sorry for republishing but I just realized that Wattpad deleted like a whole paragraph of this chapter and it might be important in the future who knows;;; so now it's actually here like it should have been in the first place lol

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"Jin, Hoseok, I'm so sorry," Officer Lee said in greeting, giving them each a handshake and then pulling them in for a one-arm hug.

Jin tried to smile at the familiar face, but he could only manage to lift one side of his mouth up for a moment. "Were you the officer at the scene?"

"Not initially," Lee said. There was room to sit on the bench beside them, but he opted to remain standing instead. He looked very official in his formal uniform, and the dark colors stood out against the bleached white of the hospital. "A colleague of mine was one of the first responders, and they reached out to me when they recognized the name after running the ID. I joined them at the location of the accident to confirm before coming here to offer my condolences and whatever information I can give you at this point."

"We appreciate it," Jin said, bowing his head down slightly. He didn't like the word "condolences." It was too soon. But he did appreciate the sentiment. He knew how busy Lee must have been, yet he'd dropped everything else for this. "Could you...could you tell us what happened?" he asked, looking back up and swallowing hard. "The doctors have barely told us anything, just bits and pieces and I..."

"Of course you'd want to know," Lee quietly finished for him. "That's absolutely natural, and it's why I'm here. It's horrible news, but I'd rather you hear it from me than a stranger."

Jin nodded his head in silent thanks, and Lee took a breath.

"The other officers still need to confirm exactly how it happened, but according to how things were positioned when they arrived, it looked like the car had a strong collision with the guard rail. There were no other cars at the scene, but it's possible that someone may have veered out of their lane toward the car, and Taehyung swerved into the rail in response."

Lee paused, running a hand through his hair. "Shortly after the initial crash, a fire broke out – they're still running diagnostics, but they think there was probably a fuel system leak or an electrical system failure. We can confirm that Jimin was in the front passenger seat at the time of the accident, as that's where he was recovered, but..." Lee paused, frowning slightly. "When officers arrived at the scene, Jungkook was lying outside of the car with evidence of minor burns. We believe that he managed to get out of the vehicle to avoid being caught in the fire; it's likely that he was sitting in the backseat on the driver's side of the car since the passenger side door was trapped against the rail. Taehyung was found in the driver's seat without a seatbelt on."

"That can't be right," Hoseok interjected. "Taehyung always wears his seatbelt."

Lee just gave them a troubled nod. "It's likely that he attempted to get out of the car but didn't make it. He seemed to sustain heavy injuries, and with the fire..." Lee took another breath, meeting first Jin's eyes and then Hoseok's before looking down for a moment. "Jimin was...dead on arrival, from the crash itself. We believe that Taehyung was alive post-crash but lost consciousness from a crash-related injury. He likely had severe internal bleeding, and with Jungkook also unconscious, there was no one to phone the accident in. No cars passed through that area for several minutes, and..." He exhaled sharply. "The call finally came in, but officers didn't arrive in time to save his life. They were able to get him into an ambulance, but he died en route to the hospital."

Jin couldn't stop the twin rivulets of tears from coursing down his face at the thought of two of his brothers dying in the wreck. "Thank you," he said, his voice rough, and he cleared his throat. "Thank you for telling us directly," Jin said, looking up at Lee and biting down hard on his bottom lip. He was grateful to have dispelled some of the uncertainty of the situation, but now his mind was populated with horrific images of the crash. Hoseok rubbed his back, but Jin could barely feel it. He was just thinking about the fire. About Taehyung, unconscious but alive, in the fire.

"Of course," Lee said, his eyes flicking toward the door to Jungkook's hospital room. "Yoongi and Jungkook...?"

"Are inside," Jin confirmed, wiping at his eyes but trying his hardest to hold it together. "I just...Jungkook just got out of surgery. I haven't told him yet about...about the others. And Yoongi isn't handling it well. I'll tell them what you told me, I promise. Just not...yet."

