W A S I T W O R T H I T

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A U G U S T 1 9 , 1 9 9 8

ringing...

Ringing was all I heard along with the faint sounds of somebody speaking in the distance as though I were in a box and they were outside of it, rubbing it in my face that they weren't the one in the box...

My leg bounced up and down. I sat in the hospital chair, my eyes looking into nothing but everything surrounding me all at once. It was terrible, I felt numb and like nothing would change anything.

My stomach was still churning and my eyes hadn't stopped crying for the last six hours... they just leaked and leaked until they dried out and then I just cried again.

It was 12:00 am, Kelca's entire family was in the waiting room, her dad pacing back and forth and her mom staring at the floor with her knees up to her chest.

"Fuck!" Her dad screams, the nurses shush him but he just shakes his head. It was a small town, only us were in here and a few visitors for people hurt during the hurricane. So I didn't care what happened or what they said, I only cared that she was okay.

She was the only thing on my mind... and she had been dead for at least three minutes when somebody finally saw us.

I was still just holding her in my arms. Crying as more blood slowly leaked down her cheeks.

I only tune into some type of sound when I hear a dreadful scream of pain from Kelca's Mother, and sobs followed afterwards. My lips part as I look at the floor, listening for a second more..

"The pre-existing condition Kelca had plus putting that much strain on her lungs made her severely at risk, I'm not sure what we could've done-"

I stand up staring at her, "Is she okay?" I ask and the doctors eyebrows furrow.

"Well... Kelca's pre-existing condition-"

"What condition?" I ask while Kelca's mother sobs. Trent states into nothing, looking up at me and lightly saying. "Kelca had always talked about how she felt this way she couldn't explain... I don't know why she didn't tell you but apparently it got worse so I assume she knew it was ending soon-"

"What was ending?!" I ask in a growl, turning to the doctor with my teeth clenched and my breathing heavy.

I felt like I knew what they were about to say.. and I hated it.

What I also hated though was the fact that Kelca didn't tell me... I don't care whether or not she had a disease or no hair and I don't care about anything really as long as I get her...

"Well Kelca had previously existing lung cancer which was getting to around stage two, pretty good, but the fact that they hadn't found out meant she already didn't have a good chance. I assume that this cancer has popped up from a radiator or a boiler room in one of her previous living spaces. But the impact the water had on her lungs was severe and her last doctor didn't know about her condition so he let her go. Kelca had what is called a large scale hemoptysis, coughing up 3/4 of a cup or more of blood, which has a mortality rate of 80%... Mister Jewwly... Kelca Kellinoals has passed.."

When we met she fell into my arms like a literally angel or a present that my parents from above had given me.... she kept falling and it just made me know I needed her. I needed to show her me and just trust the process....

Soon enough she kissed me on the dock on the way to get tattoos.... she looked at a magazine for rings while we were there, staring at the pretty one and that was when I planned when to get it.

I mean... I was always scared. But once I was for sure... I went and got that ring.

And she was finally mine with so many other events in between that made me sick to my stomach thinking back on them.

Sick because I miss her...

I miss her being happy and now it'll never happen again.

My face goes slack as I swallow, my breathing heavy. The ringing came back, I felt like I couldn't stand or do anything and my entire body was tingling but stiff and I couldn't tell what was happening anywhere.. all I knew for certain was that I needed her. I needed her in my arms and to hold me and tell me that it was ok, her fingers running through my hair and her lips kissing my temple. I needed to see her with Camden again and I needed to feel her again and all I wanted was to see her happy... at least I got a mental picture of her bloody smile though..

But the one picture I had of her was with fucking Koa and inripped it up and I can't even see her anymore.

All I have left of her is her clothes and a perfume bottle she left on my nightstand that smells just like she did..

Right about then was when I shook my head, the first tears starting to fall. "Let me see her." I demand and the doctor shakes her head, opening her mouth to speak but I scream it again. "Let me see her!"

