C H A N G E O F H E A R T

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J U L Y  1 9 9 8

"Oh hun you don't have to play truth or dare to kiss me-" he starts, but I turn my head to stare at him in hurt. My eyes were glossy and my jaw had dropped.

He had just kissed me...

What did he mean?

Maybe it was a one time thing, huh? I mean he did say he didn't ever wanna know how I felt about him...

His face falls a little, his smile obliterated as he stares me deep in the eyes.

His eyes shone with a gleam that shows me that he wants to say something, but his lips don't move and his vocals don't ring in my ears.

He stays silent.

"Well then come kiss me, Royce." She says, smirking at him. Jack puts a look of pure disgust on his face, but I also had that look.

Royce stares at me for a second more, and in that time Koa continues her reign of terror over the apartment. "Just like the old days.." she giggles.

I sniff a little, looking at Royce with my jaw practically laying on the floor. My view gets covered in a visible sheen, I can tell from the way he stares at me for those few extra seconds that he sees it.

I don't know what's happening.

I've never been jealous over his hookups before. I've never been jealous of the girls he talked to or how he flirted with everybody, even my dad.

I turn away from him for once he tears his gaze away from me.

I'm sick of not being able to look away from him... I mean god I just couldn't stop looking at him.

He looked like he was truly sad.

But it was fine, just act normal. In two months it won't matter.

Which leads to the fact that It's already been a month!

And I fucking kissed him. Now if I mess up he can't leave my memories as quickly as possible, and I mess up a lot. Way too much...

Royce swallows, and thankfully, turns to the tv again.

"Oh wow I forgot about you and Koa's thing back in high school!" Jack jokes and Royce rolls his eyes. "I wouldn't call it a thing, Jack."

He sounded nervous.

"Uh huh," Koa starts, raising an eyebrow at him with a small smile. "You're acting like I didn't make you the man whore you are."

I furrow my eyebrows, and while preparing for the inevitable Royce slides his hand over the couch and and place his hand lightly on my thigh. It was kind of like him telling me he cared... or maybe he was just trying to keep me from running when I heard what they were.

I shake him off, kind of angry he didn't tell me this.. thing... earlier.

"I thought you guys didn't know each other very well?" I ask him, looking over at him with a clenched jaw.

I slowly slip off of his lap, walking over to Jack and sitting on his lap instead.

Royce's Eyes darken. His eyebrows furrow a little as he stares at me.

He gave me a look that just screamed, "What the HELL!?"

I raise an eyebrow, my jaw clenched. I wanted to here what they were.  He quickly turns over to Koa.

Koa laughs, "well we didn't know each other in the traditional sense. But he for sure fucked me a whole lot."

My eyebrows raise in surprise as I take in a sharp breath, "Damn. Y'all were horny mother fuckers."

"Oh stop acting like I'm not constantly horny at all times, Sweetheart." He jokes, looking at me directly for a reaction.

I roll my eyes, leaning back in the direction farthest from him and looking at Jack. "You wanna pull a Koa?" I ask and he laughs a little cheekily. "I'd love to-"

Royce was stiff as a rock next to me, staring at me with distaste. He was rather.. unhappy.. about my query for Jack.

Royce took my leg forcibly and put it over his so my leg was crossing the table, rubbing them lightly with his thumb. I move my leg away.

"While getting things out of the way. I was also an alcoholic in high school. Obviously, since I picked Koa to lose my virginity to-" he says, his head pointed toward Koa but his eyes staring at me.

"Hey!" She says with a laugh. He flips her off jokingly and looks at me. His eyes shone with seriousness.

"Seb was my best friend who got me into drinking. I obviously cut him off and got out of addiction, though I still drink socially aka the beers."

"Damn. Imagine having friends and life drama." I joke, before my eyes go wide.

"Wait I actually do know some stuff about random popular people from the schools I've gone to!" I say.

I'm definitely at least a little bit high.

"Ooh tell us!!!" Koa asks, her legs pushed up to her chest.

After those stories ended, I was in a new set of clothes, which were actually Royce's. He told me he would bring Bev her clothes I borrowed tomorrow.

I was wearing his sweatpants and a baggy pink T-shirt. I didn't want to though, I was still angry at him.

It was dark out, which was to be guessed at the time of day, and thankfully I get to sleep over here with Royce. It makes me think of last night, our bodies pressed against each other.

But last night was different.

Because Koa wasn't there...