Lee nodded, accepting Jin's decision, and he looked over at Hoseok with a deeply apologetic glance. "I'm sorry that I don't have any good news for either of you right now. I'm afraid in situations like these, good news is rather difficult to come by."

"Jungkook's alive," Hoseok said, looking over at Jin as though to help pull him back together. "And that's a blessing."

"Yes," Jin murmured, nodding his head forward in several small motions, but his eyes were still anchored on the tiles beneath his feet as the crash played out over and over again in his mind.

Lee grimaced but nodded, agreeing with Hoseok that it was a blessing that Jungkook had somehow survived. "If you family needs anything, please don't hesitate to call. I mean it. Yoongi has my private number."

Lee, who had never before owned his own personal phone, had received a prepaid cell in the mail one day with only one contact already registered: Getaway Driver. They didn't message much on it, but during one of Yoongi's slightly less-than-legal escapades, he'd very dramatically requested his phone call – and proceeded to call the person wearing a badge two feet away. Every now and then, Yoongi would send Lee a short message – I'm thinking about doing something stupid – to which Lee would always send a one-word reply – Don't.

Lee had been worried about Yoongi especially, and Jin's comment about him not taking it well had only confirmed his suspicions. He would have to call him soon and just hope that he picked up. Lee had a feeling that Yoongi was someone who got reckless and angry when he was grieving, and he didn't want Yoongi to make a big mistake.

"Is your dad also inside?" Lee asked, gesturing to the room, and Jin shook his head.

"He's at home. He hasn't been doing too well lately, and I...I didn't know what to tell him just yet. Lisa's with him, though."

Lee nodded in understanding. "Would you like me to drop by the house? It's no trouble."

"No," Jin said, feeling his stomach tighten at the thought of having to tell their father. He still wasn't sure how he was going to do it. It had been at the back of his mind, constantly nibbling at him, but he had too much else on his immediate plate right now. It was cowardly of him, but he was secretly hoping that Lisa would take on that burden. Although to ask that of her...He was selfish enough to hope that she'd do it without him asking, and then he wouldn't have to worry about it at all. Of course, there'd be the aftermath – he wasn't sure how Namjoon was going to take it, if he was able to take it at all. But Jin's mind was focused solely on the immediate moment; everything else just seemed to grow hazy in his mind. "I'll talk to him soon. But thanks for the offer."

Lee nodded. "If you need anything..."

"Thank you," Jin said again, standing up and clasping Lee's hand firmly. "I owe you one."

"You don't," Lee rejected, squeezing Jin's hand back before letting go. His mouth pulled down in a tight frown as though disappointed in himself for not being able to do more. "You really don't."

"I do," Jin replied, his eyes rimmed with tears but firm. "You came all the way down here and-"

"Help Jungkook get back on his feet," Lee replied. "Then we'll be even."

Jin was quiet for a long moment before he nodded, realizing that Lee would accept nothing else, and true enough, Lee gave a final nod back before touching two fingers to his brow in a small salute and heading back down the hallway to some other emergency.

--

Jungkook was starting to feel more alert later that day as the morphine started to wear off, and he looked between Jin, Yoongi, and Hoseok, who were all still sitting next to his bed as they had been doing all day. "Hey," Jungkook said, clearing his throat to get their full attention, and then there were three pairs of eyes on him. "Where are Tae and Jimin?"

They all reacted in different ways; Jin opened his mouth but froze, Yoongi shrunk into himself, eyes dropping down to the tiled floor, and Hoseok looked away.

"Tae and Jimin?" Jin asked carefully, trying to figure out whether Jungkook was aware of the crash or if he was just inquiring in general.

"Yeah, where are they?" Jungkook asked, looking over to the door. "You're all here. It feels weird without them being here."

"Jungkook, I didn't want to ask you earlier because I didn't want to upset you, but...do you remember what happened? Why you're in the hospital?" Jin asked, treading on the situation carefully. Of all his brothers, Jungkook and Yoongi tended to react the most aggressively to upsetting circumstances; Tae and Hobi tended to retreat into themselves, Jimin was a crier; always had been, Yoongi was a puncher, and Jungkook was a crier and a puncher. Jin was worried that, in Jungkook's current state, he'd reinjure himself if he got angry.