"I'm sorry but you aren't allowed to see a dead body, sir-"

I sprint as fast as I can past her and behind the hallway door and running to her room number. "Security!" She screams as big men run after me but I run into the hospital room and lock the door, turning around to face her and leaning against it but god...

I fell to the ground and slowly crawled towards the bed.

She was all I had, she was the first person to want to get to know me, she was the first person to make me happy, she was everything to me...

She made life worth living because of those stupid looks she gave or how she would kiss from the back of my hand to my upper arm and then finally on my lips. Or when she sat on my lap and put her head on my shoulder or when she would bake me those stupid fucking brownies because I told her they were my favorite.

She made them better than anybody else...

I slowly crawl up onto the bed and lay on my side next to her body, holding her close as security guards pound on the door.

I wouldn't ever do anything to her dead body, but I just wanted to hold her. Hold her one last time in the hopes that she was still alive. 

But seeing her like this broke me, and I couldn't just hold her anymore, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed soaking her skin because she didn't have a shirt on anymore, she was covered by a hospital blanket with a big cut down her chest. They tried to save her...

She can't be dead she can't be...

"It's not real right?" I ask her, seeing stitches creating a smile around her mouth.... they cut her open.

She doesn't answer..

A rough scream escapes my throat as I cry holding onto her tightly as they finally open the door. They take my arms roughly and pull me away, and I scream and cry as they pull me down the hallway.

"I need her I need her!" I scream, watching as they close the door again. I slip out of their hold and run down the hall again slipping at the door and pounding against it. "Please! Open the door please Kel! You can't die you can't die you're not dead baby... I told you I'd save you I told you.. Kelca open the door! Please!"

Big men grab my arms again and throw me back into the waiting room, where I sit on the ground with tears in my eyes. "If you go back there again we're kicking you out. There's nothing you can do bud. Go home to cry about it."

Her family stares at me aggressively, Trent standing up and holding me by my collar. "I know you loved her but go home. She didnt love you anymore-"

"Yes she did she did love me she said she'd take me back... she said so and I wasn't gonna do anything wrong this time! I wasn't gonna do anything wrong! I loved her more than you ever did-"

"No you didn't! I lost everything for her-"

"And you didn't let her live your mistakes down! that's not love! You guys used her and took her for granted and when she was finally happy you took her away from me!"

"She was my daughter! She wasn't yours yet.. I was supposed to have more time! I miss her Royce... I miss her so much I miss how cute she was when we were sixteen and how excited she was when I got home from my last day of school in senior year. I don't know why I was so mean I just wanted her longer..."

I stand up, standing tall over him with furrowed eyebrows, opening my mouth to speak but Mrs Kellinoals cut me off. "Royce-"

The doors slam open and Trent and Kels moms faces light up.

"Momma.." Trent starts, before pulling the old woman into his arms..

Her grandparents... "is she okay? Where is she? is she okay?" They start and Trent bawls into her shoulders as tears slip down my cheeks. I look down at my feet.

"She's dead momma... we lost her... we lost her.."

Guilt seeps through me as I look at Mrs Kellinoals.

"Do you hate me?" I ask lightly and she shakes her head, "no.."

Slowly I sit on her lap and pull her into a hug. "I can't live without her Ma'am.. she was the only thing that made me happy.."

She cries lightly, ".. I'm so sorry Royce.. but she's not coming back.."

I stand up, looking at her grandparents who dab their under eyes with tissues. "Who are you love?" The little lady asks as Trent holds onto his dad.

"That was Kel's friend-" "Im her boyfriend." I say, cutting Trent off with furrowed eyebrows. "She barely knew you-"

"She knew everything about me! God I bought her a fucking ring Trent! The day you took her I went and bought her a fucking ring!"

"Well she would be alive if it wasn't for you!" Trent calls. Standing in front of me like he's high and mighty, my lips part as I look at Mrs Kellinoals who opens her mouth and yells at Trent.

