Toss. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Turn. Cry.

I hesitantly opened my eyes at the rays of light peeking from my curtains. Grumbling and squinting at the blinding light, I earnestly thought about how useless a human being I was. "Ah, the sun."

It's morning already. Wow. I didn't sleep a wink. Wow. I'm still alive. Wow. Wow.

I'm so tired and my face feels sticky.

I got up from bed and walked like a zombie to our bathroom. Lucky it was Saturday. But regardless whether it was a weekend or not, I still wouldn't go out today.

Today sucks.

My life sucks.

I suck.

After splashing my face with some cold water, I somehow felt a bit bitter - I mean better. Ugh. I'm so tired. But I still can't sleep.

I was on my way back to my room when Nichole flicked my forehead. I jumped from the shock because 1.) Where the hell did she come from? And 2.) Ow, that hurt.

Instead of saying my usual complaints, I just stared at her while rubbing my forehead. I didn't have the energy to be myself today. I just want to sleep.

She folded her arms as she studied my face. "What happened to you?"

I shook my head, meaning nothing. I just didn't feel like talking. Uuugh.

A few seconds later, her expression softened, almost as if she was about to cry. But maybe that was just me. She suddenly sighed heavily before hugging me so tight you'd think I was gonna die tomorrow.

Which, I probably will if I keep living like the useless human being that I am. No, gorilla would suit me better. Let me rephrase that:

I might die tomorrow if I keep living like the useless gorilla that I am.

Better.

But my nonsense can wait. Let's get back to Nichole. She groaned and sighed and grumbled. I don't know what's up with her. "Mira, hit me."

It took me a good five seconds to let that sink into my brain. "What? Why?"

"Just hit me." She said firmly after she broke the hug. Confused, I punched her lightly on the shoulder, because I know that's the only way for her to tell me what's going on.

She gave me a look that said 'did you even try?' but didn't ask me to hit her again. Actually, I could've hit her harder, but like I said, I had no energy today. What time was it anyway, like six in the morning?

"Oh, God," she sighed heavily again, burying her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm horrible. I'm sorry."

What? What?

"What?" I asked. She slowly lifted her head and didn't bother forcing a smile. She knew better than to pretend to look okay in front of me.

"Leo and I fought again last night."

I looked at her strangely, something pricked the little monster inside my chest. "Over the phone?"

She shook her head. "No, after the movie when everyone left, he stayed behind for a few hours. We were in my room, you were kinda out of it last night so maybe you didn't notice us."

I nodded, smacking myself mentally. I always pick the perfect times to be stupid. She continued.

"It was just a small fight. A stupid fight. I'm so stupid."

I'm confused here. And my brain wasn't actually in perfect condition to process anything properly. I looked at my best friend. She looked so down and guilty. And here I was, feeling the exact same thing, for an entirely different reason. "But why'd you apologize to me?"

She stared at me for a while, her expression turning softer and softer, like she felt really bad by just looking at me. Did I do something wrong? Did she do something wrong?

"Because I'm a horrible friend." She mumbled.

What? What did she mean? She's not making any sense now. What happened? I have no idea. My thoughts are still floating in a giant mess in my mind right now. I can't understand the situation.

Before I could ask her, she waved her hand and dismissed the topic. She laughed nervously before giving me another tight hug. Kinda made me feel better, but it kinda gave me the feeling of uneasiness as well. "Never mind. Sorry I bothered you. Get some sleep Mira. You look like you tried on every drug in the world."

It took me another five seconds to let that joke sink in my brain. When I was about to retort with an idiotic response (read: without the help of my uncooperative brain) she already went back to her room.

What the hell was going on today? They fought? She apologized? Yes? No? Comfortable? Brandon? Brandon? Brandon?

I let out a frustrated groan and then a silent wail as I made my way back to my room. My mind's a mess. My heart's a mess. Damn it, my whole life's a mess from the start, why am I still surprised? I just want to sleep. Damn it.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

So, I couldn't sleep no matter how much I tried.

It's sad, I know.