"I..." Jungkook wasn't sure why he felt like closing his eyes would help, but he did, squeezing them shut and searching through his brain. "I think...I was in a car," he recalled, although he didn't have total confidence in his answer, just a vague feeling that it was right. "And then...there was a crash, wasn't there?" He squeezed his eyes shut even harder as some other memory fought to make its way to the surface, but it never fully formed.

Jungkook heard Jin hum in confirmation, and he flicked his eyes open, leaving the unformed memory behind. When thinking about the car, he'd seen something he hadn't wanted to see, and opening his eyes had stopped the scene from playing. "But Tae and Jimin were in the car too, weren't they?"

Jungkook watched as Jin looked over first at Yoongi, who still wouldn't meet his eyes, before making eye contact with Hoseok, who just gave a slight shake of his head. Jin looked back at Jungkook, clearly hesitant to answer the question.

"Did they get hurt too?" Jungkook asked, taking the non-answer as an answer in and of itself.

"Jungkook-"

"Can they put us in the same hospital room?" Jungkook pressed. "Because I'd really like to see them. I've had this sort of odd feeling since and I woke up and I think it would go away if I could just see them for a little bit."

"We can't," Jin said, rolling his bottom lip inward and biting down on it.

"Why not?" Jungkook asked. "Their beds can't be that big. Jimin is so tiny, and Tae is the same height as me. You guys can just wheel them in here for ten minutes – no one will even notice, okay, and-"

"We can't because they're not here," Jin said softly, and Jungkook's eyes snapped to his, recognizing that tone as the one Jin used to break bad news, like when the goldfish that Jungkook had once owned for a total of 24 hours had been sitting belly-up in its bowl.

"Jin?"

Jin hesitated before scooting his chair over so he was almost touching Jungkook's bed. He reached out with both hands, taking each of Jungkook's hands in his own. "They're not here," Jin repeated, still using the same tone as before, and Jungkook felt a chill run up his arms, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. "They...they didn't make it, Jungkook."

Jungkook kept silent for a moment, that strange emptiness seeming to expand, growing sharp at the edges as it came into context. "You're lying," he said, his tone flat.

"I wish I were, Jungkook."

"No, that's not- where are they? Jin, stop playing around," Jungkook said again, eyes dark and lips flattened in a tense line. "I just want to see them. It's not that big of a deal."

"Jungkook-"

"Or fine, if you can't wheel them in here, then just- I don't know, go to their room and video chat me. Or just call, I don't care. I don't even need to see them face to face, I just want to hear their voices and then I'll be fine."

"Jungkook, I'm sorry but-"

"I just want to hear them," Jungkook insisted, looking down at his hospital shift. "That's not that hard, is it? Come on, Jin, I'm not trying to be annoying right now, can't you just-"

"They're dead, Jungkook," Jin interrupted, letting out a soft exhale afterward as though even he had been surprised by his words.

Conversely, the walls of the room seemed to inhale, drawing out all the oxygen and leaving them in a vacuum of silence and disbelief.

"No," Jungkook said simply, staring at Jin with a frown.

"Yes." The words clearly hurt Jin to say, but Jungkook's refusal of reality appeared to hurt him more.

"No, they're not. Because that would be...no, they're fine. Or maybe not totally fine, I mean, I'm not really fine either," Jungkook said, a small attempt at humor as he gestured with his eyes down to his injured body. "But they're not dead."

"I just spoke with the doctor," Jin said quietly. "And with Officer Lee. They died in the crash, Jungkook," he said, followed by a belated, "I'm sorry." His voice came out strange as though he knew it that it wasn't really his apology to give.

"They can't be dead," Jungkook argued. The words felt weightless to him, untethered by any rationality. "They're just-" Hiding, he almost felt like saying. "They're here somewhere, you just don't want me to see them because I just got out of surgery and I get that you're being your usual overprotective self but you don't understand, I need to see them and-"

"You don't understand," Jin said just as Hoseok reached across Yoongi to put a hand on Jin's knee.

