Hindi ko gets sa mga minor subject requirements kung bakit daig talaga nila minsan ang sa mga major subjects.

Our instructor was discussing about his final requisite given that the final stage was already nearing. Parang kape lang talaga iyong finals minsan—lakas magpakaba.

"Umaasa akong lahat kayo ay makakapagpasa dahil madali lang naman 'yon at mahaba pa ang oras."

Napanguso ako. Madalas talaga, joker ang mga instructor na nagbibigay ng projects. Anong madali ang sinasabi nitong si Sir? Pero sige na nga. Kuwento niya 'yan, eh.

"That is all for that. Naisingit ko lang ang tungkol sa final project ninyo. Let's now continue with our lesson."

Tahimik akong bumuntong-hininga saka tumayo. Sa gilid ako dumaan palabas ng classroom habang nagpatuloy na sila sa discussion ng huling topic na rin namin.

Nanginginig na dumiretso ako sa restroom dahil lamig na lamig na talaga ako kanina pa. I was just waiting for our instructor to conclude his announcement. Parang nagiging fridge na kasi minsan sa lamig ang classroom.

And to my misfortune, there were more days that I'd forget to bring a jacket than those days that I'd remember.

I was rubbing my palms against each other to feel some heat before I strode toward the hand dryer which was my sole purpose in going here. Pinainitan ko ang mga kamay dahil halos magyelo na ang mga ito.

I stared at myself in the wide restroom mirror right before me as I warmed. I had fair skin that appeared pale since I was currently freezing. But I liked how my lips still managed to look glossy pink despite the soft trembling.

May kasingkitan ang mga mata ko kaya halos walang nakita nang matinding humikab. Inaayos ko na ang lagpas kaunti sa dibdib na buhok at strawberry hair clips sa magkabilang banda ng ulo nang humikab uli.

Si Sir, oh! Hindi lang joker kasi sleeping pill na rin!

Upon getting anxious that I might be missing a whole semester kahit na ilang sandali pa lang naman akong nawala sa classroom, lumabas na ako.

Mabilis ang lakad ko, kung hindi ko lang sana napansin ang gulat sa mukha ng isang lalaki nang makita ako. He had a quick reflex to cover his face with his backpack that his friends eyed him with surprise etched on their faces.

His friends searched for the cause of his reaction. Tumama sa akin ang tingin ng dalawa, nagliwanag ang mga mukha, at tinawanan iyong kaibigan nila.

I continued walking but at a relatively slower pace. Medyo napaisip ako roon. Did he hide his face from me? Or was I just assuming things?

Pati rin naman sila ay patuloy na naglakad, iyong isa ay nakatakip pa rin ng bag sa mukha. My forehead crinkled and... yes, it bothered me a bit.

What was the matter with these three tall guys? Oo, ang tatangkad nila! Sila 'yong bagay gawing trees sa role plays noong grade school... ang kaso lang, may mga face value rin kaya sayang naman.

"Balitang-balita, sa radyong sira! Uno Zorca, hiyang-hiya!" narinig kong tukso ng isa nang magkalagpasan na kaming apat.

My lips went ajar as recognition dawned on me. Kagabi lang naman iyon nangyari kaya naalala ko agad. So, he was that Uno Zorca! Ang wrong sender!

Napangiti ako at nilingon uli silang tatlo. None of them was looking at my direction at the moment.

"Hindi ka naman kilala no'n, brad, ano ka ba!" sabi naman ng isa kay Uno.

Diyan sila nagkakamali. Kilala ko na kaya. Uno Zorca; the wrong sender.

Knowing about it got me less bothered. Diniretso ko na uli sa daan ang tingin. He was that shy because of it? Ano ba siya, okay lang naman 'yon! Kahit medyo nairita ako sa texts niya, wala na sa akin 'yon!

Nangingiti tuloy akong napailing. Naalala ko kasi iyong gulat niya nang makita na makasasalubong ako.

Pero, wait...

My forehead crinkled again upon realizing something. Alam niyang akin ang number na 'yon? Alam niya nang wrong send talaga siya? Kilala niya 'ko? But I didn't know him?

Sa huli, natuldukan nang walang sagot ang iniisip ko noong nakabalik na ako sa classroom. Itinuon ko na lamang ang buo kong atensiyon sa discussion.

Sa dami ng gusto kong ipagpasalamat, isa na roon ang pinagkaiba ng department namin ni Zeo. Malayo ang building ng Engineering sa amin na Business Administration. That was why my days were sometimes free of his unsought presence.

Hapon lang ang uwi ko ngayong araw kaya naman bahay na agad ang nasa isip ko. Pero bumili muna ako ng isang slice ng strawberry cheesecake bago umuwi.

My parents were still out while my brother was still in school. I headed upstairs to my bedroom. Kinuha ko ang laptop ko at tiningnan kung uploaded na ang courseworks na nabanggit ng iilang instructors kanina.

