince her? How can I save their relationship? How can I save our friendship?

A sharp pain went through my heart. Why do I feel like I just lost a friend?

I screamed again, but it came out in muffles since I was pressing my palm against my mouth. Screw this life. Why does this have to happen now? How am I going to face her back at the apartment? How am I going to look at Leo in the face now that I know that there might be a chance he still likes me? How am I going to talk to Brandon?

This was all a big, big mess. Just like my life.

I splashed my face with some cold water before texting Sam to meet me under the big tree. I needed to talk to somebody.

He replied with an 'okay' and I stepped out of the bathroom.

I was drained mentally. I want to explode. I want to somehow scream again, or punch something, but I didn't have the will to. Not anymore.

It was almost as if I was already numb.

I blinked back a few tears. I just lost a friend didn't I? And I'm about to lose more. I just know it.

"Mira?" A familiar voice sropped my heart for a second. Fuck. I can't deal with him right now. Not right now. "Are you and Nichole okay? I saw her leave just a few minutes ago."

I stared at floor without saying anything. This wasn't going to last anyway, nothing ever does, so might as well end it before I get in deeper.

Brandon was waiting for my response. I was silent for almost a minute, but he seemed patient. He almost seemed foreign to me now. Everything seemed foreign to me now. I don't know anymore.

"I'm tired." I finally said, breathing heavily after that. He didn't understand. "I'm tired of this game already."

I don't know how he reacted, but that familiar heavy silence made its appearance again. It took me a few more seconds before I gathered enough courage to look him in the face. I held my breath. His expression was blank.

"Brandon," I said, with all the confidence I was able to muster. He waited for what I was about to say. "Do you think you'll ever like me?"

I need to know this thing's going somewhere.

I don't want to keep liking you if you won't even return these feelings.

If you don't like me, then just tell me already, so I can move on with my life.

But still.

I'm holding on this tiny rope of hope.

Please say yes.

It took him several seconds to respond as well. I couldn't even hear him breathe because my heartbeats were so loud.

"Do you think you'll ever like me?" He returned my question.

Why? Why can't he just give me a straight answer? Why couldn't I have just told him on the phone yes? Why did he look so torn? Was it because he knew we were a step away from losing each other? Was it because he was already tired of me, wants to throw me out now that Emma's in the picture?

What did I even mean to him?

The usual silence fell, it was almost comforting to say at the least because of its normal occurence among us friends lately.

Brandon took that answer as a negative, because he said the words I never wanted to hear the most. I was expecting it, but I didn't imagine it'd hurt this bad.

"Game over. No one wins, no one loses."

Just like that?

That only meant one thing: he didn't like me that much after all. It was just me being the idiot, falling for each and every game. It was just me being the loser, falling for him. How naive. How stupid.

I always fail every time I try to love someone. Why do I even bother?

Pathetic.

I couldn't give a reply. I don't think I even moved. Everything bad that's happening is because of my actions. Because of me. Why was I even born if I would just bring trouble to everyone?

I watched Brandon slowly walk away. I think he said something before he left, but I couldn't hear him over my loud thoughts, my loud heartbeats. Maybe he said goodbye. Maybe he said I looked pathetic. Maybe he said he was relieved he was finally free. I don't know.

And I don't care.

I snapped back into the cruel reality and walked outside to meet Sam. I need to burst. And after that I'll go to sleep, after being tortured by my own thoughts.

Nichole will be there. I don't think she wants to see my face. I can't go to Leo, I won't be able to forgive myself if I asked comfort from him. I don't have Brandon anymore. I never did. I can't talk to Emma. I know I'll cry, knowing she's taken my place without even knowing.

I can't take this. Why do problems even exist? Why do I exist?

I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I saw Sam waiting near the tree.

Something weird was piling up in my chest, I just wanted to scream. But I don't want him to see me cry. The last time someone saw me cry, he left. I can't risk losing another on.

I just can't.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

A/N: I am so attached to my characters. Mira and my thoughts are one. God. Writing this chapter calmed me down a lot.

Trivia: While posting this chap, I'm studying for my finals. Which is tomorrow until Friday. Don't rush.