"Just drop it," Hoseok said quietly, giving Jin a pointed look, and that was what got Jungkook.

Not Jin's apologies, not his excuses and his explanations and his eyes that seemed to flinch away from Jungkook's. Not anything Jin had said or done, but instead Hoseok, who had smiled at him earlier and listened to him prattle on about juice cups without teasing him for how stupid in his hospital gown. Hoseok, who hadn't mentioned either of the missing triplets. Hoseok, whose silence spoke more to Jungkook than Jin's words.

"You're a fucking liar, Jin," Jungkook said, voice a little louder than before, but with no more belief in his own words. He ripped one hand out of Jin's and put it against his chest, feeling the emptiness just under the surface reaching towards his fingertips. They were really gone. He could feel it. He shaped his fingers into claws, digging into the skin there, but the emptiness wouldn't go away or shrink. It was strange to think that that piece of him had existed for twenty-five years without him ever really noticing it, and now that it was empty, it felt horribly obvious.

"Okay," Jin said back, his voice soft, and it was clear to Jungkook that Jin was going to put aside the issue until Jungkook showed that he could handle it.

"Because that wouldn't be fair," Jungkook continued on as though Jin hadn't spoken, pulling his other hand away from Jin and crossing his arms in front of his chest, clasping his shoulders and leaning back and forth. "Tae's worked harder than anyone. And Jimin, Jimin's already had enough shit in his life. They both have. We all have. They can't be...they can't be dead, that wouldn't be fucking fair and you know it."

"It isn't fair," Jin agreed softly. "Nobody's saying that it is."

"Yeah well someone should so I can disagree with them," Jungkook accused, feeling the burn of tears at the edges of his eyes. He was the type to cry when he got angry, and today was no exception. "I was in that car too, and here I am, but they-"

"Hey," Jin said, his voice a little sharper. "No one thinks that you're responsible for this. No one thinks that it should have been you instead of one of them, Jungkook. We're incredibly blessed that you survived, and nothing could change that."

"This isn't a blessing," Jungkook choked out, feeling the hot angry tears finally spill down his face as he leaned forward, curling in on himself. Bowing his head down so the tears rolled off his chin and were absorbed into the sheet. "Why wasn't it me? Why couldn't it have been me?" He gripped the metal arm rail with a clawed hand, squeezing as hard as he could. He wanted – needed – to break something. Because otherwise he would break. "Why wasn't it me?"

"Jungkook, I understand how you feel but-"

"You understand nothing!" Jungkook yelled, squeezing his eyes shut because he didn't want to see Jin's hurt expression right now. He was angry, and he wanted to stay angry. When he was angry, he didn't have enough room for sadness. "They're a part of me, even now, and I feel so empty without them. You don't have our connection. You'll never understand."

"Maybe not," Jin said stiffly. "Maybe they weren't my triplets, but they were still my brothers too, Jungkook."

Jungkook heard the sound of a door closing several seconds later, and he knew that if he opened his eyes, he'd see an empty chair directly next to his bed. The blackest of guilts began to settle in his stomach, but no- he had to stay angry, had to stay mad, had to hang onto the hot fury because it was the only warmth he'd be able to feel.

"He'll be okay," Hoseok said softly as though sensing Jungkook's guilt, but Jungkook refused to open his eyes and look over. "He's just trying to be strong for you, but this is really hard for Jin too, Jungkook. For all of us. But we get that it's worse for you because of how close you all were." There was a pause before Hoseok asked softly, "Yoongi? Are you okay?"

"No," Yoongi said equally quietly, and Jungkook heard more tears joining his own, which was strange because Yoongi wasn't a crier.

--

published 11/02/20 (mm/dd/yy)

a/n: Sorry, didn't really proofread so I'll try to correct any mistakes later! Just wanted to get an update out since it's been a little while haha