But he was right....

"No no no Jack told me what he fucking did, Delilah! And I got one thing to ask you bud..

was it fucking worth it?"

My face drops as I look around. The tears stop coming just for a second as I look at her grandparents who are filled with confusion.

I could've had this family be mine...

But instead my legs take control of themselves and I run out of the hospital, I run to my car and press as hard as I can on the gas pedal, swerving down streets until I stumble up the steps of my apartment.

I was embarrassed and hurt and scared... and I'm denial... it can't be true.... she can't leave me like this. She said she'd come back when she leaves...

She said she'd come back.

I told the girls they couldn't come over for a few days, but said they could come over again today... I expected to have her back today, or at least for her to be alive.

I stumble in, but as soon as I close the door I slip down the wall and scream, it was so grey everywhere and nothing had color anymore and all I felt was pain.

They were right...

She'd be alive if it wasn't for me.

And it wasnt worth it...

I remember everything I remember meeting her and feeling this pit in my stomach as I walked away. I knew I needs to see her again then.

I remember when I met her I walked along the top of the bench, my adhd taking over me as she spoke, but I was listening to her so deeply. I listened to every word she spoke and when I was walking away I stared at her so aggresively, watching the way her face moved when she talked and trying to act cool despite the fact that I thought she was so beautiful.

And then when I met her the next day at that party, and now.. I wish so badly that I would've stayed next to her In the sand and not left for that tourist. I wish that all the times I left her I could get back... I need her back...

I can't live without her...

I remember the first day she started using the lemonade perfume or the day she finally got her braces off.

And I remember more than anything her face when she saw me with Koa... I never got to hear a happy "I love you." From Kel... she was always so sad.

And I really wish that I wasn't so mean to her, that my temper hadn't snapped with her....

I mean I remember at one of the parties when a guy said that she was hot and I just started throwing blind punches, I was so filled with rage. And yet I couldn't except how I felt then.

I remember how she pulled me back and I immediately knew it was her by the feeling of her hands that I had memorized. Her eyes squinted at me and she rubbed my face with her left hand, and she just quietly mumbled "calm down, baby.."

And it fixed my entire day.

You could tell that moment that she was embarrassed that nickname had slipped out of her mouth. 

But I grabbed her hand, stood up and laughed, running to an alley with her, a smile on my face, before kissing her right then.

I loved her then too..

I loved her since the day I met her..

And I wasted it..

I wasted my shot..

She said she'll see me again but will she?

Will she be the same? No.. she'll never be her again.. I made her nothing but a memory... I made her entire family lose her, something they had lost their lives for.

And worst of all.. I lost her forever..

There's no more notes saying I love her and there's no more being okay because I know she's healthy and happy... there's never gonna be that. Because she's gone..

There's no more hugs and no more carrot cakes and no more blue slushee stained lips..

there's no more holding my fingers to her mouth to let her smoke and no more temple kisses and no more of her dragging her fingers up and down my abs and just watching her finger absentmindedly.

There's no more her..

No more Kelca Kellinoals...

The girls rushed out of their rooms, they had no idea what had happened these last few days and I don't know if I have the ability to tell them now...

"Royce! Royce??" The girls call, dropping to my side has I sob, nothing being able to come out of my mouth as I heave. I felt empty and broken... Because it was all happening at once... I never get to look at her again. And I don't get any more I love you's

I don't get anything with her.. she's gone... she's gone..

"It's..." I heave, wiping my tears but they just keep falling, "It's Kel..."

"What happened to Kel, Bubs? What's wrong?! Is she okay?" Bev asks grabbing onto my face and pushing my hair out of the way.

But it just hurt more, because it reminded me of her and her running her fingers through my hair. My face was completely covered in tears as I look at Bev and Tay with blurry vision. Tay's face full of fear.

"She's dead.."

And it wasn't worth it... nothing would be.