Koa, the girl that Royce lost his virginity to. Koa, the girl that is almost exactly like Royce except the girl version. The girl who has the prettiest body, the prettiest black hair, and the most amazing personality. Though she was a bit invasive at times. She was exactly like Royce.

Maybe that's why everybody likes her. I mean everybody likes Royce.

But what's making me go in this internal rant is what had happened in front of me only mere seconds before.

Royce had just turned the tv off, so only a couple small side table lights were on. Jack was urging me to get some sleep, and Royce was rolling his eyes.

Koa let out a small laugh and waved to us, "I'm gonna go sleep because my mom likes to call out a bunch of police if I don't come back before seven am."

She looked finally at Royce, pointing her finger towards his room with a quirked eyebrow, no spoken words necessary.

He nods a little, a small smirk on his face. My eyebrows raise as she walks into his room.

I thought I was gonna....

it's nothing.

And basically now you're caught up.

"Dude you're gonna let Koa into your room? She's a little bit drunk and angry at her mom, she'll definitely try to fuck you." Jack says, running his fingers through his brown hair.

"Oh come on everybody needs some lovin' I touch Kelca too much anyway." He says with a laugh. I swallow, bringing my legs up to my chest as I sit down for comfort.

"You are the weirdest guy I've ever met." Jack says, waving a little as he slowly starts walking over to the couches with his hands in key pockets. It was obvious why he didn't want to sleep in a sixteen or a fourteen year old girl's bed.

"You can sleep on a couch or Bev's bed, I know shes be fine with it." Royce mumbles, pushing his lips together. He looks at the ground, "or sleep next to Jack or something." He mumbles, a ring to his voice. I don't know why it echoed through my ears so much.... but maybe it was because of how little he cared.

I mean of course I'm just nit picking, I am so grateful for everything Royce has bought me and given me and how he is my friend and so many things, I mean he just let me into his personal life.

But also... he didn't care if I went and slept on top of Jack after he kissed me.

He kissed me and nothing about it even matters...

So when he starts walking towards his bedroom door, waiting with his hand on the handle as though he wanted me to come over to him and beg him to let mensleep next to him, and Jack is sitting on the couch sleeping with a space left for me, I know which one to choose.

I turn away from Royce and begin walking down the hallway again. I don't wanna know what would happen in that room with Royce and Koa, but thats okay.

I have to leave soon anyway.... the only way for me to stay is if Royce asked or something. My parents loved Royce.

I was about to walk out into the living room where Jack could see me, but Royce grabs my hand and pulls me back down the hallway, pushing me into his small towel closet.

He grabs my jaw with both and leans down, smashing his lips against mine.

I, though I obviously don't want to, melt into his touch as he pins me against the wall. "I'm sorry I was such a dick.." he mumbles, "I just want Koa to like me.." he mumbles.

I laugh, "Why? You're the most like able person I've ever known-"

"You didn't know me in high school, Kel." He mumbles lightly, "Its somebody who I don't ever want to be again. She only knew that. I wanna prove to her that I'm me now. That wasn't me."

"Well... I think if she can't understand that... who cares? It's one person!"

"Yea but it's the one opinion out of thousands of people that I care about. I only care what she thinks of me, Kel."

I furrow my eyebrows a little, "1.) I understand that you care about it but it means nothing. 2.) do you not care what I think?"

"Well to say it right back 1.) I know, 2.) I mean, I would die if you had a bad perception of me because you know who I really am."

"I don't think I could ever have a bad perception of you, Royce. You're amazing."

"Well doesn't that mean the world to me?" He says with a little laugh. "I just really care about her, Kel." He says, his eyes digging into mine.

"What changed?" I ask lightly and he raises an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I... when did you start caring about her so much."

"Well I lost my v-card to her, Kel. I've cared about her for a while. It's just... she reminded me where my priorities are today." He says, swallowing.

"What are your priorities?" I ask lightly, but he looks down at my feet.

"Just not to get caught up in what's in front of me."

"What the hell does that mean!?" I ask lightly and he rolls his eyes, "That I need to do something with my life and she's a good option."

"She just straight up told you to marry her?" I ask and he growls, "No.. she just. I don't wanna talk about it. Just know... I want you to forget about what happened earlier."

I furrow my eyebrows, moving as far away from him as I can. "What?"

"I just... I told you I don't wanna hear you say what you feel so the best way to do that is to forget-"

"But you kissed me!" I start, anger seeping from me. "Yeah but... it's just what I do. I'm sorry?"

He definitely was not genuine about that apology.

"Fine. Goodnight." I mumble, turning the doorknob.