I tried to accomplish some while enjoying my strawberry cheesecake. Naubos ko nga agad ang nag-iisang slice na binili ko. Nagsisi tuloy ako na nagkuripot na naman. Namana ko kasi iyon sa mga magulang namin.

But seriously, eating and doing a task at once just wouldn't work on me. Sa pagkain lang lagi napupunta ang buong atensiyon ko kaya nauubos ko na, wala pa man akong natatapos sa ginagawa.

Nag-iisip pa ako nang malalim kung o-order ba ako ng makakain nang may kumatok. I wasn't clueless about who it was since it was just the four of us residing here.

Mommy and Daddy were still managing our heritage family business, a local grocery store in the Manila's Chinatown, at this time. Tag-isa kasi sila ng hawak sa dalawang malaking branches. May iilan din sa ibang lugar kaso franchise na ang mga iyon at mas maliliit.

My brother was just a year ahead of me in school. Hindi rin kami magkatulad ng major lalo na ang schedule kaya hindi kami sabay umuwi. Oftentimes, he'd insist to wait for me or vice versa but I didn't want to be a burden.

Saka may boyfriend din naman kasi ako... na ex na. Kahit na bihira lang din naman talaga ako ihatid ni Zeo. Siguro noong bago kami, oo, kaso hindi na noong nagbago nga.

Halos hindi niya na nga ako kitain sa school. Susulpot lang bigla nang galit kapag may kasama akong lalaki na kaklase ko lang naman. And always just for a group work, so totally harmless.

I didn't like obligating them both to accompany me if I had errands, when I'd go home, or any similar scenarios. Pero hindi ibig sabihin na dahil kaya ko namang mag-isa, hindi na ako malulugod sa mga ganoon. 

I understood the initiative of course as my brother and boyfriend, though the latter rarely offered. Sa akin lang, nakakahiyang abalahin ang kapatid ko dahil sa thought na may boyfriend naman ako.

Pero ngayong wala na rin naman akong boyfriend, nakasanayan ko na lang kasi siguro.

"Bukas 'yan!"

Ibinulgar ng bumukas na pinto si Ahia Rivo na nakasuot pa ng uniform. Bitbit niya ang backpack sa tuktok na hawakan nito at ang isang kamay ay nasa door knob ko. Mukhang kauuwi lang at dito dumiretso.

I wondered... why did he look so problematic?

"May nakita kang raketa? Saka mga shuttle?" tanong niya nang makita ako.

"Huh?" Kumunot ang noo ko. "Siyempre? All my life, I've seen a lot."

"No, no," umiling siya, nanatiling seryoso, "I mean, listen. Nanghiram kasi ako noong nakaraan dahil sa P.E. namin."

Doon pa lang, nanigas na ako.

"Hindi ko na nakita tapos nawala na rin sa isip ko. Now, the owner texted me. Hindi mo ba nakita? Naaalala ko naman na inuwi ko rito."

I tried hard not to swallow in front of him. Hindi naman siguro 'yon ang...

"Kulay itim 'yung frame ng mga raketa tapos feather 'yung shuttle. Rivi, wala ka ba talagang nakita?"

Napalunok na ako nang tuluyan. Nanumbalik agad sa isipan ko ang karumal-dumal na nagawa nitong nakaraan.

Bumitiw siya sa door knob ko. "Nakakahiya. Nahihiya tuloy ako." Narinig ko siyang pumalatak. He rubbed his eyebrow, still looking stressed.

By what he mentioned, I already knew what did I just do. Sa nakikita kong stress ng kapatid ko, hindi ko magagawa'ng magsinungaling.

"Oo. May nakita ako..." I admitted in a small voice.

I saw him pause, then his entire face brightened. Mas lalo naman akong nalungkot. Sisirain ko ulit ang nabuo niyang pag-asa.

"Saka... may ginawa rin. Kaya ayun, hindi na natin 'yun makikita."

"Ano? Anong ginawa?" tanong niya, lito at halatang kabado.

"Eh..."

"Rivi," he called. "Ano'ng ginawa mo?"

"Anong brand nga ba no'n? Hahanapan ko sa online ng kapalit!" I immediately offered a solution, dodging his question.

"Rivi." His voice hardened this time.

"Ito na, o-order na ako!" Hinablot ko ang cellphone ko. "Ito na, may nakita na 'ko!" sabi ko kahit ka-a-unlock lang naman ng screen.

"Ano nga'ng ginawa mo?"

I paused and pressed my lips together. I just stared at my screen, though it was penetrating through it. I heaved a sigh. Napapikit ako nang mariin bago tumingin sa kapatid ko.

"Sorry, wala na. Sinira ko."

My meek confession stupefied him. Bumuka ang bibig niya at nagsara ulit na parang hindi alam ang sasabihin.