But I'm not sad. I'm not sad at all. Psh. Who's sad? Definitely not me. Maybe you're sad. Stop pushing it on me because I know I'm not sad. I'm really not.

The door opened in front of me, revealing the most ridiculous scene I've seen all week.

Hold on. Let me describe it and give you the perfect picture:

A grown man with dishevelled hair and a beard that was growing like a cactus on his face was staring at me ridiculously while holding a mug which I assume was coffee. He was wearing a white shirt and a pair of gray boxers, and as for his footwear, he was wearing socks that didn't match and a pair of pink bedroom slippers.

Ah, the sight pains my eyes.

"Mira?" He said softly, looking a bit surprised that I was on his doorstep. I haven't been here for at least a year already.

Hearing his voice and seeing the worried look in his eyes, I recalled my previous thoughts. I suddenly bit my lip before I forced a smile to greet him, but it was useless. My face was gonna crack.

"I'm..." I barely said in an audible voice. "I'm... not sad. I'm not sad at all. I'm not. I'm not."

Why the fuck did I just say that?

Seeing me in this worthless state, uncle Ray, who was also our school's principal, opened the door wider and let me inside. But not before hugging me first. I grunted.

"Your beard itches."

He ruffled my hair before pushing my back and guiding me into his house. "Deal with it."

I sat on his couch and made myself comfortable. This place was like my second home. He made sure I wasn't breaking down like some over dramatic teenager as he gave me a mug of hot chocolate. Yay.

"I'll be right back. Gonna change into something appropriate first." He said.

I snickered at his attire again. It wasn't the first time I saw it, but my reaction every time I did never changed. Yeah, he hated that. "But uncle, you rock the 'just got out of bed' look."

He clicked his tongue and striked a pose. "I know. I'm fabulous."

I laughed at him as he grudgingly made his way to his room. His sarcastic-switch automatically turns on whenever I make fun of him. Except when we're at school of course.

While waiting for him, I observed the house. I felt nostalgic just sitting here again, and felt guilty for not visiting more often. Uncle helped my mom and I so much for the past few years. I feel like I can't thank him enough whatever I do.

I saw the familiar picture frames aligned on top of the fireplace. It was arranged in order, starting from when uncle was still in the Navy, when he got promoted, when his girlfriend said yes to him, when they got married, when they got pregnant...

The last pictures that followed were of me and mom.

I felt sad. Not for personal reasons anymore, but for uncle. I still can't get over it even though it's been years already.

Uncle Ray's wife, Susan, was four months pregnant when he was still on duty. She got involved in a car accident and after that day, she lost the baby, and she never opened her eyes again.

All of that happened before dad left. My pain doesn't even compare to his. And yet, he still had the courage to live on and even help my mom and I through all those shit.

He's a true soldier. A real hero.

"Alright," uncle appeared, now dressed 'appropriately' which also translates to a 'pair of pants.'

I snickered silently. He didn't bother fixing his hair or wash his face or anything. He knows I was used to seeing him like this, and he knows I won't actually care even if a bird died on his head.

This is how I show my love. Hm. Hm.

He nudged his head towards a certain direction and my face lit up when I realized what he was planning. I quickly chugged my hot drink down and got out of my seat, following him to our favorite part of the house - his own personal gym.

Well duh, uncle still works out to stay fit. I don't know if it's out of habit or if it's just his way of relieving stress. Being a principal at a high school like mine can be stressful. I know, because I'm usually the primary cause of his stress.

Shame on me.

When we arrived, my smile couldn't get any wider. I missed that huge punching bag hanging on the ceiling, the weights placed in order of size on the floor, all kinds of gym equipment and oh look, the threadmill I almost died on a few years ago.

Don't ask.

I went to my favorite punching bag, which looked sort of worn out already, and hugged it. I hugged it before I punched it, testing if it's still as tough. Yup. Still in perfect condition.

Uncle walked up behind me and offered me a kind smile. "I don't know about teenage-girl-drama, but I do know for a fact that you'd rather punch something than rant about it. It's good if you tell me about it, but just after you sort things out in your head - by going violent and bat shit crazy on non-living objects. So, go knock yourself out."