He grabs my wrist, holding the door closed as he presses himself up against my back.

"Please don't leave like that..."

"Let me go, Royce."

"No, I didn't mean to make you angry, Kel. It's just... you're leaving!"

My wrist goes limp, the idea coming back to my head like a wave crashing over the sand on the beach.

"Why does it always have to be about that?!" I ask, tears seeping from my eyes. I hope he doesn't see them... I hope he doesn't hear them in my voice....

I rip his hand off of me and walk out the door.

He grabs my wrist once again and whispers, "Please don't go sleep next to him."

But why does it matter to him, to his blonde head? I don't care... I don't care what he thinks.

I walk off again, walking towards Jack with a small smile, the light of the tv barely lighting up his face in pale purple light.

"Heyo..." he mumbles lightly, opening up the throw blanket that's covering him and leaning his arms out in a 'come here' motion.

I put my knee down on the couch, about to lay down, but a pair of arms go around my waist.

"What the fuck dude?" Jack asks, but Royce shrugs as he throws me over his shoulder and starts walking away.

"Sorry dude, just gotta settle some business. I'll send Koa out here." He says.

I hear Jack growl as we walk into Royce's room. I'm stiff and still, quite angry with his behavior, but he keeps going.

I dig my nails lightly into his back, but he doesn't seem to care.

"Koa, out."

"What?" She asks, sitting up tiredly from under his grey sheets. "I'm sorry Koa, but I have to talk to Kelca."

"Trust me I don't wanna be in this situation either.." I mumble in a groan, but Royce jokingly spanks me.

I gasp and he laughs a little.

Koa doesn't seem amused.

"I just told you about your priorities Royce-"

"Yea and I have years to get to those. I have a month and a half left with Kel. Her almost walking out of a door a few seconds ago reminded me of that. Please leave and I promise I'll sleep next to you next time"

She growls a little, getting up and revealing her small underwear-like pajamas that she wanted to put to use with him.

But he cares about me, even with his sudden change of heart from her talk of "priorities."

Once she leaves and the door is closed, he throws me over onto the bed.

"Tell me what's wrong." He demands, crawling over me with one knee between my legs, keeping them open and keeping me down.

"No." I shoot back.

He smirks lightly, his hand lightly trialing a finger up my arm until his hand gets to my neck.

He holds onto my throat, hovering over me with his hand holding him up beside my head. "If you wanna do it that way we can do it that way."

"Well if I wanna be a little bitch-"

"You always are, Sweetheart." He says sarcastically with a small smirk.

Butterflies swirl around in my stomach like a tornado, his fingers around my neck burning into my skin like a tattoo.

"What even is doing it 'that way'?" I ask and he smiles a little, holding my arms down above me and leaning his head down.

"This.." he mumbles against my skin, his breath ricocheting off of me.

He slowly pressed a kiss against my neck, moving the hand that was around it under the small of my back and pushing me up so that my stomach is pressed against his.

"Royce... what are you doing?" I ask, my voice slightly shaky as nerves run through me. His lips against my neck, digging in like thanksgiving dinner.

"Waiting for you to stop me." He mumbles.

"You're the one that wanted to stop this-"

"I didn't ever want to Kelca, I just felt like I had to. But itll be a night full of me teasing you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"You're such a horny motherfucker." I say lightly, a pit forming in my stomach as he finds the hickey on my neck that he gave me earlier and smiles.

"No, you will be though and I'll do nothing about it if you don't tell me-"

"Fine!" I say with a laugh, pushing him off of me and resting my head on his shoulder as he lays back. He soothes me with his hand running along my back and a small scalp massage.

"I... I don't want it to always be about me leaving, Royce..."

"But... I have to know that you are unless I'll get attached-"

"Yea but I want you to get attached. I want it so bad because I've never got it. Not even my parents are attached to me, I'm like their coworker. It feels like I can never just stay down and I'm constantly in a moving storm that never ends. I just wanna be happy in my own pretend world acting like I can stay in your arms forever." I say, my voice shaky.

He waits to make sure I'm done, but then holds me closer to him and bites his lip. "Then you can be..."

And he did. He held me in his arms like whatever we did today didn't matter but only tomorrow. Because tomorrow is a new day with new things in store.

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HEYO!!!!

if this chapter was confusing I'm really sorry :( I'm getting to the point of the book where I get excited and I tend to add things that don't need to be added. But I hope it was good! If you couldn't tell, Royce is a little confused with what he should do.

Tell me what you think!