W I T H O U T H E R

—

A U G U S T 1 8 , 1 9 9 8 (A FEW DAYS LATER, DONT WORRY IT WILL FLASHBACK)

my windows are still boarded shut.. I don't have the energy to undo them.

I don't have the energy to do anything, just stare at the empty ceiling, wishing and hoping that she will be okay...

I can't stop thinking about it.. about her mouth full of murky brown water that had just began filling and seeping into her lungs.

I just wanna see her happy again... see her smile...

I ... I messed up and hurt her... and I never wanted to do that but...

Hopefully one day she can forgive me for not loving her the way I should've...

—

F L A S H B A C K

A U G U S T 1 6 , 1 9 9 8

"Please! Kel!" I scream, giving compressions.

Quick enough she coughs up water and I grab onto her, "oh god Kel please.. I'm so sorry."

But she just cries, not being able to answer. "It all hurts!" She cries, sticking her face in my chest.

"I'll help you... I got you I promise.. I'll make it better.."

But she's bawling in my arms, and I grab her, pulling her up, and running out the back door, water pooling in the pharmacy easily.

My shoes wouldn't let me run, they were too wet, so I kick them off and hold her close. "I got you.."

But I don't know if I do.

She was so cold and wet and she was struggling to breathe, constantly more water being coughed up onto the back of my shirt.

"Why?" She mumbles..

"What?" I ask, running down the alleyway until I get on the main roads.

Everything smelt like salt water, but I still smelt the light scent of lemonade. I grab onto her soft thigh while my right hand holds her against me trying to make her as safe as possible.

She was soaked and so.. so cold.

And this time I couldn't give her warmth like normal..

"Why me?" She cries, as she coughs again, but she stars crying harder, "it's bloody Royce... it hurts.."

"I couldn't see what I had Kel..." I say, and I'm trying to be strong but my eyesight is filled with tears, falling down my cheeks as I hold onto her.

But she doesn't speak, and her body is going limp slowly.

My heart races as I look anywhere, but trees are falling in the roads and people can't get to me.

Tears stream down my face.

I never thought I'd be this close to a death again... it reminds me of my abusive foster dad, trying to carry him when I was fifteen because he has drank too much.

But now... now I love her.

And I don't think I should've been scared of her leaving, I knew she would come back.. she looked so happy that day... and I was finally myself again.

I should've been scared of her getting hurt... I shouldn't have taken her to the pier.. it was too close to her parents.

This is my fault, and now...

Now I'm close to death itself and holding it in my arms because I'm too scared of losing her... I can't...

I can't lose her when she thinks I hate her...

I run faster than ever before until I find the police station, banging and banging on the door until somebody lets me in. "You're lucky I'm on duty boy, what do you want?"

I push myself in and set her on the floor, "Help!" I scream.

I lift her shirt and take it off before showing him her back.

When her windows exploded she must've turned her back from them.

"Oh fuck-" he starts, running over to his phone.

"Get to the police station now-" he says into the phone.

"She's not fucking breathing!" I scream, flipping her back on her back and giving her mouth the mouth, but she was still.... so cold and lifeless...

I don't believe in god, and it's selfish to do so but... I pray to them if there is one whenever I need something. Now... now I know why none of those prayers came true before, because they knew I needed to save my prayers for her.

So please...

Don't take her away like everybody else, I just want one more chance, please..

I need one more chance...

Without her smiling at me I felt empty... and I'm not gonna fill that emptiness with Koa this time... I'm gonna fill it by doing everything I can for her. I need her back... I need her...

"The paramedics are coming, but the telephone lines went out... you're lucky you got here in time."

"Im hoping I'm lucky.." I mumble to myself, holding her close as my tears drop on her face.

"Fuck!" I say as I feel her heart beat, "Help! You know how to do compressions or some shit right? I don't know if I'm helping I just... help her please!"

He starts doing compressions, counting lightly under his breath, but her head slowly flops to the side.

I couldn't handle it anymore, I crawled backwards away from her until I hit a wall, bringing my hands up to my face and bawling.

Why did I do this?

He stops once she coughs up blood again, and I watch as she uses her good hand to crawl across the floor to me.

She falls limp as she sets her head on my knee.

She's crying.

A trail of blood goes wherever she goes.

I pull her up and hug her as tight as possible without hurting her. All I can hear is light whimpers from her as I bawl into her shoulder.

"Don't cry.. I love you still..." she mumbles, heavy breathing between each word until her eyes close and she's suddenly asleep.

—

FLASHBACK OVER

"your adoption test is tomorrow and you're gonna fail it if you don't get you ass up, Royce."

"No... I don't care about that anymore, Jack... I couldn't even keep my anger in check with Kelca. I'm 19... I need to slow down.... can I ask you something?"

"What?" He responds and I sigh, the dark room filling the void in my chest with sadness.

"Do you think she'll ever love me again?"

And he growls, "Yknow I don't... because she's the best most sweet girl I've ever met and she loved you with her whole heart, you could see it in her eyes and the way she looked at you. And every time you looked at Koa the way you did, like you still wanted her, it deteriorated her. What did you ever do for her?"

He made a good point, so I slip down the edge of my bed and wish that I did more...

Y'know what I did? No you don't

Because I did nothing

She touched me in ways I've never been touched before... she touched me like she cared and like I actually mattered. She held me. She gave me every single emotion I was starved of. She gave me everything I needed.

She made me happy.... she gave me this look whenever I talked to her and I asked her once why she was looking at me like that and she paused before she grabbed my face lightly and said "because I think that you're the most beautiful, genuine, amazing, and sweet man I've ever seen" then she leaned in and kissed my temple. So whenever she gave me that look and I wanted to kiss her, I would just kiss her temple. Why.. why did have kiss Koa's? Why did I do that?!

