A Confession | Written in Feb 2018

"By the way, I love you."

His words caught me off guard and I turned around to face my best friend with my eyes widened. My heart was racing, but not because he had just confessed. I was scared that he would kill himself. He'd mentioned that he almost did last week. I took a step forward, hesitantly. "Are you okay?"

The seconds seemed to pass like hours as his feelings spilled from his lips. He felt worthless, a burden. He didn't have anything to live for. His boyfriend had just broken up with him and he had a crush on someone who would never love him back.

I could only listen to his heart and tell him I would be there for him always. I didn't know what else to say, I didn't know what to do that would cheer him up. So I pulled him close into a friendly hug to let him know that I loved him too—that he was an amazing person.

"What did you mean earlier when you said that you love me?" I couldn't help but ask. He laughed without humor.

"As a friend, or rather, a close friend. What, did you think I meant it romantically?"

I choked down a sob and blinked away tears. Did I hope that he did? But this was about him, not me, so told him the truth.

"No, not in a million years would someone like me that way."

It was just how things were. I would always be the extra, the spare. The first to die, the front-line shield. But I don't complain about any of this. I don't mind. I'd give myself for my friends, at least I'd be useful that way. And I was never looking for love in the first place.

But it would be a lie to say the way he laughed it off didn't hurt me.

So I held him tighter and apologized for not being able to help him more. I could only stay by his side as he cried from dusk to dawn. I didn't have any words that could heal his broken heart.

And if I couldn't mend my own friend, I don't deserve someone to mend myself.