W H A T A M I D O I N G ?

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A U G U S T 1 1 , 1 9 9 8

"I have to.... um... stay here too..? Please?" Koa says.

My face and heart drop.

What the fuck-

Royce furrows his eyebrows, "I'm not sure Koa... I'm already full here... you might've able to get to Jack's?"

"No no please! I won't be long my moms boyfriend is just staying over for two days and I don't like him. I'll sleep on the couch!"

Royce sighs, looking at me a little bit.

He hasn't looked me in the eyes in a few days, ever since Koa has been hanging out here more he's put more attention into her.

Right after his eyes looked at mine this look of guilt washed over his face.

What did he do? What's happening?

But he just moves his eyes as quick as possible and turns his head to her, "Uhh... fine. Be out quick.... just um... Kel can you talk to me?" He asks, but before I answer he grabs onto my wrist and stands up, tensely walking over to our room.

He slams the door and I wince, "Ow Royce! You're grip was so hard-"

He turns around quickly, pinning me against the door and pushing his lips against mine.

He had peach fuzz, soft against my skin, and his hands that pinned my wrists to the painted white wood were harsh but still so beautiful, veins covering them and his fingers slim.

But god his lips were so soft and it made me almost want to not do anything about the kiss, but I knew I had to call him out. He can't mess with my emotions this much after barely paying attention to me for one and a half weeks.

Let me put this into perspective for you in this freeze-frame like moment where my thoughts are racing at 100 mph.

After I helped the girls unpack sense they're staying here, he could barely look at Me.

I cooked him breakfast! Could barely look at me.

I watched a movie with Camden and his "girlfriend". He didn't once pay attention to me. He just sat next to me, his jaw tense, and his hand on my thigh.

It's funny how things can change so quickly and he's such an enigma.

I mean god did he get so offended when I said he'd choose a different girl one day that he just chose her now!?

But Y'know, we will have to see.

I push my wrists against his fingers that held them back and he knew well enough what that meant so he stopped, and pulled back with a look of guilt but oh so much sorrow and confusion.

"Look I've not been taking this the way I should-"

"What the fuck!?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

I don't get angry often, it's only occasional, but when I do... it's because I'm truly and utterly hurt to my core.

And I'm hurt, because he.... he broke his promises. So many of them.

That he'd never leave me, that he'd never hurt me, that he'd never... ever... choose somebody else...

"What? What do you mean? I- I can explain how I've been acting Kelca-"

"Oh really?" I ask with a scoff, "So you can explain why you've randomly got the audacity to kiss me after you ignored me and hurt me for ten days? After you spent most days combing your fingers through Koa's hair? After telling me you wouldn't choose somebody else? You're so fucking quick to switch huh?"

"Wait no please! I didn't mean to-"

"You didn't mean to what? Kiss me? Break me? Or love her. Because I god damn know that if you got to choose who to kiss you'd choose her or if you got to chose who you love you'd love her. I just know since you're already so excited to break me so that you can do those things."

I push my wrists against him and he finally lets me slide out from his hold.

I scoff, "I just think it's funny how quick you change when you got the opportunity... I should stop trying to make you care about me the way you care about her.. and I thought that at least we could be friends bet when you have her you can't have anybody else. Or at least you can't have me.... because I'm too much of a threat I guess? Even though countless numbers of times for the past few days you have chosen her... and her... and her-"

"You don't understand why I'm doing this-"

"If you felt about me the same way I feel about you, then you wouldn't have switched to her every chance you got Royce. That's what I understand."

And I turn the purple painted door handle and walk out, getting ready for the toddlers and Royce's dad who are coming over to celebrate Royce's adoption test coming up.

And in walks Royce's dad, early of course with another carrot cake in hand since the last one I gobbled up so quickly.

"Hey Gerald!" I call, and Royce walks out of the room, angry as can be, but puts a nice smile on his face.

"Hey dad!" Royce says, walking up and giving him a hug, I grab the carrot cake out of the way. He releases from the hug and half-hugs me.

I smile, opening a drawer and getting out a knife. "Can I?"

I ask and he takes a deep laugh, "Of course you can Kelca dear! It's funny how much you love your carrot cake though!"

"You can't blame me!" I scream as I move it to a plate. I walk over to the living room and sit next to Tay, her watching the tv intently. She loved this show.

I hand her a bite of cake unconsciously as Royce and Gerald talk.

"How have you been?" His dad asks and he sighs, "Worse than in a long time, but I have plans to make it better tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is the last day the pier is open before the hurricane, you thinkin that will make you happier?"

He laughs a little, sitting down on the stool across from Gerald's stool. "Well not just that, but that makes me a little happy in itself for sure."

"When's the hurricane coming?" I ask them, interrupting slightly.

"It's coming in a week. Don't you live by the coast?"

"Yeah I do but I'm living here right now." I say, he smirks lightly but shakes it off. Royce's stare on me was heavy.

"Well if you go back to the coast, make sure you leave as soon as you can for the hurricane. We don't get them often but every fifteeen years or so we get a big one and it crashes the entire coast."

"Well will Royce's apartment be okay?" I ask and he sighs, "Well Royce picked a good spot, and plus his building his made from cement and bricks, but there's always a chance. Probably at least a broken window."