I rolled my eyes, but smiled back. He knew me too well.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"Oh," I supressed a gasp when the rip on the punching bag expanded, revealing a second layer of something I'm too lazy to describe. I didn't mind it though. I focused all of my unresolved and confusing emotions in each of my punches. I didn't fully react or even realize it when the punching bag gave up and fell heavily on the ground. The hook snapped because of my force, probably, but at least I didn't get hurt.

Hehe.

Okay, I felt a bit guilty for that. Uncle will have to put it back again and it's quite a hassle doing it alone. I sighed. What a good for nothing gorilla I am.

"I knew you'd be here," I heard a familiar voice behind me. I spun on my heels and grinned so wide my cheeks hurt when I saw my mom.

I got so excited and relieved and sad and blah blah blah you get the picture. I ran full speed towards her and jumped in for a big hug. Yeah, like a five year old. Be jealous.

She chortled as she ruffled my hair gave me a kiss on the forehead. I can't believe she's here! Oh God. God. Thank You so much for bringing my mom here!

"I see you've met your equally violent companion for today," uncle mused, standing beside us holding some bags of food and stuff. I'm pretty sure those stuff were mom's.

Mom gave him a look before rolling her eyes. Uncle just shrugged his shoulders and went out to do whatever it is mom instructed him to do with those stuff.

I supressed a giggle as mom laughed at his retreating back. Mom and uncle were the best of friends since high school. Uncle was the one who actually introduced my dad to her back then, and long story short, uncle got kicked to the friendzone as soon as my parents were introduced.

I'm just kidding. Uncle doesn't see mom that way. I think. Oh shut up brain. He's been through a lot. Don't push it.

We went for a place to sit and talk, walking over the dead punching bag on the ground, and ignoring uncle's whines all the way from the kitchen.

Seriously, he's like Leo sometimes.

"So tell me," mom said as soon as we sat down on the long benches at the side. "What's this teenage-girl-drama you're currently undergoing?"

I almost face-palmed. "Uncle ratted me out?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Uh-huh. I'm kinda jealous you went to him instead of me though."

My heart pricked with guilt all of a sudden and I quickly and honestly said my reasons. I really don't want to disappoint my mom of all people. "I thought you were busy with work. I just didn't want to disturb you. And uncle was always free on weekends so... so... um... Mom, I'm sorry."

She laughed light-heartedly. I don't know what to think. "There's nothing to be sorry about." Then she gave me that tender look in her eyes that always made me feel secure and comfortable. I can tell her anything and everything. "Now tell me what happened between you and Brandon."

I stopped in my thoughts and stared at her wide-eyed. "But I didn't even - "

"Oh I know it's about that boy," she interjected. "I knew you were gonna be bothered about this soon enough."

A shiver went down my spine. It's scary how mom always knows me so well. Uncle too. And Leo, and Nichole, and Brandon, and... am I a walking open book or something? That's just sad bruh.

I took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. I couldn't look my mom in the eye. And I can't explain exactly what happened since I don't know myself. I'm embarrassed to tell her about this boy stuff. It's so awkward.

"It's a really long story. And I suck at telling stories," I said, honestly, but hoping she'd listen anyway. She patiently nodded and smiled.

"Tell me everything."

So I told her.

I told her about my first impressions of Brandon was, our first encounter with the spicy burrito and the milkshakes, our stupid game, our dumb fights, our deep conversations, how I met Emma, how I'm envious of Emma's perfection and how insecure I am of her and Brandon's friendship, and how confused I am about shit, and about Leo and Nichole's current status, and about Sam and... and...

I didn't realize I was running out of breath when I was telling her the whole story. I had to swallow my saliva a few times (read: gross, but I know you feel me) just to continue my long rant. Mom was just quietly listening and paying attention to every word I said without interrupting even once. She knew that if she interrupted, I'll never be able to continue, knowing my stubborn personality.

I just realized how difficult I am. Ugh. I hate myself.

As soon as I was done, I closed my eyes and breathed. Did I tell her everything? Did I forget something? How will my mom react? Will she be disappointed in me? Will she laugh at how emotional I am and how I'm making things into such a big deal?