And then... and then

I can't sleep without her... all I can do is stay up all night trying to find something, anything, that will get her back. But I can't... and I know every little thing about her. I know her favorite colors are lilac and green. Her favorite foods are Funyuns and soft pretzels. Her idea of a perfect date was to go out of town to a random drive in movie theater, driving in the dark street with the street lights on and my hand on her thigh, and then when we get there we sit in the back of a pickup truck and snuggle... I was planning on taking her the day before she left. And she would be under me and I would kiss her and tell her how much I love her. Why couldnt I just tell her how much I loved her before this happened? Why did I do this to myself?

I know that she loves to snuggle whenever she cries because her tears don't get on anything but my chest. And I told her once that the wet stains on my chest were my favorite reminder of her. Of how I loved her and made her feel happy. I didn't tell her why I liked them though.. and this time I didn't make her happy.

What if she is crying right now? What if I'm missing it?! Oh god I think I'm missing it! Im failing her again... I didn't mean for this to happen.

I never meant to hurt her, because I do love her with all of my heart, more than I ever loved or will love Koa.

I... I wish we could stay together and I know I will never forget her and I hope one day we can be together but... I just want her to be happy and Jack is right... I made her feel like shit.

I just want one more chance and if I fail again she can leave forever and never come back or care about me... I just want her full trust in me again.. and I know I can win that back.

"I have a question to ask you, Royce. Did you really love her or do you just not want to let her down? Because I'm gonna be honest with you, you don't just accidentally fuck Koa. It's a conscious decision and I know because I've done it. And you kept over and over again betraying her, you admit it. That isn't love! That's you hurting her over and over and making her think that you loved her. You're fucking toxic, Royce! You just wanted the love while you're still hurting because Koa cheated on you and everybody leaving you makes you feel like you're not enough. And as soon as Kelca made you feel good you took her under your wing, and Koa... god that made her jealous just like you wanted... you got Koa back Royce but you lost Kelca... and you realized you didn't love Kelca until right then because you were lying to yourself to make yourself feel better."

"I do love her! I don't want to be stuck on Koa and I don't want to hurt her again and I- I did that with Koa because I.... I wanted Kel... and Koa reminded me of Kel.. have you seen them?! They don't look the same but god Koa had a little bit of Kelca left on her.."

"Kelca is nothing like Koa. Koa is a terrible girl who wanted to hurt a random girl because she made a mistake. And instead of taking Kel you made her feel like a piece of shit! You fucked Koa on purpose and you have been fucking her since you met Kelca. Stop lying!"

"Fuck fine!" I scream.

"But I... I do love her now- I just... I wanted Koa back at the beginning but I don't anymore-"

"You don't love her though Royce! You love the idea of her loving you, and even if you did... god you would hurt her again Royce! You've had so many chances! But Y'know you just did the same thing to Kel that Koa did to you unconsciously... why did you hurt her? She's such a sweet girl, Royce.."

"I know! I didn't mean for it to turn into this... I want... I want Kel back!" I scream, bawling as I stuff my face in my knees, my arms wrapped around them and my hair falling down.

"I want to hold her and I want her to be happy  and tell me she loves me and I... I wish I could go Back. I wish I could just show her the real me Jack.."

"good job Royce... you broke Kelca so you could have your cheating ex girlfriend back.."

"I don't want her back I just wanna be loved!"

"I told you this before I knew what a piece of shit you are Royce. I told you... don't let a Diamond slip through your fingers like water... but you did anyway. Kelca loved you more than Koa ever did... you know how she looked at you or how jealous she got when you were with Koa and... god you still hung out with the one girl she was terrified of because you are an insecure piece of shit-"

"I'm sorry..."

"No save your sorrow for Kel... because you took her relationship with her parents, her place to stay, her happiness, and then you cheated on her and took her virginity. Nice.."

He turns around and walks back out the door,

"Where are you going?" I ask and he sighs.

"I'm gonna go make sure Kelca is okay.... and I'm gonna let her and her mom stay with me.."

And he walks out...

I fiddle with my wallet before pulling the picture of Koa and Kel out and screaming ripping it into shreds..

But the part that mostly got ripped was Kel... and not Koa.. 

Tears seep out of my eyes every second as I cry, "no!" I bawl, grabbing the pieces together and trying to put them back together like a puzzle, but it doesn't look the same... she had a frown on her face..

That was the last thing I had of her smile... her beautiful smile...

I throw the pieces of Koa away and lay next to the puzzle even if it wasnt pretty, because that was all I head....
"I'm so sorry.." I cry...

"I'm so sorry.."

And my tears Create a puddle on the ground, staining my cheeks and erasing the stains of Kelca's tears with mine.

I sob, throwing the shirt off and holding it close, trying to get them back..

I mess every single little thing up... why? Why did I have to hurt her?

Like how I kicked her out of our bed to sleep next to Koa even though it was hers too... or how I fucked her when I knew.... I knew I didn't know how to love her the way she deserves

Because I know I love her, I definitely do...but...

I can't hurt her anymore

And I'm willing to wait until she's comfortable with me first.. I need to gain her trust back.

I just... I need to tell her.

Tell her I love her and would do anything for her any day... but that I can't hurt her anymore... I'm just not ready to love her how much I do yet.

Because I do love her.... and if she gets another boyfriend I don't think I could handle it because I'm selfish and dumb...

But maybe one day she'll forgive me if this time I stay...