"But I can fix a window pretty quickly." He mumbles, standing up and preparing the other foods for when the guests like Noa and Cece and Camden get here.

Oh how excited I am to see Camden and Noa again, they are too cute. And I heard once Bev turns 18 he might adopt Cam too...

But at this rate, I'll probably be gone by then...

I think... I think maybe I need to go back home. Royce obviously wants Koa here more than me..

And my dad isn't gonna be happy either way, ive been gone for two weeks now.

I need to quit while I'm ahead...

—

"CAM!" I scream, grabbing him from Connie's arms.

"Hi Kel!" He says, wrapping his little arms around me as much as possible.

Royce takes off his apron, being done cooking now that they came in. He stares at me the entire time as he places the apron down on the counter, folded up nicely.

His eyes on me felt like this intense sensation that filled throughout me and made me self conscious of my every move, made me constantly think about him and forcing myself not to look into his eyes.

He doesn't care about me anymore....

"Can you give me just a second Cam?" I ask and he nods, climbing up into Gerald's lap in the stool, "papa!" He calls him.

I smile a little walking over to Tay and whispering in her ear, "talk. My room. Now."

And I walk over to me and Royce's room, Tay signaling Beverly to follow.

I jump in our bed, his smell radiating from his side.

"Y'all... he doesn't love me... it's so obvious."

"Yes he does, Kel!" Bev says, sighing.

"No he doesn't! Have you seen him with her! He doesn't like me any more even if he did... I need to go back to my parents and just... restart."

"No! You don't... ugh I can't tell you." Tay said.

Bev shook her head, "no I'm gonna say it bc when Royce has his months long temper tantrum over Kel leaving he'll forgive me for this bc she'll come back. Anyway... when you went to get lunch with Koa Royce went into Tay's room where we were sitting and asked us how you felt right now. I almost cussed the poor guy out bc he's ignoring you, but... Royce came in the room asking about you because he wanted to make sure you didn't hate him. You see, he recently came across some... fuck it he got a note from your mom saying that you're dad was gonna hurt you and she needed you to stay there where he couldn't find you until she could get you on the twenty fifth. He said he was scared because he knew you were gonna leave.. He said he couldn't talk to you without flirting or touching you or fake bullying you so he had to ignore you, he needed to make you two just friends bc he didn't want to experience heart break with you with this.. new info... and he couldn't do that bc he loved you too much to just be friends. My real dad when he went through the divorce used to say 'if you can stay friends after you break up you never really loved each other'. I mean I'm pissed at him, I told him it doesn't matter because he knows you're coming back but all he could say over and over again was that... you were leaving him."

I sink Into the bed as Bev finishes her speech, and I was just crying.

"Kelca what's wrong!?" Tay asks, coming to my side but I laugh a little, rubbing them away, but they still replace themselves.

"I wanted him to love me... but he could never just say it. He always had to say that he didn't want to talk about it... it was my nightmare coming true when he ignored me because it screamed that he only liked me for a second for fun... I just wanted him to love me. I... it's so sad he thinks I'm leaving him on purpose! My dad just... snapped. I'm so sorry I was a mistake-" I cry more, and here a knock on the door, Royce walking in.

He sees me and his eyebrows furrow. "What the fuck did you do to Kelca!?" He screams at them but Tay growled.

"We fixed your mess, you made her cry asshole." Tay says and I sigh, trying to stop them but they keep coming. I can't tell if they were sad or joyful. Because I liked Tayana calling him out..

Royce's face drops as Bev walks by him, clearly slightly angry about how he dealt with that note. Tay kisses his cheek and leaves.

I cover my face, "Go..." Is all I can mumble.

I... I want to hear it from him. I want him to feel bad for how he's treating me, Because Bev is right. It's not just him in this world, he can't just assume I'm leaving him for a month so he wants to hurt me and get with Koa. Or at least... he could've left Koa out of it. He's not mine... but it hurts so bad seeing him with her in the spot in the couch that I was in with him.

It just reminded me of him putting the blunt between my lips and cuddling and watching movies. Everything he would refuse to do with me now.

"Um..." he swallows, "I know I've been... different the past few days but I'm always here-"

"You haven't just been different Royce! You hurt me and you know it... why? Why are you with her Royce?"

His face drops lower, his eyes swell up, and his breathing gets heavy.

"Oh god... what am I doing?" He asks

"Yeah.. what are you doing?"

I stop the tears since I have to, holding them in, and fix my hair while I get up and walk out of the room.

He needs to know he hurt me... he needs to apologize.

I jump into Cam and he giggles, I grab him from Geralds lap and smile. "Thanks for holding him for me."

And I throw him up and and catch him easily.

"No! Ahh!" He screams before I catch him and I laugh.

"I gotcha buddy!" I say lightly with a laugh.

Royce doesn't come back out for a second, and when he does Cece is just getting here with Noa.

Cam jumps off my lap and runs towards her, and I follow, Noa hugging me too.

"Awe I love you two..."

And I could sense Royce's stare from my peripherals. I grab a few crackers with some cheese and ham on it and smile, handing it to them.

"Say thank you to Royce, yall." I say, and they in unison say "thank you woy woy!"

Royce puts his hand on my lower back and crouched down with me, grabbing a cracker from my hand and feeding it to me.

I grab the rest of it and get up and walk away.

He owes me an apology..