"What...?" I read through the movement of his lips, because he was soundless.

Suminghap ako at sumuko na. Binitiwan ko uli ang cellphone ko. I was thinking... maybe this was also the time to inform him that I had no boyfriend anymore.

He wasn't the strict type. Gusto niya lang ay alam niya ang buong pangalan at maayos ang ugali sa kapwa-tao—lalo siyempre sa akin. Pinakaimportante rin sa kaniya ay iyong kaya dalhin ang sarili sa bahay namin at humarap sa kanila na family ko.

Okay na siya roon. Mga tipikal lang naman. Hindi siya iyong nakatatandang kapatid na maraming ipinagbabawal... na minsan ang ibig talagang sabihin ay bawal ka pang mag-boyfriend.

Kaya kilala niya si Zeo dahil kusa ko namang ipinakilala. But they weren't close. I wasn't sure if he'd seen through Zeo before that he knew he was capable of a terrible change which actually happened, or they just didn't click.

Kahit ganoon, hindi naman ako pinigilan ni Ahia o sinabihan na hiwalayan si Zeo. Na sana... ginawa niya na lang talaga.

"Break na kami ni Zeo."

His face softened from a stern look, then worry surfaced after a moment. "Sino'ng nakipag-break?"

"Ako."

Pumangit ang timpla ng mukha niya tila hindi nagustuhan ang narinig. I wondered why? Ayaw niya bang hiwalayan ko?

"Definitely, that means, siya ang may ginawang mali."

It got me taken aback. Hindi ko inasahan na iyon pala ang ibig niyang sabihin. He must know me that much. He knew that I didn't treat relationships as something that I would just easily throw away when I got bored.

Pangalawa ko lang naman na boyfriend si Lizeo.

Iyong una ay classmate ko noong Grade 11. It was during the first term of school. Our feelings toward each other might not reach even the minimum but I treasured whatever we had that time. Kahit na halos dalawang buwan lang naman kami.

Si Zeo na ang kasunod na nanligaw. That was still in Grade 11. I made us official during the second term, on February 14th. I could vividly recall how he flirted with me and it was his A-game, compared to my ex-boyfriend that time.

Kaya siguro mahina ako at nadali rin sa sinabi niyang nadali raw siya ng chinky eyes ko.

"Babalikan mo?" Ahia asked.

Umiling agad ako. Desidido na akong hindi babalik.

"Good." He jerked his chin. Hindi naman halatang sobrang satisfied sa sagot ko, 'no? "Kasi talagang manghihimasok na ako kapag nalaman kong binalikan mo 'yon."

"Bakit? May alam ka bang hindi ko alam?"

"No. Pero may naramdaman akong 'di mo naramdaman no'ng ipinakilala mo siya sa 'kin."

Nagtaas ako ng isang kilay.

"Seriously, Rivi, that boy reeks of fuckery. Pero nakita kong mahal mo, kaya binigyan ko ng chance. But look where it got you. Look where it got us."

Kung makatawag ng boy, isang taon lang naman ang tanda sa 'min!

Ngumuso ako. "Ahia naman... H'wag ka na nga manermon. B-in-reak ko na nga, eh."

Itinabingi niya ang ulo. Alam kong nagpaubaya na siya at sumuko. Siguro kung hindi kami break ni Zeo, sesermonan ako nito. Kaya buti na lang break na kami.

It was so relieving to say that we were over now. I broke up with him around the start of college when I finally hit my head and acknowledged my worth. Isang taon mahigit din akong nagdusa at nagtimpi.

I was still currently surviving the first semester as a freshie, and hopefully, I could also survive Zeo's post-breakup overbearing attitude. Hindi ko gets kung bakit ginugulo niya ako ngayong kumalas na ako. 'Kala ko nga, siya 'tong naunang umayaw na?

I remembered those days I squandered by self-pitying. I concluded that he already wanted to dump me with how he treated me, but he just couldn't for some reason. Sa isip ko nga, naawa na lang siya kaya hindi ako madiretso.

But as I came to think of it, hindi rin naman siya maawain. Malabo. He was a self-centered jerk.

I stepped a foot forward and made the move. Hanggang sa inilayo ko na ang sarili ko sa kaniya. It was the best decision I made this year so far that the satisfaction was over the top. Mas maaga ko nga sanang ginawa. Iyon lang ang naging regrets ko.

Dapat talaga alam natin kung kailan tama na. Kung kailan hindi na talaga maganda. Kung kailan hindi na healthy. Dapat hindi lang laging pagmamahal ang umiiral.

Pondering on all of these was healing and I didn't want to gatekeep the feeling. So... tonight, I'd pray for all those in the exact same situation as me to be able to free themselves too.

And that all of us could receive the love we truly deserved while we would also love the other person the way they deserved at the same time.

Idealistic. But... imagine.