Instead of those things though, she pulled me into another hug before kissing my cheeks several times. "I'm so proud of my baby. Do you feel better now that you let it all out?"

A bit surprised and a bit glad at her reaction, I couldn't say anything but just nod my head like an obedient little girl. Mom smiled at me gently, her warmth soothing the ache of my damn heart.

"You didn't cry though. Are you still holding back? Did you use up all your tears already?" She asked, genuinely worried. I giggled, releasing the remains of the tension in my chest.

"I don't know. Maybe I used them all up since I met with dad again. Or maybe I'm just numb."

She stroked my hair while holding my hand. "I know you, Mira. You're exactly like me. And based on what you just told me, I think you have great friends. And honestly, no bias here since I'm your mom, I think Brandon really likes you. For real, honey, think about it. Friends don't do what you potatoes do. C'mon."

I snorted. My mom was really paying attention.

"Here's the only thing I can say," she said, sighing quietly, probably reminiscing her the days when she was my age and preparing to give me some tips. "Trust your gut. You see, girls like us, we rely on our guts. Why? Because we don't let our emotions take control of us. Because that simple, tiny gut feeling already knows what our dumbass heart hasn't figured out yet."

I nodded, taking in what she said, but offering a small laugh to lighten up the air. "I thought the saying said that we should follow our hearts?"

Mom groaned and rolled her eyes as she held my shoulders and looked at me seriously in the eyes. "Our hearts are as stupid as fuck - sorry for my language - but it's true. Look where that got me."

Oh. Ohh. This makes a lot of sense. I mean, for us, since we're not normal people. I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I kinda agree with my mom. Our hearts are confusing as shit. And we're quite the stubborn types so it's easier to follow our guts.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I'm still not sure. Even though I am quite enlightened, I'm still not sure what to do.

"But what if I follow my brain?" I asked mom curiously.

She didn't even have to say anything. Her face said it all.

"You know me too well, mother. My brain hates me."

We exchanged a few laughs before I squeezed her again. God, I can't thank You enough for giving me my mom.

"Thank you," I whispered in her ear, not planning to break this sweet embrace any moment soon.

She kissed the side of my head. "Anytime baby. I'm so proud of you. You know that, right?"

I nodded, squeezing her some more. She laughed before pinching my cheeks.

There was still a bit of uneasiness resting in my heart, but that's already up for me to figure out. I'm just glad that I got to put a load off my chest and frankly speaking, it feels amazing. Why have I not done this before?

Mom and I were still in the middle of our squeezing battle when uncle once again appeared out of no where.

He was in his blue pyjamas and unmatched socks in his pink bedroom slippers. You'd think he was about to go to bed. And it was still just the middle of the day. He gave mom and I a silly grin. "Ooh. Are we still talking about boys?"

I laughed at him, wishing my phone wasn't dead so I could take a picture of him right now. Mom was shaking her head.

"I still find it hard to belive that you're an ex-Navy seal." She said.

"Buzz off Paige," he mumbled, then turning to me with a small smile. "The food's ready. Let's eat lunch while watching some movies."

I got excited. Oh goody! Food and movies! Uncle Ray is the best!

"Don't forget to mention who brought the food and the movies," mom sang, standing up and linking her arm on uncle's, teasingly. He was groaning in mock-annoyance, but I could see the smirk tugging up from the corner of his lips.

I missed this scene. It's so heart-warming how mom and uncle Ray are still best friends. I hope Leo, Nichole, Sam, Emma, Brandon and I will be the same way years from now.

I got up from my seat, temporarily putting my messy thoughts aside and decided to enjoy the day with my family.

I know for a fact that whatever happens, my mom and uncle will never leave me. And that's good enough for me.

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Trivia: So I was chewing on a piece of candy the other day. Then an unexpected sneeze came. And then the candy was not in my mouth anymore. And not on the floor. And not in my hair. And I had no idea where it went.

And then I saw it in the hair of some random passerby.

But I shrugged it off and went inside my classroom.

Let me just get one thing straight:

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose potato.